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[tidahlwave-blog]

Back.

Hi. I’m back in the Netherlands. I was right in my last post, I still feel like I could live in the UK forever. I was excited to get back to my normal habits here in Tilburg but I can’t be more bored now. England gave me lots to think about, for which I am thankful. It made me re-evaluate going back home to study there. Instead, I have decided I’d move further away from home, studying something that I’d never thought I’d study. I thought it might make me feel uncomfortable being away from home. And while it did, it was only a bit and I learned that I can easily be more independent than I already was. I don’t feel the need to go back home every weekend, I even feel joy when I don’t. And I now feel like I can take on the world without having to see mum or dad every week. I am grown. A little bird that learned how to fly on its own.

[tidahlwave-blog]

Been a while.

So, it’s been a while. Hello again. As of right now I am sat in Sheffield, United Kingdom. I’ve been living here for the past 2 months. Well, nearly 2 months. I don’t really know what got me to writing on this blog again. I put on some music that I added to my Spotify list about 5 years ago. My flatmates are going out tonight. I have a 9am scheduled for tomorrow that I’m not going to probably. To be honest, I probably miss home. Not actively, but subconsciously enough so that I cling to ideas of things back home. I would really love a friet speciaal right now, and I would also love to open a bag of Nibbits crisps without having to save three-quarters of it because they haven’t got it here. It’s so weird, missing home but not wanting to leave where you are right now. I’d love to stay here forever, but I also really want to lie in my lovely bed at home. I also really miss my friends, like reaaaally really miss them. That makes me want to get back to reality in the Netherlands as well. I’m kind of bored right now. Don’t really know what to do. I can’t sleep because my flatmates are too loud, which I actually quite enjoy. I could read one of the books I bought. Or shop online. Or watch a tv-show that I normally watch with my Dutch flatmate but she’s being a little bit of a prick right now (and a hypocrite). When all of my roomies have left I think I’ll sneak into the kitchen for some food and watch something. Yeah, I’ll do that.

[tidahlwave-blog]

Okay.

I truly hope you are happy. I also truly hope that you are not angry with me for the decision I made. I needed to do that. Please don’t think that I walked away because I was done, I walked away because you were. I had to, I couldn’t bare to see you fall in love with someone else while I was watching that closely. I let you go because I love you. I love you so much. Every day. And I know that now. I just hope you’ll forgive me, but I’d rather you never forget me than forgive me. It’s a weird thought, to know that you’ll always be in the back of my mind. But it’s okay. You’ve given me so much. So much to remember. I’ll never forget you, and that’s okay. It’s all okay.

[tidahlwave-blog]

When it's love

“Feel my heart”, he said. As if I wasn’t paying attention to the rhythm the entire time. It was electric, passionate. All that excitement in one room. Cheeks were blushy, hands were sweaty, lips wet from each other. I’ve never felt more okay in my whole life than those hours I spent with him. I am so certain now, but also so scared. Because when it’s love you feel, you’ll know. And if you do, you’re done.

[tidahlwave-blog]

It's complicated

It's difficult, trying to figure out whether it's love or longing you feel. Normally I'd test it with touch, with sight. But now that those are not possible, how can I ever be sure that it is him I want? Whenever we're silent, I crave him. I cry for days on end, cry out for him. But when we're talking, Christ, how bad I wish he'd just get out of my life. The thing is though, until we meet again I will never know if I love him. I stick with him because of the idea of there being something more than just our texts. Slowly, but steady, he is turning into one of those people who live inside my phone. Even though I know damn well that he's an actual person, I'm starting to forget that. I'm starting to let go of his image waving me goodbye, and I'm starting to neglect the sweetness I tasted on his lips after we took those shots. But one thing I will never forget, is how he made me whole again. How he made me realise that I was worth so much more than what I had thus far bargained for every single time. I'll never forget the feeling he gave me, one I had never experienced: the feeling that I could be loved.

[tidahlwave-blog]

Things you'll lose anyway

I miss him. He hasn't even left yet and I miss him. Whenever there's something that tells me he's staying I just get more sad because I know he'll leave anyway. He left her, so I know he isn't afraid of hurting someone. I'm not the one, nor will I ever be. I can't fix him. We met when we were way to young, and we got to know eachother at the worst time in our lives. Both desperate, with a little bit too much to lose. But at the same time what do you really got to lose when you're 18? There won't be a third time and I can't stand the idea of that, but I'm having no fun anymore. Let's just go our own ways. There are things you get the keep, and things you were bound to lose from the beginning, when you haven't even realised their worth yet. You'll know which is which when you feel it.

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Reminder

I remember, when I saw you I knew you were going to be mine. Maybe I was wrong but a year after I’m still drunk on that thought. More serious than ever, you kissed me last week. It was so magical I swear it was too good to be true. These little pecks on my forehead suggesting that all you were saying was heartfelt, saying I was the only one. I know it’s not true, because you’re out now and she’s there too. And I know you would kiss her, maybe I’m wrong, but most of the time I’m right. But that always takes me back to that thought, when I was certain you were going to be mine. You’re still free, and I do not mean to chain you, but we could be the best. You said so yourself...

I ask of you one thing: remember what you said and don’t let this die. Please show me you think of this like I do. Don’t let this die.

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Sometimes, it’s not okay...

