thirtydaysinamonth

[thirtydaysinamonth]

miss my mom

[thirtydaysinamonth]

miss my mom

[thirtydaysinamonth]

the anxiety is crazy. i just wanna go away. 16th november. cant wait to get plastered and then go home and watch movies with my mom and do clothes shopping with my mom and sleep in my own bed and have my piece of mind in solo exploring the city. im really excited to leave.

its weird because i know a week away from college ill be missing college. but i wont miss the academics. ill miss the people but i wont miss anything else. i went home this vacation and it was odd. its my old home and not my new one. i mdae the mistake of meeting my ex. the meeting was alright. just getting a glimpse of his life was not. im attached to him ways that i cannot understand. i dont love him but im attached to what he used to represent to me.

meeting him, my old friends gave me more anxiety than i expected. plus endsems and meeting friends back in college is giving me more anxiety. overall just been and is going to be an anxious ass month. its ok bby i love you. i love you okay?

[thirtydaysinamonth]

i think ****** is a beautiful person. i think shes just gorgeous. i think the most hideous things about her also are beautiful. im lucky to know these people.

[thirtydaysinamonth]

im so stressed rn its crazy

[thirtydaysinamonth]

i guess everyone is just trying to claim something as their own. repainting their walls. putting on posters. anything to feel warmer. anything to stop the wind from biting their bones. nothing is personal and nothing is strange. i try to find familiarity. but everyone is so busy trying to not be busy. everyone trying so hard to keep from losing it. anxiety creeping through making me want to go non-verbal for days. bro like bro like bro like bro. on autopilot for the most part. absolutely nothing feels normal.

[thirtydaysinamonth]

college is tiring. im tired of seeing the same people and having the same convresations. i find it hard to keep up with my social life and also balance studying. how to not get sick of people.

how do people have so much convresation in them? why are all the conversations so fucking annoying? i know im just being bitter. its not even that im not extroverted. i jsut think my ambivertedness is kicking in. i also feel empty. im thinking, should i be the person to indulge in casual intimacy. the last and first time that happened, i still feel shitty. its been a week. how do you frget that person entirely. i mean he said he wouldnnt ignore me in college but what do you knw lol. he literally did. thats what feels shitty. like im not saying we should do it again, i know we wont and i do not want to either. but atleast acknowledge my existence goddamn. fucked scenes i believe.

on top of that this week is looking terribly hectic. i have a research submission + 3 tests + 1 court room exercise + 1 intra ADR competition. this week im gonna try to eat less trash, and talk less trash and be around lesser people. god. fucking fuck bro. this is super exhausting and i need to start prioritising.

i feel like everyhting makes me feel, nothing. i feel nothing but weird despair for the work left and drained out from being aorund people that feel so fake and far away. i miss ******. i miss ******. i just want to find one person i can be good with. and i want to talk to more people. i know thats very contradictory from what i said before, but whta i meant before was that im sick of talking to the same old people and the same old jokes and conversations.

i guess im lonely too. i miss my brother. i really miss him. i feel like i just cant seem to get time to myself. im someone who just thinks and thoughts and thinks. but ijust feel so anxious and restless nowadays.

i have to start saying no.

[thirtydaysinamonth]

being alive is so crazy this is so crazy

[thirtydaysinamonth]

being away from home made me feel a certain change creep up on me and now I'm grateful for eveything my parents gave me, but a hard pill to swallow will be that they will never change even if I do.

just got my first set of marks and im relly overwhelmed for reasons unknown. listening to people by agust d always helps. I love u baby. I got a research paper due next week but I'm also going home the day after my submission.

I think the anxiety after receiving marks is unmatched. I was born two seconds ago. there's a lot to learn baby. okay. I'm sleepy but way too energized to sleep. idk why I'm freaking out so much these marks don't even matter as much in the scheme of things.

[thirtydaysinamonth]

I miss home. I miss my best friends. this place is nice. People are people. it's fun to observe. it's fun to look at people being themselves. eveyrone here plays atleast two sports. evenings are the best time to be in the campus. eveything is lively as though they have certain bumping and thumping in their soul that makes them restless in the confines of their homes. though some do remain in the confines of their homes. it's a peculiar thing to be here. but it's an experience. I miss my dog. i miss my best friends dog. i miss my ex. i miss the people I used to know and the places I used to go. but most of all, I miss food. I miss home cooked mutton and spaghetti. I miss ramen and pepperoni pizza. I miss my parents, sometimes. I miss my brother all the time. it's hard but it's not. I'm happy but i wish they wrre here for me to share my happiness. I miss my nana nani. i love you all. I love eveyrone and eveything about eveything and eveyrone. college teaches u to be grateful. it really does.

[thirtydaysinamonth]

they fight so much.

