thisisallaboutmeandnooneelse

[thisisallaboutmeandnooneelse]

Sunday January 5th of the year 2020

Happy new years you motherfuckers.

Whelp. This year's not so bad so far. But there are things that I left behind in 2019 that just doesn't want to go away.

Like some girls. Are annoying. You message. They respond. Not right away tho. Not 3 hours later but a week. You are on the phone. 24/7. I understand work and school and such. But like no response. Not even a "seen" thing. Just a "yep this message is sent"

At that point. Should I think they are ghosting me? Or are they just leading me on? Who fucking knows. But I can't seem to leave.

I know they will play me and yet I want to play.

Why.

Don't get me wrong. There are girls that respond back and actually talk and shit. But idk. I don't have the same connection with them.

I don't want to lead those girls on and be a hypocrite but I enjoy talking to girls.

Just what the fuck.... I gotta get my shit together. I gotta let those dumb, fake girls go.

I can only hope I can make the best out of not just the rest of 2020 but the rest of the 2020's

[thisisallaboutmeandnooneelse]

Sunday December 29th, of the year 2019

This year is almost over. This decade is almost over. And yet.

Even though I know I've grown, I know I've changed. I know that if I met by younger self I would probably punch him (me) in the face.

Even knowing all that. I still feel like. Nothing happened. I'm still just as lonely, still just as sad. Now I'm just also in debt and working instead of being in school.

I'm just hoping right now that the new year. The new decade. Is something better. Anything better.

Every night. Everything hurts. So tired of fighting. Of being alone. Of being suspicious of everything. Of having everything burned around.

So tired.

[thisisallaboutmeandnooneelse]

Monday December 23, of the year 2019

Now let me just say I'm writing this at 6 am on this day. The reason.

I just lost a friend. Granted. She used me to feel better about herself, she manipulated and used my kindness to make herself feel better. She led me on to believe that there could be more and when I had enough, I asked her to stop messaging me.

It works for a few months, then out of nowhere she calls me; not once, not twice but 5 times. So naturally I got worried. No response. Fine.

A few days go by. She messages back. Saying she wants to tell me something and she got my a gift. Fine. I'll humour you.

She gives me a present and said that she's sorry for the terrible she cause and such. That's fine. I accept your apology, but I didn't accept the gift.

And I know that telling her to stop messaging me won't work. So I was cold. Calculating. Making sure I said whatever needed to be said so she has idea herself.

So she will willingly stop talking to me. It's easier for someone to hate you if you give them a reason to. It wasn't hard to give her a reason to.

I've made sure to say everything I needed. Nothing more. Nothing less.

It might of been cruel to do that to her. But. For me to move past this for good, she needs to think that it was her idea to stop.

[thisisallaboutmeandnooneelse]

Monday May 6th of the year 2019

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA thought today would be fun. I mean. For the most part it was. Wasn't going to make a post today but hey. Lookie.

A post.

She broke up with me. I mean I was obvious. Deleting someone of off social media and everything. If she didn't. I would of honestly.

Oh well.... Let's restart this single life.

Single. And so not ready to mingle.

[thisisallaboutmeandnooneelse]

Thursday May 2nd of the year 2019

Happy may. Star wars day is coming up, if you don't know the date, well... Educate yourself pls.

Enough about that. Let's dive right into it shall we?

I started dating this new girl. Let's call her.... Annabelle. Yea sure. Ok so things were going nice for the first month. Then I noticed that she deleted me off of all soical media. I don't know why. Or why the fact that she doesn't seem to care to tell me why. Now I'm questioning everything. Was it something I did. Was it something I said? We barely talk anyways. We barely message not just because there's nothing we can apparently message on. (we only talk on whatsapp now).

Well it's like 6am. 545am to be exact. And I've been rolling in bed since 3. Can't seem to fall asleep. Can't seem to do anything to be honest.

I keep saying that I don't care if people find out about this blog. But am I just lying to myself? Do I really not care... Are there things that I just don't care about? Can I really just drop everything and go. Just leave it all behind.

I can't say for certain now.

There are people who want me. Who care for me. And it hurts that I don't know if i can do the same back. And it hurts even more that even if they tell me that I did. Will I really know deep down. That's not even something I know.

