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thoughtsfromaveggie · 2 years ago

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1/29- 2/19 (new year!)

Alright. So the past month and a half has been full of changes and I don't think I have had a second to really sit down and process everything. So lets start from December 2022.

November and December were stressful. After going through multiple interviews with programs that I admired (for the most part) and getting rejected many times, I was starting to lose hope. The biggest piece of feedback that I received from these interviews was that I lacked the experience. I found a program that would give me the experience that I need, hopefully. So I applied, got a spot and so I began the next steps. Found some housemates, created a list of homes that I was interested in, created a budget, and so on. Only issue was that I had bought a flight home for a month and the program started shortly after I returned from my trip. Right before my trip I was going to a Peach Pit concert and right before that, I was heading to Yosemite for a week. I also had my last shift at the coffee shop the day before I left to Yosemite. Apparently that coffee shop is up in flames now. That's what the owners get though. They were the absolute worst. Fantastic coffee though, I'll give them that.

Yosemite was lovely. I have never been at a loss for words for an area. Though I love the outdoors, I'm never fully "impressed." I think it stems from understanding how these formations come to be. Maybe to an extent I'm desensitized to the beauty of it all. I digress. The sights were beautiful. I slipped on some ice and scratched my face up, I still have a small mark on my face from the accident. I'm hoping it doesn't scar but if it does, that's okay, it'll be a nice reminder. Right after I fell on my face, my partner and I were starting to run low on energy, I was slightly agitated from falling on my face and we couldn't find the end of the trail. So they took of their shoes, carried their stuff across the lake, came back, put me on their back and carried me across the lake. It was very sweet of them. The next day we summit the top of Yosemite falls, which is one of the tallest waterfalls in the United States. It was definitely a challenge but I am proud of us for getting to the top. The amount of people we saw going up just as the sun was beginning to set was concerning. I hope they're all okay. There was a large group of kids from SF potentially on a field trip that were struggling. Oh. this was on Thanksgiving. I almost forgot to mention. It was a great hike. I always loved how California mountains seem to be separated into three different terrains.

Anyways, once we got back to the Airbnb, we made ourselves a little thanksgiving dinner, mac and cheese, some veggies, fake ham. It came out pretty decent for the equipment we were using. The next day was pretty relaxed, and I cried as we left the park. Not only did I get to see the national park that really kicked off conservation of parks and land, but I was also saying goodbye to California. I am two weeks into my new home and not a day goes by that I don't think about california and how much I miss it.

Once we got back from the park, I packed my bags, I packed Ben up and headed to the Bay Area. I spent about a week there. Ben and I really like our time there. They always seem happy. And I got to be a stay at home partner. Everyday my "partner" went to school or work, and I would stay back waiting for them. Cleaning the space for us, cooking us lunch and dinner, then getting more housing stuff in order. It was really nice. I never thought I'd find that lifestyle appealing but it was endearing. I wouldn't mind being a stay at home partner for a little.

December 1st was Peach Pitt. They were fantastic. I thought I was going to cry for sure but I was in a newish setting at this concert. There have been maybe three concerts (including this one) where I was not in the crowd. We found this nice little spot towards the back that was slightly elevated. I have never felt such intense emotion when listening to a guitar solo than I did with Chris. They did this cool little thing where their guitars harmonized together while they were playing the song "Hotel California." Tash Sultana came close, I think company also had a small influence on how I felt at those concerts. I felt pretty empty after that concert. That hallow feeling lasted a couple days.

A few days pass by and it's time for me to head back home to pack and get ready for my flight back "home." I gave myself little time to pack and on the next day I embarked on a 8+ hour trip to the other coast.

My time back home was surprisingly quiet. I worked with my dad everyday at their new business. It was nice getting to work with him. Every morning him and I would go to a new cafe and try out their coffee. I would tell him about what I tasted, if it was good, and how they could improve. He threw the idea of helping me start my own coffee shop at me and was beginning to find spots for it. I cannot fathom how quickly he was ready to open one up with me and help me. I think that would be so fun. I think it would be Latin themed. There was this one coffee shop in Portland that really caught my attention. I'm blanking on the name currently, but it's owned by a Mexican human and their espresso drinks are inspired by traditional drinks and flavors found in Mexican dishes. It was lovely. I would love to do something similar with Central America and their traditional flavors.

