tiredteacherlife - Tumblr blog

[tiredteacherlife]

Coming to terms with my Daddy issues

I, just like most, have daddy issues. There I said it, and no not in a sexy or cute way (weirdos). But literally my dad just sucks! He has caused more harm than good to us in many ways. Some I didn’t even notice until this past year. Thanks to TikTok’s wonderful algorithm. So, let’s just say those memories are buried deep in my chaotic brain.  I was thinking about the first moment of realization. During my cheerleading years I rode around a lot with my friends and their dads. Of course I noticed how my friends would laugh and cut up with their dads; even when their dads seemed kind of annoyed and grump. My friends would pick on their dads and have all these jokes. But what really shocked me was they would touch the radio! I know that might sound weird and random but for whatever reason that was the thing that stuck with me the most. In all of my time of visiting my dad on the weekends, until the age of 18, I would never dare touch his radio. See my dad he the perfect abuser/narcissist. From the outside he is funny and charming and most people love him, but to his immediate family he is hateful, bipolar, controlling, gaslighting, etc. He never even had to lay a hand on us and we still sat on the edge of our seats every time we were with him. Over the years while we rode in the car together he rarely asked me what I wanted to listen too. When he did ask I never knew the response to give. Sometimes he would be normal and nothing would happen, but most times this was just a trick that would end with him getting mad about the type of music or words in the song, basically an excuse to yell at me and belittle me.  A lot of feelings about my childhood have resurfaced recently after a beautiful young lady I went to school with was shot multiple times by her boyfriend/partner. She was shot while protecting her young child and she passed away. Ladies, be careful the men you bring into your/children’s lives. Be careful dating and pay attention to red flags. Think about how this person makes you feel most times. My dad made me so nervous I would barely speak around him. My mom felt the same way and realized something was wrong. I am so proud of her for leaving. She raised 2 children all by herself on a low income. But she knew that despite the hardships that we might face, in the end we would be better off. 

Trust me, she was right! 

[tiredteacherlife]

Cause I'm tired of feeling alone.....

My life has become a little overwhelming at the moment. So I thought why not start a blog to just get everything out of my head. I'm not doing this for attention, in fact the thought of anybody reading my thoughts instantly gives me anxiety. This is mostly therapeutic, and also so my head doesn't explode. The thing is the person that my friends and family think I am isn't exactly who I am. I try to be the fun, go with the flow person. The one who just goes a long with everybody and has a good time. The friend you can come to when you have a problem because obviously I have everything together in my own life. Now don't get me wrong I am that person to an extent; all except that last part. What people don't know is I have a great poker face. My life could not be more of a complete and utter train wreck. Now I am not trying to be overly dramatic, obviously there are so many people in the world who are having way worse problems than me. I am not that dense nor superficial. But anyways back to my original point, I am in a bit of a rut you see; I feel completely stuck in my life. Maybe I need to give a bit more detail for you to fully understand. See I just turned 22 and I am going through a wonderful and pathetic divorce. I know your probably either giving me the same sympathetic, yet full of pity look that every other single person seems to give me, or your thinking that's not such a big deal just get over it. Now I know that might  not sound too bad to some people, and trust me I know I could have a lot worse problems. But it still doesn't change the fact that what this wonderful divorce has done is completely change and alter my entire lifestyle and views on literally everything. That might sound weird to some people but trust me it happens. I mean you go into the marriage thinking this is your happy ending; that all the romantic movies and storybook fairy tales were actually true. That from now on life is going to be a breeze because you have already got what everybody else in the world is searching for. It was even more extreme for me, because see I am Southern and down here getting married and starting a family is what everybody is striving for. People do it young down here too. So when I was married at the age of 20 it wasn't very shocking. My grandmother was married at around that age and my mom was married at 19, so it kind of ran in our blood. Now I definitely should have kept in mind that even though my grandparents marriage was amazing and they stayed happily married up into their deaths, my mom and dad weren't so lucky. They were not only divorced once but twice. Now why I didn't take that in consideration baffles me. My dads a complete asshole, might as well just put it all out there. I guess since I have always known this I never thought in a million years I would fall for the wrong guy. That because I grew up with a single mother I had some kind of jerk radar that helped me choose who to date and then go on to marry. Well let me tell you that radar does not exist and I am a complete idiot for thinking it ever did. Now I feel kind of bad calling my ex a jerk. He isn't exactly a jerk, he just has more problems then he would care to admit. In fact in his mind he has zero problems, that he's perfect. Which that in its self is a problem; obviously nobody's perfect. But anyways this post isn't about him it's about what this stupid divorce has done to me. The thing is everybody I know seems to be searching for the same thing in life......love. That's all my friends, tv, and movies talk about. It is literally everywhere. So it's really difficult to exist in a world where everybody is searching for the one thing that I had and absolutely destroyed me; the one thing that I don't believe in anymore. I know, this is very cynical of me to say. I am not trying to crush other people's dreams or be pessimistic, but that's just how I feel. Now this post isn't just about love; I am writing this because I am confused about, well.......everything. How can I be so happy and so unhappy at the same time? That is the question that runs through my head every single day. And I seem to be alone in this, nobody I know is going through the same thing I am and none of my friends understand how I feel. So that's why I have come here. I just need a place to write down all my thoughts and feelings because otherwise they just wonder around my brain all day long. So I guess ill end my first blog post now since I am getting tired and I'm just rambling on. I'm sure this post barely makes any sense, I'm tired and very scattered brain, so please forgive me. 

[tiredteacherlife]

John Krasinski wrote what’s inside the card at some point prior to us shooting the scene for A.A.R.M. and it is a private message to his co-star and dear friend, Jenna Fischer. They are the only ones who knows what it says. She read it for the first time when he gave it to her in the first take we shot and I can tell you that judging from her emotional response, it’s really something special.

[tiredteacherlife]

[tiredteacherlife]

[tiredteacherlife]

I am obsessed with this blog!

Are you a teen? This blog is just for you!

[tiredteacherlife]

[tiredteacherlife]

[tiredteacherlife]

[tiredteacherlife]

[tiredteacherlife]

[tiredteacherlife]

OH MY GOD!

[tiredteacherlife]

The Office! My favorite show of all time!!! 

[tiredteacherlife]

[tiredteacherlife]

[tiredteacherlife]