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thirdchance-blog1 · 8 years ago

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WHAT DOES LOVE LOOK LIKE?

Two months to the run up of my Lola's passing, I thought I was watching my mother die. After about twenty years of chronic illness with bronchiectasis, COPD, Coronary Artery Disease, TEF, and pseudomonas, I thought she wouldn't survive the double whammy of pneumonia coupled with dengue. The blood transfusion to address dengue caused congestion that eventually ended us up at the ICU hooked up to a mechanical ventilator.

It was in this context that my Lola insisted that she have her way, get herself admitted, and do hospital duty. I wasn't exactly pleased with the setup even if she had her nurse with her, because I simply did not have the mind space to attend to her and her nurse's needs because she was 98, bedridden, and needed an entourage to shuttle her to and from her room to the ICU. Since my mother is a single parent and I an only child, I went to work putting her affairs to order. Among these was putting my Lola's finances to order as well because this task fell under my Mama's purview. I must admit I was sorely tempted not to run all the errands associated with this, because it took up so much time and energy for about two weeks, the same time my Mama was at the ICU. Just when I was so exhausted and totally resenting all the extra work, Coach Cindy and Mabelita paid me a surprise visit at the ICU - driving all the way to Baguio from Manila. While Coach Cindy allowed me to vent, she raised her brows and asked, "So what's the VALUE?" I groaned and gave her the eye and nudged my buddy for help. And since Leap is forever, it was again about LOVE. And then Coach asked me one the best and hardest questions I ever heard her ask, "What does love look like?" I remember giving a half-assed answer then just to get her off my back - but it was a question that burned in my head and heart like a brand. Her question, it turns out, was what saved me through the ordeal of watching my mother dying. And the indescribably overwhelming news about my Lola's sudden death just two weeks after my mother made it back home. This is how I tried to answer Coach Cindy's question when I was trying to wrap my head around my Lola's passing.