I really didn't do much more than work. I hung out with my brothers here and there. They were also working most of the time. B and I headbutted a lot which was so disappointing. It's been happening for years but it always hurts to fight with him. His girlfriend is also the worst in my eyes. The youngest one has a girlfriend now too. I like her. She seems good for K. I also got to spend a lot of time with my cousin M. He makes me laugh so much. I miss them all so much now that I'm gone. i wish we got to spend more time together.

I was super concerned about seeing family since my trauma was spilled to the family by a drunken, protective, yet sloppy father. I expected to be seated down with my uncle and confronted. But thankfully when he saw me working at the grocery store, he walked the other way. In a way, I'm kinda disappointed that there was no conversation. He gets to live on and take advantage of others. Takes money from my family, treats them poorly, and so on. Though there was no talk, I am happy that it really didn't impact my stay too much.

I also saw a past partner, the one that has been on my mind for so terribly long. They reached out to me in August, asking me what I expected from our friendship, and how I viewed everything that happen. I was honest, told them that I didn't really see much of a friendship between us but I still had hope for us in the future. I interpreted their response as them feeling mutual about my statement. It's so funny because every time they would text me, or we would have a phone call, I ended up hurt. By my own doing of course. I don’t think I’m fully able to have them in my life. And maybe I never will be. Them appearing hurt each and every time. I longed for this person for over two years, romanticizing what we had the entire time. Looking back now, it really wasn't that great. I was not happy, and by no fault of theirs. I was dealing surprising so much trauma at that time. I never acknowledged the pain I was in. i was also so confused in my own identity and the body dysphoria was all consuming. I did not treat them well at all. I was a horrible person. I do believe that I loved them above all. I still believe that they were my first love. But how much of it was real? how much of it was trauma? I guess it really doesn't matter.

Our hangout was fine. They drove up to see me. We headed out to a park and sat by the Bay together for a bit. It was the same place that we had our first date actually. I'm not sure if they remember that we kayaked past that location together. We chatted and got coffee. They told me about their new partner and I was happy to listen. The language that was used made me feel quite uncomfortable, it almost felt as though they were trying to really highlight all the areas that I failed in, and how their partner is significantly better in those areas than me. I also acknowledge that I could have been reading it wrong, especially as a past lover. Being together felt like old times, the playful banter, the goofiness, the big old smile of theirs. I guess none of that was exclusive to our relationship but it was very missed. Seeing them fucked me up. I ended up getting stuck in my thoughts and focusing on them too much. So much so that I actually went to their account and read their most recent post. It really put the nail in the coffin for any hope of there being a future together. And to think I thought something else may have happened when we saw each other, especially considering that a few days before hand they sent me a text saying that their friends didn't want them texting me when they were drunk. Silly me, reading too deep into it.

Seeing that post set me free though. I realized that I was never really able to love my partner fully because of the feelings I was holding onto. I told JC about every time MDM and I would talk. I was always so painfully transparent about how I was feeling, how much I missed MDM, how I felt as though I could develop feelings for MDM at any second. I cannot imagine how JC felt about that. I was holding on, and holding myself back from a loving relationship. Before I left home, and right before I saw my past partner, JC and I had a talk about where we stood, and I told them that I didn't want to continue doing what we were doing due to past actions and excuses that they always gave me. I think that scared them because that night they cried and told me that they want me. We talked about how they hurt me and how they need to improve. A few days passed, and we made it official.

The entire time I was saving a spot at my "love party" for someone who would never show up and not giving enough to the person who had been showing up for an entire year and a half for me. They are actually the one who picked me up from the airport on January 6th with arms wide open, eyes that twinkled when they saw me, and a smile that could make my heart melt, along with a container of food for me. They drove us to their apartment in the Bay Area for the night. The next day they drove me to the light rail and we kissed each other goodbye. Once I got to Sac, I began to pack up my things and began to get ready for the roller coaster that I was about to embark on. I packed, donated, put coins into little sleeves, and awaited the day to arrive for my big move.

A day before my move, my friends threw me an "emo night" party. On the table there was a basket full of weed (I haven't smoked in ages) and a cute little tofu stew awaiting me. It was lovely to see everyone. It's nice knowing how loved I am. I miss everyone in CA.