When it doesn’t feel quite right, but there’s nothing very wrong... We all had this feeling one time and I know it tears you up. It sure tore me apart a few times. Now is one of those times and it’s hard to keep it together because it seems like every single thing that is wrong comes together and the world closes in on you. But sometimes, that feeling is fine. It makes us feel human and it reminds me that I am actually able to feel emotions. I often forget I can cry, laugh, dance & grief because I feel that way. I forget that I am entitled to showing those feelings. Bottling up things will make it easy for a while because there are no questions being asked, but at the end of the day don’t we all love putting our feelings out there to make it seem as if we don’t have to deal with them all on our own?

[tidahlwave-blog]

Childish

God, I feel like such a child again. I literally never meant for any of this to happen but I got a habbit of not being able to control anything that goes on in my head and heart, so. I really don’t mind this time though, I’m so ready for you to ruin me. Crack me open, find all the love I have to give. Run into me, break me. I’ll be forever yours.

[tidahlwave-blog]

Old love.

I’ve seen so many “old” people in love the past few days & it gives me butterflies. I feel like spring yet it’s fall outside. Something fluttering in my stomach even though I’ve never seen a butterfly out in the cold october rain. My sadness is making place for this content feeling I’ve been waiting for. I know it’s here now. There’s something about these couples... you can see that their love is newly found. It’s giving me all this hope, I don’t even know how to cope. Just when you thought you couldn’t get any chances, here it is right in front of you. Love doesn’t have an age, it’s for all. Whenever, wherever. Oh... good old love.

[tidahlwave-blog]

Have a little faith.

Why do grown ups always talk about faith so much? (I say grown ups because these teens do not know what they are talking about when it comes to religion). My mother, for instance, tried to talk me into believing once I stated that I thought that faith was something stupid and that I didn’t believe in anything at the moment. Her first instinct was to talk me into reading the New Testament or even Buddhism to try and find things that spoke to me. I told her I wasn’t interested. She then started to lecture me about her life experiences, and how faith had helped her but all I could hear was that she did what she thought was right. Why does anyone need faith to do so? Yes, I have morals, mostly because my mom taught me those, and yes, the basis for these morals is probably faith because my family is religious, but now that I have these morals, why can’t I use them to react to things and act correctly in a situation? I don’t need some ancient text to tell me how I should act or feel. I got my parents. My religion are my parents and anyone who has ever taught me something. I believe in myself, and I believe in love and friendship. I’ll surround myself with people whom I love and let them guide me when I’m lost and can’t do so myself. So, as of right now, I don’t need faith. I don’t need Jesus’ (not God’s - he’s a load of crap) guidance to the path I have to follow. I’ll find my own path, I’ll figure it out myself. That’s the reason of why I’m here anyways right? 

[tidahlwave-blog]

Little sparks.

It’s true what they say about love & regret. One always leads to another. But it’s also true that no matter how hard we try we can’t shut down our need for love. Will we be dissapointed? Yes. Will we doubt everything about ourselves? Yes, definitely. We’ll always end up broken hearted no matter what. Then, why is it that we long for something like this our entire lives? I certainly can’t answer that question since it’s the number one question I ask myself over and over again. Even if we’re not in love, or just fancy someone. We fall in love every day. With strangers, paintings, flowers or houses. No matter what it is, there’s always something that sparks up the flame in our hearts. To keep us content, we say to ourselves. To keep us alive and humane.

[tidahlwave-blog]

Vitamin potions.

They were sacred for you then, when mommy insisted on you drinking them. "To make you feel better" she would say. Every night to keep the monsters away and every morning to make it a beautiful day. But where are they now? Where are the cures for aches no one sees, the aches no one cares about? The monsters get worse by taking the pills they give you now, and the days are grey and dark. There's no help for you now, I'm sorry. You might want to begin to learn how to live with all these flaws.

[tidahlwave-blog]

It's late and sleep is the last thing on my mind.

I immediately knew, as soon as I breathed in the filthy smoke, that the cigarette I was smoking would be the last one. It made me dizzy and think crazy things. Made me think it was actually necessary to take a walk and clear everything up, try and find out what was wrong with what I was doing, how I was living. 'Cause something is very, very off and wrong lately. I know life is supposed to be confusing, but my thoughts are not exactly helping me with the fact that I am worthless at the moment. So I walked. And walked. And I figured, why am I worrying so much? Why do I care so much? Why do I feel so pressured? I am not one to be stable and steady. I'm one to wander. Then why do I feel so damn lost? 

That walk made it clear. I was lost because I was steady. I was here, in a godforsaken place. I can't escape, can't wander. My mind is running away and it's so hard to keep up. My hunger for new things is because I am trying so hard to find what things I have in store for myself. I already have everything figured out, I just have to follow my gut, don't worry and end I'll up alright. Fate is not God. Fate is yourself, you already built the perfect life for you. You just gotta live it.

Guess this walk was the biggest necessity in a long time.

[tidahlwave-blog]

Where does it come from? One day you’re not even looking for it, and the next day it’s there and you lost yourself hopelessly in it. You can’t get out, it’s like a vicious circle. Your mind keeps replaying thoughts and memories you never said, or were too stupid to say. Where does it come from? That odd feeling like your chest is about to explode. Seeing blue dots everywhere, not thinking straight. Where does it come from? They might say it’s chemistry, but why is there any chemistry when one does not react to the other? When you’re drowning and the other one won’t even think about saving you? I’d do anything for him, and he knows that. But he doesn’t seem to understand, I would jump in front of a train if that meant I could save him. But here I am, writing something stupid that he’ll never read anyway.