thisonlyexistsbcimnostalgic

[thisonlyexistsbcimnostalgic]

Shepard does nothing

@motherscarf ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Please ignore this I’m never editing it and I wrote it in like 5 second while watching a movie because that’s how writing works. 

I walk through another cornfield- Nebraska is full of them. And this one is full of pixies. Nasty little creatures, but they’re magic, and I’ve never been able to resist trying to befriend a magical being. Damn, I wish I could talk to a Speaker. But they’re almost as rare as my favorite Starbucks drink, and unlike unicorn frappucinos, you can’t get them by standing in line. They’re good at blending in, and they’re untrusting of anyone who isn’t like them.

Ouch! A pixie just bit my ankle. Did I mention how nasty they are?

“Umm.... Hi, you guys.” I try, hoping they’ll answer.

No response.

“Hi, I’m Shepard. From Omaha. I used to be a storm chaser? Now I’m sort of a magic chaser, I guess.” 

There’s still no response. Drat it, the shock-them-with-honesty approach is pretty much my only trick. I mean, it’s worked in the past. But apparently not this time. Oh well, there’s always another field, more pixies. The midwest is basically just acres of them, and I can try again tomorrow. Maybe after that Renaissance fair?

[thisonlyexistsbcimnostalgic]

Red streaks flow down the sand. They mix 

with the crashing waves, 

and the ocean erases them. What is one 

body’s blood.

When compared with 

the expanse of the ocean?

It’s nothing--

mere grains of salt.

The sea

is already full of it.

The sea

is already full of bodies.

Shipwrecks, crashing against

the rocks lining the shore.

Sharks can take the remains.

It’s fitting

he should end here too.

But then, he

was always one 

who did the fitting.

Perhaps I should move him.

If there’s one thing 

I don’t want

it’s to add to the irony.

Iron.

Blood is full of iron.

It binds 

the oxygen,

ensuring it’s safe passage 

to your lungs. His lungs 

no longer breathe.

Blood is rich,

salty. 

The sea is full 

of salt.

The sea

is full of bodies.

[thisonlyexistsbcimnostalgic]

“What is this?” She asks, her hand grasping my wrist, the inside turned upward.

“It’s a tattoo,” I respond. I know I’m avoiding the question, but I’m so afraid to tell her the truth. I’m worried that she’ll leave, or worse, she’ll feel obliged to stay.

“I can see that. But… that word. Why did you choose it?” She fiddles her thumb, stroking the inside of my wrist. I don’t pull away, I’m too afraid to, but I’ve always been uncomfortable being touched there. If I don’t soon, it’ll make everything so much worse. I can feel panic starting to intensify, bubbling up inside of me.

“To remind me.” I’m still avoiding the question, but I can’t help it. The movement of her thumb is making my throat feel tight, and my ears start to buzz.

“Of what?” She’s still doing it. I should tell her to stop; it will only get worse if I don’t. But if I do, that will just bring up more questions that I can’t answer, not tonight of all nights. I don’t think she knows, it’s unlikely that she realized how much longer my family’s conversation was. 

I’ve never been able to cry about it, not when I first heard what happened, not even now, almost ten years later. I’ve cried about so many meaningless things over the years, and it always makes me feel guilty that this is one thing I’ve never been able to cope with that way.

“It’s… nothing. I should go to bed, I’m really tired.” I start to rise off the couch. Maybe if I leave now, if I could get to my bedroom soon enough, she won’t realize what’s happening. 

“Wait.” She grasps my wrist, and it’s as if someone set off a trigger inside me. I fall to the floor.

It feels like I’m choking on my tears, each sob painful in my throat. I start scratching at her hand, trying to pry it off. Not there, not now. The hand tightens.

“Let me go!” I plead. “Please, please, just stop, no, please, I can’t deal with it.” Her hand immediately relaxes, and I continue to sob, scratching at my own wrist now, trying to get the feeling off, not knowing if it’s wet from blood or tears. I vaguely feel hands on me, patting my back, but it’s as if it’s not my body feeling the sensation. 

I can’t feel anything- I won’t let myself feel anything. Not today. Not any day. I can push it down, force the waves away, make the tides ebb. My sobs grow quieter and quieter as I curl up in a limp ball. What have I done?

[thisonlyexistsbcimnostalgic]

Fractals

This is the first chapter of an original story I wrote, that I’m unfortunately never going to finish.

