threebysix

[threebysix]

You cannot choose to be unaware

Once you are aware, you cannot choose to be unware again. To understand this way simply: "Once you have awoken, you cannot sleep again."

You know what you are doing, you have become the medium of cause and affect, a master of past and the future by being present. You know what you want but then you see what will happen in the process of relating the subject of wanting. You can accustom yourself to get the wanting, but, you see what will happen and the reactions it may cause. You ask yourself, "Do I have to be selfish?" If you won't achieve what you want you will always think of it. There is only but one true law to ease confusion.

"Do as you like as long as you don't harm anyone."

For instance. Working out. Studying something that may improve the self. In relationships, some may worry and it may give the illusion for them that you are hurting them. You can simply make them understand, "I am not in anyway hurting you." Most of the times they will project themselves to you, by relating to what they know/experience/prejudice, telling you how to feel. They will say that it is but the best of their intentions, helping you with your complications. What will you tell them? You are just doing what you want without causing problems to anyone, but why do they still?

Why do they? Well, that is your nightmare my friend. That will be your own very nightmare. Interrelations will be your nightmare.

[threebysix]

Does?

"The past shapes the future," as it is said by the norm. It sounds so reasonable that disapproval lost the room for any discussion. Thinking isn't so common; well, it's tiring and doesn't seem to have any relying effect to actuality. What is there to think when everyone already concluded an idea to follow? Everyone is doing it, everyone is acting the idea, everyone is the idea. The idea has already been thought and is being acted. There's nothing left but to follow.

That's how everybody thinks, no, rather that's how everybody feels. I am one of them, but my nature persists to question any kind of repetition.

"You question what you don't know, but never doubted to what you have heard/see/feel."

----------------------------

The method.

Does the past shapes the future? simply add "does" at the very beginning of the notion and add a question mark at the end if you were to write it, but if you were to think, does the question mark exists? Next, accept the idea as if it is a statement believed as a fact. Let's complete the context by any available content that could solidify. "If one is born poor then one will always be poor." Challenge the content. "I know someone that is born rich, pampered childhood, still ended up living in the slumps."

Transform the statement to interrogative form.

Consider the statement as true by filling up content that supports it.

Challenge the statement by finding any means that could dissaprove.

Not everyone who are born poor will always be poor, yes correct. Both the statement and you aren't completely right nor wrong. Though, it is simplier, non-complex, and free from any unnecessary headache to follow the belief (the past shapes the future: "If one is born poor then one will always be poor."). Does anyone got the time to investigate every poor person they've come to notice?

It is unsaid, it is known.

The future shapes the past. The meaning of the past changes as future changes. The past is dependent to the future, not the other way around. The future defines the past.

[threebysix]

Perspective

Subjective: How you see a scenario/event/situation/circumstance changes your outward expression towards it

Relative: How you make the other see how you are seeing a scenario/event/situation/circumstance changes their opinion towards your outward expression to it

Objective: How you see yourself/others without prejudice and consideration. Just purely by how they act must explained by the nearest possible known reason, which reasons partake inner mechanisms/psychosis.

"It is easy to judge others. Dare judge yourself."

----

Hell, I'm not really stressed up or anything. It's just, people need a certain idea that somehow correlates with how I am currently acting. I intuitively programmed myself, set up agents that corresponds from event to event and tie it up to a cohesive rooted-feeling mental diagram.

I want to give a lone time to myself, I wanna wear off things that requires emotion as fuel. For instance: the false norm of letting your gf/bf know what you are about to do that may cut the communication, being that reason of having you unable to be reached.

A lone time is just doing things you wanna do. Watching tiktok and lazying out on bed, rolling left to right, giggling, sobbing, mocking some stupid video... this could only be done when there's no one mandating everything you do.

It's a day of "Don't tell me what to do. Mind your own business and eat your own words."

She was strongly asserting dominance by complaining a thing that irritated her, which then she mandates; punishes me of something that will greatly trouble her later. I did try approaching her, civil in any way or manner. I told her please answer the call but then texted a message that contains a statement that describes my circumstance (which annoyed her) as an intentional act of hurting her. Added a prologue with how things should work now by possessing the persona from her assumption of me being malicious to her, so now she must act likewise-against me, clearly pointing it out, she must embody the same intention I had [according to her].

