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[thunder-mountain-railroad]

Memories - early life

I've been asked to write down some memories, things from my past and childhood. I'm finding this hard to do, and not hard to do. There are some memories and feelings there for sure, but there is pain there with them. I think that is why I have suppressed them and tried to forget them perhaps, but my guy says they are still there and hanging on. The first step is to remember them. I'm going to list them out in bullet points possibly chronologically.

- Dad Stuff -

- I ran away when I was very young, when my parents were still together. I remember going to a nice ladys house and maybe eating an Oreo with her. I'm not sure why I ran away but I was pretty damn young like 2 or 3.

- Parents divorced, don't remember much about it I think I was like 2 or 3 years old.

- I remember going to my dads house until I was like 7 or 8, maybe a little older. He remarried thrice, first the lady had a daughter previously and 2nd wife, they had a daughter together. He is with his 4th wife.

- I don't think I liked going to visit, perhaps I didn't feel loved? Or welcome or something. Not sure.

- I watched Alien at my dads first house, and it made me very afraid of crawl spaces and I thought aliens would come and eat me. I remember not liking to take a bath at home because it had an attic crawl space and I thought Aliens lived in it.

- I remember my dad setting me off to ride my little motorcycle around a track. We were at a racetrack and he was a semi pro motocross racer. I probably wasn't good at riding or ready to ride it. I remember crashing and the motorcycle, then it being stuck at full throttle and it scaring me, it was revving at full speed and I thought it would break and it was loud and scary. I couldn't find my dad and needed him to help turn it off and stop the motor from revving, but he wasn't there. I remember crying and looking for him. I think someone helped me

- Going over to my dad's house at the 2nd marriage was not fun either, the 2nd wife didn't want me around as baggage and it was readable as probably a 6 or 7 year old. I don't remember having any positive memories of going over there, but I can see the outside of the house in my mind. And maybe the living room.

- I remember not having a great time there but having my N64 and Zelda ocarina of time there, and it was really comforting.

- I spent a lot of time at my dads parents house, or my grandparents on that side. My grandma was nice, I still think she was nice and she loved me. My grandpa I think loved me too, but he was a grumpy old man and pretty mean actually. I think he would have good and bad days and it really showed. I had a cousin too who would spend a lot of time there with me. She was nice, and good, and a good friend. She was obviously the favorite of the grandparents. But thats ok. Her mom died of cancer very young and I think they basically raised her after that.

- My grandparents lived on some cool property, had a stream that went through it and horses. I didn't like the horses, they were big and unpredictable and scary but they always had bikes and rollerskates to play with, stream to play in, mud to get dirty in. I made a treehouse with my cousin and it was cool. They got me and my cousin rollerblades and we would rollerblade for hours. They even took us to the skate rink and we would rollerblade for hours there. I think Grandma took us not grandpa.

- I also had a game system there and I would play it for hours, playing some car racing game and others. They would tell me to go outside and play and I would but I think I really liked to play N64 there too.

- I do remember going over like not as much to my Dads house probably because the daughter was born and it was a lot of work. Maybe this is why I'm getting the feeling of being unwanted there. The wife def wanted to start a new life, but

- They got me a game for my Birthday once, like a shitty boardgame that looked cool and I wanted to play it with them. I remember they wouldn't play it with me and made some excuses.

- The daughter was like 1-2 at this time. She is my half sister and is like 20 something now and has 2 kids of her own. I do not have kids, and I'm thinking I won't after this shit.

- Not sure exactly when but I stopped seeing my Dad and stopped going up to my Grandparents house. I was probably like 8/9/10 at this time, not sure I'll have to ask my mom.

- Mom stuff -

- Daycare early - I remember going to a daycare, I feel like I can remember what the playground looked like.

- I think I cut some kids shirt at this daycare with scissors when he asked me to and I got in trouble. I remember thinking that it wasn't my fault or something.

- I think I remember a swimming class and not liking it.

- We lived in an apartment on the hill, I don't have a-lot of memories of this place other than a red couch and my mom blasting Prince one time and probably being drunk, I have this feeling that she was acting wild and it made me uncomfortable.

- From there I think we moved in with my Moms boyfriend, who I think was good. He is the one that got me started in sports. I believed he genuinely cared for me.

- The house was very small, 3 tiny bedrooms, living room and tiny dining area and kitchen.

- I think he grew weed in the shed in the back yard.

- He built me a basketball hoop from scrap stuff he had, filled it with concrete and had a 4x4 pole and everything. He also built me a little fiberglass boat, which was dangerous to get in but I tried and I think it cut me a little. It was fun to play around with, it was ugly ass pea green.

- We also went camping with him and I think he introduced us to the outdoors. He was a good guy with a big heart.