Chapter 1

“Hey! Aki, wait up,” I call as my best friend Akiva jogs ahead of me. We jog over cracked pavement that leads to our school, whose pristine cement walls look out of place among derelict shacks and cottages that people like my parents, lower class workers, inhabit. Luckily, I will avoid that fate. I guess that’s all it is though, a serendipitous turn of events that led me to be born with a Koch Snowflake fractal, the rarest one. Next year, when I’m 15, I’ll be out of this place, and into a boarding school, but away from everything I know. I don’t want to leave my parents and my friends, but I can’t deny that I’m excited to see what life is like for the upper classes.

“There isn’t time.” Aki responds, interrupting my thoughts. “You know Mr. Hall hates it when we’re late.” 

“He’s not that bad,” I argue. I’ve never even heard him say a cross word. He’s pretty mild, even if he is the sort of suck up who gives me perfect scores when I know I’ve gotten something wrong. Technically, all the teachers are supposed to be the same across the neighborhoods, but everyone knows that the higher ranking neighborhoods get much better teachers.

“He treats you better because you’re a Snowflake. The rest of us mere ‘commoners’ have to deal with him hating us.” 

“You’re a Mandelbrot, so technically of a higher rank than him. He’s just a Sierpinski who did superbly well on the test.”

“Yeah, but I’m not a higher class, that is unless I also do fantastic on the test.”

“I’m sure you will, you’re literally a genius. Plus, we still have plenty of time left to study, and our grades matter too.”

“Are you kidding me? There’s only eight months and seven days! You don’t have to worry about the test, there’s no other option but success. For me, it could change my entire future. Just because my best friend is a Snowflake doesn’t mean that I also get a free ride to the life of my dreams.”

“I’m sorry, Aki, that was unfair. You’re right; it’s not my place to say things about the test. But just know I’m sure you’ll be phenomenal. Now we should really hurry, I just heard the first bell ring.”

We rush inside the school and slide into our seats just as the second bell rings, announcing the end of our passing period. “All right class, it’s time for our daily report, then after that we’ll have our morning announcements.” Mr. Hall announces. We all watch as the projector in the middle of the room begins to glow with a bright blue light, before the hologram forms.

“Dear Aelia,” the Supreme Leader, Hunter, announces, “today is a gorgeous day to be in our country. We are blessed with our wonderful government, beautiful country, bountiful crops, and the fractals marking each of our wrists. Without the fractals, our system would be in disarray, and no one would know their proper place. We thrive with them as our base, our guide to the classes.” His face is plastered in an all too plastic smile while he recites the same lines he does every morning. 

“Yeah, a blessing if you’re a Brot or Koch,” Freddi retorts. He’s always the one who talks out in class, but everyone acknowledges it’s because he’s bitter to have been born Apollonian. Hunter continues, oblivious to the small act of defiance, spoken from an unexceptional child in a small school in a poor neighborhood in a lower class district that he probably has never heard of.

Hunter says, “For all students turning 15 this year, we have moved the examination date to seven months earlier. All of your examinations will be moved up as well.” Indignant protests erupt from members of my class.

“That’s outrageous!” Carlia, a blond Sierpinski who is usually quiet, yells, “We’ll only have a month to prepare! We were supposed to have eight.”

“Now this may seem like a shock, but keep in mind, everyone has the same test date still, and the tests are on a curve, so everyone will still have the amount of time to prepare.” Hunter carries on. “I’m sure everyone will do great. Now let us recite the pledge.”

We all stand with him and recite, “We pledge to the land of Aelia that for the rest of our lives, we will be loyal, obedient citizens who understand that our government knows best. We will remember how blessed we are to live in this society, where fractals determine classes so everyone may know where they belong.” The hologram fizzles out and we all sit down.

“Very good, class. I would even say that was laudatory.” Mr. Hall praises. “Does anyone know what that word means? It could be on the test.” Six hands shoot up, Aki and mine among them. His eyes scan the room, before falling on me.“Yes, Kalia?” 

“It means worthy of praise”

“Excellent as always. I’m sure you will do very well on the test, despite the change in date. But of course, you are a Koch Snowflake, so I suppose it doesn’t matter, does it?” he says with an awkward chuckle.

“Yes sir, but I intend to study hard so that I may do well anyway.” I respond, my words forced, but the meaning true. I do in fact intend to study and do well, but I have to be perfect, even when stating the truth.