It sounded good to me. I must respect someone's opinion, I am not interested nor invested in a drible-drabble court case. I found myself defending from things I naturally do, that doesn't harm anyone. While she offensively talks like I'm some slave with a full-offense crime of untidiness. Another theatre. Directed by her, acted by her but without me knowing that I'm also a cast! The pleasure is mine, I haven't even auditioned on this. It's like some street prank where someone impromptly acts like the victim's ex or something, (the victim must be with her spouse to take effect, both are victims). And what should I think on that instance? "I didn't sign for this. What the fuck am I into?"

Her pespective is,

revolving around the mental narrative [a certain belief] of "what I believe of what they've done to me." Which we can categorize, as how she functions, to MALICE. She believes (which makes her reality), that the other has a Malice Aforethought. Which simply means having a conscious intent of harming someone before committing the crime.

I gathered data/information [unwillingly] from her past that may prove my observation. She talks out of consideration to those who commited crimes against her (which she believes was schemed against her), even adding a positive description of how good their life has turned out. Those male-female relationship is just stem out from the root. Which she told me earlier this year, we had a deep conversation which I intentionally lead to a topic of "inner-child."

She talked about a memory of her mother's promised (leaving out details) for tomorrow, full of excitement before sleeping--she wakes up in the realization of being abandoned. I imagined her staring to nothing, she didn't know how must she feel, till her mother (with her father) arrived. I magined her mother not taking the event seriously, which then made her feel unwanted, lied to. Her mother tried to lift her up by cooking her favorite meal, she didn't eat. She went to their room, ripped her pillow to pieces. She must have felt irresponsibility from them, it wasn't enough for her to just make her feel good of something horrible, without compensation. Her mother told her father, "punish her." Lacking understanding with their oldest child, she then told me: "That's the only, and also the first time where my papa beat me." They beat her for something she didn't understand.

Thus and so, rooted within her, "a scheme, a consciously thought up crime against her pure intention of a non-harmful but inspires human connection. She might have caught a thought, "Those who are the closest betrays too, and hurts the most."

Why does she do this to me?

Because she loves me, though a different kind of love. She doesn't want me to do the things that has been done to those who are/were closest to her. Making me a special different one. A puppet. Indirectly making me understand/sympathize to her. Since she knows that there are things you can't force to change, but yes, she can influence them so they may change themselves according to her own liking. Not so clever though. Not to me.

Her love,

Her love to me in correspondence to her inner narrative, "You are my mirror, I will shape you to become what I want to become. Together."

Not pure love at all.

I am aware,

yet I chose her.

I don't wanna, ever, never want to write this shit. I seriously am avoiding the realization, I need to get confused so it may inspire emotion. But I have to. I am confused no longer. You are no mystery to me.

I only love things of what I knew.

[threebysix]

Will in perturbation

It was a very oracle-like moment if you could say.

I was ignoring my 'will' for a while, I don't wanna entail the detail of the event where the will is included; but one thing is for sure. I neglected it once again. The will, or my will, is a very powerful substance (though non-substance) that takes care of what I really want-- it is not a matter of desire but of a matter of what I am inclined to do. The negligence of the 'will' will set fruit to karma, this is a code of conduct that manifests the whole. For example: "If you won't eat, you will get hungry." Eating is a must, and neglecting from eating will result to hunger. Hunger is the first warning, the second would be anger, so on and so forth. You could say that I am in a very close relationship with my 'will,' as I can at least know what it says. And so upon ignoring it, everything crumbled for a cause: "To get back from its destined path." The happening:

Ignored my will (which was and is related with the phone)

Facial recognition on my phone didn't work (first warning)

The blackspot on the LCD screen (second warning)

Once I always get on the third, I stop, and wait for the right moment (or to sink) for me to understand everything; since the ego has blocked my consciousness to get attended on various factors that caused the event. And so... this was. I pray: "My gratitude for always being with me, my nameless God, my will be done."

[threebysix]

I want to talk about self-trust and the delusion that sticks with it

Trust exist in variety of ways, it usually exceeds in the realm of perception.

There is trust in assumption, which is caused by self-referencing to the subject of focus

There is trust upon emasculating doubt by series of examinations

And there is trust in neglecting what is happening against the purpose of trust, which is only being continued by maintaining the feeling but constantly rejecting self-evaluation

To understand it better, there must be analogies that pertains the three listed kind of trusts

“First love first sight.”

“An idea materialized.”

“Conscious ignorance.”

Now I would like to add the usual delusions behind these analogies

We usually are mistaken by convincing ourselves that it is a feeling rather than the root cause; which has been stimulated by sight.