Love looks like Mama Pat listing down the medicines and cans of Glucerna Lola needed each month. It was losing sleep every time Lola was unwell, way back when she had sepsis more than a decade ago, countless episodes of wounds in her feet, until her toes started falling off, and also feeling terribly guilty and sorry when she snaps at Lola when she refuses to eat or begs to see her first thing morning even when she doesn't feel like getting up yet. Love looks like Uncle Ben bringing grilled tuna panga, Montano Spanish sardines, and giant coconut crabs so that Lola, Lolo, and everyone at Magsaysay get to taste the best food from his distant assignments. It was about cooking chicken in Sprite, and grilling the most tender and juicy pusit and then handing it to you with a big smile with the certainty that you will say, nag imasen! Nag lukneng! It was about snacking on a jar of nuts watching TV all night beside Lola's bed during one of those days Manang Àsøn went home to Tubao. Love looks like Auntie Thelma collecting the rent at Magsaysay, doing the marketing, cooking pancit and sprout and sitting beside Lola so that she would eat. It was about leaving money for oxygen for Lola and Mama before heading out to work. It was about renovating the family home. It was about always having a chat with Shirley of the SLU hospital admin so that we could get the green slip easily when Lola or Mama was due for discharge in the many years we have been going in and out of the hospital. It was about holding my Mama's hand helping her walk about the house when her gait was unsteady. Love looks like Uncle Bal relentlessly cleaning the bodega or the yard, putting some semblance of order to piles of things that the family accumulated. It was about running errands to put things in order for the family home or going the distance to the market and Petersville to deliver fruits and vegetables. It was about buying medicines, tissue paper, other supplies when Lola, Lolo, Mama, or Auntie Ambit got hospitalized. Love looks like Auntie Bren who has lugged about and sent tons of gifts - all practical, well thought of, and customized to make things a whole lot better, gifts we did not know we needed. It looks like medical supplies, food, and supplements, for Lola, Mama, Uncle Ben, Uncle Bal, Auntie Thel. It looks like wonderful rollups and Starburst that Lola used to make us all cousins smile when she'd say, adda ti Magic Ko! It smells like crunchy red apples all the way from the States us cousins woke up to on Christmas mornings. It looks like coming home every time someone is seriously ill because she's the best equipped among siblings to provide the comfort and care Lola would have done for all her children if she was still able. Even if Lola didn't get to become a nurse which was her dream, Auntie Bren became the one who eases all our health nightmares. Love looks like Uncle Bong opening his heart and home to Lolo, Lola, Auntie Thel, Auntie Ambit, Mama, and I when Lola's health started to decline. It was about helping Manang Àsøn lift Lola and teaching Giane and Cherry proper way to lift. It was about moving things about, putting up bright yellow curtains by Lola's bedside that made Lola smile and say - Mababain ak met Bong. Kasla ak met prinsesa. It was about creating a ramp from the first floor going down to where my Mama is so that Lola can continue to do what she does best, watching over her children and negotiating with God saying - biag biag biag. Love looks like Auntie Ambit exquisitely preparing food, with vegetables uniformly sliced and crunchy to the taste. It's about going to the talipapa on market day to select healthy produce before going to school. It's about activating her legions of friends to look for blood donors for Auntie Thel and my Mama. It's about buying Lola's supplies so that Lola is clean and comfortable. It's about stewardship of resources to make sure there will be enough to go around. It's about braving the traffic to come home everyday because she didn't dare to risk making Lola feel abandoned. Lola's children love the way they do because that's how they were loved. Love looked like Lola doing marketing everyday so there was always plenty to eat. It was about making sure Lolo's shirts and suit were starched and ironed so that he was the most isputing nA lakay at City Hall. It was about getting up before anyone else and making breakfast and sleeping past midnight after washing and ironing clothes. It was about teaching her children quality - if she didn't like the parya or marunggay her children bought, she'd make them return it, teaching them humility, courage, and negotiation. It was about cooking the classic igado and dinuguan for celebrations and packing more than enough in used ice cream tubs for take out for Uncle Bal and Ben so that my cousins in Manila would feel her love. It was about staying vigil, sleeping on the floor when Auntie Ambit had her back operated on, sleeping on a lumpy sofa in one of the countless episodes my Mama was unwell, refusing to allow the aides to wrap up my Auntie Thelma's body when she passed away saying we just needed to wait for her to wake up. Lola's love was about her immeasurable sorrow and grief every time someone in the family would pass away and fail to come home. It was about making a roll call at the end of the day. It's about clock watching, and when it was past 6 and Auntie Ambit wasn't home yet, she asked us to call or text. Auntie Ambit is 61. Love was Lola saying Thank You Àsøn with a radiant smile after her morning care which made Manang Àsøn laugh. Then saying afterwards, bedpan man ngarrud Àsøn. Which made Manang Àsøn laugh even harder. So if you ask me what did love look like, being loved by and loving Lola, love was all about service, hanging on, and being there when the going got really tough. Love was in all the details of the little things. So it was that the morning that Lola died, i got a call from my Auntie Jean asking me to bring Lola's pustiso and then two other calls asking me if I was already near. Ta Masapul da tapnu maka make up. Love indeed is in the details. Thank you Lola for teaching us what love looks like and raising your children who show their love in all the little things that all add up to to having hearts as big as your own. At first it seemed like you failed to come home this time. Then I realized you will be smiling down from from heaven with your pustiso. Now you have really made it home. Pray for us so that we can make it without you. It's been a difficult 2016 for the Leal family. Yours is the third death this year, the year of the Great Leal Harvest. Please lend us your faith, hope, and strength to keep going until our borrowed time runs out. Thank you Lola. We love you very much. We will do our best to always choose love like you did. The lesson for me is to go full throttle on love, so that in the end there are no regrets that we did not love as much as you did. Thank you for showing us how big and wonderful and compassionate love could be in the little things of the mundane everyday. Now I know what love looks like.

Written by: Ina Bacud

#ThirdChance #chooselove #love

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