And with that, my bunny, JC, and I were on our way to a new state the next morning. I gave my housemate a hug goodbye, shed a tear, and left my home. The drive wasn't too bad. It took us about 13-14 hours to get up here. JC and I tag teamed it and honestly, time flew by and my bun took it like a champ.

We settled into my new home, they helped me run some errands, and we got to explore the new city. I have to say that I don't fully love living in a big city. I don't hate it but I don't really like it. The only redeeming feature is the light rail. Honestly the community here is nowhere near as good as it was in CA. they keep calling it the WA freeze and I feel it. I've been looking for some mutual aid groups to volunteer with but I have been having a harder time finding one that calls to me. In sac, there were so many, and I loved them all so much.

I don't see myself staying here. Maybe my gut was wrong about finding community out here. I could be very wrong. I'm going to ballroom event next month so I hope to meet some cool people out there. who knows. Today I went to a Salvadorean bakery, the southern part of the town seems to be where all the cool folks are so maybe I'll spend more time exploring that area.

Anyways, my partner left a few days after being here with me, and they told me they love me before getting on their plane. They have never said it first and it was nice to hear them say it with more ease. (they have never been good at saying they love their friends or family, we are working on it). A few days after they left, I started my new job, along with a battle with getting new plates, license and what not for this new state. Shortly after, i found that my car was beginning to shake, so now i suspect that my transmission may be hurting. it's been a few weeks and I do not have the funds to take it to the shop but I think my next paycheck will allow me to take her to the shop.

Every morning I would wake up at 5, get on the light rail and get to work at 7:30. The commute was rough but I grew to like it. The people were okay. I think my crew from last year just made such an impression that these folk are kinda disappointing, or so it seemed at first. Now it's been almost a month and I feel as though folks are starting to warm up to me. I still feel as though they all speak over me and ignore me, which makes me feel some sort of way but honestly who gives a shit. I'm too hot and sexy to care about these pathetic little white people.

The opportunities that are appearing in this job give me lots of hope honestly. I think I will definitely get a better shot at the jobs I was applying for last year. I'm excited! I do want to apply to some jobs back in NorCal. I really do think that's where I want to be.

I went to a valentines day party yesterday with my coworkers and that was pretty alright! And my partner sent me flowers which was really sweet. I hung them up to dry so I can hang them up on my wall. I told them that when we break up I was gonna eat them. their response was "wow, you really have this all planned out." At the party, one of my coworkers kept hugging me and telling me that they loved me. That was fun. Thank you gay man

Anyways, its pretty late, and this post took forever to finally finish. Honestly, it's just a lot of word vomit but I do feel much better. I felt myself getting a bit sad right now and this def got my mind off of it. I'm sure I'll have more to add later. Remember to take ur vitamin D cause this lack of sun is something else.

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thoughtsfromaveggie · 2 years ago

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I got so excited today when I saw the “invasive” blackberry while on my walk to the library today. I’ve been at this job for a week and a half and I’m so excited.

It took me a second to feel safe with all these new humans but it’s happening! And it’s great. What makes it all better is that I was the one to break the ice and share how I was feeling. It reassured me that I’m okay when others shared that they were having the same feelings. I’m glad I am the one bringing that vulnerability to the table. I think it helps a team a lot. Im okay. Im more than okay. Im happy. Making friends is just hard.

It’s interesting. It seems like every other person is just a little bit mean. But in a playful way. It seems like we’re all the same people. Except they don’t focus on the humanitarian aspect of our work so that hurts a bit. I’ve found a bit of comfort in this. Knowing that there may not be much competition for jobs after this. It’s bittersweet I guess because that means no one is focusing on humans. I’ve taken it as my responsibility to educate others. Though it’s not my job, no one else is doing it and I just can’t let that slide.

I’ve made a few friends outside of the cohort. I’m actually on my way to one of their houses with a bottle of wine in my pack. I’ve been taking public transportation everywhere and it’s been kinda nice. I get lots of time to crochet, think, reflect, worry about my safety (jk, kinda, I just had to run out of the section I was in and into another one cause there was some questionable behavior but that’s city living for you).