- He had 2 daughters with his previous relationship, they were around my age as well. I remember them being nice but not spending a lot of time with them. They mostly stayed with their Mom I think. I think one is good now or trying and I heard one is fucked up. Thanks Facebook.

- Makes me sad because he is not doing good now. He was and might still be addicted to hard drugs like Heroin etc. I saw him when he was clean a few years ago and it was nice to see him. I don't know now.

- I also got spanked once in this house by my Mom, the one and only time. She cried more than I did.

- I had a shitty record player that played frosty the snowman, don't like it for some reason.

- I think there was a room mate there that I didn't see much or I ended up taking his room or something. He was a nice guy but kinda weird. Like bald, with glasses, and kinda a wild side. I don't think he lived there for very long.

- I have a dark memory of being alone on the couch, late at night, trying to sleep, watching just like static on the TV. I remember needing comforting and not feeling good and alone and needing my Mom but she was in the bedroom and I wasn't allowed in there. I still can't stand the TV on when I'm trying to sleep.

- I've driven by this house as an adult and it was tiny and a piece of shit. It was basically in the ghetto, and still is. I remember being apprehensive about seeing it so that signals it was not a good time for me.

- In school I remember being fast and racing the fastest kid on foot, He was faster than me I think and I didn't like it.

- I remember fighting with a kid to share a motorcycle that I wanted to play with because my dad raced them and I should get it.

- I had a friend that I hung out with once, I went over to their house and he was a nice kid. I didn't go back though not sure why. I think his name was Josh.

- This was 1st and 2nd grade. I remember going to daycare after school and that was probably my favorite part of this.

- We would play games and stuff, Lincoln logs, building stuff playing dodgeball, we did a crayon melt thing once. They had snacks and applesauce and cookies.

- Daycare was run by a nice lady I'm still friends with on Facebook. I'm fond of her and I think she genuinely cared for me and was a nice and good person.

- I also started playing Baseball around this time, I remember that now. My mom got me some used Cleats which I remember them being not great but useable. They were like football cleats or something and someone probably pointed that out. I also got a hand me down glove from one of my moms boyfriends friend who was crazy and had 2 crazy kids of his own. He had a 3DO and let me play that motorcycle racing game like roadrash.

- I think I was pretty good, or something. They used to call me Hollywood and I remember being good or thinking that I was good. I'm not sure why they called me Hollywood, because I was like in movies or something? I don't know if that was a good name. Were they making fun of me? I think we made the playoffs or something and I was pitching.

- I have a team picture somewhere and held onto that Baseball jacket for a long time.

- I remember the people on the team and the coach and their kids, which were kind of off - I think now I thought they were trashy but I don't think I knew what trashy was back then. Maybe this is where I caught on that concept.

- I remember going for a baseball overnight at the coaches house with all the players. The kids had nudy mags and I'm pretty sure we compared dick lengths. I cut my shin really bad on the cot that I slept on the next morning and I still have the scar on my shin.

- 3rd grade, we moved out and got an apartment that was a new build and is still around today.

- The apartment was nice, I met some kids that were older than me but cool. My mom actually ended up paying them to 'babysit' me but we really just hung out and played together. I'm not sure how much older they were than me but I was probably pretty mature for my age already at this point. I've always been more mature than my peers due to my childhood.

- The one friend had a younger brother that I actually didn't like even though he was closer to my age. He was kinda weird and not cool. The older brother was my friend and was cool. We went and hung out at his friends one time and he had a Sega.

- I had some goldfish here that died because I left them in the sun.

- I'll stop here and continue on from 3/4th grade on and new apartment next time -

[thunder-mountain-railroad]

Not Much Changes / Everything Changes

Reflection

When I first had my awakening or somewhat of an understand that I was codependent and it had affected pretty much my whole life - I thought everything would change.

Maybe that's because when you're codependent your relationships are your everything. My self worth was, and still is measured by my value that I provide in my relationships. I knew that my relationships and how I would see myself would change, but things for me really haven't changed that much in my day to day. I do feel better in general.

As I've been processing everything and coming to terms with things, I think I was a little dramatic in my first post. It was just such a shock and a revelation and Eureka! moment that I thought my world would turn upside down and I wouldn't know myself, and that I would change dramatically and my relationships would change dramatically. I don't think that is the case.

I've realized that I do have some social anxiety which is actually very understandable. Its understandable because if you thought your very worth depended on what people thought of you and if they liked you, then yeah - every interaction with even your oldest friend to a new work acquaintance would be stressful. However, this is much better with the new "don't give a fuck and say what you feel like" methodology.

I do think I been aware of some sort of self for awhile now. Yes it has been repressed. Yes I have put others before myself to my own detriment. Listening and being true to myself is something I have done before, but not entirely enough. So I am somewhat familiar with who I am, and the person that I am in reality. I think this part of recovery will be somewhat easier than others.

