thoughts-and-all-that

[thoughts-and-all-that]

i still hold onto the fact that i genuinely believe our world would be better off without religion. it wouldnt fix every issue but it would fix a number of things.

that said, i know i both cant and wont try to take religion from people. i mean, ive tried in the past when i was a naive and overpassionate teenager, but that was years ago. all i can do is let people come to conclusions on their own, or nudge them if i get the chance.

i dont see people as stupid for being religious (most of the time), its more like... either someone was raised with it, so its all they know, or they got into it while vulnerable, so it was a hand reaching to help them stand back up. i cant blame people for either, i can only accept that thats how things go.

and yeah, people want something to believe in, to comfort them, blah blah... i just think it would be better if it was something concrete and proven to be real, and that it couldnt be as easily warped to be used as a weapon since something real can usually speak for itself rather than supposedly speaking through others. especially others who only gain things from lying.

i know its a controversial take to say our world shouldnt have religion, which is why i dont say it on main. people would too easily misconstrue my words anyway, and people love doing that even when im not saying controversial things.

[thoughts-and-all-that]

sometimes i remember someone i used to know who acted like they were oppressed for being christian cause their parents were atheists. and were supposedly in an extremist atheist organization or something. what the fuck is even an extremist atheist organization

i mean i hope theyre doing well but like. dude.

[thoughts-and-all-that]

but seriously i finally got the shit out of me i think. hopefully all of it but if not at least most of it. and because this is a private and unseen blog i can talk about it. anyway

i kept taking like. stool softener laxative pills to try and help and in multiple ways that only made things worse. to the point that shit was leaking out of my ass almost uncontrollably (but luckily didnt get on my clothes at all). the amount of toilet paper i needed for that was... embarassing.

and for the last few days i have not been able to pass anything more than what was practically liquid but there was definitely more in there that felt like it was blocking me so hard i could barely focus. i dont know how i managed to go to class and do a test but hopefully what i wrote was coherent, and good for my own sake that nothing happened during class

and i came home and took another pill and like for the last few hours i almost couldnt focus on anything at all like i was just plagued with needing to shit but knowing i couldnt

until like an hour ago when i was like. fuck it i might as well try again. and let me tell you there was a several hour long window where i was almost scared i would never even shit normally again. like when i tell you that even trying felt like i was being stabbed in the asshole and it felt, i cannot come up with a better word, weird, i mean i was just utterly suffering trying to do a basic human function. i felt like i was in hell. it was not the worst pain ive ever been in but it was truly trying to battle for the spot.

anyway by a miracle that i assume was just the pills finally doing what i hoped, i finally got that out of me. cannot express the relief i felt. i did not want to have to go to the hospital and be like 'i cannot shit. please help me' like ive been a very embarassing man in my life but i do not want to tell a stranger that i cannot shit. even if its their job to know and help. what if it was a pretty lady or man. what if a pretty person needed to look at my butthole.

i even had to tell my dad a few hours ago and i had to try several fucking times because this man is. oh my gosh. he knew i was on my period because i have a few telltale signs because i dont get periods often (pcos gang) and when i do i very openly suffer because seriously how are periods a natural thing. mostly i just say 'please dont make me move more than i have to' which luckily got me out of picking up sticks from the yard. and ANYWAY before class i was like 'i think something is wrong with my body right now' to him and he was like. 'ok' and just. walked away. BITCH?

and then i tried again after class but we were in public (i just said 'i think something is wrong but i wont say it here') and that time he responded with 'youre on your period, i know' and i was like ?? its not that bro i would not be saying 'somethings wrong' if it was that 😭

it was only later after that that i finally went to his room and was like. can we Please just talk. and anyway he finally listened and was like 'we cant really go anywhere right now' (arent emergency rooms 24/7?) 'but if its still happening in the morning we can go' and let me tell you that was infuriating to hear at the time because. again. i was fucking suffering

but its hopefully over now. heavy emphasis on hopefully. i still dont feel the best but honestly when do i ever. at the very least my body isnt trying to pull a youtuber right now. no offense to him hes cool

i seriously thought i was gonna have to cancel class over that 😭 human bodies are so fucking stupid

