thoughtparades

[thoughtparades]

Two days until graduation from vet school. A day I’ve been dreaming of since I was in high school. A day I never thought I’d experience without my parents.

My life has changed so drastically in the last two years. In a lot of ways they have been changes for the better; I have learned how to prioritize my happiness, to care less what other people think of my choices and who I am, how to set boundaries and stick to them, how to recognize toxic patterns in my family, etc.

However some things have changed and become harder… or at least as hard as they were previously. My mom continues to give me whiplash in our conversations, seemingly bouncing from making spiteful and hurtful comments (even though she refuses to acknowledge that her words are hurtful sometimes because she considers them “facts”) to saying how happy she is for me and how all she wants is for me to be happy and loved.

I find myself trying to be empathetic and see from her perspective to keep the peace (aka me swallowing my feelings and dealing with her comments most of the time). However in all honesty, I don’t really have empathy for her perspective. Two years later and she STILL can’t admit that I didn’t just lie about my relationship and push her away for no reason- she created the conditions that made me do that because I did not feel SAFE being honest about my feelings for a woman. Somehow it’s still my fault because I lied and hid the relationship from her. She says she loves me and just wants me to be happy, but I’ve heard that before. It never lasts and I don’t trust it. Our relationship is permanently fractured no matter how hard we work to pick up the pieces, and I will never feel safe enough to let my guard down or trust her again. No matter how badly I want to and how deeply she appeals to my broken heart.

I’ve grown a lot over the last two years, but despite that, this pain is still an ever-present dull ache sitting deep in my chest. I do my best to move forward and focus on the good in my life, but it’s hard when there are always subtle (or not so subtle) reminders that no matter what I do, I will always be a failure in her eyes, and I will never be the daughter she wanted, expected, and hoped I’d be. Even when she says otherwise, because eventually she can’t help but make the snide comments that let me know she is still holding on to those feelings.

So here I am, two days before graduating with my DVM, and I am silently crying on the couch with the love of my life asleep in my bed, grieving the loss of the strong bond and relationship I always thought I’d have with my parents. Knowing that they won’t be here for one of the biggest milestones of my life (and the ones to come) and still somehow feeling small and full of shame for who I am.

[thoughtparades]

“Was it as Ada had suggested, that we can choose our own endings, joy over sorrow? Or does the cruel world just give and take, give and take, while we flounder through the wilderness?”

- The Snow Child, page 155

[thoughtparades]

2024

2023 was a year of immense growth for me. It was the year I decided to live life for me instead of for my family. This year, I began the process of breaking the generational trauma passed down through the women of my mother’s bloodline. I set boundaries with my parents, stood my ground for a relationship that is healing me daily, and invested in doing things that make me genuinely happy. I learned how to be more flexible, more open-minded, more genuine in my connection with friends/family/loved ones. I acknowledged deep, traumatized parts of myself that I previously chose to ignore or push down (all of these are still a work in progress if I’m honest, but we’re getting there). I am trying to learn how to trust, even though I was taught from birth to trust no one. It has been the hardest year of my life. I ventured into emotional territories I never imagined I’d confront, and enacted changes in my daily life to honor what I found in those territories. 2023 was the year of unraveling, undoing, unlearning; it was the year of breaking down structures and pillars in my life that I thought were unshakeable. It was the year of putting in the emotional labor to lay the foundation for new pillars. Ones that I craft, not ones passed down to me from prior generations. If 2023 was the year of shattering, 2024 is the year of rebuilding.

My hopes for 2024 are simple- I want to live the next year continuing to discover who I am without my family’s influence or the heaviness of the past. I want to have even more genuine conversations, saying how I feel and what I want or need confidently with the people I love. And on that same note, I want to love deeper than I previously thought possible.

I want 2024 to be the year of growth. More water, more good wine. More whole foods and diversity in cooking. More exploration of mocktails. More books, less screen time. More movement for the joy of moving my body instead of the desire to shrink myself. More permission to have fun and experience freedom. 2024 is the year of becoming a doctor, starting my career, moving in with my partner who I love with every ounce of my being, leaving Florida. This is a year of change and new beginnings, and I’m so excited to continue evolving.

🌱

[thoughtparades]

Trust

It’s unbearably lonely not being able to trust anyone. Being so damaged from crossed boundaries as a teen and young adult by my parents, having texts deleted and hidden from me by my partners, having things told to friends and family members in confidentiality be discussed without my consent.

Every aspect of my life is tainted by experiences of trusting people who didn’t deserve it, giving the benefit of the doubt, and then realizing I was a naive fool the entire time.

So now, entering into a serious relationship that is the healthiest I’ve ever been in, it is so hard for me to let go and trust again. I keep expecting to get hurt, to find out something that will validate my fears of giving myself over completely. A reason to keep one toe perched on the doorstep ready to run the moment I get confirmation that I shouldn’t have trusted anyone all along.

I’m sitting here crying, thinking “What a lonely existence I’ve crafted for myself, so afraid to let people in. So unwilling to believe someone could love you enough not to betray you.”

[thoughtparades]

Sometimes it scares me how much I love you, but today, I think instead I am going to be in awe of this feeling. I’ve never loved a partner like this. This unrelenting desire to be together is foreign to me. I’ve always leaned in to my alone time and rarely found myself itching for the next moment I could be in someone’s company.

But all the cliches and Hallmark movies and cheesy tropes make sense now that I have someone who makes me want to do those things. In some ways, I feel unrecognizable. I don’t know that I’ve ever been so happy.

I’m going to miss her so painfully much these next 6 weeks, but I know we’ll pick up right where we left off.

[thoughtparades]

It’s hard to feel hopeful when your mind is an endless cavern echoing back the word alone.