I've been practicing just not caring what other people think, or maybe caring about other people in general as an exercise. Being 100% selfish with interactions, saying what I want, and just existing without tripping over how I'm holding myself or being perceived. I respect and listen to each and every feeling that comes into my being and feel it, evaluate it and express it. Even communicate it if it's necessary.

Mindfullness

Mindfullness has helped me in this regard. I've practiced meditation in the past to some degree. By all means not at a pro level but I have made an effort before to practice. Actually every time I'm in the gym sauna I try to meditate for 10 minutes or so.

Each and every thought that comes to mind in my interactions must be analyzed. Is my initial reaction to rescue and fix? Is it a codependent reaction? If so, acknowledge the thought and let it slip away.

When clearing my mind of thoughts, I imagine a dark scene. I give the thought physical representation of basically burnt ash. Just like when Thanos snaps his fingers and half the universe disappears - I do that with my thoughts and imagine them turning to ash and being blown away by a soft wind from my consciousness. This helps me to acknowledge the thought and let it slip away.

The Work

When I first had my revelation I had probably 48 hours of a strange calm and peaceful feeling. That feeling has somewhat dissipated. I'm noticing as the shock and exhilaration of the discovery is aging, old thoughts and habits and behaviors are creeping back into the norm. I think the one issue that will be the hardest is the "Task Master" self criticism that I inherently have in my subconscious. Always pushing myself. Never satisfied. Never stopping to smell the roses. Never stopping to enjoy the moment. Never acknowledging that I'm a human and have limits. Never congratulating myself.

I believe this is where the work comes in. It will be work to change behavior. I'm excited and ready, already making improvements.

My wife finds my post

My wife and I were discussing my therapy and things, as she knows I am reading Codependent No More. I've told her that I'm going through some stuff and it will be a little difficult for awhile etc. I started to explain to her what it means, we got interrupted and I said, "Actually you're a smart girl, do some research on it if your interested"

She couldn't sleep the next night and indeed did some research. She is indeed a smart girl. She found my post on reddit, couldn't believe how much it sounded like me and put it all together. When she told me "I saw your reddit post", I was in shock, I said "No way!" I really wasn't even going to post it to reddit, with my username, on the forum but I felt compelled to. Initially I fought to not feel guilt and shame. There was internal conflict because I knew the content would be hurtful but it as true content and what I wrote.

She was understandably somewhat hurt and anxious from the post. Because of the revelations, and her basically loving someone who isn't themselves and is questioning every relationship and interaction they have ever had, including the relationship with her.

We had a good conversation in the Home Depot parking lot, which is where it came up. We sat in the car for about 20 minutes discussing everything. Initially I felt guilty and somewhat ashamed because I never intended for her to read these things. And now, with hindsight, I feel I was being a bit dramatic in my writing. I fought to not feel ashamed of how I was feeling in the post. I fought to not feel guilty for me causing her to hurt, from reading how I was feeling. It was very difficult. I also fought to not rescue, and tell her everything would be ok, because really I don't know.

What I told her, and what I do know - is that nothing in all my reflections and thinking has told me that I need to leave her. I believe this is true, and am very fortunate that is the case.

Will it change? Possibly. I have to be true to my thoughts, feelings and instincts. I have to tell that little shit "Task Master" inside that I'm human and have needs and limits and can only do so much. I have to tell them that I'm good enough, and what I've done it good enough. I have to love and respect my new sense of self. I have to be selfish in the noblest way.

[thunder-mountain-railroad]

My Journey To Awakening

Yeah I'm Codependent. I've been codependent for most of my life. I'm 34 years old. I'm a male who was raised by a single mother who was, and still is, an alcoholic.

Maybe someone will be able to relate to my story so far. I'm writing this here instead of on paper so maybe someone can relate. Am I rescuing strangers on the internet? Maybe. I rescue and caretake and I'm realizing it doesn't go away once you are aware of it and give it a label.

I started seeing a therapist because I was having trouble focusing at work, and cutting down on alcohol, nicotine and caffeine - All which I think I abused to get me through each day. I have been seeing the therapist for 5 months so far, and we have spoke about ADHD and just recently in the last months Codependency. He said adult children of alcoholics either become the alcoholic or a caretaker. Well, I've found I'm a caretaker and rescuer who struggles with their own alcohol abuse. Not full blown alcoholism but it does have a pull on me and a negative effect on my life. I abuse alcohol to make me feel better I think, maybe numb and maybe not care. I did 6 months sobriety last year and 6 months of drinking. A truly scientific approach. Something is telling me that I prefer sobriety and haven't drank since new years, so 8 days. One problem at a time.