[thoughts-and-all-that]

oh Holy Shit. literally

[thoughts-and-all-that]

im constipated as fuck and its like level 8-9 pain when im actively trying to shit and i dont know what the hell happened to even cause this. im managing to get a good amount out but definitely not enough and im almost wondering if i might have to go to the hospital over this. ive even taken a few laxatives and they did something but not the way that i hoped cause now its like. ok i still have to shit but it still wont come out. i have never wanted to have diarrhea as much as i wish i could right now just so it would come out of my fucking body. this cannot keep going cause its already been over a day and i have somewhere i need to be later and i cant do it if my body feels like this. i do not want to have to tell my ride that i have to go to the hospital because i cant shit. this is so fucking stupid

[thoughts-and-all-that]

its so easy for any negative emotion to transform into self hatred... but they dont tell you that. for grief or anger or fear or jealousy or the desperate need to be loved

its so easy to turn it on myself

like. why cant i just be good socially? it comes so naturally to everyone else and i thought maybe it came naturally to me once upon a time

but i was a different person back then

i know i should be kind to myself but im so frustrated. im terrified everytime anyone pays me any attention. im never sure whats going on in literally any situation. people somehow know who i am and thats terrifying

i want nothing more than to be part of the world again, to be human. but its not that fucking easy. i spent almost a decade being... half a person. i wish i never did what i did. i know why i did it but i wish i never did.

i just know that everyone who interacts with me can just tell that something is wrong with me

sometimes im scared theyll think i hate them. that maybe im even a bigot. but i cant say that part without sounding stupid. im so focused all the damn time about being the most progressive me i can be that ive anxiety'd myself into being terrified that i come off like a prejudiced prick. that i act like i am one if i have an intrusive thought that i despise

the truth is i was never good socially. i know id go over to friends houses and i was probably so weird. at least we had stuff to talk about back then. it was always about fandom stuff, that stuff is so easy to talk about. at least, it was back then. i cant even talk about that stuff anymore without being scared im misinterpreting the characters or story so badly that ill just embarass myself

and i used to love roleplaying until that. and until roleplaying became scarily similar to some trauma bullshit.

and yknow, i kinda think i might be autistic? and thats not a bad thing. it would explain a lot actually

but i just get this feeling about the idea that im kinda fucked

that i really cant learn my way out of my social atrociousness because its inherent to who i am

i know autistic people who are so good socially. but im not them. its a spectrum, after all.

i dont understand how people do anything. how theyre so confident. how they just take up space without even thinking about it

i feel like everyone hates me just cause i cant say a sentence without sounding scared

i dont even know how to talk to my friends anymore. we barely talk at this point

i know this is apparently just how it is when youre all adults but like. fuck. we dont all have an hour of time to just. hang out? play gartic phone maybe?

in some ways ive never felt as lonely as i do right now. its like... i always find new ways to feel the loneliest ive ever felt

whether it be being suicidal, or being terrified for my friends lives and being powerless to do anything. to me fucking up the best relationship i ever had because i got paranoid. to the moment i left a friend group and a part of me faded away like vapor. to talking to people who openly hurt themself over and over and over and i couldnt just get them to stop no matter how much i tried. to me trying desperately to escape this crushing, suffocating isolation, only to be forced back into it by a global fucking pandemic. to someone punishing me and worsening my trauma because i was rude when i shouldnt have been. to when i was trying so hard to be part of a group i enjoyed and was having so much fun with, but i couldnt keep up when i was trying so hard. to being part of another group and i fucking hated them for being these negative hypocrites with some of the most broke ass opinions ive ever seen. to sitting in the hospital room with my dying mother in a coma and coming out to her as trans and hoping so fucking badly that she could hear me, that she would die at least knowing i was her son, and ill never fucking know if she knew. to making friends with someone who was so vile, but they were there, they were always there, until i couldnt stand their vileness anymore and they tried to bring me down for it, and i had to send them so much texts telling them how much i hated them because if i didnt i was going to go insane. the fact that they ruined my 20th birthday, and the thanksgiving before that. to me riding on a trainride alone for 11 hours and was so damn scared that something bad would happen on the other side and id never return home, and i almost got lost in chicago. i remember looking at my friends through the glass of the bus and wanting to just leave the bus and go to them, i was so fucking homesick and they were something familiar. to me wanting to make a dessert my mom always made but my grandma stole that moment from me. to sitting in the car with my dad as he tells me i need to rush school as much as possible so that i can move on with my life and imply it would be easier for him if i did. to making a discord server in the desperate hope to make friends into the same thing im into, and every day i consider just deleting it.

to right now, as i watched a show that brought back the feelings of when my mother was dying and i felt angry all over again about the horrible receptionist who made me feel like shit when i was terrified of losing my mom. i remember my family just told me to deal with it, i just needed to see my mom. i wish i couldve told that lady to go fuck herself.