Since she took me off of all things. She too comes off of mine. Until I figure out what the heck is happening. And hey. If it happens. Saves me time right...? She's exactly like me. Meaning she too. Distants herself before the attack. So it hurts less for the person. It can't hurt as much if everything's done.

Shield up. Helmets on. Brace for impact. Let's do this.

549am.

[thisisallaboutmeandnooneelse]

Tuesday March 26th of the year 2019

So I jsut realized something about myself. I hate feeling that I'm needed. Doesn't matter what is it. Or where. I dislike the feeling of someone needing me. I feel like I'm trapped. That I have to do this before I can do anything else. Feels like I'm being confined in a closed space. I would rather feel that I'm wanted. That someone wants me there, not because I'm the only person able to do it. But becasue they want my company.

I'm currently working 2 jobs. One I'm wanted and and one I'm needed. And I love working at the job where I'm wanted instead of the job where I'm needed. Yes I understand that there are times where the job where I'm wanted, needs me. But not all the time. I'm able to still live my life and work there. Instead of just "hey. Come right now. Drop what you are doing and do this."

Sigh... I'm trying to figure out with its all worth it....

[thisisallaboutmeandnooneelse]

Saturday March 9th if the year 2019

Hey hey. Not feeling too bad today. But I realized something else about myself.

My lack of confidence, or my anxiety. I don't know which one. But whichever one. It is pulling me back. I know it seems like a no brainer, like no shit. That holds everyone back. But no matter where I work. My lack of confidence always slows me down in whatever I'm doing.

Take for example. At work. I thought I was going to be the next CC (I'm not, no surprise) but that being said. I feel like I'm not because of the fact that I don't say much. I don't do much. I do my job and go home. That's it. I'm don't go out of my way to anything else. For anyone. I don't think of myself. Because I'm scared of doing something wrong. Of messing up. And yes I get that messing up is part of life. But that doesn't mean I want to mess up. And I feel terrible everytime I do mess up, because I feel like. Someone else of could of done it, perfectly the first time. Don't need to waste the time, the energy, or the resources.

Anyways gotta go now

Cya

[thisisallaboutmeandnooneelse]

February 19th of the year 2019

Oh look. First post of 2019.

Oh cool.

Ok. Well. I realized that. Maybe... I'm not over the whole "best friend suddenly disappearing act" I mean. How do you handle that? We were so close. We went to the gym together, talked about all sorts of things to each other and now he won't even return my text. I don't even know if he reads them or if he just blocked my number....

Everyone is telling me to just cut him off! He did that to you! Why can't you do that to him? Because I don't know if I'm ready... To face the reality that... He is really is gone. Maybe... Someday he will message me... Maybe someday we can hang out as friends again....

Most of my "friends" from highschool sided with her. I don't blame them. I'm the monster here... I shouldn't have said what I said. And I guess this is what I deserve. Saw a post a while back. Another best friend. Hanging with my ex in Florida for anoother flim. Must be nice.... To have people to count on.

I mean it's not all bad. Met this new girl. Seems nice. Down to earth. Knows what she wants to do. But what about me? What do I want to do. Still in debt.... And planning to move out? Wtf is wrong with me.... 10 grand in the bank.... I have been needing to make big changes. But.... I can't just flip a switch....

I'm just scared... Ill fuck this up too. I somehow fuck it all up... Either its me just self sabotaging or... I say something. Or she can't handle me... The real me. Not the fun, happy, jumpy... But the dark, sad, lonely me..... I know there are days where I can't.....

I guess..... We will see where it goes?

Goodnight.

[thisisallaboutmeandnooneelse]

Monday October 29th of the year 2018

GAH I DISLIKE TUMBLR SO MUCH. I MADE A POST AND IT WHEN ON MY OTHER ACCOUNT. AND I DONT EVEN REMEMBER WHAT I WAS SAYING

Ok let's see if i can kinda remember.

It was about emotional distant. And me being emotionally distant. And how I'm scared that I'll lose her because she's a normal girl with normal feelings and I'm just me...

I'm so mad at tumblr. I wish I could remember. But I can't.