Since starting therapy, I felt like I was behaving strangely. I actually describe it to my friends as my "mania". I bought a ton of new clothes, actually bought a ton of stuff that I wanted. I'm still buying things that I want, when I want. I started doing things that I want, when I want I think. I started some crafting projects. I started working out, and sticking to it for the most part. I bought a bunch of tools and actually started a small tool shop in my basement for projects and crafting. Started a bunch of projects actually. I described it as doing things that spark joy. Following what is sparking joy and not being concerned with how others or the world will see it. More on this later.

I'm reading through Codependency No More by the recommendation of my Therapist, which I think a lot of people have read and related to, as I'm doing more research on Codependency. Initially I was afraid to read more after I started. I knew this book and information would be life changing as it struck very, very close to home. Reading through it, it was like someone had summarized my life and feelings of how I see the world into print. Reading it I felt like eyes were wide and my jaw was on the floor in shock. I'm still reading through it, on Chapter 16 currently.

I had a fake breakthrough and I think a real breakthrough soon after and I'll describe them. I actually do the exercises in this book because I couldn't believe how relevant the information was. I never do the exercises in books, but I felt compelled. Chapter 11, like the bankruptcy, "Have a love affair with yourself". At the end of the chapter, it asks you to write about yourself, so I did. This is what I wrote.

Well if you told me I have low self esteem and low self worth, I wouldn't believe you before reading this book. But yes, I have low self esteem and low self worth.

It's confusing because I know I have value. I'm a good person, I do good work and am a good friend, husband, son and employee. However I do not treat myself with the same love / thoughts/ fuel that I put out into the world. I have needs thoughts and desires that I need to be nurtured and met. I'm a person and that person deserves just as much thought and attention that everyone else gets. I need to be self preserving and selfish in the most noblest way.

I thought this was a breakthrough and maybe it is because I'm recognizing I have needs and should treat myself better. I continued on reading, then I had an 'Oh shit' moment.

I think my real breakthrough came next. In the above response, where I describe how I know I'm a good person, because I'm a good friend, husband, son and employee. This is the crux.

I fundamentally describe my self worth as the value I provide in my relationships.

For me, this was fucking huge. I realized this and went back in my notes and wrote things I thought about myself. "I'm strong", "I do what I say I will", "I'm smart" etc. I described myself as I see it, and I think the way other people see me as well.

I imagine a dark room, with an overhead spot light pointing to the center of the floor. All the people I love and are close to are there in a circle, my friends, mom, wife etc. Everyone is happy and smiling. There is one person though, who is like a stranger. They are smiling too. That person is me, and who I really am in reality. That person deserves the same love, respect and care that he gives to others. That person cares a little too much about how he is perceived. That person needs to let go, and be true to who they really are. That person needs to follow their instincts, and say no when they want to. He will still be loved.

For me this was when I think I realized what self worth and self esteem actually is. I had a broad concept of it but it really hit me then. I have lost a sense of self honestly. I have been second guessing my instincts and repressing my feelings for so long that I don't really know who I am. I have been people pleasing, perceiving needs and wants for so long, I don't know what I actually want. The problem is I know I am fundamentally fucked up and I want to be normal so I don't trust my gut and instincts. I do what I think I should do as opposed to what I feel like doing. Again with the "shoulds". "Shoulds" have run my life.

I've been fortunate and have a good life, good relationships with a lot of friends and I think a good relationship with my wife. I'm so fucking hard on myself that I'm actually pretty successful in my career. There have been some fights with my wife since I've started therapy, because I have been putting my needs before hers and others for the first time in our relationship, which has been like 17 years or something, married almost 9. I'm still struggling with expressing myself and my needs. One problem at a time.

I know I'm going to change, and I think I know who I really am. I've seen glimpses of that person, and I like what I see. I think my wife will also love the person I really am. I hope I'll still love her too.

If you read this and can relate and it helps you in some way, then I've written this for a reason. But thats wrong. The reason I've written this is for myself. This helps me, to write things out. To talk about my story. My codependency is telling me I'm writing this to help other people, but I need to do it for me. Maybe I should write privately so I know I'm not rescuing. Yeah I think I need to do that.

I wish you well in your recovery.

[thunder-mountain-railroad]

first commit

Yeah going to try and journal online. Writing I think gives me a good outlet to understand and how I’m feeling as I go through this process. Since I’m on a computer professionally, I’m not sure that typing is a better method than writing by hand, but I’m going to try it out and see where it goes. Already it seems I can write faster this way, but I don’t get to use my really nice pen and moleskin notebook, but I do get to use my cool keyboard.

Anyway

I think this is a good first step, and this is probably enough for right now. Accepting that and not pushing myself (the shoulds) to write more is already a good sign that I understand what I need to do and this process might be working. Time will tell.