“Very good. That sort of devotion is indeed laudatory, but we must continue. Class, there aren’t too many announcements today, but they are as follows.” He takes a deep breath, before quickly reading, “‘This pod will have a government class, computers and technology class, lunch, then a full grade assembly to learn how to study, due to the change in test date. Today is spaghetti day, but as there is a shortage in produce we will not have tomatoes or cheese. Please remember that today is national Keep Your Socks On day.’ Wow, that one breath rendition of your announcements must have knocked everyone’s socks off.” He laughs again, but no one joins him. No one likes teacher jokes, and everyone is too worried about the test date being moved up to care anyway.

The bell rings, and we all head to government class. This is Aki’s favorite, because they want to be a politician someday. It’s possible, because they’re a Mandelbrot Set, but it’s not very likely unless they do really well on the test. Even then, it’ll still be hard because practically all the Koch Snowflakes either go into politics or become CEOs. Everyone thinks that being a Snowflake means a life with no restrictions, where your every wish is handed to you on a silver platter. In reality, we are forced into a small set of jobs, with no room for anything else. My dream of being a poet can never and will never come to be. Despite the harsh truth, I haven’t lost hope. I desperately want to write poems, and I’ll never stop dreaming about it.

We enter the classroom, a bright, airy space with windows on every wall looking out on the world around us. In nicer neighborhoods, nicer cities, I am sure it is a beautiful sight, but here all you can see are drugged up homeless people leaning against the windows. “All right children!” Ms. Ashwood calls. “It’s time to start government class. Please be seated and read the lesson plan on the board.” 

Aki and I grab seats in the front. When I read the lesson plan, I find that we are reviewing our government for the test. It seems like an odd choice, considering how many times we’ve gone over it, but I guess more review is always good. “Akiva, hand out this review sheet,” our teacher directs.

“Of course, Ms. Ashwood,” Aki responds. They get up and hand out the papers. I grab mine, and see it’s just a flow chart of our government. The supreme leader is at the top, with control over everything. 

Then comes law formatum, conparantes, and illigo, our branches which form laws, interpret laws, and enforce laws. It’d be really boring to explain it now, but basically it’s a corrupt way to give all the power to Mandlebrots and Koch Snowflakes, so that they can continue  to be in charge. I don’t think everything should be decided on what is on the inside of your wrist. Akiva doesn’t agree with me. Everyone seems so happy with the system; it’s sort of odd.

In class, all we end up doing is discussing the class systems. We’ve already done this a lot, so I zone out a bit. Aki is super engaged, though. They make a lot of amazing points, and it’s clear to everyone they'll probably become a politician when she grows up. I wish I was the same way; super involved. Because I don’t have a family company to inherit, so I don’t really have any options besides government. No Snowflake who comes from the lower classes can become a spy, which is the third option, because they are worried about loyalty. 

My musings are unpatriotic, and I feel guilty about that, so I tune back in. “You will have a final project in your next school, necessary to graduate. It will be to do a presentation on a way to improve our government. It’s a very important project, and many Mandelbrots and Kochs end up going on to make the changes they proposed back in boarding school. You should start thinking about what you want to do now.” 

[thisonlyexistsbcimnostalgic]

Throne of Glass

Throne of Glass

The story seems to begin in Endovier, when an assassin is forced to bow before a prince. When she is given an option, to become the king’s killer or to waste the rest of her life in prison. It begins when she makes the decision that will free her, by shackling herself into a new set of chains.

Perhaps the story began one year earlier, when that same assassin left to avenge her  paramour’s death. His body left outside her house, as a sign of contempt, of fearlessness. She walked right into a trap, but she would have walked into it a million times over, for one of the few things she doesn’t regret is diving through a window to save him. She would have died for him, but being enslaved in a salt mine is worse than death.

Maybe it began when the assassin was a young princess, on the shore of a river with mud covering her body. She was trembling, afraid of what lurked behind her in the dark, until the assassin king came. Ironically, he was the one who saved her. He taught her what she needed to know so that she could defeat the darkness hiding in every shadow.

It could have begun that morning, when the princess found both of her parents dead. She woke up in a pool of her parent’s blood. She remembers the window was open, sending an ominous chill through the room.

Or it began with the princess’s great-grandmother breaking a promise the world depended on. Her foolishness, though she meant well, could have cost them the world. Her bravery and cowardice combined meant the world would live to see another day, but her great-granddaughter would pay the price.

It’s possible that the story began with a dark queen forging a gate between two worlds. Her cunning and her lust for knowledge made her a nearly impossible foe to beat, but her lies made it inevitable.

The story began with the creation of the universe.