Ok now I'm going to sleep. Fuck you tumblr.

[thisisallaboutmeandnooneelse]

Monday March 5th of the year 2018

Hoy shit. Ok I get that yesterday I just said that everything was looking uphill a bit. But like. I just realized how stressed out I really am.....

At my job I work closing, so I'm working at around 5 or 6pm and working until 1 or 2 am. Which means when I'm home. I'm extremely tired and no one is awake to talk, I sleep until 12 or 1, which means most people aren't home or too busy to talk, then back to work the next day. Right now, I have Mondays and Wednesdays off, which means I don't get 2 days in a row that I'm not working.

On top of that. I don't really talk to people outside of work, and even at work. It's not talking talking, more of work talking. Which is completely different. Stressed out about money because I got none and so much debt to pay off. That I can't afford to take time off. But I'm working so much and getting paid so little. That I legitimately feel like I want to give up.

I want to take a break, a vacation but I know I can't afford it.

I barely speak to my mom because I'm awake wt ungodly hours and when I'm finally up, she's away at work.

It's 4:30am right now. Not tired. Can't sleep. So much going through my head. They won't stop. "what if you get fired because you are asking for too much?" "what if your credit is bad? " "what if you get too injured and you can't work? " "what if your phone gets cut because you can't pay the bills?"

Idk.... I don't know what to do...... I want to see a therapist but I don't have the time nor the money too, or the means of transportation to get there. So that's outta the question.....

Anyways, sorry for bothering at this time of night? Morning? Whatever.

[thisisallaboutmeandnooneelse]

Sunday March 4th of the year 2018

So today just started, but I’ve been home for maybe an hour, because i just got off work. I do closing shifts at work now, so i start at 5 or 6 pm and work until 1 or 2 or maybe even 3 am. 

Buts its fun, like i enjoy it. I dont get to speak to a lot of people because no one is awake when im done work. but it’s not too bad. Life’s been getting better in a sense, I got my full license, after 4 years of driving, I paid off my lawyer and my course, so now I am working on paying off my credit card, which im making improvements every time. Yeah, things are looking up. 

I have yet to see a therapist. even though i feel like i might need one. I dont really have time for one. Maybe I’ll get one someday. but until then. Nah. 

Oh, made new friends online, they are great. I love them so much, we listen to each other, and talk and laugh. 

but yeah. thanks for reading :D 

PS, been a while since i have had a happy post, glad i have one now c:

[thisisallaboutmeandnooneelse]

Monday February 19th of the year 2018

oh geez, first post of 2018, well this post isn’t anything sad or such, but something i was thinking of in the shower, just now. 

We live in a world where we don’t talk about flying cars or cool robot inventions because every story we hear on the news is about something bad happening in the world somewhere, either its a terrorist attack or a missing plane or a natural disaster due to the “fake” climate change.

For every 1 wonder story about a someone winning something or people rescuing someone there’s 4 bad ones that  just cover up the good stories.

Our government is more interested in the money that the world is making than the people who is making the money, the richer only gets richer while the poor and the middle class gets nothing. So i heard somewhere that the top 10% is as rich as the other 90% or some stupid number like that. Like that is so dumb. Or that the people feel safer without the police because of all the police brutality stories. And all those memes about people losing faith in humanity or saying us that humanity is the death of the planet? I personally believe it. 

So whenever people tell you that we are lazy or self-centered or whatever bullshit they say. We will be the ones taking over this planet after all our “knowing” leaders die, we will be the ones that have to fix this planet from what they are doing. We are the one that need to take the repercussions and the consequences. We know that. And because of that, we are afraid, deeply, deeply afraid.

[thisisallaboutmeandnooneelse]

Friday December 8th of the year 2017

This post is about talents. Talents are a weird thing. People tell you that it's special but then you realize that it's not really "that" special.

Let's take singing for example. When you are young they tell you that you have a wonderful singing voice and that you are special. Then when you grow up, you continue to hear them say that you are special because you can sing. So hence you think you are special BECAUSE you can sing. And when you get out of school, you realize that, you aint the only one that can sing. That many people can sing, and that you're not even the best one at singing. So now. You don't know what do you with yourself. The thing that people said that you are so good at. Millions of others are better than you at that one thing.

