throwingupmyemotions - Tumblr blog

[throwingupmyemotions]

i randomly started living this world where i suddenly find everything about every person so human and cute- and i feel like i could fall in love with any person if i rlly wanted to. it feels a lot like when i was younger, the way i saw everyone was so innocent so everyone was just automatically good and a better person than me. somehow now i can see ppls “imperfections” but thats what i find so endearing. it’s like everyone is so human and we’re all trying so hard and i’m so proud of all of us.

[throwingupmyemotions]

i think the best and worst part about growing up w undiagnosed anxiety is that nothing will ever be as scary as first grade

[throwingupmyemotions]

ok so like i’ve always had a pretty good relationship with my dad and he’s always been a safe space for me for most things except eating. i had this weird problem w eating when i was a kid from like 5 yrs old where i always had this stomachache and wld never be hungry so i was like severely underweight. my dad was super worried and we did all kinds of tests like MRIs, endoscopies, blood tests, etc. but everything was normal so they thought i was just making it up. my dad rlly wanted me to be healthy and he wld try his hardest to get me to eat but it kinda just got worse. now i know it was anxiety and i’m fine now, but my dad never believed it was anxiety and he wld make jokes about my eating problems and it always made me sad. but last week my dad apologized and said that after thinking about it, it made sense that it was anxiety.

[throwingupmyemotions]

ooh

[throwingupmyemotions]

i wonder if i will ever be perceptive or self-aware enough to not be confused about my place in the world

[throwingupmyemotions]

knowing that ur trying ur hardest and still not being good enough sucks sm

[throwingupmyemotions]

i still don’t understand what i did to be treated like such a burden as a kid and not knowing the answer kills me

[throwingupmyemotions]

i rlly want for someone to say they love me and for me to actually believe them

[throwingupmyemotions]

ok so i just learned about cognitive dissonance and now every time i do (or don’t do) smth that doesn’t align with who i want to be as a person instead of drowning in my own guilt and disappointment, i realize that it’s good that i feel bad bc the person i’m trying to be/the person i want to be is better than that. and it doesn’t rlly matter what i’ve alrdy done as long as what i plan to do is better right

[throwingupmyemotions]

everyone’s doing the best with what they have

[throwingupmyemotions]

realizations

quickly typing out a reply, you notice a warmness spreading throughout your chest and settling in your stomach.

“what are you smiling at” your mom teasingly asks looking at you through the rear view mirror while driving. your eyes widen in surprise as you feel the smile that’s unconsciously taken over your face and quickly try to force it down as you respond “just a joke i read”.

you focus back on responding to her text while being more conscious of your expression, but her quick reply brings back the warm fondness mixed with the tingling of another feeling you aren’t quite ready to think about. the easy smile rests on your face once again, feeling too natural to push down any longer.

“is that your boyfrienddd?” your mom jokes and cold guilt suddenly overtakes you, “no it’s just a friend” you blurt out sounding much too bothered for such a lighthearted joke. you notice your mom’s expression becoming slightly confused and she says “oh ok” softly and leaves it. you feel your face stuck in a frown and a heavy weight at the bottom of your gut, you put your phone down and don’t respond to her text for the rest of the ride.

[throwingupmyemotions]

mom

this whole things is just going to be me word vomiting everything about my mom and my relationship with her bc i think it played a huge role in shaping who i am and how i react to ppl and problems but i literally don't understand it at all and i recently found some new information so i just kinda hope i can piece it together after writing it all out yk

so i hate crying in front of my mom and i almost never do anymore, and i rarely show any kind of negative emotion around her just bc i hate it yk. but i went home last week and i was talking to my sister about stuff and we started talking about my mom and i said that i felt like my sister was treated like "the son" of the family (esp in asian households, they are obviously favored) and she agreed bc lowkey my mom made it too obvious. but then my mom came in and all of a sudden i asked her why when i used to cry she would always say they were "crocodile tears" bc it sounds like she thought i was crying to manipulate her and not bc i was actually hurt. and she said "did i rlly say that??" and my sister and i laughed bc she wld literally say it every time i cried (which was very often lol i was an emotional child and that's prob why they never took my feelings seriously) but anyway somehow i started crying and i told my mom about how hurt i felt growing up and feeling like she hated me and my mom apologized and i could totally tell it was genuine. she opened up about her childhood trauma (she has a lot of it) and she said the therapist that she has started seeing said that she has borderline personality disorder which kind of turned my entire world upside down!! I'll explain now:

so basically during 8th-9th grade my mom was going thru some stuff and our relationship was rlly rlly bad. she would get into these moods where i felt like she genuinely hated me. idek how to explain it but she would get super cold and find any reason to get mad at me and her getting upset is one thing but she somehow found the worst most hurtful things she could say and she said them so easily while knowing they would hurt ykwim?? and i remember she would get so angry and me crying would make it worse but trying to hold back my crying made me start getting almost panic attacks where i couldn't breathe and she would somehow get more angry. it felt like a horror movie, like genuine raw fear. but these moods would only target me, like she was completely normal with my sister and when my dad would come home she would be back to normal and she would threaten me if i told my dad about what happened but he wld find out anyway bc i would start crying at the dinner table or smth.

but so those moods wld happen one day and the next day she would be nice to me and i wld bring up how hurtful the things she said the day before were to me and she would have no memory of it. im not even kidding she wld say "i said that??" and i genuinely don't think she remembered any of it. and she would always feel so bad and apologize a million times and say she was going to go get help and that she didn't mean any of it and that she loved me so much. at the end she would give me a long hug and i wld be crying of relief. the hug was always so good, every time i remember thinking that this time was the last time and i was safe in my mom's arms and she wld never hurt me like this again. ive always been pretty gullible, i believe ppl. especially the ppl i love yk? but the next day she wld hate me again. and the day after that she wld apologize and not remember any of it. after 1.5 yrs of it, i started seriously breaking. i remember not even feeling angry, i just was so exhausted and scared. somehow the fear only got worse, i never got used to it. i remember just wanting to get away from her, i hated being alone with her bc i never knew which version of her i was going to get and there was no escape. i thought she had bipolar disorder bc of her mood shifts but that's why when she told me about her bpd diagnosis i was so idk the word?? i wldnt say relieved but like some part of me was satisfied in knowing the reason she acted the way she did wasn't bc of me.

