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I have nothing to offer but sad puppy eyes and obsessive tendencies
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“how do you get stuff done?” with tears in my eyes.
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affirmations: you are not real, you don’t have feelings, you don’t want anything, this will be over soon
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A beautiful angel at the eastern cemetery in Dortmund.
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#i miss you every moment we arent together#i wanna be there for you and help take care of you even when we both feel like shit. i wanna be happy beside you#i wanna tell you all the best parts of my day and hear all the best parts of every day you have#i hope you think of me now and then the way that i think of you always#i love you
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I wonder if they think of me
#tag limit reached#but i feel like theyre both so important to me. and i feel secondary at best to either of them. id drop anything if either of them needed me#even when i get a “promise me youll text or call me if you need me?” from either of them... they dont answer when i do#irl im so on my own and it's so fucking miserable#my irl “friends” cant seem to stand the idea of me having a serious partner. especially not one im marrying. so now that i have#another serious and silly and new relationship as well?#they just don't know how to be happy for me at all other than jealously or disapproval followed by “but good luck anyway.”#idk#im tired#and im mostly mad at my irl family and toxic friend groups im having to say goodbye to#nowhere feels like home anymore and i just want to be gone. or be with the people who love me#but i don't get to be and im not sure what to do next or in the meantime
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I wonder if they think of me
#the way i think of them#every time i can't sleep theyre the only people i want to message or call or just.. hear from#every time something awful happens lately they're some of the only people i can think of that just... thinking about them cheers me up.#whenever something good or silly or fun or important or really pleasant or weird happens.. i want to tell them first and hear their#excited or happy or sweet or dumbfounded responses#when its late and im alone... i want to listen to their snoring... or feel my head against his chest but for longer than a hug this time#ive begun to be scared that im so full of love it physically repells my partners. i want to be good for them so bad that im rancid in#some way.#i want to be there beside each of them so badly that they pull back... and when i give them space? they dont seem to reach out to me first#i feel like im.. so far down the list. maybe just because they know ill be there so they dont idk. care to check in?#they've told me before that if im doing badly they trust/assume that i would tell them#i cant even get a paying-attention response to the positive news i give sometimes... let alone. what i feel like is. my constant bad news#i want to be good. i want to be positive and hopeful and trusting and optemistic and patient#i feel like such a “maybe” or an “eventually”. i feel replacable and every way theyve tried to explain that im not its just...#them describing me as something sooo special im either too much. or that they think im too fragile or too explosive. or that they want#to meet someone else or more people who make them feel like i do. like im just a collectable trinket they can catch more of when they#dont want me specifically around but someone who does as much for them as i might. or can make them feel as loved as i honestly do love them#and they deserve that.#they deserve more than just me#they both do#i am disabled and im dramatic and im terrified of living this way and i feel so lonely whenever im in any company but theirs#because i either dont know how to interact well wifh others. or when i do get along with someone... it ends up gettin really scary for me#really quickly.#met nice friends? turns out they were mid-drug-relapse and want my help getting sober#met people i had stuff in common with in adult only spaces?? turns out they were lying about half of the details about themselves to fit in#reconnected wifh kind old friends? one of them is belligerent and mean almost daily and they others arent comfortable being near that#open up to my family about my struggles? get told i should leave#ive vented before on this blog and others that tbh most of the time my main reason for not doing really impulsive bad things to/for myself#is my fiancé. he's my best friend and my motivation and my love and my family... and now i have a seocnd partner as well and I#feel similarly and really strongly about them as well
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