On that note, this is the biggest city I have ever lived in. I absolutely hate the traffic. It makes me so irrationally angry. Also, this city is shaped so strangely and the bodies of water makes every commute long. But again, I’ve found some love for the light rail. I forgot my mask and I’m so tense :)

Anyways. I have another post in the drafts that I’m working on about the past two-ish months. I think I’m still processing the change.

I lied. Im kinda sad. The lack of sun is getting to me.

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thoughtsfromaveggie · 2 years ago

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999

Its time to let go: end of the cycle.

Bye bye ZF.

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thoughtsfromaveggie · 2 years ago

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#Spotify

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thoughtsfromaveggie · 2 years ago

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The end.

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thoughtsfromaveggie · 3 years ago

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10/24: Weekend Vacations

I wish I was strong enough to turn you down at times.

I'm far from strong when it comes to you.

And I think you know that. Maybe that makes it worse.

Yet, I don't want things to change.

Life's too short to reject you

That's how I justify our actions at least.

Every time you leave I relive the initial breakup.

I relive us in the stair case.

I relive you crying on my shoulder.

I am forced to be alone again.

Every time you leave, I am left with questions.

Do I love them? Why do I cry so much when they are gone? Why are they all I think about for days after? Do they love me? Am I just obsessive?

What's wrong with me?

I love these weekend vacations with you. But I can't stand it when you leave.

10/24 entry

I got out of work around 12:30 on Friday and booked it home. I frantically packed my bags, kissed Ben goodbye and headed off to Oakland. I was sleepy and antsy but the thought of seeing you pushed me through it. I was so excited the entire day at work. You were my reward that day.

I got to your place before you did. You greeted me with a hug and we headed to the grocery store to get some supplies for dinner and Saturdays hike. We lounged around for a little before heading to KP to pick up some groceries for dinner. You made us tofu stew (I always forget its actual name). We settled on down, and watched some Steven Universe Future. It was nice. You made dinner while I iced my back (I had a pinched nerve) and then we spent time together. We headed to bed pretty early since we had a hike the next day.

The next day you and I headed out to John Muir Woods. We wondered through the woods, you getting in your head about your own insecurities and i felt exhausted from the perpetual pain brought on by my pinched nerve. The hike was not like ones before. Truly not my favorite one in the books but we saw some beautiful trees and clusters of lady beetles hanging around. "weird and disturbing" as one review stated. We talked about you potentially staying with me in if I moved out there. We got back to the shuttle, the ride was draining. You got a bit car sick so we got you some fries. Back at your place I made us dinner, which took entirely too long but I think you liked it. We did our thing and I got to say that there is something about you that turns me on so much. Maybe it's the way that I feel in your arms. Maybe the way that it seems like you can't get enough of me and you are constantly sniffing me.

Next day we headed out to SF. Sunday was my favorite day. We got dressed up and found parking at a park we had previously visited. As we walked through the park you held my hand, without seeming to care if we ran into someone you knew, one of my biggest fears. I wonder why you don't seem to mind holding my hand in public. There was a swing dancing class that we headed to. I was too nervous to dance with strangers, so you took it upon yourself to teach me on the side. It was nice. You're so cute when you dance. Your passion for it radiates out of you. You were patient with me and praised me so much even though I was constantly messing up. It was fun. I enjoyed you spinning me. I enjoyed being in your arms. You make me feel safe. I couldn't stop smiling the entire time. I loved watching others dance too. SF culture is so endearing.

We danced for a bit and headed off to the de Young museum. We didn't go through all of it. The lighting was fucking with you and I was pretty tired but wasn't going to say that out loud. We saw some beautiful pieces. Once we had our fill, we headed to a grocery store to pick up dinner. We plopped on down next to the skating lot and watched the skaters while we had our little picnic. Heading back to your place, we played music and you sang your little heart out. We hung out at your place and began preparing to say goodbye. You convinced to me to stay the night even though I worked at 6:30 the next morning. It wasn't hard to convince me. I hate leaving.

sadly 4:00 am rolled around and I had to go. You cooked me breakfast, hugged and kissed me goodbye and I was on my way. Tears rolled down my cheek as I left. I just wanted to stay with you.