By series of examination, we tend to get lost from our true aim; and we improvise the truth by the current result. Deluding ourselves that it is near the truth, and so it must be considered. But being near the truth isn’t truth at all. And so we end up being unsatisfied.

With just a thought, we give out trust. Bailing ourselves from what is truth, being amenable by asking re-validation from the exterior. The trust that doesn’t exist in the now, the trust that is constantly delayed and is labeled hope, expectation, belief.

But there is also transfiguration with these three listed trusts, delusion is of negativity which assumes form. The positive counter act would be of a different kind and manner but to which is very familiar within us. These three doesn’t assume form, they give genuine production.

intuition

sense

conviction

[threebysix]

Mother, you’ve always been telling me the fall of Solomon but you are almost similar with him. You reject the devil, that is why you never let yourself stay stagnant. “Idle hands are tools of the devil.” You never relax yourself, you always remind everyone, without knowing that what you’re doing is the devil’s expression itself.

The devil never rest, it always stay with people, it always remind the falseness and always transposing the silence to hatred. It is okay to be angry, we are human, we are evil in nature. We adapt so we deceive. Not just ourselves but everyone around us.

God has always been the reluctant one for He knows everything, and so what must he do? Sit snd see what happens.

The devil? Always says the truth within us, not by rebellion, but by regression to progress alone.

[threebysix]

Litany: I love you hun.

Jorge: But… I’m too much for everyone.

(Pause)

Jorge: I cant even be handled, I’m not a burden, I’m an overburden. My parents gave me up, my friends left me. Past relationships pretend that I’m the problem, but I always knew their heart, and they never liked it. I’m always having too much, when Im down… I’m in the verge of death, when I’m up, im in the verge of existence.

Litany felt inspired by Jorge’s confession, she almost wanna hold him but she cant. There’s this fire burning at him, she doesn’t have the courage to be burned with him. And so she kept quite. Jorge felt Litany’s refusal from her initial emotion, and so Jorge let out a big heavy sigh.

Jorge: I always say that I am neutral, I am in the middle, I am the dealer, I am neither black nor white.

Jorge knew that this would let Litany speak without second thoughts, because there is a reference from her memory.

Litany: Yes Jorge, you’ve always been saying that. Why now? I don’t get it.

Jorge wanted to respond that he set that confession to trigger Litany’s presence in attendance by speaking. But he can’t. Litany wouldn’t understand, she would likely be called a fool, otherwise a nutcase.

Jorge: What we always speak is what we always rebel. I was never with me Litany, I won’t beg for your assistance, but I need you in everyway. I’m telling you this as a warning: I am always holding myself. I am s dam, once broken, everything dies.

Litany: Much as like the sun too!

They looked at each other and laughed it all out. But in the back of Jorge’s mind is a man in grief for decieving a loved one just to have someone to hold, to keep, to suppress, to treasure, to oppress, to dominate, to lay, to feel with, to place, to locate, to fall, to caress, to love. In other words: to feast.

[threebysix]

how many times do i have to die

[threebysix]

Okay so, I never realized until it was said by one of my closest friend that I am thriving despite the unfair circumstances given for me.

I don’t even–I can’t even think about it, it’s in me already. I am in love with the word ‘grit’ since I stumbled on it… a pdf file inside an abandoned usb stick.

I told my friend that my PC won’t get on. And he was throttled by the thought of my situation if it were him. He would have been long gone, quitted, abandon the project until sufficiently filled by work preference.

The details ensue: I have no UTP cable (an internet wire especially designed to connect with the modem for faster speeds), I only have a defective wifi adapter. It turns off frequently, high fluctuations, long disconnections, I can’t even play a single dota/valorant game. Glady music’s with me, youtube’s buffering is quite good.

Then my PC faces ‘the blue screen of death,’ my C drive is almost full. And I almost broke my CPU (heart of the computer) due to lack of maintenance. No change of thermal paste for almost two months. The CPU literally merged with the fan that when I pulled it, the CPU came off. Can’t even get them separated without a blade cutting through the middle with a tint of alcohol.

One bent pin of the CPU, and you’re pretty much done. It is considered broken, it is broken, it wont function no more. That is how fragile it is. I never said this part though. Never announced it.

What my friend knew were my aimless complaints and tamperings, asking everyone for just a UTP, I am making this for them, they know. They know me. Everyone thanked me, they always do tell me that I owe their lives; when drunk. Words. I never asked too much. Even a glass of water makes someone a King for me.

