tn4na

[tn4na]

18012023

already, it’s my last night in thailand. i have to be up in just over three hours. i have had a wonderful time here. it sucks to leave. even though i have no friends here, it sucks to leave.

i really enjoy being with my family. the slow pace of things here. i can’t have everything all at once, but i have a lot of what i need right here. funny that i’m so sad to leave when i was sad not that long ago about not seeing my friends. but of course i would be sad to leave.

things are quite wonderful here. we’re well off, and we have a car to drive. all my family is here. it makes me happy to see my dad happy and be able to go out with him. all those nights we stayed home—maybe i should’ve racked up the energy to go out. oh well.

really, i think it makes me most happy to see my dad happy. to see that he has so many people here that care about him. this time around, he’s talked more about moving here. which i agree with. which motivates me to do something in the future that allows me to consistently come here.

today, we visited somewhere that my dad’s family lived when he was young, the four of them. i won’t go into it, but it’s not somewhere you really expect someone to live. and it struck me once more how hard he’s worked and how lucky i am to have such great parents and such a comfortable upbringing. it reminded me also of the time, just recently, when he said he studied the things that were the hardest in school because he thought they would make him the most money. and he loves what he does.

before that, we had gone to the marble temple. i think that’s the english name. it was close to closing, and it was so peaceful. the sky was beautiful. we weren’t gonna go in because i was wearing a tank top, but the person told us to go anyways. it was beautiful. i had never seen it so empty. i want to remember how all consuming that peace felt.

[tn4na]

16012023 from my laptop the fact that i type from my laptop means that i could probably also just open my journal. but i really do get to write more this way. i suppose prioritizing is not a bad thing. today, i saw my cousins for maybe? the last time this visit? it was very nice to see them. one of them, i only got to see today. but it was a very nice day. it was very nice to see them—made me happy. today has been quite long! woke up, took an hour to really fully wake up. i think i’m gonna wake up earlier for whatever time i have left here. but anyways, i had crises, in my head. cried. was worried about urop things (silly thing to be worried about, because i can stop, whenever i want). felt stressed about spending my dad’s money (he told me that’s silly as well, i’m blessed). felt like this spring, i might be doing too little, or too much. but really, i just have to go with the flow. i have a hard time doing just what i feel like. a lot of times i also shouldn’t do just what i feel like because sometimes that’s rotting in bed while it would really make me feel a lot better to get up and do something. talked to f about all the things i want to explore in the spring, and iap. i think my theme for 2023 is play. to approach things curious, wanting to learn more. really, i just want to try my best. a year of play is a year for process, because that’s where most of the play takes place. this iap, i’ll go to the rink, because i need to move my body, and i made a commitment. i’ll also go to the building 4 practice pianos. asked j for a recommendation for what i should learn next, and he recommended me the polonaise by chopin that people call adieu (op posthumous). i’m excited to learn it. it’s something i’ve heard before for sure, but it’s not like liebestraum, or clair de lune, or these other even more famous pieces. even though this one is famous as well. i think i have a better time learning things that not literally everyone around me knows. it takes a little pressure off, and i feel like i’ll be able to play around with it a lot and come up with an interpretation of it that feels good to me. of course, i don’t actually know how far i’ll go with it, but i’ll try my best. at least for iap. anyways, those are my two independent projects, though i may also ask r or j for help with piano. other independent projects might include knitting a balaclava, or drawing, or just listening to music and observing the world. observing the world is a forever ongoing independent project. as for non independent projects, maybe i’ll learn to paint. i think that would be quite fun. told f that i had been thinking about light, and maybe that i was also thinking about ceramics and painting. but that i’m really resistant to starting things on my own, especially when things require me to buy things. f offered his paints that he bought recently, and also to teach me. since i am not alone in this, i think it may actually go somewhere. that might be another big thing for iap. also, since my dad told me to worry less about money, if there are any art classes that require money, i’ll just spend it. i’m looking forward to these things! scared, in a way. but i’m always doing things that make me scared. maybe not really, but in general, i am able to do things that make me scared. i consider this a positive thing. tomorrow, i’m gonna wake up early so maybe i can go out to lunch with my family. in the afternoon, i have an interview for an internship at the film fest in armenia. i’m not really nervous, but i do wonder if they’ll really think i’m suited for the position. i’ll just write down here all the reasons i want to go:

(i get too distracted on my laptop but anyways) i want to do something different freshman summer, because in the future i’ll be doing more work things. i want to go somewhere to challenge myself in a field that is different than what i may work in in the future, because it will still be relevant to my life.

armenia: in a beautiful region of the world i don’t know much about.

i want to learn more about what makes people. what drives people. lightness and darkness, good and bad, what people think, what people feel. the people i know just in the us and thailand are so different already. and i’ve learned so much just from what’s around me. i think i could learn a lot by being in a region that i’m completely unfamiliar with. i specifically want to learn more about the arts in that area, and the types of things that connect to armenian people. while a lot about everyone is the same, culture matters. where you are matters. i just want to learn

i think that having this general understanding of people allows me to approach the world in a better way. i want to make a clearer picture of how i want to spend my days.

i’ve written for my school newspaper before, and i have an interest in the arts. i’m a hard worker! [examples] and i will be able to live up to the tasks they give me

i think i am setting myself to be very lonely, and i am setting myself up to have to make new friends. i wonder how. i do wonder why i want to put myself through more pain. i think it’s out of fear.

i’m gonna try my best not to think too hard about these things. it’s a year of play. but even being free feels so unnatural to me. it’s like that passage from 1q84—it’s so hard to learn to be anything else. like i would shatter if i relaxed. but it’s okay. i’m working on it. i realized, when i texted j (not all these letters are the same person please remember) that when i go back to boston, i probably won’t see as much of the sky. i’m gonna make an effort to keep looking up.

[tn4na]

14012023 part 2 thoughts from the car

felt lonely again today. can’t quite place it. but the sky was beautiful. it really was.

ate breakfast today n all that, and was late to pick up my grandma. spent the afternoon walking under the beating sun at mueang boran. honestly, quite a nice place. not so cool or trendy, but they do some great things. it was basically an “outdoor museum,” as they called it, where some guy decided it would be good to recreate some important thai monuments and structures all in one place. it wad actually quite fun. still felt lonely, though. maybe i do it to myself.

breast and eggs has also been wonderful. won’t put all my thoughts here, but the picture it paints of womanhood touches me quite deeply. the cast has their problems and their lives, and none of them have anything close to perfect families and lives. i’m describing it quite poorly, so i won’t go on for much longer. but there’s lonesomeness, too. and sadness, and grief, and it feels remarkably honest. and it’s comforting. it makes me feel less alone, and it makes me feel confident that i can find a way to live in the future that makes me happy, and i don’t have to box myself into anything. felt blessed to have anything at all. if i continue making the most out of every present moment, will i still eventually be alone?

sky was remarkable. as i said. we were by the ocean, about the eat dinner, and i felt lonely. then i looked back at the sky, and felt okay again. the sky is the only thing that’s always been there for me. and yknow, the trees, the works. true friends that i’ve relied on.

i really don’t let that many people deep into my life, so the sky is important. it’s the only thing that i can rely on to always be able to keep me company, and it’s never let me down. isn’t that special? isn’t it wondrous and fascinating, how this all works? i look up and i feel small, and the sadness feels small as well. how does that work?

[tn4na]

taken 12012023

bang nok khwaek (idk how to write it in thai). visited where my grandma’s family is buried around a catholic church. not sure what this structure was but the light made me want to keep looking

[tn4na]

14012023 thoughts from bed

i am without my journal. feeling bleh. i had many things i wanted to do that i have not done.

before winter break, i had some thoughts. like. oh, i’ll try to draw over break. and journal, and develop my perception of the world. i have not drawn, i have not journaled. i think i have had some interesting thoughts and observed some things that i will think about. i think i will redownload tumblr so i can collect all my things in one place. maybe i will post this there also.

