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“We don’t tell people how much they’ve hurt us because we’re afraid that we may lose them even though they’ve left.”

— Juansen Dizon

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Day 134

So this is really it, huh? I guess? Maybe? Thank you sa 4 months, 16 days, and 5 hours na babaunin ko buong buhay ko. Ika nga nila, all good things must come to an end, hindi ba?

I really thank you for everything, Kristine. You made me feel alive again ever since the beginning. You made me feel like I was actually worth something while we were together. Thank you for the love and sacrifices you've done for me and for us. I'm just really sorry that I couldn't return the same level of love you've given me and give you the love I've been saying that you deserve. You deserve more than me. Wala nang halong "You deserve more, pero I'll do my best to be better para maging deserve mo." kasi alam kong this time you actually deserve more than me. You deserve all the happiness and good things in this world, hindi ba? You're too pure and precious for me, TJ. You don't deserve me.

Thank you for all the happiness. For all the laughter. For all the sweet talks and landi-talks. For making me, me. For all the sacrifices you've made for me, and for the both of us. For all the video call and voice call we've done that I'll for sure miss for the rest of my life. That would be the only time na makikita at maririnig kita. Akalain mo 'yon? I really thank you for making me whole again, but I guess it's back to the beginning again, no? All the millions of shattered pieces I'll have to pick up, but it's okay. I would be glad to be broken by you regardless how many times.

Also, for all the sadness. Jealousy. Heartaches. Madness. I'm really sorry. I know I could've done better, pero alam ko namang wala nang way para ma-prove ko sarili ko since last na away natin I only begged for a one last chance. Kahit ayon na 'yung last at 'di mo na 'ko bigyan ulit. Tangina. Ang sakit din pala. 'Di ko alam kung ano nakain ko para maisip ko na mags-stay ka. Not in a negative way, pero already knew you couldn't handle me because I also know I'm too much. I know how demanding and insensitive I get especially when I get mad and that I can't even control myself, kahit na para sa taong pinakamamahal ko pa. I'm really sorry for hurting you. I was your happy pill. You overdosed and hindi ka na muling tinalaban. I'm really sorry for letting you go. Hindi ko inakalang hahayaan kong pakawalan 'yung taong pinagdasal ko ng ilang beses. I would want to bring you back, pero tama na rin siguro 'yung ilang beses kong pagb-beg kasi hindi naman ako gano'n eh. Sa'yo lang, pero ubos na rin ako. Parehas lang tayo. Kaya I'm sorry for breaking you too.

But please, if you ever change your mind.. I'm still here. Please come back. I'll wait for you within a week, okay? Please. Hindi ko nga rin alam bakit nakakapit parin ako sa taong bumitaw na. :))) Hehe charowt!!!! Pero ha? Iloveeeyousomuuuuuch! Thank you thank you thank you ng sobrang dami, tj. Mahal na mahal na mahal kita.

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Day 124 - 133

Best last 2 weeks I would ever have with you.

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Day 123

Happy 4th to you, my love.

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Day 92 - 122

I've always been about you.

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Day 79 - 91

I'm glad you're mine. Thank you so much.

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“Be kind. That’s the only rule. I pray that anything else that you become will bring you peace.”

— Juansen Dizon

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Day 62 - 78

Happiness bc of ü

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Day 61

Wala akong ibang masabi kundi maraming salamat at mahal na mahal kita. Hindi ko na 'to pahahabain pa sapagkat nasabi ko na ang mga gusto kong sabihin sa'yo. Akalain mo 'yon? Nauubusan din pala ako ng sasabihin, bwiset na 'yan. HAHAHAHAHA PERO AYON NGA. Waaaah huhu thank you very very much, my love :((( 'Di mo lang alam kung ga'no 'ko kasaya na kahit na gano'n nangyari nagawa mo pa ulit akong pagbigyan. I'm sorry parin sa mga lahat ng bagay na nasabi at nagawa ko. Huhu. I really really love you. Okay?? Lagi mong tatandaan 'yon. Hihi. Thank you ulit. Iloveeeeyousomuch, lovey ko!!!!!!!