i just want friends. i just want to be human. i just want to feel like theres no wall between me and the world anymore.

im so sick of being lonely. im so sick of being alone. im so sick of not being able to break out of this prison of my own design. i fucking created it when i was 13 fucking years old, im about to turn 22, how am i stuck in the same fucking prison i created when i was a child.

i just wonder if ill ever find my way out. if ill ever feel connected to anyone ever again. if ill ever get what i dreamed of. its not an impossible dream, yknow. i just want a partner, and a home, and maybe a pet or two. i want someone to be there. i feel like im searching for a needle in a haystack, just trying to find someone whos... right, for me. like im searching for the chosen one or some shit

im not easy to love. for myself, or for other people. i try so hard, yknow? but whether im myself or not, i just dont do it right. theyre full of shit when they tell you to be yourself. they only mean be yourself when its in a way that fits what they want. they dont like us annoying kids who didnt know when to shut up until it was too late. so i shut up instead and it still didnt work.

i dont even know how to talk about the stuff i like anymore.

i dont know how to talk anymore.

they dont warn you about how hollow loneliness makes you. it makes you feel like an auditorium thats been left to rot. what youd give, just for one more assembly.

loneliness makes you blame yourself, because a pattern has a maker, and eventually you have to realize its you.

i didnt ask to be this way. i didnt ask for this life. i didnt ask for any of this. did i do something to deserve it? was being an annoying fat girl a crime to the universe? its sure a crime to everyone else.

i just want love. why is that so hard? isnt it supposed to be easy? everyone else has it. why cant i?

[thoughts-and-all-that]

i just saw a post of people burning the lsr34l flag, and i know that hating on that place isnt hating on j3ws, but then i think about the star of david being on the flag, and how it was also burning. i know most people, when they think of all of this, only mean the country in their hatred, which i also have certain issues with, but i know there are people going further and extending it to all j3ws, just because of the association

people were already going too far with this stuff, but i really think its only getting worse

im not usually a 'dont do that because it makes all of us look bad' person when it comes to minority issues, but i really wish this whole thing would end already.

people may think that all my care about one side means im on that side, but im really not. i dont care about land, or borders, or religious rights to anything, all of that stuff is stupid

i care about the citizens who didnt ask for any of this, from both sides. but everyone else already cares about the citizens from one side, and i want them to be okay too, but i feel like someone has to worry about the others, too.

i dont have anything to do with any of it, but that post i saw made me feel unsafe. because i know the associations people make between that place and my people, and a major symbol of ours was in that image, on fire.

its not funny, its not cute, its not going to do anything to affect the damn thing going on, it was just horrible. i dont know why tumblr insists on showing me posts like this when i dont interact with them and all i do is block the people involved. the worst part is when they go untagged or dont mention any of the words i have blacklisted, so im forced to see it. not to mention the op of this one was deactivated, so i couldnt even block them or see if they used tags i could block

[thoughts-and-all-that]

literally had to quietly turn off asks on my main because in the last line 2 weeks ive gotten probably 50 asks about that whole situation asking for money. how about no.

i 1. dont have money 2. live in fucking missouri usa 3. dont have any influence nor reach online and 4. refuse to post about that topic on my main blog EVER. because i like my main staying as light hearted as possible.

i am the last person these people should be sending asks to about this.

hell, there was even one that started with 'youre our last hope!!!' no the fuck im not. you probably sent that ask to 100 people. i am no ones last hope.

also apparently im r@cist for thinking that at least a few of these are scams. because there totally couldnt be people taking advantage of this situation to be greedy and awful and scam people. it wouldnt be the first time, nor the last.

it was also just annoying. i never get people talking to me online anymore so when i get asks its usually so exciting... but now it was just dreadful. 'whos gonna try and guilt trip me today?'

seriously, most of them started guilt trippy. at least some of them started polite though.

i know its a huge tragedy and w@r and all that but i dont know why i need to have any part of it. there is nothing i can do about it, and all it would do is make me upset, especially because theres nothing i can do.

and people can tell me all they want 'but there IS something you can do!!' but like... if people are getting killed, i doubt me signing a petition is gonna make them go 'oh, i guess i was wrong to kill people, sorry' like...

and like i said, i dont have reach or influence online. plus, thousands if not millions of people are already posting about this topic CONSTANTLY and saying everything better than i could, and having more reach than i ever will. i think me not posting about it will be fine.

