tigerssgoroarr

[tigerssgoroarr]

Read if you want. If you don't care, then don't.

02-19-2018

If you ever wanted to know how I was doing, where I am in life, what goes on in my head, or my well-being, here it is. I'll lay down all I can think of that is bothering me. I know I have not been able to be open as much as possible and being a friend of mine and such, it can be frustrating because you don't really know if I'm fine or you don't feel close to me as a friend should be.

Why now?

I just don't think I can take it anymore. Having all these emotions and killer thoughts, a person can only stand them for so long before they breakdown and I'm nearly at my limit. I need something or someone to.. I don't know.. not sure what it is that I need. I'm very spoiled. I'm scared. I'm lost. I don't know what to do. I'm not sure what I want but I'm trying. Not as hard as I can possibly can but still trying with whatever willpower I have left.

A few of you know how my college years went, I sent a document about it but I'll briefly touch on it again. Basically, my work ethic completely fell off near the end of my senior year in high school and that translated into college. I didn't know what I wanted to major in and my interest and focus on learning in school dropped off. Two years of college went by, I registered for 3 semesters in those two years and the results were just beyond terrible. It absolutely crushed me and destroyed whatever gas that was left in the tank. Second year, I had one class.. one fucking class and I still couldn't get a decent grade. Insert academic probation and me not continuing with college.

Here I am, almost a year later, with no progression. I'm still doing nothing with life. The goal was to get a job, make a couple bucks and see if it would reignite my passion for anything other than video games but it's been a year. Seeing my friends progress ahead and not being able to keep up with them just isn't enough to push me to catch up. So no motivation, depression (most likely), and no reason to feel alive can make someone think really, really bad thoughts. They want to escape from the pain and horror of their thoughts.

Roughly a month ago, I essentially promised I'd get a job by the seventeenth of this month. How far did I get? Not very far. Maybe around ten applications. During this past month, I've been too afraid to face confrontation in the house with others so I'd stay locked up in my room attempting to avoid questions about my progress. I feel absolutely terrible, both physically and mentally. I've been having one meal a day, around midnight usually. My sleep schedule is absolutely fucked up. I'm sleeping during the mornings until late afternoon and I am awake through all of the night. I am very out of shape; I can barely do active things without feeling dizzy and my left knee recently started to hurt after walking thirty minutes. It feels like it would lock up. I'm just in such a mess. I really want to be in shape and have a schedule of a normal person but every time I get into it, it doesn't stick.

This weekend, everyone came back from college for the three day weekend and I thought this would be a good opportunity for me. I wanted to see all my friends again because my social interaction the last month or two was nearly zero and I don't know what would happen in the next few months. This could very well be the last time I see all of them you know, so I really wanted to hang out with them. But alas, of those three days, I only went out once to hangout with a few of them at a friend's house for a couple hours and that was it. Insert my head turning my thoughts until the last day to: no one thinks about you, nobody wants to see you, you're invisible. That's basically how everything else twists into. They make the thoughts negative, intolerable, and unbearable.

Was I ever happy in the last three years? Of course. Maybe not the last four/six months but I definitely had moments where I felt so alive; moments where I never felt happier. Honestly, this past summer I think was the most happiest I ever felt. It was so much fun, I felt so free. From time to time I would look back on the happy moments, in-between a period of months, to get away from the bad and it warms me up inside a bit. It's a nice feeling.

To everyone and all my friends, thank you for sticking by me in the dark and I appreciate you for everything you have done for me, it really means a lot. If you have any questions about me or anything else, feel free to ask x

"and i know it's so hard to stay afloat when you make monsters out of thoughts" falling in reverse - EDEN

[tigerssgoroarr]

[tigerssgoroarr]

No matter how much you care about someone, sometimes it’s just not meant to be.

(via thegoodquoteco)

More Good Quotes here

(via

kushandwizdom

)

[tigerssgoroarr]

[tigerssgoroarr]

I just want someone to talk to, not talk talk, but someone that willingly wants to listen to me rant and vent. I’m just sick of being bottled up and not knowing what to do, I just want advice. It just really sucks.

[tigerssgoroarr]

[tigerssgoroarr]

I’m thinking that it might actually be possible for things to work out sometimes. Definitely not everything and maybe not the way you imagined. But sometimes, when you least expected it, life surprises you.

— Susane Colasanti (via psych-facts)

[tigerssgoroarr]

[tigerssgoroarr]

If you’re a teen you must follow this blog.

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[tigerssgoroarr]

A great future doesn’t require a great past.

William Chapman (via arpeggia)

[tigerssgoroarr]

If you’re a teen you must follow this blog.

[tigerssgoroarr]

If you’re a teen you must follow this blog.

[tigerssgoroarr]

[tigerssgoroarr]

In the end I want it to be you.

(via floricawild)

[tigerssgoroarr]

[tigerssgoroarr]