I don't see my life with you in a romantic sense. I don't think that's what you and I are meant for. But I will say I want you right now. i want you until I'm satisfied. I want all of you. I'm not sure why you caught my attention or have kept me around for so long.

I'm just so confused about you. When will you set me free?

#jc

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thoughtsfromaveggie · 3 years ago

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Eep. Okay. Things are in limbo once again. I have a few job interviews. One I really really want. I hope I get it.

If not I think I’ll ride out a coffee shop job for a bit. I need a genuine break.

I also want to continue my education but I’m pretty overwhelmed.

So much is happening at home too. It been keeping me up. I want to go home for grad school, makes it easier to see family. Yet the thought of having to confront my family after this all happened is nauseating. How can I go home to that? I never wanted this. I just wanted peace and tranquility.

I guess that goes to show that even 40 hours away, three hours behind, hundreds of miles away, you can’t escape family conflict.

The nonprofit started up again and if I have to do this for another year I may lose my mind. Well. Good luck to me. I love you, Cas. Keep on trucking along.

#journal entry

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thoughtsfromaveggie · 3 years ago

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I’m starting to forget. That’s rough.

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thoughtsfromaveggie · 3 years ago

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7/20

"We may sink but imagine if we end up swimming...

Honestly, I want to give you every little part of me. And if the tide comes back and takes me with it I hope you know that its not love if you can't let go."

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thoughtsfromaveggie · 3 years ago

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“You were willing to make yourself uncomfortable for them, that means a lot”

-NS

Thank you for validating. I miss you.

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thoughtsfromaveggie · 3 years ago

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7/13

My goal lately has been to allow me to feel every emotion to its fullest degree and it’s exhausting. Especially when I switch up so quickly. I have to say it does help. I feel like in the past I would be sad for a longer amount of time but I’m getting over it quickly. It hurts at times but it’s not hurting to the same degree all day :) yay progress

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thoughtsfromaveggie · 3 years ago

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7/7

What you did last Friday was completely unacceptable. You treat me so poorly. I don’t think you respect me and it’s hidden behind a facade of being completely whipped. You give me under-eye bags.

In other news, t minus 9 days till I move :) I’m excited now. Things will be okay. I’m just scared of change. This year has been so sweet to me with the people I met and experience. I’m nervous to move in with my new housemates but I know A loves me so very much and will take great care of me when I need him. I hope he’s ready for all the long talks about absolutely nothing and Ben staring for no good reason. Ben has been pooping everywhere for the past week instead of the bathroom like they usually do. Why are you upset my rat??? Just use your words!!

In other news, I’ve been playing a lot of video games lately. I forgot how much I enjoy being on my switch. Is it unhealthy? Maybe. But I’m making an effort to stay active and get some movement in :)

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thoughtsfromaveggie · 3 years ago

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6/28- Processing

It feels like a huge chapter of my life has come to an end. Even though I have gotten an apartment in the same area, so many have left. JC being one of them.

So much has happened within these past few weeks and I have not spent time alone to process any of it.

Right before the week of graduation I went to Lake Tahoe, that was lovely. Right before that weekend I was caught up in who knows what, but all I knew is that I desperately needed alone time. Though I didn't really get that in Tahoe, it was still really nice to be in a new area, exploring the woods out there. That is something I really do not think I have gotten enough of lately.

Right after that, it was my birthday weekend. It was nice seeing everyone. I did get overwhelmed by everyone. They were all slashing around in the water while I sat on the sidelines, not included in my very own birthday celebration. So I started to leave. I came back just to be stopped and then we all left together. I was in my feelings but I what was the point of me being there if I wasn't interested in the activities.

Right after, we went to a bar, where they bought me drinks, and we just hung out. I got twerked on by all the men and that was a lot.

On my actual birthday, my mother was here visiting. We went to SF together, but of course it wasn't the most peaceful. She said some hurtful things. I want her to see me. To hear me. To love me. The older I get, the more I feel as though maybe she really doesn't like me. I feel as though she really dislikes me. All I want is to communicate with her. I have improved significantly, but she is just so mean to me.

She stayed in SF and I drove back. I didn't go home, but rather to JC's home. There they greeted me with a big hug, a present, and one of my favorite beers. They made me dinner, stuck a rainbow candle in it and sang to me. It was one of my favorite meals that they have ever made for me. I fell asleep in their arms while I ranted about my situation with my mother.

