this-is-just-here-for-venting

[this-is-just-here-for-venting]

she lives literally downstairs- 20 steps- and she still hardly wants to see me why does she hate me so much

[this-is-just-here-for-venting]

fuck's sake why am i just

such a failure

my sister almost went to harvard but she CHOSE not to for whatever reason she was smart enough where she could have been a nurse and she was in ap classes her whole highschool career she has friends and i only got an apartment because of her help and she even made me feel bad because of it since im just so ridiculous and stupid

im stupid and ugly and incompetent and so pathetic and unambitious she has no respect for me and hates talking to me she only helps out of obligation but even she thinks im stupid but tbh not far from the truth i never had a plan to make it past 18 i never thought about a forever job like her no wonder i got mediocre grades and didnt get offered to go to fucking harvard i dont even want to be here rn

i want to be an artist for a living i just cant rn and that hurts but doesnt help that she thinks im stupid and childish so i never talk to her about it the one time i did she was so uninterested and she thinks im lazy so never thinks it'll happen so like great

i always wanted to think she was different my own sibling but she's not and that hurts i never should have been here i should have never ruined her life i dont want to be like this there's something wrong w/ me but idk what other than im stupid when i value that sm i just dont want to do this anymore when i really dont have even my own family

dont trust my grandparents my mother barely tolerates me and she hates me i dont even have my sister

i really dont belong here

i really should just die thank God i have an out and my body will be found fast w/ her living downstairs

[this-is-just-here-for-venting]

stil on track to kill myself! Woo!

[this-is-just-here-for-venting]

depending how the election goes that plan to kill myself in like mid decemeber still stands

like i would wait until my final shifts at my second job are over and think im gonna start subtly stocking nyquil to OD on in the mean time but i really deserve to die about now

like didnt vote this year i cant even bring myself to respond to my best friends i think i have an alcohol problem i cant bring myself to do the one thing i love more than anything else in the world why should i be alive i could die tomorrow and no one would notice so i think this is the plan

will make sure to have booze on hand for the night of but i think i'll but my first set of pills tomorrow and just add on it from there

[this-is-just-here-for-venting]

i decided

if things dont get better by decemeber

killing myself

not scared of it i just cant do this for much longer tried before ill do it again i wont fail this time this isnt worth it

[this-is-just-here-for-venting]

tbh wild trying to recover from an ed and watching a vid about media and homelife being the start of them while you hit a lot of the known demographics for people w/ eds and like fuuuuuucccccckkkkkkkk ik but hey like i also hate scribbling out the nutrition label on my groceries and rounding up my calories saying 'nah i had enough for the day' so fuck it need to force myself to have an actual meal tonight instead of like 5 snacks in a trenchcoat pretending to be a meal

[this-is-just-here-for-venting]

honestly so👍 knowing our generation and the new one arent even seen as people just as the next market to appeal to and as trivial things to advertise to and feed data into b/c it leaves us w/ the scraps of opportunities previous generations had as if they forget theyre also getting older and want to keep said opportunities for themselves

[this-is-just-here-for-venting]

idk fuck it im drunk but is it so wrong to want to hear someone is proud of me

taking out my worthless degrees today and remembering that exactly 2 people said congrats just hurts and made me want to rip them up and people are upset i didnt walk w/ the cap and gown and everything but like what is there to "celebrate" when they didnt like what i did anyway

got my first fulltime proper job w/ benefits and didnt get a congrats or we're so proud of you for that either which also hurts and like ik it's the bare minimum but ow

fine i wasted p much my whole life but i feel like i can get a bit more but i think that's selfish

[this-is-just-here-for-venting]

people be like ‘oh no one loves you like your family’ meanwhile my family got legit mad at me because i didnt walk for graduation or have a grad party for a degree they actively told me was shit and wouldnt get me anywhere

like so sorry i didnt waste your time making you go somewhere??? for something you didnt like anyway and told me you werent proud of me for???  

[this-is-just-here-for-venting]

“we just want what’s best for you and we want you to succeed” 

no you dont you never cared the only reason you had me was so i’d be something and you dont and will never care about who i am or what i like because the only purpose i had when you gave birth to me is to make you look good and do things you wanted me to do

you wanted me to be like you and be “useful” and have your ambitions but you dont care about me being happy or doing things i want you just want to make yourself look good and now youre disappointed in me because i tried at all i’m a failure to you because i dared to do what i want and now youre using that to remind me that im not who you wanted and that you dont want me as a child or as part of the family i failed i know it but fuck off would you i dont want to hear it just as much as you dont want me

[this-is-just-here-for-venting]

and remember, kids, just cause you did everything mommy and daddy told you to and the things they said would help you out in the world; that doesn’t make them proud of you

you could end up like me: failing in the job search cause this job market hates new graduates and make the whole family think youre a failure. like sure you only went to college cause otherwise youd be disowned and sure youre suicidal all over again and wanna slam back some pills but hey at least you tried 

mom still hates you tho

grandparents think youre a loser

sister thinks youre pathetic 

youre a sack of shit

dont forget that :)

[this-is-just-here-for-venting]

‘you should stop smoking’ ‘you should stop drinking’ ‘you should start exercising and eating better’ like dude you really over estimate how much i want to be alive and underestimate how much i care about my currant health

[this-is-just-here-for-venting]

parents when you have a life outside of doing chores for them and picking up their mess

[this-is-just-here-for-venting]

y’all being alive fucking sucks

[this-is-just-here-for-venting]

full offense i’d rather die i fucking hate being here

[this-is-just-here-for-venting]

getting your period twice in the same month should be illegal 

and i swear to fuck if i get my period in december imma exit server 

[this-is-just-here-for-venting]

damn thanksgiving aint the same w/out being called a slur at the dinner table