thisiswhereispillmythoughts

[thisiswhereispillmythoughts]

Why it didn’t work

1. I did not feel special/loved

2. I explained my doubts but action was never took to fix it

3. Co-dependency (possibly due to the pandemic)

4. Did not fight for our relationship much

5. My happiness was not prioritized

6. Selfishness on his side

[thisiswhereispillmythoughts]

July 15th, 2021

Hello. This is me starting an online diary.

Today was a little rough. I have felt this wave of exhaustion lately and I just am so unmotivated at work. I find myself pushing things off at work when I used to be so proactive so I worry that ever since I got this promotion I don’t have much to push me forward. However, I don’t want to show that I am slacking so I am quite scared. When will I find my motivation again?

I am sure this breakup hasn’t helped my focus. I miss him so much. I get mad at myself and go back and forth because I remember all the good times. Is it lame that I still have hope? I always thought he would come back because I thought we loved each other so much. He still hasn’t sent me the book which makes me think he doesn’t care and just doesn’t give a shit anymore. I really thought he would fight more for us. I am such an amazing person and I don’t know why it is so hard.

I keep finding him on Tinder and a part of me wants to swipe right even though I know it is wrong. I want to talk to him so badly but I know it is not right to do so. I really need to move on but I am finding it so hard to do that. Why do I still want him so much? Sometimes I think we just can’t move on from each other and I am scared at this point I will never move on. I know that there are so many people out there so why am I still stuck on this person who sabotaged our relationship and didn’t prioritize my happiness?? I sound like a fucking idiot.

Meera auntie said that he wants to reconcile. I wonder if he swiped right on me or if he has even seen my profile yet. I always imagined that he would send me the book with a large entry asking for my forgiveness and asking for another chance but I know that is a pipe dream.

I am absolutely losing it. I keep buying pods and drinking heavily. I’m scared he has already moved on. In which case, that means he isn’t the one. That just proves that our relationship didn’t mean enough. It meant so much to me. And it is not hard to put in work into the relationship. But for some reason my heart still keeps running to him. Am I absolutely INSANE? He has hurt me so much. Why do I still want him?

I need to figure out how to move on. I have isolated myself so much and I need to figure out how to distance myself from all of this. I hate being so unhappy all the time and trying to find ways to keep myself occupied. I know that it is early but my heart just wants us to be happy together. I think I am delusional but there is nothing wrong with not wanting to give up on the person you love. I will always love him. I wonder if he still loves me. I know he said he always would but I don’t know. He is so good at maintaining his emotions because of his past. 

I have so many questions about the future but I need to learn to live in the present and not let things bother me so much. Therapy has helped a lot and I am doing better mentally at handling all of these things. The FYP tarot card readings on TikTok has not helped. I fucking love him so much and I don’t know why. Will I ever get over this? I want to not be in this state anymore.