timechanger857 - Tumblr blog

[timechanger857]

I get told all the time, men just want sex all the time. Why is that? That's horrible.

My personality develops into not wanting sex all the time.

I try to go on dating apps and every woman I've met is confused why I'm not wanting to fuck them at every opportunity.

I tell them that sometimes I just don't want to.

Their reaction is almost always a guilt trip. We're growing apart, is it me?, are you not interested in me anymore?

I try to explain myself and tell them I'm not against sexual stuff but sometimes I just not in the mood.

Their reaction? They try harder and kiss me deeper and rub me thinking of I just get hard that that equates to consent.

I'm not ok with this. But I'm the bad guy so it is what it is.

[timechanger857]

Everyone says they want you to come to them when you need help. But most don't really want you to. They just say it so they can feel good about themselves for a split second. People don't care about you. They only care about themselves. And no amount of people pleasing is going to change that.

[timechanger857]

It really sucks to be told they are grateful for you and they are happy for your help. Yet for some reason because your brain is telling you that you are failing them and it's only a matter of time before they realize it too.

[timechanger857]

Women: men should be allowed to express their feelings and share their issues.

Also women: men are a danger and a threat to my way of life.

Men: hey, *expresses how that last attack hurts and damages us*

Women: why are you making it about yourself?!? Why do you hate women!?! You are the reason we blame all men!!!

Me: ok so generalization and hypocrisy is still alive and well and keeping us from having this conversation. Cool. Cool. *goes into the woods*

[timechanger857]

Stay on your lane...

You ever realize that the ones who tell you this are the ones who want you to drop what you're doing to help them? But feel the need to assert their dominance every chance they get. Like seriously if I stopped helping the other departments this place would suffer for all that me and my department does.

I honestly can't wait until I get this apprenticeship done and I can start to look at moving the fuck out.

[timechanger857]

They say don't hide yourself. Don't pull away. Don't seclude yourself. But I'm so burned out and exhausted what else am I supposed to do? If I keep going and try to push through something is going to break. But if I stop and take a break everything I work towards backtracks and weeks of progress get undone pretty quickly. I'm at a crossroads with no direction. Any choice I make is going to cause further damage. It feels inevitable.

What I wouldn't do to just curl in a corner and ignore the world for an extended time.

[timechanger857]

I know I should get help. But why? For myself? I'd rather save the money for other things. And no one seems interested in being part of my life no matter what I do so why? I just want to know why this has been my life for as long as I can remember. Why have I always been the NPC in everyone else's life.

The worst part is that I wanna give up. But I know even that won't change anything.

I am sick of always having to figure it out on my own. I need help but no one seems to be able to.

[timechanger857]

They say suicide is an irrational thought. I disagree. It's the result of realizing that you are alone and no one cares that you are that way. It's a result of being beat down by friends, family, and people you thought highly of and realizing that this pain is never going to stop. It's a result of being treated like utter garbage by your environment to the point where you start to think death is better than life after all.

The ones who go through with it probably wish there was someone out there who would stop them, someone who would give them a decent reason that hasn't already been overthinked and came to the conclusion that it's bullshit.

I don't know if I'll ever go through with it. But I've certainly rationalized it and thought it out. And people over and over again have shown me that I could do it tomorrow and no one would even wonder why I'm not active on social media anymore.

I've debated just leaving social media and only having messenger and forms of communication open. But I already have that and unless I make the first move no one reaches out. It's frustrating to see others spend so much time with others. And I can't even get one person to want to hang out.

It is what it is I suppose. I'd like to say I hope they miss me when I'm gone. But I know that's not possible.

[timechanger857]

The Internet says that guys should open up more and show their softer side and be comfortable with expressing themselves....

But when we get sick we get told we are being babies and, "when I was sick I was still cleaning the house and taking care of kids"

[timechanger857]

That lovely moment when you realize it will be several months before you can actually take time for yourself because there is shit to do and people need your time.

If my brain didn't crave social interaction I'd give up trying to please others and become a hermit until death finally came knocking.

[timechanger857]

It really tells you something when you watch others talk about suicide and everyone clammers around them to give them support. But when I express my struggle with the subject I'm met with silence. But please tell me again how I'm wanted and how I'll be missed if I left.

Actions speak louder than words.

[timechanger857]

There is no difference between someone saying, "I know you feel like people (insert behavior here) you but they don't" and "I'm sorry you feel that I've hurt you"

It's gaslighting and narcissistic to me. And it puts the blame on the one in pain.

[timechanger857]

Why is it whenever people try to bring people back from the suicide ledge they always try to guilt you by telling you how sad you'd make others. How your life leaving will affect others.

You're talking to someone who has probably always been the NPC in everyone else's life. To the point where they feel lost, alone, forgotten, worthless and when they desperately need a boost to keep going you're words of encouragement is to remind them that the lives they will touch from their passing is more important than theirs. How dare they inconvenience you by choosing not to feel like shit anymore.

[timechanger857]

What if the reason my parents stopped coming to my performances is because they were tired of the hastle to wrangle my sister. I remember every time my parents had to focus on me a big fight happened and my sister demanded attention and if she couldn't get it positively she'd create chaos and destruction. Eventually my parents stopped coming out. Stopped caring. And now that I'm in my 40s now they want to care.

I'm not ok with that.

[timechanger857]

Everyone likes to say: what you put out is what you will get.

Their reasoning is that if you put out kindness, love, empathy, good will, that the world will give it back to you.

But we all know that's how it works.

I like this saying better: what the world gives is what you become.

You can be the nicest most loved person in the world. Aspire to do great and many things. But if the world decides to target you and tear you down, you won't be those things for long. Instead you will be broken, cynical, and unloved. Sure you can fight it. Try a new way, new beginning, new town. Start from scratch. But if the world has chosen you to be it's punching bag, there isn't anything you can do about it except say, "thank you, may I have another?"

[timechanger857]

Claiming the algorithm is the reason you don't talk to your friends is bullshit.

The algorithm is based off the interactions you have with your mutual friends. Like/comments increase interaction and tells the algorithm you want to see more of this person. Not doing those things tells the algorithm that you're not interested in this person and stops showing their content to you.

The algorithm and the person wondering why no one reaches out to them sees your apathy at best. But saying it's the algorithms fault is just a scapegoat.

[timechanger857]

It really tells me a lot when I make posts on other media sites and I remind people to check on their loved ones because suicide can happen and they might not be there. And the fact that I make these posts often and no one checks on me tells me one of two things, either they didn't listen and feel I'm ok so no need to check. Or I'm not important enough to be checked on.

I try to be optimistic about it. But it does add evidence to the idea that I'm not important. That I'm just an option to be used at random.

Yesterday I told someone that I miss the days when people wanted to share company simply because they enjoyed my company and I enjoyed theirs. No underhanded if I'm nice I can get this out of him stuff. The person replied that she enjoyed the time we have when it happens....

The problem I have with that is that I'm still treated as a second hand option. She never actively contacts me or takes the initiative. It's always if I'm in the area and there is nothing else to do.

What I wouldn't do for a person who wanted to be actively part of my life and vise versa. But knowing the damage I've taken over the years, being worn down, treated the way I have, being told I'm not fit for a partner in my condition, I'd probably sabotage any one who actually cared.

It's better for everyone else if I just kept to myself until it's my time to go.