timothyblack1969

[timothyblack1969]

Only my family will possibly understand this post... Almost 30 years later, I am still trying to make amends for things I could not prevent, and dared not speak of at the time. I married 3 women that seemed to need me at the time, only to find that they were not what they seemed. The 4th hid from me an important fact... That she should be dead by now. Well... Since, the doctors thought she was 3 years older... It means I will likely lose her at anytime. I can't fault her for that. She may be the only woman that has actually loved me. Tish, Dana, God I have tried so hard to forget the last that I can't remember her name, all were more interested in what I could make than love... Leah fights me more over what I try to give in restitution than anything. She shops for the best price, even though we can really afford better quality. Yes, she was misguided for a while that making a home in the province was best. We blew alot, got cheated alot, trying to build something there. But, I understood why... I didn't like it. But, I understood... I don't want my family to remember the fights I have had with Leah. I want you to remember that she has taken better care of me than anyone else. Sometimes, I catch her about to pass out and she still fights me about doing things that will make me hurt. I hate it. But, I love the fact that she loves me that much. The only thing she asks of me is being playful throughout the day, and hold her at night. Her condition means she will likely be awake until close to sunup. But, the time until I fall asleep is all she seems to want from me. Well, and letting her sleep in. But, that is a pleasure. Seeing the smile on her face is worth everything... There is more to say. But, my asawa just said time to shower.

[timothyblack1969]

Nessel has attached to me the last few days... But, Leah says she still has to go back to her mother... So, I am keeping my distance. I don't want to bond with a little girl that will be gone as soon as the new lock down is done.

[timothyblack1969]

I have to tell about a breakthrough today. Nessel actually wrote the letters today. I guess being an ass does pay off sometimes?

[timothyblack1969]

Disclaimer... I love my children, despite their faults. But, I am learning to despise their mother more as I grow older and realise how much of their problems are not my doing, but, the brainwashing done by their mother. It seems more and more likely that she taught them from an early age that I valued money more than them... Ok, I valued my freedom more than them. I never dared to miss a child support payment, because I would end up in jail. I worked 60 to 80 hours a week to make sure I payed my support, and still had enough to pay my other bills. In the Philippines, there is no child support, no welfare based on how many children you have. So, she pimps out her children. I don't see a difference. A mother that values money over the welfare of her children is the same. No matter whether she pimps out the child, or demands child support. This little girl is bound for far worse than anything my children could imagine, and I am not about fill in those blanks. That is the stuff that causes nightmares. I already have those. No need in giving them to my children.

[timothyblack1969]

I have seen the darkest side of humanity, and even though my own children would love to say that is me, it is not. A little girl is doomed in life, because of her mother... Her mother knows how to work the system. She will get someone to take her daughter, temporarily, probably for some kind of cash. The daughter, as soon as she gets in, starts causing trouble. Since the mother has not certified the Letter turning over the child, DSWD has to step back, and not grant custody. So, the ones that can provide for the child, send her back home out of necessity... So, I have a feeling that this child is older than 5. She can't write her name, and refused to learn. Yet, she is smart enough to shed tears at the right moment to gain sympathy and get into the new home. Only for mama to file a complaint with the barangay that someone stole her child. I know this is not the first time. But, I have no way of knowing how many times it has happened. The child goes from there is no way I am going back to Mama to go ahead and send me back, I am not going to obey here... How young was this child when mama started teaching her how to scam?

[timothyblack1969]

So, I can't even look at this little girl today. I keep hearing how she doesn't want to go back to Mama. But, you set a notebook and pencil in front of her and ask for a letter "e", and she refuses. Will do anything but what you asked. I have little sympathy for someone not willing to learn how to write their name. Anything I ask of her gets ignored. How do you want someone in your home that is that defiant? God... Maybe it really is time for me to give up on life. Is this my fucking future? Nobody seems to give a shot about anything but entertainment.

[timothyblack1969]

So, I would rather have had that money to help those in need. So many out of work. People losing homes, going hungry, and I am fool enough to lose money to a swindler that I could be using to help others. There is a reason God never let me win the lottery. I would either lose it to crooks, or give it away... Hell, I am not really embarrassed about the fact that I would give the shirt off my back to someone who is really in need. But, I hate being swindled.

[timothyblack1969]

Update on the istapha. Filed with PNP Friday. The station chief made sure we gave him everything he needs to file an arrest warrant and make it stick. I am out $4000. But, I saw to it he won't ever do it again, and his friends that told him how to win in civil court now know that some people are willing to cut their lose and see them in jail.

[timothyblack1969]

So, Bessel or jasmine, depending on whether or not we get to make that choice has been here a couple of days. She can be a little fart at times. A part of me wants to know just what kind of past makes her act the way she does. The other wants her to forget the past and look to the future. A 5 year old that can't write her name. I assume she can't read either. I will find out in the next few days. Confession, I did not enjoy reading until I was in my late teens. I still read pretty slow by most standards. But, I learned at some point that movies and silly videos are a momentary enjoyment. Getting wrapped up in a book, better yet a series, can entertain you for months. I also learned that you can get more of the real life stories by reading, instead of just watching a video. I want this little girl to experience life to the fullest. Tiktok is nothing more than a temporary entertainment. I don't watch them. But, I see people go from video to video trying to find something with substance. It is not there.

