thisisfinch

[thisisfinch]

I think i might wanna do drugs for real

[thisisfinch]

“There’s more whiskey than blood in my vein, more tar than air in my lungs    The strung out call I make burned down at the edge of the highway                  I’m sorry for asking but please come and take me home..”                                    

I think she feels me. I started thinking maybe I should try whiskey sometimes so I can feel her as well. I think we share the same pain, except for she’s a drug addict and an alcoholic and god knows what else, and I’m a sociopath, a depressioner, a screwer, hopelesser and an outcast, abandoned by the society.

And i dont smoke, for a matter of fact. I used to hate smoking so much, i hate the smokers, sometimes even despise them. But now i don’t know anymore. Maybe eventually i’ll end up trying that sometimes. You know, when i desperately want to scratch my throat and in a desperate need of something to prevent that then maybe a light of cigarette could be useful. I don’t know. In most days now i don’t know much of anything anymore. I just hopelessly wanna get out. Of this place, of these people, of myself, of this life. Of here, and now. I just seriously wanted it to end. Period.

God i’m obsessed with this song. I’m obsessed with Julien Baker and basically everything she wrote. How could someone capture my life so well. So glad i found her. So glad i found Phoebe Bridgers that led me to find her. Tho i knew it now, that nothing, no fucking thing, is at all coincident. I always found the best music when the biggest shit happened to me

Like how i found Priscilla Ahn in grade 9, when that boy crush taught me first lesson of depression. Think i found Mindy Gledhill after I failed pathetically my highschool entrance exams. Jasmine Thompson was when I started out in that ex-highschool that I hated so much i can’t even talk about it. And of course the same time I befriended that melancholy girl that dropped out of school after i left. Jasmine of course, led me to Noah Gundersen after her cover of Isaiah. And that was when i started to fall for my ex-best friend. And when she almost killed herself cause her ex-bf killed herself first I happened to read all the bright places and found Saturn of Sleeping At Last at the same time. Coincidence? No, i don’t think so. I think God had it planned on me that way, that I was bound to suffer like I am right now. Everything is all planned up.  And after that, knows what happened? Can you guess? You. Exactly. Undoubtedly. You happened. And look how enormous our music playlist became. You were everything that happen and was supposed to happen to have resulted in a me of today like that. And now. After you. The first time that you almost left, I found Clare Bowen and Nashville and the whole cast. Then you came back and adored their songs as well and oh how happily have we sung those together. Then you left again, for real this time, after everything. And i almost died, twice, tho i bet you’d never accept that. I think you don’t believe it almost happened at all. Or maybe its just that you really don’t care anymore. Then there came Keaton Henson that basically sings about us. And I found Phoebe Bridgers. And Julien Baker. And how many more you’d know if you are still following my youtube which i bet is impossible.

I’d come to terms with that. That if I stay myself and in this life I just gotta suffer. The kind of suffering uglier than anyone would ever have to undergo. Why me, why this? I forever ask. How sad, how tragic, how inescapable. Maybe I did something hugely wrong in my past life. Maybe that’s why. And this whole life of mine was designed for me to pay back for all the bad things i did without even acknowledged it. Thats like the only way of explaining all this tragic pain I have to proceed every single day in my life. 

Mon, Aug 13, 2018

[thisisfinch]

So i finally started this account. I’ve been meaning to do this for forever. I need somewhere safe. Gotta put all my deepest thoughts somewhere. For myself so i dont forget them easily. For the world (someday maybe) to have something of me. For you to know how i’ve been (if you wish). This is meant to be a journal. And it is one. Funny isn’t it? Putting your private stuff out there in the most public place, social media :)) ik, but i’m sure nobody bothers it anw, till one day something happens i guess. Oh well, maybe i won’t be there to witness then. So i’m glad. This is my last desperate effort. I’ll try my best to do this daily. Having the last of me not going forgotten. Leaving part of my story somewhere and maybe it can help someone someday somehow idk yet. But who knows :))

Sat, Au 11th, 2018