[thoughts-and-all-that]

i know its a perfectly valid interpretation for a stories 'fear of invasion' metaphor or story or idk the word i forgot. to be like 'oh thats a metaphor for colonization' and stuff, like yeah thats a fair takeway

but like. theres other reasons for people to fear invasion. parasites is a universal human fear, for good reason, or also just people invading your literal house and killing you, which i know can just be called like, a small scale version of colonization or some shit but still idk. like if i ever wrote a story with the the whole 'fear of invasion' metaphor, i know it would definitely be about other things, not colonization in my case. parasites, or even my trauma which has a similar thing in it that im not gonna say. idk lol

[thoughts-and-all-that]

as awful as i know it is, a lot of the time internally ill be like 'kys' about people i dont like, and theres a lot of people, but at the very least i dont actually say that out loud. like theres a lot of people on tumblr that talk about my trigger a lot because for some fucking reason its a common topic BUT IT SHOULDNT BE. and i go. wow pls die. but i dont actually send them an ask or reblog their stuff with that. i just think it at them very aggressively. anyway i just wanted to confess that because i dont really like that i do that, but it feels better than being like. wow that hurt me, i should move on. like, yeah it did hurt me, and i should move on, but also it feels good to internally say FUCK YOU when i feel hurt

[thoughts-and-all-that]

hate when those blogs entirely dedicated to asking for help decide to send an ask to my blog asking me for help even though i clearly dont do those kinds of posts on my blog. like, go ask the thousands of other blogs that do that, not me. youre wasting both our time doing that. like i hope things go well for you, but im just not that guy. i dont have money to donate and i dont have the online reach to spread messages around in any meaningful way, and i honestly try to keep my main blog lighthearted. also, there is no way to verify a lot of claims made, and a lot of them could be scams or people being dishonest, and just. its just not for me dude

[thoughts-and-all-that]

how the fuck do you block someone without blocking someone... someone who makes me deeply DEEPLY uncomfortable either follows my main (i checked after posting this, they do follow my main) or at least checks in on it enough that they liked one of my posts, but the thing is... we are in a very small fandom together, and ive talked to them on discord before, and i am trying so hard to be liked by this fandom despite how much it kinda grates on my nerves, and i really dont want them being like. hey why do you have me blocked. and like. starting drama about it

i guess i doubt theyd start drama but i really dont know them well and i. constantly feel like im walking on egg shells with these people cause theyre the types that are like. more sensitive than me. which sure thats not like inherently bad or negative but it gets. irritating when it feels like i have no idea what i can and cant say that might upset them or get me in trouble. like i cant even joke about cults and cannibalism with these people. like come on, its funny to make these shitty things out to be a joke, it makes it feel like they suck less. i mean, im not making light of them, when it comes to real situations of them im obviously not gonna treat it like a joke, but when it comes to the vague idea of them? yeah its funny. theyre just absurd concepts. i mean, come on man.

like, okay fine, its fine that they dont want to joke about it, but you cant even MENTION that stuff around these people. i mean i guess like. i guess its one of these peoples triggers but. what the hell situation do you find yourself in where cannibalism is brought up and becomes a trigger. like obviously i cant ask them that but like. WHAT. like did your mother eat your brother or some shit like... what the hell situation gives you cannibalism as a trigger. the cult one is fully understandable cause cults are common but you dont hear or see real life cannibalism every day. like does this person just have a horrible backstory or something.

i got very off track. i mean i guess it doesnt matter this is literally just a vent blog

its not like i hate any of these people. i may dislike one or two of them, thats just bound to happen with any group of people, but not hate. but as much as i dont want to say it, theyre not exactly my vibe. i mean... i always stuck out like a sore thumb in this fandom, even back in the day, hell, ESPECIALLY back in the day. i stumbled upon a fandom made by and for homeschooled christian kids and that sure was exactly how it sounds! and i... very much was not that. i was a public school atheist kid and i just simply found the content funny and the characters fascinating. i fell HARD for the characters, they... in more ways than one, lived rent free in my head.

a lot happened, i wanted nothing to do with it after, and then eventually i wanted something to do with it again. but ive been cautious this time. maybe a little too much i dont know. i just cant let it happen again. i know it cant happen again logically, and yet the creeping tendrils it left parasitically suckling on my skin creeps ever upward, threatening my very core.

i swear fandoms have changed drastically since 2016. i dont know what it was. i couldnt tell you if you paid me. they didnt used to be like this, filled with the one thing that makes me question my determination to go on. the one thing i cant even talk to anyone about because it makes me feel like im going to die, and other people treat me like ill die for it.