Some others have talents that are very visible. Like some can once again sing, or draw, voice or live act, or they are really good at math, etc. Some are not so visible. For example, someone could be the best at cheering someone up, but you won't see it unless a) you're the upset one and that person is cheering you up or b) you hear someone tell you that. Or they have a wonderful sense of humour. That you again won't see with the eye. Only when and if you talk to them.

Now what is my talent? I don't know. I can't voice act nor regular act. I have been in a movie, but I feel like. I've done so bad. I'm not particularly good at cheering someone up, or talking to people for a fact. If you were to meet me. I would most likely stand there like an awkward penguin.

My online presence is the same. I don't talk to much, because I don't like the sound of my voice. For a guy, I have a pretty high pitched voice. Making people either think I'm not a guy or a child in their 13 or 14s. I have heard 12 year olds sound like 25 year olds. But to this day, I can not stand the sound of my voice. To the point where I find myself thinking "how do others stand it...?"

Anyways enough about my voice. Back to talents. Well let's see. Am I good at typing? Not really. What about names? Nope. I'll forget the second I hear it. Alright... What about cooking? Well. I can cook, but it's definitely not a talent that is above everything else. Hm... Running or exercising? I'm a lazy potato.

Have you ever felt like everyone around you have things figured out, and leaving you behind. Like everyone knows what they are doing for the rest of the lives and you're still there, flipping though the "help wanted" section of the newspaper? Well I'm sorta there now.

How I manage to type so much into one post I'll never understand. But it happens. Whelp until next time.

[thisisallaboutmeandnooneelse]

Sunday December 3rd of the year 2017 My life story Part 1

This post will be a little different, instead of me talking about what is wrong, I’m just going to say everything that happened in my life, from the very beginning. So first a little about me. Currently 20 years old, suffering from ADD and anger issues, memory problems, and maybe some other things. The age might be wrong because I don’t remember exactly what age i was when this happens, but I’ll try my best to fit everything together.

Alright, lets start. Lets go back to 1997, Hong Kong. Where I was born. Pretty peaceful life, don’t remember much about it. Only know that I moved here when I was 3. So I have been living in Canada for almost 18 years. When my mom and I moved here, my father didn’t come with us. And I wouldn’t see him for the next 16 years. When i was five, I believe, during elementary school I was sent to a room where i was told to match shapes, and do other test, and somehow they concluded that I have ADD and ODD (search it up), plus anger issues. 

Since it was my only my mom and I, she had to work a lot to keep food on the time for the both of us, so we lived in basements for majorly of my childhood, I remember staying up, with the TV on, because I wanted to wait for my mom to come home first. That was until she started dating a guy, lets name him Robert. So my mom and “Robert” were dating, but “Robert ”smokes”, and from the very beginning I told my mom that he wasn’t a nice guy, but my mom wouldn’t listen to me, so dated they did. During this time, I was sent to a therapist to help control my anger at Markham Stouffville Hospital, and I remember this very clearly. I came out of therapy to see my mom in the emergency room with a black eye, turns out “Robert” hit her. So she got a restraining order against him, oh I forgot to mention, they had a company together, so my mom had to completely re-brand. 

At some point, I was moved from my regular elementary school to a school that was suppose to teach me how to live with my anger, how to control it. And during that time, we were also moving to a new house. The first house we would live in. (I was about 10 or so?) So after the move to this new house, and after the “new” school. I went to UMPS (If you really want to know just google it), from grade 5 until grade 8, then graduated from there and went to MSS until grade 12 where I graduated there too. 

So UMPS, my anger was still an issue, I was sent to the vice principals office a lot, I had a fight on the snowbank, and also one of my out burst was how i met my now ex-best friend. 

I was shaking a tree back in grade 5. And she told the teacher, I disliked her, but after some time, we grew to become friends, I even developed feelings for her, but it was never reciprocated, I would ask her to school dances from grade 5 and grade 6, get turned down, go alone. Grade 7 I decided not to ask her, and now from what she told me, she told me, she has feelings for me during that time, but since I didn’t ask her, I missed my chance. And grade 8, we both decided that it would be better to just be friends, So for grade 8 graduation dance, I asked out another girl, and she just went with friends. 

