thoolibul-ilm

[thoolibul-ilm]

the big why

i used to wonder why i survived every bad thing that happened to me, why despite abuse, repeated assaults and suicide attempts i am still alive. my prayers to die greatly outnumbered those of having reasons to live.

my whole life i prayed for someone to come save me, for someone with similar circumstances but more experience to step into the picture and guide me. i yearned to have a mentor, someone i could look up to and turn to for advice. deep down, i knew that i would have to save me but dreaded accepting that out of sheer exhaustion. i grew tired of being the one for me, the person who anchors me back to reality. this self-sufficient endless loop of giving back to myself what was taken.

to finally reach the point of accepting that i grew up to be my own hero at 24 turning 25 isn't something i thought i'd do. at this current age, i am finally equipped to start unpacking past hurts that previous versions me couldn't. i now wield the sword that all those little girls were stabbed to death with. i fashioned the pain i went through into a weapon i would use to carve out my future. i am no longer that child who was silenced, my body has started screaming the misdeeds of my perpetrators from the rooftops so i follow suit.

this current life was never something i imagined for myself. there's definitely grief at all the what ifs, these better versions of me that could've been. however, things could have also gone a lot worse.

i was given so many complexities, identities that intersect because god knew i would make something of myself despite what other people say. my pain will not remain stagnant, it will be used to propel me forward. i will learn to make art not only because of my pain but also regardless. my perspectives will be used as lesson templates for those who come after, my candid honesty has a place in this world and so do i

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Warsan Shire, from “Backwards”, Bless the Daughter Raised by a Voice in Her Head

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Credits belong to owner x

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I love you PBS I love you NPR I love you public libraries I love you wikipedia I love you project gutenberg I love you librivox I love you libby I love you hoopla I love you openlibrary I love you internet archive I love you resources that make information free and accessible to the public

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Sometimes people use “respect” to mean “treating someone like a person” and sometimes they use “respect” to mean “treating someone like an authority”

and sometimes people who are used to being treated like an authority say “if you won’t respect me I won’t respect you” and they mean “if you won’t treat me like an authority I won’t treat you like a person”

and they think they’re being fair but they aren’t, and it’s not okay.

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who else mourning the person they could've been if they were treated kindly as a child

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trying to get disability benefits is less like applying for aid and more like being put on trial for a crime you didn't commit

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Alhambra Castle | Granada, Spain.

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"يا ربّ يا جامع؛ اجمعني وحاجتي بلطفٍ في خير وعفوٍ وعافية "

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“If you interpret Allah as a punishing God, and live in fear, that’s your business, but my Allah is ar-Rahman ar-Rahim, and is a loving and forgiving God, who made me the way I am. Don’t project your fear on my reality of life.”

— a friend just said this and I felt it deep in my heart.

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may the rest of this year be softer

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you deserve rest.

you deserve relaxation.

you deserve time to recuperate.

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The worst part of human adulthood is being your own zookeeper

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I think one of the most profound forms of love is "I'll try that, for you. I may not like it, but I'll try it."

It's a confused middle-aged man in a pottery class, whose daughter is helping him with his clay's plasticity. It's a kid scrunching up their brow while listening to their mom's favorite music, trying to figure out why she likes it. It's a girlfriend who says "Yes, I'll go with you" and her girlfriend cheering and buying a second ticket for a con. It's a friend half dragging another friend through an aquarium, the one being dragged laughing and calling out "Wait, wait, I know we're here for the exhibit, but I haven't been here! Slow down!"

It's being willing to spend some of your time trying something new because it makes someone you love happy.

[thoolibul-ilm]