so one thing i think i always wondered was if she believed those things she said, now ik she said those things just to hurt me but that doesn't rlly make me feel better bc that means she wanted to hurt me? like what was wrong with me that made her want to see me like that yk. so i think that's part of why i feel so idk i don't want to say (unlovable) bc it sounds bad but lowkey yeah. it feels like my existence is so burdensome and annoying to everyone and i constantly have to make up for it by being as helpful as i can and to give everything i have to make ppl love me. but even then, like i get that my parents and friends love me but they don't actually love me. bc everything i say and do is to get them to love me, its not actually me yk? idek who i am bc my entire life just revolves around getting validation and affection from ppl. and the worst part of it all is that even tho i realize all of this, i don't want to stop and start being myself. somehow i know that as soon as i start being myself, no one will love me.

[throwingupmyemotions]

i want to train myself so bad to write here anytime and not just when i’m sad!!!!!!!! i like myself sm better when i’m happy but it’s like all the documentation i have of my thoughts is when i’m the worst version of myself. but omg that reminds me of smth i thought about before

so like whenever anyone is sad and they’re expressing their sadness out loud or crying, i get kinda irritated. not super irritated like angry, but more like mildly disgusted irritated. and like i would never tell anyone this out loud bc i genuinely love my friends and family sm and i want them to be comfortable in telling me how they feel and i want to be able to comfort them and be a safe space so i try as hard as i can to push the feeling away bc logically ik they’re not pathetic for sharing their emotions and if anything they’re strong for being able to do it, but like for some unknown reason (not rlly unknown i know exactly where this came from) i automatically invalidate their feelings in my head and think that the only reason they could be crying is bc they’re dramatic or trying to manipulate me.

and ok ik this sounds rlly bad and it is. it’s totally one of those things i would never ever admit to anyone ever. but it’s one of those things that made me realize “fake it ‘till u make it” works for everything except feelings. i think the only way to get rid of feelings is to acknowledge them and directly confront them, but idk how to confront this?? like ik what this is and i feel it myself too, anytime i show any kind of vulnerability even just to myself i feel so disgusted with myself. i just don’t know how i’m supposed to fix it yk. the logic all makes sense. my feelings can’t be wrong, whatever i’m feeling is what i’m feeling there’s no way for me to change that and there’s no reason to be ashamed of it. but like i still am???

ok maybe i should brainstorm solutions

here i go

- i could try to stop invalidating my own feelings when reading past entries and realize that how i was feeling at the time is how i was feeling and there’s nothing wrong with it

- i could stop seeing emotional vulnerability as a weakness

BUT SEE none of this will actually help, like yeah ik these things all make sense but what can i do to actually get my brain to believe it yk

and it’s hard when the rest of the world sees it this way yk. like even if i do start processing my emotions healthily, other ppl will see it as my getting weaker and it’ll only make it harder. like there’s not going to be any kind of rewarding response from me doing this so what’s the point? but ig the point is that by doing this i will also be able to understand other ppl even more and i can be someone who actually acknowledges and believes their feelings. and ik we need more of those kind of ppl in the world so maybe it’ll be easier if i focus on how it can help other ppl rather than just myself

[throwingupmyemotions]

i want to express my feelings so bad rn but i have no understanding of what i’m feeling and even if i did, i think i would still be too scared to put it into words

[throwingupmyemotions]

purpose of life😲

*ok last yr i was writing this cute letter to my 6 y/o self and i accidentally discovered the meaning of life(to me obvi) and i didn’t even mean for it to be deep but here

when i said i don’t feel lonely anymore, thats not completely true

it’s weird bc i feel like everyone feels like this tho, like we all have this craving to be understood and accepted for who we r. i don’t feel it a lot of the time but there r moments when i notice it’s there still but it’s not bad bc i don’t think i’m the only one that feels it anymore yk

like i think it’s kinda cool that throughout life u can find ways to express urself and get different ppl to understand different parts of urself

and these parts r always changing as u grow so h have a new thing to show someone that no one has ever seen

ITS SO COOL ISNT IT

like u can imagine after 19 yrs of living now there’s a whole bunch of ppl in this world that know about different parts of myself and each part + person is so special bc they all kinda make up the pieces of this gigantic puzzle that is me

and yk the puzzle might never be completed unless i’m able to share all those parts of myself

but everyone else is like this too

like some ppl have 90% of their pieces in one person, which is so sweet, but as they grow they’ll get more pieces and even if that person leaves, that 90% slowly will turn into 10% as they grow

and ppl having ur pieces is only half the journey, u also get to collect other puzzle pieces as u understand other ppl

so sometimes ppl feel lonely bc they realize no one has all their puzzle pieces and no one rlly understands them but then when u try to understand other ppl, u see their struggles and it helps u understand

while no one in this world will ever fully understand u, even urself, the comfort is in the effort of trying to understand and be understood. and this is the same for every person, so seeing this is what truly brings us all together to not be alone.

[throwingupmyemotions]

update

the cricket just died and i’m glad i can sleep in my room again but i also feel icky now

[throwingupmyemotions]

cricket

there’s a little cricket in my room and i’ve been sleeping in the living room bc i’m so scared it’ll jump on me when i’m sleeping