[thoughtparades]

75% of the time, I’m sad.

20% of the time, I’m distracted enough to feel nothing at all.

5% of the time, I actually feel okay. Maybe even almost happy.

My brain is so heavy and foggy all of the time. My chest is so tight. My breathing is so shallow that I have to consciously remind myself to take deep breaths. I’m on the verge of tears for the better part of each day.

I miss my stability. Sometimes I miss the comfort and ease of the fucked up toxicity I knew. It was so much easier than this constant emotional work. This constant communication. This constant battle to understand my emotions, my thoughts, my actions. My fucking anxiety that never takes a break, never lets up, never lets me leave it waiting outside of the door when I get home each night. I’m so tired. I break my own heart by staring at myself in the mirror and repeating the only phrase that comes to mind - I hate myself. I feel like a burden, like I can’t do anything right no matter how hard I try, like I’ll never be good enough or worthy or capable of unconditional love. I see the Ugly parts of her she’s left in me. I see the Ugly parts of me I’ve created. I’m so tired of fighting. I just want a break from feeling.

[thoughtparades]

My feelings for her are so strong. We were forced to emotionally U-Haul it (a term we coined following everything happening with my family), and with that has come a level of codependency with which I’m unfamiliar. Truthfully, one with which I’m slightly uncomfortable. My brain and my hormones are wrecking me. They keep telling me that this isn’t going to last. I have this sinking feeling that because she is polyamorous, my love is not going to be enough. I would never want or expect her to change herself to fit my needs or wants. Which means that I will be hanging on this precipice, waiting for the final thread to snap. Waiting for the free fall. Waiting for her to tell me she needs more than I can provide.

This is preventing me from giving in completely. I’m so scared to fully let myself fall in love with her because deep down I’m already imagining how it’s going to end. My fear may very well push this into self-fulfilling prophecy territory. I don’t know how to get out of my head and accept the present status and beauty of our relationship. I’m living in the future, and in it, I’m alone.

[thoughtparades]

I’m running over sentences at times

I’d better quit dreaming just so I could write

Yet the words to describe you aren’t so hard to find

Like a good quote from a book that I’ve memorized.

[thoughtparades]

Uh oh.

I think I really like her.

[thoughtparades]

“It isn’t fair to be the kind of creature who is able to love but unable to stay.”

- Migrations, pg. 119

[thoughtparades]

I get waves of feeling my emotions in an unbearably deep way, and when this happens, I feel them ALL simultaneously. Right now I am feeling

Drained. Proud. Jealous. Connected. Disconnected. Ache. Longing. Shame. Helplessness. Overwhelmed. Content.

I don’t know what to do with all of this or where to put it. All I can think about is escaping, even in moments when I should be happy.

[thoughtparades]

For some reason, I miss her today. Maybe it’s because “September” by Earth, Wind, and Fire is one of her favorite songs, and it’s the 21st. Maybe it’s the stupid dream I had last night of us- her sitting on the couch, me sitting on the floor next to her legs, leaning my head into her hand. Realistically I think I’m mostly just craving connection within the queer community, but I can’t deny I also miss the one she and I shared. I know I don’t want to be in a relationship right now, but I miss the ease of our conversations and the comfort I felt with her.

[thoughtparades]

My greatest act of rebellion is looking in the mirror every day and being proud of the person I am. Looking at my reflection and feeling love, warmth, compassion and respect for the woman looking back at me— without shame.

[thoughtparades]

“There’s something wrong with a child who sympathizes more with other beings than he does with men.”

Cloud Cuckoo Land, pg. 322

[thoughtparades]

Round 2, same conversation. It’s crazy how much and yet how little has changed in 2 years. This time around I held my ground a little more. Wavered less when questioned if this was just a phase or real. Didn’t compromise when the suicide threats started again.

Why don’t I feel any better? I thought you were supposed to feel good about sticking up for yourself. For defending your values, for staying true to yourself. I just feel like a disappointment. I’ve spent my entire life trying to be the perfect daughter, but my mom says she failed because I like girls AND guys. She says she doesn’t recognize me anymore, that I’m a stranger she’s uncomfortable to be around.

I feel crazy. I feel closer to myself than I ever have before, but this authentic version of myself is not the child she knew. And she guilts me for it. She makes me WANT to ask for forgiveness as if I’ve done something wrong. Even when I know I haven’t. Her words cut deep. Maybe I am spoiled, maybe I am selfish, maybe I am broken. Maybe I’m bad. Maybe I’m wrong. I’m sorry, mom. I’m so sorry that I couldn’t check all your boxes. I’m sorry I’m one more disappointment in your life. I’m sorry that our relationship has become forever fractured because I don’t want to sacrifice parts of myself… like you did for your mom. I’m sorry you never got the love of a good mother, and that it has causes you so much pain. I’m sorry you could never see how much I love you, even when you cause me pain. I’m sorry you can’t see that you cause me pain.

[thoughtparades]

I’m feeling a bit hollow these days. There haven’t been any spectacular changes in my life aside from starting my clinical rotations. I have more time to myself now, which I think might be part of the problem. When I was studying 24/7, I didn’t really have time to think or feel my emotions as deeply. With an abundance of time on my hands right now, I’m less able to bury my feelings in my work.

I feel very alone if I’m being honest. I often feel like my friendships with my classmates are superficial at best. My other friends here outside of school are mostly all in relationships. I keep feeling this sense of emptiness and dissatisfaction, and it comes in waves of longing pangs. I’m painfully desperate for deep connection, for something more fulfilling. Something easy and beyond all the surface bs. Not even in a romantic sense, but just a person who gets it without me having to carry the conversation, make the plans, fake interest, make small talk. I’m too tired to do that anymore.