i hate that i’m so affected by instagram. i think that it plays a consequential role in my feelings of bleh. not that my post didn’t do well, but it still doesn’t really make me happy to think about. i like that it’s there on my profile, but i wish i would stop having thoughts about it beyond that.

my laptop has increasingly become a place where i click the same three buttons and feel nothing inside. my phone use i’m not bothered by. i redid my homescreen so there’s not much there. it’s not like i want to use it, but that sometimes i can’t handle just sitting with myself.

with this much time on my hands, i’m reminded of fall junior year, when i made my first active effort to get off my phone. it was so difficult. but now i don’t have those same instagram rabbit holes i used to. progress isn’t linear, i suppose.

with this much time, i just don’t know what to do. suppose i get off my phone and laptop. well, i guess there’s things to do. i’ve been reading a lot. staring out windows, at ceilings. i really want to play the piano. or draw, or write, or go for a nice walk. but these things require more of me.

i wonder if things would be different if i were alone. i wonder if the bleh comes from the fact that i’m really just here to spend time with my family, and everything else is extra, and sometimes these things are hard to do for reasons i do not wish to control.

i do miss playing the piano. i was never amazing, but i could work hard and be good. and i miss the feeling of having something to work towards, the feeling of craft. i always loved being able to perform a piece, even just for myself. i miss it. and it’s difficult to start again. it’s always difficult to start things just by myself. i still think about that last chopin etude i played.

it’s difficult to start things by myself. that’s why it’s good to have friends, and school. but i feel like i should be a self starter. the only thing i can do by myself is write these personal things that are not meant to be performed anyways. though i do appreciate that. to write without performance is wonderful. it feels almost pure, like breathing. i like this about myself, my ability to write what’s on my mind. even if words don’t capture it all, i’ve tried my best.

and i think i do try my best. did i ever outline goals for 2023? i forget. i only pulled out my journal one time.

i want to draw. i don’t know why. maybe i just want another piano type thing in my life, that’s maybe a bit easier to do on the go. maybe i want to say i draw. maybe i want my doodles to look a little better, or to be able to put my visions down as i see them. the last option makes the most sense. maybe in the future, i will understand these things enough to want to make art, but i doubt it. i feel like i’ve seen an okay amount of art—paintings, sculptures, etc. these things don’t make me feel so deeply though. i mean, just in general. some stuff does make me feel. but for the most part it’s books, movies, music. the natural world. water. more than anything, light. i want to capture light. light and water.

nothing is as striking to me as these two things, although a lot of things about nature are also striking to me. a truly deep breath of fresh air is also very profound.

maybe i start my artistic journey in search of capturing light and water. how they make me feel. i think that makes a lot of sense. like what it feels to stand at the edge of the ocean. to walk into a cold lake. to listen to the sounds and smell the salt. to walk into a room and be struck by the lighting, to look at the trees and see the lush green, to wake up early on a winter morning and be accompanied by nothing but the sun…

it’s really more about what these things bring out in me, isn’t it? is that the point i’m getting at? can’t be sure. trying my best to understand.

i think i should also try to think more about photography. i’ve liked trying to capture things for a while just on my phone, but maybe i should try something more serious. or even just look back at what i have to see what i’ve been doing. i’m gonna buy a hard drive so i can take stuff off my phone and laptop, too. i’m running out of storage.

i should look at the world and think about what i want to capture. in whatever it is i do. the next step is figuring out how. or maybe just learning basic skills first.

i kind of hate how much more i can write when i write on my phone. i think it’s even better than when i type on my laptop, too. it feels more honest. i love the feeling of pen on paper, but it does tire me out. maybe that’s why i was into voice recordings for a while.

i feel better already after typing all this. it feels like i’m with myself again. it’s so difficult to be truly alone. even now, i’m not really alone. i checked my email once while writing this. but i’m less alone lately. it’s nice, very nice, but it makes me feel a bit like i have nothing for myself. i guess reading helps with that, too.

for now, my main purpose is to enjoy time spent with family. i really shouldn’t worry about all this. it stays in the background. time with these people is precious. and so is rest. i forgot to mention, i’m in a period of rest.