The week went on and we wrapped up our service year, we had our graduation which my mother made it to. Later that night we all went out, people kept feeding me drinks and thankfully I didn't have to pay for a single drink. Out of nowhere, JC showed up. It was nice seeing them, I was so glad to see them. JC came on over to me a few times to check on me since they saw the amount of shots I was being fed. They would sneak little kisses in, check up on me. When I was ready to leave, they offered to drive me back, and I accepted. I don't fully remember what I said that night, but they told me that I was nauseous and screaming into a plastic bag from the amount of frustration I felt that I couldn't throw up. Sounds about right. They got us food, we went back to their home and I fell asleep.

The next day I drove my mom to the airport and headed back to JC's house, where we got ready together and headed off to a party. The party was lame but it was the last time a lot of us were going to see each other, for a good minute at least. I was nauseous the entire day. But I am glad I got to go out and see a few people.

JC and I went back to their house, fell asleep and the next day we packed up a U-haul for them. That Sunday was our last time together in that apartment. We packed up and left around 10 am, headed out to their new apartment. After two hours of driving, we got to their new apartment. All four of us went out and got dinner. Then the others left and it was just JC and I. We set up their home, took inventory of what they need and then fell asleep. I was suppose to leave the next day but they asked me to stay. I said yes.

I ended up staying an entire week with them in their new apartment. It was pretty nice. I liked how it felt to be in the same space with them. I enjoyed our little dynamic. They would go to class, I would wander the city, check out the local libraries and just pass my time.

Sunday we went to SF pride together with some other friends, and I left. There was so much I wanted to say but I got scared.

I came back that Sunday night and my roommate informed me that they would be leaving Tuesday (today) and I lost it. Not only did I just kiss my partner goodbye, but now I had to say goodbye to my roommate.

We went to dinner together after spending the day running some last minute errands.

Today I dropped them off at the airport and said goodbye. I have not been able to stop crying for a prolonged amount of time. It's been rough.

I am not ready for change. I am not ready for a new group of people to come into my life. I don't even have a job. I spent so much time before hand preparing and I still don't have a job lined up. I wasn't prepared for how much it would hurt to say goodbye to JC. I wasn't prepared for how much it would hurt to say bye to my roommate. I'm not ready. I'm so scared. I really don't want to be alone right now but I don't move into my new apartment for another two weeks.

Out of panic, I asked JC if I could spend the summer with them, even though we had just said goodbye. I want more time with them. I don't know when the switch happened. I thought I would be okay.

Sunday night before I left, they took me into the staircase and thanked me for the time that we spent together. They said that they thought about starting something new with me, but that they got a taste of what grad school would look like, that I deserve a lot of time, and that they didn't want to do that to me. They pulled me in and started crying on my shoulder. I froze. I didn't say any of the things I was thinking about or what I felt or what I wanted. I just stood there, let them cry and began to cry with them. I want to tell them that I want to have another talk, even if its just over the phone. Face to face is just so intimidating. But that last interaction was not closure. I'm sure they will be receptive of it but I just hate that I reacted that way.

I told myself that I wouldn't allow anyone else slip through my fingers the way that MDM did but what am I to do? I feel like I can't fully express myself because I don't want to influence their decisions but at the same time, I am left feeling empty. I have been doing this shit for way too long and just need to break out of it. It's though. I don't know the balance yet. I don't know how to not freeze up.

In short, I miss them all so much. Being here alone with out my roommate is heartbreaking. Driving past JC's street and not making a quick stop by their apartment brings me to tears. Packing the apartment makes me shake. Change has never felt this scary but I guess that's the grown up world for you. I feel as though I should have felt this all during my undergraduate graduation but I didn't. I was going through a breakup and made very few connections, leaving the space was needed and felt like a real step towards healing. Here it just feels painful and crummy. I'll be back to journal more. I think I just needed to type out everything that happened. I've been so emotional today that I haven't felt hunger, I've had nothing more than a few potato lentil snacks. Hopefully A pulls through with a sandwich like he said he would. Being this down sucks but I am grateful for those who take care of me. I am beyond lucky in that regards.

#journal entry #jc

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