Now graduation dance was something, one of my old friends was trying to get a date for that dance, and he only one girl. She would always reject him, but he would keep trying, to the point where, at the dance, he waited outside the bathroom for her to come and dance with him, how do I know this? He pulled me away from my date to be with him. It got so sad that I could hear the girls in the washroom, laughing at him. Since I’m a nice person, I waited with him, When he finally came to his senses, all the slow dances were done. My date was not happy. 

So school isn’t the only thing that happened, during all that I was in Scouts as well. I was in 238 Markham scout group. Started from Beavers until Ventures, then stopped because of school, then started again a few months ago as a Rover (not in the same group though) I haven’t talked to anyone from 238 in a while, the one person that I really enjoyed in that scout group dislikes me because I told her that I couldn’t go to scouts because of homework, and I just always posted that I was out having fun (I don’t remember any of this) and because of that she doesn’t trust me anymore. Which I understand. Right now, I’m trying to figure out what I can say to at least try and repair what has been broken. 

From scouts I remember going to winter camp, cooking food over a small stove for one, sleeping in tents and crawling into a really cold sleeping bag, only to warm up a few minutes after. I remember one time, where someone tried to “burn” water. That was amazing, I remember getting my wood badge, or going to week long camp during the summer, and catching hypothermia. I remember the food drills, and the 30 minute long standing because we were late, or missing items on our uniforms. 

Now grade 8 summer was a mess. Grade 8 was where it all began. I was the few to be chosen to go to a program that would mimic high school. That’s where I met my first girlfriend, lets called her “Jenny”, She had a crush on me (which is a first) and she would look at me from afar. I don’t remember what happened, but we ended up talking, and developed feelings for each other, by the end of the one month program, everyone knew we liked each other, and we just asked each other if we were dating. 

She ended up transferring to my school so we could be together. But after 4 months or so(around November of grade 9), we broke up. I was pretty heartless as well. Told her we breaking up, and ran away happy. (Not my proudest moment).

For the rest of grade 9 and 10, I was single, she started dating someone though.

Now I’m going to introduce to you my high school friends, most of which I don’t really speak to anymore, during Grade 9 in math class, I met my friend, Jason. He’s cool, we don’t really speak now, more on that later, but we start hanging out, gym class, I meet Marco and Gary, saw Gary again in grade 10 math class, that’s when we actually started to hang out, and Marco in gym class. There is also Peter, we met back at UMPS at homework club, we both didn’t want to do our homework. Aaron, one of the few people I still sorta talk to, he was one of the first friends I had when I first transferred to UMPS. 

Jason actually helped me get my second girlfriend, who we shall call “Sammi”, they were best friends back in elementary school, Sammi and I dated for about 8 months before she moved, and we broke up because of that. This was during grade 10 summer if I remember correctly. Most of grade 11 was my other friend’s love drama, I was single throughout that. Until grade 12, the end of Grade 12 that is.

Second semester of grade 12, I had English, with Jenny. turns out she and her boyfriend broke up, and little did I know that my ex-best friend was talking to her for the entire high school career (since grade 9) but anyways, we ended up talking again (probably about homework, I don’t remember) and Jenny messages my ex-best friend (lets call her “Samantha”) that she might be starting to get feelings for me again. Samantha warns her not to, but somehow, we end up dating once again. We both lost our V-cards to each other and dated for 2 years. 

During those 2 years, like any couple, we fought sometimes, but our fighting was different, you see, she has depression and anxiety, I have anger issues. So most of our fighting would end with her in a panic attack, and me needing to comfort her (at least that is what I remember). 

But we did have a lot of fun times, I remember surprising her at her school, and her surprising me at mine, having dinner together, cooking together, watching movies both at my place, and at the theater, going to a live musical, several actually. we went camping together, both in a cottage, and a tent, swimming, skating, tubing. 

But like everything, it comes to an end. And the main reason why I made this tumblr. The main reason why I vent out to a page on the internet instead to a person that might be able to get me advice back. 