Now, with my restless aboad for developing a website with an immaculate intent to get it functionable and to whom the users (supposedly my friends) won’t ever complain; I’m using my smart phone. I have no charger, just got broken. The timing is obvious, everything reels to something.

And to which when I prefer using my phone while my PC still functions okay, now it won’t turn on. Right after I am done rearranging, recollecting, retracing, rewriting, reviewing all the informations I took; in order, my PC won’t turn on. We even got a $7 money pool from three users. Hmmm, something is about to come down.

Let me tell you this. I never cared about my circumstances, I only see the means of attaining the result. And the world challenges you from it, if you are worthy of keeping and holding it in control: it is one of those things that will keep the world unbalance. But yes, there is always a way. “You can defeat nature by nurture with a bit of luck.” And to extend that luck is to stay all night long.

My phone is designed for what I do, I redesigned the contents, no miscellaneous unrelated stuff when the status is at work. My social media accounts has notes on how hows, solutions, tips, and life quality tools (easy versions of things that are related to web developing, rendered for begginer’s usage. Giving them a sense of profession by just following instructions.

I filled myself with codes, syntaxs, tags, logical structure, algorithms, database interaction from the frontend; making it a bridge connected to its backend, where users see and input what is required for optional navigation.

Who helped me? A few. Why the majority won’t even pay tribute to what I’m doing for us to sky rocket all together? They want to take the decision from themselves, the decision that triggers from envy. Once I got the contract of what should I really have, they will run towards me and use the word ‘friend’ to coin me out of discourse. While they laugh fully? Bare gums screeching from overt stretches? But their eyes are cold, their sight has purpose, has intent, has weight.

It pierces through familiarity, deny and see hostility. Try and be the headline, cry and be the deceiver, lie and be the suspect, show and be the feast of brutality.

And so.. why should I complain from my circumstances? To which disables my work? They are witnessing my grip, holding no matter the strains. My reasons are valid, true, concise, concrete, material based and sticks with the reality. Unlike them who constantly projects themselves in comparison with me. “Please do not try. You do not know creativity once you can’t make a calculator fron stick and stone.”

I can definitely develop a high demanded modern website through my smart phone. Eventhough people come and go in my room, just like they are cohabitating. Waking me up despite my sweey slumber, pushing me in worry for updates like it is my responsibility to have a result, also knowing my situation… I an object. I am a thing. I am not human for them, I am just a money manufacturing machine.

03:40pm Sunday, June 19 2022

[threebysix]

My nephew’s tweet

i was dreaming and suddenly someone is hugging me, it made me cry a lot, like a fucking baby

and I retweeted

I had one too.

I was sitting on the couch at the balcony while the heavy rain is stomping down the roof, recalling the noises of cold steel screeching with pain. And I was there, resting my head atop of the couche’s stature, closing my eyes, listening from the rain’s loud whispers.

Both arms resting at each side, positioned my legs in a stretch, took a deep breathe and tasted the ghastly moist in the air.

Suddenly, someone held my left hand and said, “Baby, I am here for you. No matter what happens.” I opened my eyes in a hurry, turned my head to where the voice came from, Mavi. Sitting on a chair I do not see, but it is small, for she is almost on the floor. Holding a teddy bear to whom my late girlfriend Cise gave.

She wore the face of caution, like something is coming and I must be strong for it. Without any knowledge of what’s going on, someone covered my eyes. And so in reflex, I reached out to this someone’s head to know who it is.

I touched the chin, I felt the beard, the beard that had grown out for at least 2-3 days. And I remembered, this is my beard.

It stopped from covering my eyes and proceeded on hugging me, loosely hugging me. From the chin of its head, I instinctively traced down to its arms. Both and each of my hand felt different while I am sliding down past its elbow.

I shivered in horror, never did I feel that kind of fear in my whole life. As I have reached its hands, there and then, I was sure and never will forget. I held an old man’s hand and an infant’s hand; I woke up in pure terror as soon as it meets mine.

The hug of life and death, and I am the beholder of it.

I exclaimed, “What am I?” I laughed in relief while I cried deep within. For I may forget but soon I will remember.

Note: I fell asleep at the couch, and woke up at the same couch

[threebysix]

It is strong, and that’s it. “Don’t you limit me with your words, you know what, fuck you.” That’s the heart. It doesn’t want to be known.

[threebysix]

You silly tear jerker. We are friends Van, I love you too, you are my homie, you are one of those people who shaped me.

Fuck you, you are a beast that glides from north to south. But never flew back, for you thought solitude makes everything whack.

