thoughtsformyex

[thoughtsformyex]

The only thing I have left to say to you

People say that soulmates are the people you are suppose to end up with and spend your life with, I disagree. I see them more as a person who was suppose to come into your life and be there possibly only for a time and not necessarily for a romantic purpose but their purpose was to have a significant impact on your life. For me you were always that person. I do not believe in coincidences, but I do believe in fate. I think I met you for a reason and i think there was purpose behind us never meeting before my 16th birthday. I believe this partly because we were in the same grade and went to the same school for years and never met. I knew as soon as i met you i liked you, i knew within the first week of knowing you i really liked you and you liked me too. But i knew within the first month i wanted more. I didnt want to be your highschool sweet heart or your college love. I wanted to be your last love, and if i couldnt be that i wanted to be your friend. Some may see that as a sad consolation prize but i dont. You have never understood how much you and our relationship means to me. Even after 14 years i still get butterflies everytime i see you and have to stop myself from smiling when you are around because merely being around you makes me happy. In my mind you have always been everything ive always wanted. A man who makes me smile and laugh until my stomach hurts. Someone who holds me and makes me feel safe. Someone who isnt afraid to tell me things i need to hear even if it hurts. The truth is i have been in love with you since i was 16 years old. I just didnt know then what love was, nor did I think I deserved someone like you. But i knew then i wasnt ready for you yet, i wanted to experience more and I knew you still had so much more to learn and experience too. I wanted you to live life and be happy even if that wasnt with me. For years I put you on this pedestal because i thought you were the epitome of what a good guy was, but over the last 2 years you’ve shown me a side of you I had never seen before and frankly didnt think existed.

When you messesaged me after our fight I was in the process of coming to terms with the idea that the friendship I cherished so much was gone, but because you reached out i was willing to give you the benefit of the doubt and a second chance because I wanted so badly to beleive you when you said you cared and wanted to repair our friendship. But I no longer trusted you so I gave myself a timeline. I told myself that if you didnt make an effort to repair our friendship within that timeframe i would cease any further communication with you. At first I gave you a month, then I changed it to 6 months,then a year. Then i said I'll wait until my birthday and it was then I knew that if you couldnt even take the time to wish me happy birthday our friendship was over, but I still couldnt let go.  Over the last 2 years I have taken ownership for my actions, continuously apologized for what I did and tried to be there for you as a friend. While you begrudgingly just keep saying sorry. To me actions speak louder than words and the true meaning of sorry is what you do and how you act when you say it. But the only actions ive seen in the last 10 years is you treating me like some chick you keep around in case i let you fuck me again. 

When i look back at our friendship and all things ive put up with and hurtful things youve done and said I'm just disappointed, disappointed in myself. I keep coming back to the same questions “ why do I care so much for someone who couldnt give two shits about me? why am i going out of my way for someone who couldn't even take the time to wish me happy birthday?  its two words Rob, two words. I honestly cant think of a single kind or unselfish thing you’ve done for me as a friend in the last 10 years that wasnt motivated by you trying to get laid. I never should have tolerated you treating me the way you did over and over again and i certainly shouldn't have given you another opportunity to make me feel like a worthless dick riceptical and I always made excuses to justify why you did it. But now I’ve run out of excuses and if theres one thing ive learned its if someone hurts you time and time again they will never change as long as you keep letting them. So its time for me to change myself and stop allowing you to hurt me. I cant keep hoping that you’ll stop or telling myself you dont know your doing it, because i dont think thats it. I just don’t think you care, or at least you dont care about me anymore, not sure now if you ever truly did.  I’m done trying to convince myself there's something left to fix, because if we're both honest our friendship was over the second you sent me that text. You broke my heart that day and I'll never forget how used and worthless you made me feel and since then i've never fully trusted you.

I know I may not always feel the way I do now, Ive never been able to stay angry, my relationship with you is evidence of that. And I meant all those things i said to you, I think you are intelligent, compassionate and caring and more than just an asshole you let everyone believe you to be. I am so proud of you for the things you’ve done and accomplished. When we started things I never needed any verbal reassurance about how you felt about me because when you let your guard down and it was just you and me, I knew how you felt just by how you would look at me and that was enough at the time. I know from experience you can make a girl feel like she is the most beautiful girl in the room and I love you for it and I probably always will. But its time I stop making excuses for you and accept we are different people now. I genuinely hope you find happiness and success and I wish you all the best, truly. But now it's time for me to focus on the people in my life who genuinely care about me and are there for me and leave behind the ones who don't give a shit. Goodbye