and its everywhere. its all over and i cant escape it and i try so desperately to.

and you know that its in this fandom. it was the first fandom i saw it in, actually. its the reason i feel this way at all. they haunt me. my every action is tinted with this haunting, it changed me for the worse.

i cant get close to any of them because almost all of them say it. and the ones who dont... definitely arent my vibe. the ones who dont arent even the ones i dislike, surprisingly. i used to hate one of them, hell, i used to hate one of the other people too. but things change. people change.

i guess i cant, since its been 7 years and this shit still haunts me so bad.

the reason that person makes me so uncomfortable is that thing. the one and i think only call i did in that server (i probably did one other) was with them and someone else, because i was like. why not! it was soon after i joined and i wanted to befriend the current era of this fandom. huge mistake. confronted with them doing the one thing that curses me. i left silently because they were all ignoring me anyway. what an experience.

ive had so many feelings since i joined that server, thats for sure. my relationship with this fandom could fill a novel. i hope it never does. it wouldnt get published anyway.

i just love these characters. i used to love one of the other people in the fandom. thats its own story. i cant even keep a conversation with them nowadays. how can i? the thing we had in common is gone. i cant tell them the truth. i REALLY cant tell them the truth. they would hate me. i cant handle them hating me. we arent codependently attached anymore but that doesnt mean i dont still care way too much about them. they were the best relationship i ever had, and we didnt even date.

i dont know what i would do if they hated me.

i just really love these dumbass characters. i dont know what it is. their own creators treated these characters a bit like crap. but these characters are so real to me. but not in THAT way.

and sadly ive tried to stop caring, but it didnt work. i mean... i did also want to reclaim them. that situation doesnt deserve to hold them hostage. i guess i could use to have that mindset about a lot more about that situation, but its not that easy. its really, really not that easy.

and because i care so much about these fucking characters, i care about having a decent relationship with the fandom. theres only so many of us, and none of these people are bad, i just... dont fit in. i never really did. but i try to. i dont think my effort does much.

i worry that they think im too much. i treat darker and mature topics like casual jokes, i dont share so many of the same ideas as everyone else, i make a lot of things about me because i dont know how not to. i try to keep up conversations by relating, but i fear it comes off as me trying to pivot it to be about me.

i think some of the stuff they do is silly, not that id ever stop them

i miss the early days, before the other shoe dropped. when i actually did fit. when it was so easy. when me and my friends filled up discord chats with back-and-forth prompts and ideas and writing... how i always wanted any fandom to be for me. why did it ever have to change. why did they have to tell me the truth. i was only 14.

i actually did almost have it with another fandom, too. that didnt work out as well after a little while. it was nice while it lasted.

i cant do that with these people. i wish i could. i wish i didnt feel like oil trying to mix with water.

so, anyway. cant block this person. wish i could. i wont though.

this is just the surface of all of this, you know. like i said, it could be a whole novel.

i have to live with this.

[thoughts-and-all-that]

A Phantom Fart (2017)

[thoughts-and-all-that]

[thoughts-and-all-that]

at this point im gonna keep stuffing my hot takes here but im very confused by the b/lge thing lately. like in art

cause people do it cause theyre like 'its realistic! thats how people look down there and its not bad or s/xual for people to draw that!' and im like

what world are you all living in where people have huge b/lges down there sticking out like a bendy straw in a short mug

like im not shaming the art like i fully agree that its fine for people to draw and if theyre proud of it then hell yes but like. you cant tell me thats realistic lol

[thoughts-and-all-that]

people will make a big deal about anything bruh like

'oh yall are r/cist for not caring about this because hes a rapper' no bro i dont care cause its celebrity drama lmaooo

'but its not celebrity drama its blah blah blah' its celebrity drama. theyre two mega famous people and theres something happening between them where one or both are saying or doing bad things to/about the other.

idgaf who they are or what theyre doing, im not wasting my time caring about celebrity drama. i never cared about either of their music. not because theyre rappers, i like rap, but because i just dont care about their music specifically

[thoughts-and-all-that]

you gave me the best weekend of my life, you know.

my dad was going on a business trip in a state that was right next to yours, though i remember it still took you guys 5 hours to drive to the city, and 9 hours for me and my family. isnt it crazy how big this country is? we arent even on the larger half of it, either.

when i first saw you, i was scared. i was paranoid and young, and you were the first person from online i had ever met in person, despite my years of befriending people online. im glad it was you. it couldnt have ever been anyone else.