[thirtydaysinamonth]

anxiety is thru the roof plus pmsing so fucking hard. headache, backache, tummy ache, eyes burn, cravngs but also 0 appetite, but also bloated and feeling yucky omg

[thirtydaysinamonth]

i went to the metro all by myself for the second time. i love being by myself and travelling. i went to a market via metro. for that i needed to switch lines.

but

what i wanted to talk about was the guy i met at the metro. i was riding back home, maybe seven stations to go. by that point id been standing, and losing the empty seat olympics thus far, jostling a bit and trying to steady my feet as a result of the loss.

from the corner of my eye i see a space open up,between two men. i play this game with myself where i challenge myself to sit between two men in the metro. my act of microfeminism to a level id like to call it. i get to manspread, keep a bitch face, and stare back at all the men that stare at me. its the least aggresive thing one can do after being catcalled, gestured the most vulgar things a person can receive while walking on the streets, in my humble opinion.

as i sit down, my knees finally getting rest after having walked around six kilometres, i took out the bottle of water id bought from the streets. i drink the last few sips, and involuntarily make the sounds of my lip smacking followed by an 'aahh'. i smile to myself.

i wouldnt say i was snooping, but the man next to me quite literally had his phone face up, with full brightness, playing a song from an artist i like. he's wearing a shirt and jeans, with the signature bagpack that screams 'i work at another company that has saturated in the IT industry'. he wears frameless glasses, looks to be in his thirties.

i glance over a few times, just to check but also mostly to indicate to the man that i recognise this song. i cant stop smiling. its not often i find a similar taste in music, and even less often on a crowded metro of a city i barely know. id like to believe im a generally sociable person. in the sense that once a day somebdy asks me the direction to a place, instructions to some action. im also never afraid to help them, infact i love it.

i pull out my phone, excited to text my best friend of this news. she urges me to ask the guy and so i do. it goes something liek this

"hey is this xyz artist?"

he painstakingly removes his earphones. i know people get pissed when theyre listening to music and are disturbed. but i didnt care i nthat moment, i felt the need to know and know and know.

"uh, yeah" he gives me a small smile.

"do u usually listen to this genre?"

"yup"

and i know i shouldve backed off there. i nod with a smile and go back to updating my best friend. i tell her how i love people, these mundane things that form daily routines of every person, that makes them so... them. it warms my heart. its the same feeling i feel when i see children, or old people, or friends.

so i open my Spotify and suggest a song to him. he plays it on his phone, bobbing hsibheas up and down. I'm smiling more because I thjnk of how he'd have to pretend to like it even if he doesn't as much. he tells me he likes it and asks for another suggestion. so I put him on another artist.

"what are u doinf currently?"

"I jut graduated school. planning to join college in a month or two. what about u?"

"haha. in just another IT job." he tells me, with this tone of surrender and 'it is what it is". with some sort of uncertain and embarrasing finality in his tone. i see, I tell him.

we go back to listening to our own music. i don't tell him where in from, or where I stay. I know better not to indulge in those details. I don't even know his name and neither does he, mine.

I know I took him by surprise in the beginning. but I think I love tht about people. maybe it's weird or sadistic or creepy. but I love talking to people. I love getting to know someone. mostly. and he seemed harmless enough.

"well, if was nice to meet u!" he tells me before getting off his stop, ten minutes later.

"bye bye, you too!"

sometimes these interactions make my day. I know I initiated contact with this person but every week I get approached by someone or te other. i love seeing people happy. i love seeing people laugh. i think it brings this sort of positivity in my life, that even if I dotn know anything aboutt them, I helped them in this one instant in their lives. maybe theres some sort of selfishness attached to it. but that's okay to me.

[thirtydaysinamonth]

how to trust men. how to trust anyone. how to know someone wont stab u in the back and watch you bleed to death. fuck my life.

[thirtydaysinamonth]

its astounding how there are supranational structures supporting this war. its astounding how there are real human people in power that are taking these steps towards supporting mass destruction, mass murder and damage irreversible to ecology. but whats even worse is that these structures, these enablers, are unwilling to take a different course of history. whats even worse is the unerasable, indelible scarring on innocent lives. whats even worse is how uncontrollably evil a collective people have to be to place the burden of guilt, of bloodshed, of suffering, hunger, starvation, disease, of death, onto children and onto generations to come.

[thirtydaysinamonth]

just thinking about how i love my family and my grandparents. i love them for being so openminded despite being 80 years old. i love them for always taking care of me. i love them so much for their quirks and everything that they scold us for. i love them for their cute house and their cute dog and everything that comes with it. i love being with them and i love spending time with them. i love them for never giving me grief over my failures but for never letting me grow too big for my own boots.

[thirtydaysinamonth]

i didnt know hearing that bullshit from my mother could knock the wind out of me. she said 'you know what ur problem is. you dont put effort. u take the easy path. ur brother works his ass off. ur brother is dedicated.'

like

I have worked my ass off these two years. and the nerve to say i haven't out effort and i like the easy way out... is soooooo tone deaf. and coming from my own mother??? ouch lol