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Day 60

Happy 2nd month. I guess. Hindi naman ako titigil hangga't hindi nabibigay last chance ko. Last chance nalang to prove myself and worthiness. Kung hindi talaga mag-work.. I'm sorry. Basta alam kong parehas tayong binigay best natin, kaso sa ngayon hindi ako nakukuntento sa binigay ko. Sobrang kulang, alam ko 'yon. Alam kong naging selfish ako, sumobra pago-overthink, pagiging self-destructive, 'di macontrol 'yung lungkot, at kung ano pang negative na naisipan ko. Nagdesisyon ako sa'ting dalawa kahit hindi naman dapat.

I'm really sorry for fucking up. Thank you so much for listening kahit na hindi naman ako maintindihan. Hindi ko na rin alam sinasabi ko, paulit-ulit nalang. I just really wanted you to stay. I'm not a fan of begging, pero kung para naman sa taong mahal ko, bakit hindi? Ako rin naman nagkamali. Wala akong kwenta, pero please, keep me. I was in the process of learning how to love myself when you came. Sinamahan mo 'ko. Tinuruan mo 'ko. Pinakita mo sa'kin na kamahal-mahal ako kahit na ganito ako.

I was looking forward to meeting you pretty soon. Sa lahat ng plano na sana matupad at mapuntahan. Gusto kong ikaw kasama ko gumawa ng adventures. Delikado man o hindi kasi alam kong sa'yo ako sasaya. Gusto kong sumubok ng mga bagay na hindi ko pa nagagawa kasama ka. Makaramdam pa ng mas maraming ibang mga bagay na tanging ikaw lang nakakapagparamdam sa'kin.

Happy 4th of July! Happy Independence Day, pero hindi parin kita palalayain. Hindi ko pa kaya eh. Hangga't may pagmamahal, hindi ako susuko. Paglalaban kita hanggang sa makakaya ko. Kahit ngayon nalang. Maniwala ka sa'kin. Pagkatiwalaan mo 'ko. Kasi kung eto nalang din naman magiging last request ko, bakit hindi? I already found you. Bakit hahayaan kong makawala ka sa'kin ng dahil sa nagawa ko?

Gustung-gusto nalang kitang yakapin ng sobrang higpit ng 'di ka makaalis sa'kin. Gusto kong hawakan mga kamay mo. Maaaring 'pag nangyari 'yon wala akong sabihin, pero atleast alam kong ligtas ako sa piling mo. You were my home, and you are still my home. Maaaring nasabi kong kailangan na nating bumalik sa pinanggalingan natin, pero kahit kailan hindi ko sinubukang magimpake. Mas pipiliin ko sa'yo. Pinangunahan ako ng sakit kaya ayon lumabas sa bibig ko, at 'yon 'yung pinakamalaking bagay na pinagsisisihan ko. Mas okay na 'yung masakit ng ilang araw habang tayo, kesa araw-araw akong gigising knowing na wala na tayo. Gusto ko pang gumising katabi mo. Gusto ko magsama pa tayo. Gusto ko sa'kin ka parin. Naaappreciate kita. Existence mo and lahat ng bagay na ginagawa mo.

Mahal kita. Hinding-hindi magsasawang sabihin sa'yo 'yan kahit na iwan mo 'ko sa seen, o kahit iwasan mong ireply na mahal mo pa 'ko. Naiintindihan ko naman, pero gusto ko paring ipaalam sa'yo na mahal na mahal na mahal kita. Iloveyou, sobra. At mas minamahal pa kita bawat araw na lumilipas. Love, you make me feel lovely. You make me feel everything all at once. Masaktan man ako, but my love for you is genuine. Hindi na ako papayag na masapawan ng sakit 'yung pagmamahal na meron ako sa'yo. Mahal kita at mas pipiliin kita. Iloveyou for you are you. Alam kong nagpapakatotoo ka lang at sana mas napansin ko 'yon. Iloveyou, okay? Mahal na mahal na mahaaaal kita. Lagi mong tatandaan 'yon no matter how hard everything gets. Mahal na mahal kita. Iloveeeeyousomuuuuch!

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“you will be one of the best and the most painful memory of my life”

—

justscribbledwords

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