thoughtserver

[thoughtserver]

Post appointment

I thought about this for way too long. About meeting you. Apparently, you're the person who is supposed to be the one who's able to help me.

The doctor had prescribed me anti psychotics and some anti depressants. The thing is with medication, once you stop taking them you relapse into withdrawals syndrome.

You know? Like ecstasy.

Once you take it, you'd go into depression. Post ecstasy syndrome.

It boosts you with this false serotonin high and once the natural serotonin is gone, you're left with feeling depraved of the love you've always wanted. That high is addictive, hence the name itself being vey well blissful and sweet.

Eventually when our body is strong enough, it then starts to build the serotonin needed to feed us.

So there's absolutely the same chemical structure in those pills.

Web.md will only talk about the short-term side effects, but all addicts are too familiar with withdrawals, the downers after the uppers. What goes up will eventually come down. It's gravity, it's polarity. It's natural.

I don't fear about the temptations of recreational drug use anymore. I don't find the thrills thrilling enough. I found it as a way to escape. But now I find escapism in music. There is a natural high when you flow into things.

Music is so important to remind us to flow into the joy, the sex is different when you have music turned on, tuned in and it can remind us of when we are lonely and sad. All of that natural human emotion and how beautifully bittersweet it all is.

It allows us to feel the moment you're experiencing.

And suddenly the pills are talking to me.

So maybe I do fear the medication. I fear that I might get force fed, by my own thoughts.

I didn't have to buy them.. But I did. Isn't it hilarious that I am betting the odds against myself? From consuming illegal drugs to legal drugs. What bullshit.

I surrender myself to judgement for all that I have gone through. Perhaps, I truly am a sadistic bitch.

I fear that my therapist is a cop in disguise, or a missionary wanting to convert me. Do I like it that someone is passionate about wanting to help me become better? Isn't it enough that I know that I do want to get better? Do I believe that this person is not money motivated? Am I really battling my addictions? Or am I just recovering trauma?

Fuck.

How am I going to get myself out of this one...

I had a sudden realization that to conform in this capitalist society is costly. Not that I've been living under a rock, but more like I wasn't connected to the Mason society reality.

If I had insurance, I'm not sure if they would cover my counselling sessions and these goddamned pills.

The more you want to conform, the more hurdles you encounter as you walk into the monstrosity that the collective unconscious has agreed to call life.

Tonight, I'm asking God why are my obstacles so huge. Does he really think I've the strength? Who the fuck thought that is a sadistic little bitch. I really am fucking myself.

I've been working hard to better myself for the past eight months. Been able to hold down a job during a pandemic too. I thought to myself, I was very lucky ever since I decided to clean up my act.

It's the best decision of my life.

But I had a panic attack at home and I got a really bad episode. I couldn't breathe and I was crying. I was scared shook out of my bones. I thought that someone was going to kill me in my own home. Is my home even mine?

What is a home if you don't feel safe in it?

I was delusional. And again I found myself battling to figure out what is false and what is real.

And that's when I decided to call you.