thisghost

[thisghost]

I'd like to give back all the secrets I'm keeping. They're starting to smell. If I'm keeping your secret, please come pick it up in 48 hours or I'm gonna start spilling them all over the veranda

[thisghost]

I keep my sperm in an offshore bank for tax reasons

[thisghost]

Oh dang, that game's craaazy. Have you beaten ma?

[thisghost]

POV you're me getting consensually choked by you after a healthy discussion of our kinks, but all we can think about as my vision fades is what food we're gonna order after this

[thisghost]

Potato executives invented burlap sacks after being inspired by your dad's balls

[thisghost]

The fatherly urge to call literally anything by its full name.

[thisghost]

Reading is for chumps.

[thisghost]

Little orphan Annie was so poor she was betting the dollars right off of bottoms

[thisghost]

My primary defence mechanism is pretending I'm trying, with little success, to get a hair out of my mouth

[thisghost]

You scream your frustrations into a pillow to relieve stress. I do it to fill my pillow with energy that I use to dominate my opponents in pillow fights. We are not the same

[thisghost]

Jack of all dicks, master of cum

[thisghost]

If they don't stop charging late fees for sleep, I'm gonna cancel my subscription.

[thisghost]

Don't spend the extra cash on that peppermint flavor shot in your latte this winter. Just put on some peppermint chapstick before sipping. Not kidding.

[thisghost]

Them: I love you

Me: I love you too... In solidarity

[thisghost]

I'm just a pez dispenser for my toilet

[thisghost]

Toys R Us went out of business because of the ambiguity implied by their name. Like are the toys declaring that they are toys? Are they including anyone reading the sign, in which case, we're all toys, buying toys? It's that lack of clarity that drove customers away

[thisghost]

Scooby-Doo was real himbo rolemodel