[timothyblack1969]

Wow, long week. Apparently, I am about to adopt a 5 year old girl. I am too old to be raising children, and feel like I failed my own. But, when I heard what was going on with her, I could not say no. It is a long story, and I have low battery. So, I will just say tonight that it broke my heart to hear she thought it was DSWD to pick her up today. A child should not have to live with that much fear.

[timothyblack1969]

Just saw that some liked my post about being understanding about the jobs created next door. It is kind of hard to train the dogs, when you have a bunch of hens next door that will come out every time you let the dogs out and say" oh my god, the dogs scare me". They had to know the dogs were next door when they viewed the house... Which was never meant for an office, with 15 people living there... So, I am not heartless. Either make the last 3 units private access, with right of way through the business next door, zone that unit commercial, or shut it down.

[timothyblack1969]

My dark thought tonight... I am going to wait for an update on the whole " isparta" thing. I am hoping that the actual owners of the units in this little townhouse community unit against the builder. This is residential realestate. Which means that there is no place for a commercial office here. This is not something that I have a play in. But, if it turns out commercial, I will move. I didn't move here to have an office next door that wants my dogs locked up 24/7...

[timothyblack1969]

I have come to the point in my life where beautiful women don't matter to me anymore. Making children smile seems to be my goal in life. I accept being Lolo to the children here. As a teenager, my nieces and nephews would wear me out playing. At 51, seeing the children play is still the best thing in the world. If I ever have grandchildren, I will likely never meet them. But, Lolo seems to mean an old man that the children love. I accept that.

[timothyblack1969]

My secret blog??? A boarding house next door, I would have fought. A Baracks, that is a little different. I am going to try and talk Leah into giving this a little time. If it proves to be a way to create work here, and maintain the safety of my family, and my neighbors, I vote to let them stay, even without the proper permits. People are going hungry. Where we live makes sense for a Baracks for skilled workers. I will ask that the owners back off on calling my dogs dangerous. But, that is something we may be able to work out.

[timothyblack1969]

I brought up Romans 13 last night. It has put that in my mind... So, I brought it up in an entirely different context. But, as I read the news tonight, I read about two churches being dismissed from the southern Baptist for accepting homosexual into their congregation. I believe the Bible says hate the sin, love the sinner. Somewhere down the line my own family has forgotten that. It is possible to point out someone's sin, without trying to destroy them. It was pointed out to me, in a heated discussion, that the Jews have a list of all sins. Yup, they are all in the Bible. None of us can say we have not committed at least one. So... Do you try to judge? Or do you try to teach, and let God do the rest. My biggest sin. Lust. Since, I have a sexual disorder that pretty much makes sex unsatisfying, you would not think so. But, it is. So, am I going to hell??? I don't believe so. But, my family might. I am leaving out the facts about my disorder for a reason. Don't ask. I won't tell. It is something that many would question, some envy. None would truly believe, with me saying lust is my biggest sin. In the eyes of God, it is no bigger than my love for good food, and lack of control leaving the table sometimes... Wow, that one kicked some southern Baptist, and full gospel in the teeth. No sin is greater than any other. God cannot look upon sin. The only answer is to be covered in the blood of Jesus. I will either earn my way into hell by my point of view, or gain a status as a janitor, cleaning up after those better than me... I looked at that for 5 minutes. It is a bold statement. God did not call me to judge. He did not call me to be a minister. He called me to teach. Reach way back to my first post. This blog, or whatever you call it is meant for my children. Neither is talking to me. But, I can die with millions and mean nothing. If I can leave behind something that can make a difference after my death, my life means something. Every day I live now is a gift from God. I have read revelations. The most likely future for me is bowing before my lord of or eternity saying thank you for saving me. Sounds like a great after life to me. I have also read the alternative. Yeahhhhh. I will bow for eternity and say my thanks. If you just read this, and have not given your life to Jesus, read John 3 15 to 17. To God be the glory. Amen.

[timothyblack1969]

Leah told me that Allan told his barangay he knows he is going to lose, unless he can sell his land before he goes to jail. I vote no sell. I want him begging the prosecutor for leniency, and giving up names. He could have claimed respiration, due to the covid mess. But, threatening to have me deported for pursuing him, and then admitting he did not own the vehicle were big mistakes. I am a pit bull, with a bone in my teeth. I am not letting go. I have asked the VA if there is any help I can get from them because of my status. My hope is that the US embassy in Manila puts the FBI in the corner with NBI. NBI has busted crime rings. They are good. I would love to see what they can do with the technology of the FBI and Interpol... Yea... Allan, you thought threats were going to make me back down... A US Marine will can be your best friend, or worst enemy. Add in my PTSD. I have hated violence for years. But, I will find legal, non violent, ways to make someone pay. Violence is reserved for protecting lives. Which I am not afraid of. But, prefer to put you in jail.

[timothyblack1969]

The barangay assured us we would have certificate to file, and it would be filed with NBI, and PNP tomorrow. Yet, I still don't have hope for a quick resolution. A neighbor brought up the fact that bribes are quite common in the Philippines... My only hope to bring this man to justice at this point is to be loud enough to gain enough attention that noone is willing to take the risk of talking a bribe. Game on.