i was scared maybe i was lied to, that somehow it wasnt you, but i knew it was. i was a scared mentally ill kid and i was in the beginnings of something we both know got worse, and ill never stop being sorry for how i treated you when it did. you never deserved that, and it was never your fault. i shouldnt have done what i did, i shouldnt have.

i remember that first while was awkward, but itd be weird if it wasnt, right?

our first stop had to have been the bird sanctuary, i believe. so many birds of all kinds, and there was even bats! both of our favorite animals in one building, though i dont think the specific breeds we loved. that was okay. it was my first and only time seeing my favorite animal in person, it was amazing.

i remember there was a flying simulator in there, a both high budget and low budget game, if that makes sense. i mean, we had to lay on a t shaped person sized controller, which was wild! but the actual graphics of the cityscape we were meant to fly through were low quality. it was amazing. i remember you crashed, but i didnt. ive always dreamt of being able to fly.

and i remember that the penguin habitat had a dome in the middle that people could climb through a small tunnel into, and we were in there together, and looking at the penguins.

it mustve been that night that you came back to my hotel room, and we watched my favorite show on the couch, using my much too expensive laptop. i remember the deal we made that i didnt keep up my end of, where we watched eachothers favorite shows. im sorry i didnt like yours. i was glad you loved mine.

i dont remember if we saw eachother for most of the next day, i hope we did. the timeline blurs for me, but thats okay, because the timeline isnt what matters.

the boat ride matters. i know i wasnt originally meant to go on it with you guys, but i hope you think of it fondly like i do regardless.

i didnt like really any of the food they put in front of us, but thats not new for me. it only mattered in that single moment when it happened. when dinner was over and everyone was free to go about the boat, we mustve seen so much of it.

your mom and my mom were talking the whole time, trying to keep an eye on us, and taking pictures of us. i hope my mom enjoyed the boat ride, she didnt get to have many experiences like that the last few years of her life. i hate that that only happened 3 years before she died, and its been almost 6 years for me. time is a curse.

we kept trying to avoid them at the time, of course. we were teenagers on a trip away from our homes on a boat ride together down a river, we didnt want our moms watching us. we had to keep traveling about until they finally stopped watching, and it led us to sitting on the top deck, staring off of into the beautiful night lights of that mountain city.

i even remember that at some point the announcer pointed out an abandoned asylum against the river, and we thought it was one that was featured on our favorite ghost hunting show, though i now believe that it wasnt, as when i tried to find it later, i couldnt find that episode. i love the excitement we had, though.

we talked so much, in our special way. i remember i even asked you such a silly question, if people could walk on water when time is stopped. they definitely cant, but we made a whole thing of it.

we even kissed a few times.

at some point we traveled back to the main hall, and it was empty except for the guy in charge of the music. we cuddled together on a seat against the window, watching the city go by. i remember i had you ask if he had any songs from one of my favorite artists, though he only had her most popular song, which i guess makes sense.

i dont think my mom wouldve been upset if she had seen us, but i know your mom wouldve been. does she still not know youre queer? she doesnt need to know, anyway.

you had to go back home after that night, and thats okay. i missed you so much when you did, and all i did for the remainder of the trip was sit in my hotel room and play on my laptop.

maybe its simple looking back, maybe youve had better times since, but for me it was everything. it still is, but only because ive never had better.

i still think of you when i hear breakup songs and think of relationships, even though we never dated. never the angry ones, i promise.

i know youve moved on, and im glad you have. youve been with him for a while, and i hope that means he treats you well. you deserve to be treated well.

i havent moved on because ive been stuck in the past in so many ways for years. when you started talking to me again a few months ago, it drove me insane for the first few weeks, but ive gotten better since. ive been dealing with my past a lot lately, trying to heal.

not heal from you, of course. you never did really anything to hurt me, it was all me. there was only one thing you ever said, but it was my fault it even came up. i know you dont even feel that way anymore.

i feel bad for my future partners, i wonder if they can even top that, honestly. i hope they do, because it would be weird if i constantly compared them to a relationship i had when i was a teenager, but i just wonder. i also dont want to have peaked back then.

but really, regardless of all of that, im glad it happened. ive had good memories and ive had tons of bad, but you gave me my best. youre the person ive been closest to in my life, ever. we arent close anymore, and we never can be again the way we used to be, but thats okay. as long as youre happy, thats okay. i hope i can be happy too.

thank you. for everything.