We broke up back in may, the beginning of may. And on what I thought was on “good” terms, I know now those do not exist, she messages me a few weeks after, telling me she needs me to see something. So we meet up, and turns out she’s pregnant, and she wants to keep it. I tell Jason, that I might be a father and he is happy for me. 

I still remember is so clearly, we were sitting at my workplace, eating (I work in a restaurant) and I ask him to be my godfather, he is over the moon, but as the day progresses I start to think “I’m 20 years old, I’m too young to have a child now”. And this is where everything turns bad. Because of the combination of ADD and anger issues, I have been known to be impulsive, and not think through everything. 

I was venting to Samantha (which I shouldn’t have) but I told her something and she ended up telling Jenny, which freaked out, told the university, who told the cops, which ended up in me spending 22 hours in jail. I also told Jason what I told Samantha, and now he’s not talking to me. 

I have been typing this for about an hour. I’m going to stop here for now. Ill continue some other time, but if you made it all the way down here. Thanks, means a lot to me. And maybe ill finish this up.  

[thisisallaboutmeandnooneelse]

Saturday November 11th of the year 2017

I just watched a Netflix movie called "naked" and it was about a guy named Rob Anderson getting stuck in a time loop until his wedding is the best it can be. And it just got me thinking that. 4 months ago. I knew who I was friends with. Who I could trust and who would be my best man at my wedding. But now. I haven't spoken to any of my friends in so long. They have all seem to forget about me. I have made new ones (sorta) that always seem to enjoy hanging out with me, don't get me wrong. I love hanging with them too. But I miss my old friends from highschool. The one friend I was talking about is, well no names, but he was my personal trainer. Someone who made me look bigger and such. He was my best friend (granted I don't know if I was his) and now. We haven't spoken in 3 months. Or maybe longer. Or any of the other friends. There's the "hey" online ever so often. But when I join. I feel this..... Tension.... Which makes me really uneasy.

I have been playing so much overwatch recently, because I have been lonely.... And the people in overwatch, well they keep me company (for the time being) and let me forget about everything.

I met a new friend. She is wonderful and we have established that we are solely just friends. And she's wonder to talk to, and why not. But I can't ever give myself the push to open up. To open to another girl. Even though I know that she doesn't know anyone I know.... I just can't....

Oh and I have also been out of school for 4 weeks now. 4 weeks and still counting. So there's that.

[thisisallaboutmeandnooneelse]

Tuesday September 24, 2017

11pm. Walking my neighbourhood. Needing to talk to someone, to anyone. With no one around who will answer. Calling for help and getting no response. Knowing that people are either too busy or too far to do anything, so I sit here, alone.

Trying to drown out my thoughts with music, doesn't work. Those voices are louder than my music can be. And it keeps getting louder.

So I'll continue to walk around. With my hand held out, hoping someone will grab it. I wish I was in a drama or anime, at this time. A best friend would know exactly where you are, or someone you trust would message you and ask if everything is okay. But this isn't a drama or anime. In life, you quietly drown. Your loudest cry for help is when you die.

That's the world we live in. Dead people are louder than ones who physically cry for help.

[thisisallaboutmeandnooneelse]

Wednesday September 20th of the year 2017

I'm in a rut. I'm extremely depressed right now, and I don't know how to handle it. I always feel like I'm alone, with no one to help me. Most of my friends don't even know what I'm going through right now, the ones who do know are always too busy, my co-workers couldn't care less, my mom doesn't even understand the pain I'm going through. The people who I thought I could trust, the ones who told me that they would never betray me. Stabbed my right in my back. And the kicker? One of my other friends told me that whenever I need them, they will be there. But when I do. He stops talking to me. Completely ghosts me. That's what everyone does. They always say that they are there, but when push comes to shove, they leave you. They pretend you don't exist. Like they never really cared. Know in my posts. I have never used real names. And that's because of 2 reasons. 1. That tends to back-fire on me. I'm this situation because I used names to someone I TRUSTED someone that told me that I could confide in them. And 2. Well this is the internet. Anything posted will stay on forever, and I might be okay with this post on the internet. I'm not ready for the people who hurt me to be on too.