Oh my pretty boy, you have been through the terrors of light; you have indeed found yourself—in darkness you gained sight.

But dude, you stayed in the dark, you kept your treasures in black. You are not a pirate, you are the gold that refines itself.

Through the wind we feel the calling of the sea, but you didn’t sail, you flee. Your life may be over but I see you as a true work of nature. I have my own friends, they are two, one of each stays afloat—for I am the boat, the bamboo, the balance, never a heavy load.

They make me laugh, cry, angry but never antsy. They’d say, “It’s up to you,” and I’d reply, “You freak, help me you dimwit.” A true friend will share you nothing, goes with you through nothing, sympathize in nothing. A bystander who withstands, a composite of chaos from land.

If the heavens and earth persists, then these two retards are my thoughts of ease.

[threebysix]

Hahaha. How funny can this get? TO DO WHAT MAKES YOU WILL NEVER BE YOU, BE THE CONTRADICTION. The doctor and the patient, the music and the composer, the lock and the key, OMFG, do I have to spell it out? Just look at how you write! Plain as fuck, there is no magic at all. You write through emotion, and so there is no motion of what you write. Be blank as fuck, it has been said through all the past.. That’s what you get when you make yourself as reference, how many times do I have to say: YOU ARE NOT THE INFORMATION, YOU ARE THE CREATOR, unknowable.

Well I don’t blame you, your arts make my heart goad through endless rhythms of drum and lyre, thunder and lightning, force and flow, heat and cold, water and fire; without absence but content and fullness. The emptiness that fools the clueless. You chose painting, I chose writing. But to whatever is true, you made me shine like that painting of blue.

Blue fucks green, and compliments red. Loneliness casts life, and marries the dead.

[threebysix]

Ah, so you’re one of those people who can hear voices, those who seclude their emotions, forcing it to develop an identity and adapt to the ways of man. The voices provoke and conspires your fall. Like a God who made itself in multitudes of horror.

But that’s good, your voices are so alike you in every way or manner. The answer has always been laying in front of you, to which you rebel. And when God makes you see for what it is, you are silenced with fear and unease. You must forgive. Don’t shut it up, listen. For you are also God, you have been made by His own image dumbass.

If you were the God, would you listen? Or shine horrors upon your children? Just because they won’t follow you, you narcissist, you love CANNIBALISM.

[threebysix]

Van, you sick son of a bitch. Fucking asshole, why do you all say, I don’t know anything with certainty. Blah blah blah blackshit. But yes, I always loved the stars, they sparkle glimmering glitters on our eyes. They are symbols of the spirit, shapes our might, they are our grit and signs of sight. The ineffable beings of light. Also, I have one question, to which I hide.

“What do I know for certain?” To which there’s no spit of an ink, what do you all want to show huh? I know nothing bullshit. To make yourselves sound bright? Fuck you. God, dickheads. Just don’t get it to paper, do not write! Show offs, you know nothing, and that’s how it literally goes, YOU ARE NOT SOMETHING.

[threebysix]

Man, don’t steal my work and revise it to sound more intelligent. Be simple like, “Live and let die.” or “I fear life, I’m fine with death.” Or, “There is only new beginnings” or “There is no end.” Or “Eat your ass.”

[threebysix]

It has always been with me, to which I always ask when the fire burns, hurling its flames around. “What is this heat?”

“It is easy to be a naive idealist. It is easy to be a cynical realist. It is quite another thing to have no illusions but still holds the inner flame.”

That is why all of you feels lonely. Put out the fire. And be a bright ember, a bright coal. A bright black. From darkness came strength, light, red! in the mask of red, which sheds the ashes of white, there leads the knowledge of pointed matter. And remember, a coal is light and can easily crumble, but which protects, it is the heat with no fire. Fire burns everything, a bright coal leads the beginnings.

I always felt: “God damn ancestors. Are you all looking at me? You want me to solve all of what you all lacked? You lackeys, fuck you all. I am a bright coal, with embers flying in dashes of lines. A coal that is lighter than any matters of deceit, heavy in expression, light in seclusion. The bright coal is almost like that of the sun, a non matter.

I am matter, to which I will not remake the mistake of my ancestors, (they are closet perverts, sad at birth) They would always forget, that they are but a mere human. I may love Solomon, adore him at most of all. But he is a jerk, for he thought that he transcended God and befalls. I am but a man, guided by the heavens, who was blessed, blessed be thy feet for it will lead the way. God is never me, so I killed me. And I became the I, the I who shall see.