tnecnivah - Tumblr blog

[tnecnivah]

Her. 9/29

hey babe, I just got done showering.. i was thinking about everything thats been going on, sat in the shower for about 15 min. I want to feel better, i don’t want to feel like this anymore.. i want to find something it doesn’t have to be big but i want something to motivate me.. I want to be happy not only outside but inside as well. idk why im saying all this but your my boyfriend and i want you to be my person, the person i go to when im feeling sad when i feel like giving up, i want you to be my best friend.. You honestly make me so happy, i not only like you but i love you (even though i suck at showing it) I know every argument its because of me, im not perfect but that shouldn’t be an excuse, i don’t understand why i always get mad for the littlest things, i don’t understand WHY.. when you have been through sooo much crap with me and you are still here with me.. I KNOW i don’t deserve you.. I KNOW i don’t deserve your love. I just want to say is that I appreciate you A LOT. Im proud of who you are.. I know you will go back to school one day, its honestly never too late, you will find a career that you’ll love and be passionate about. Baby if you don’t get this job don’t be disappointed.. you are young 24 isn’t that bad lol i know you will be successful & look at you already planning on quitting actually committing to it (proud gf) haha.. & yes i may have a lot on my plate, trying to balance everything and sometimes i feel like giving up and taking a semester off because i cant pay for somethings financially.. you have no idea how badly i want to take you out to a nice restaurant & buy you something small to show you how grateful i am to have you in my life. I know this is long but i need to get this all out of my chest.. I know i say “your future wife etc” but in reality i hope & wish it’ll be me.. I can see you’ll be great husband but also a good father.. We almost make three amazing & terrible (sadly because of me ) months and i hope to make more AMAZING/MEMORABLE months/years with you.. I love you, now im going to study haha

[tnecnivah]

Gut feelings

"I just wanna say that I miss how we use to be back then. I look back and think man I missed out on such a good chance with such an amazing girl. I wish things had really worked out for us because that was an amazing summer I had with you, my first date with a girl to the fair, our first date was to the fair. I just hope you understood that a long distance would've been hard, I mean it's not that long, but you understand my current situation with my mom. But I realized I messed up and for some reason I keep thinking about you and wishing you were here hanging out going on food adventures and what not. I'm assuming you've moved on and I wanted to let you know I'm sorry" "I just wanna say that I miss how we use to be back then. I look back and think man I missed out on such a good chance with such an amazing girl. Basically what I'm getting at is that I still have feelings for you. I'm assuming you've moved on but this has just been on my chest for a while and I felt like I needed to tell you" That's what I wanted to say to you at first, but the second text that you got was merely a text brought down straight to the point from the help of Ramy and Davaughn. It wasn't bad, it was actually good because her text after broke me. Me pouring my heart out would have been for nothing. You moved on and you shut me down and it hurts. But I deserve it for what I did and what I missed out on. I'm in Tahoe with my Phi, Stacy and Stacy #2 which is oddly enough Stacy's cousin. She's cute but apparently she just got out of a 4 year relationship with her ex and I'm not trying hard I feel, but I know she's not feeling it. Sometimes I still wonder, is it me physically or just personality wise or just both? I mean I am awkward... But then I think again and I love me for me and I know I will find true love out there one day.

[tnecnivah]

Flume 9/24

This was one of the craziest but most fun day ever. Going out there with Tim and Cruz and accidentally popping a whole purple Instagram or snapchat w/e, either or I meant to bite it and take the other half later but was in the rhythm and fucked up. BUT...it was a good accident because was I feeling it. It hit me so hard I forgot half the things that happened at the concert. But luckily I saved my snaps, and even then I was still a little confused. None the less I wanted a dance with Diane the day I found out she was going to flume. Yes I knew I was gonna be rolling, but even though we aren't talking I still feel like we're good friends, and yes I don't want to play with her emotions or mine, but I really wish I could've had a dance or at least a photo with her that night. Idk if she still has a little bit of feelings for me, but for some reason right now the feelings I had for her are all coming right back. I think it's just the E still kicking in, I hope it kind of is but also kind of isn't. I did really like her and wish we tried, but a LDR just seems too complicated. But right now that complication doesn't bother me like it did at first and Idkw!?¿!? I'm trying to find reasons not to like her again but all those little flaws can always be fixed so it makes it impossible for me to not like her right now. In a week if my feelings for her still feel the same I might just ask her to go to Flume with me one last time when he comes back on December. But there's also snow globe and maybe I'd wanna do that with her. But then again a lot of things can change within the next three months or so. But for right now I need more then just substance, I wanna stop being lonely, I wanna share my day and listen to someone else's day. Yes this sounds very gay but that's how I am and the sad thing is I can't really express how I feel because I know I'll be judged, and you would think why should I care but I do. People say they aren't or won't, but they aren't speaking for everyone. Point is I wanna stop being single and be grounded by someone, and right now that someone is Diane. I've asked for advice and they've all said I should've done something this summer again instead of wait for her to go back to school and try a LDR. The crazy thing is this is only just one of the many thoughts I had that night on life. I just felt this was more important to talk about since I just really wanna find love....

[tnecnivah]

Three

There have only been three girls that I can recall right now as I'm lying in bed at three in the morning on the Fourth of July. Jas makes three and I can't seem to figure out what I did wrong to make her lose interest in me so quick. But maybe I'll save this story for another time when I'm ready, but for now I need to focus on me and move on.

[tnecnivah]

JSRT Where do I start? There's so much that has been happening to me lately and I kinda love it kinda don't. But for starters we'll start with her. Her names Jasmine, we met while I was at work and the rest is history. We've been talking for a little over a month and half now, and I can't seem to shake it, but there's something special about her that I don't want to miss. Yes this might be like one of my many other stories I have, and yes I told myself I wouldn't want to catch feelings, but there's nothing you can do once you're in it. I mean, if things don't work out and go south I'd be devastated, but there's nothing I can do but move on. It didn't hit me until two nights ago when we were face timing and she was asleep and I took a picture of her and it made me realize how deeply I felt for her. The thing is she's a big sex freak and I mean who doesn't love that? But thing is we haven't done it yet but done stuff. And she literally has one of the best tasting pussy out there, plus she gives some of the best head holy geezus. I'm just worried that I can't perform to her needs. Literally. Sad and embarrassing to say but I just feel insecure that way. But she is the highlight of my life and no girl has made me feel this way in such a long time. That's why I'm scared to lose her and I want to let her know but I also don't want to scare her away. But like I said, I've learned from my past mistakes, and losing her will be hard on me, but I'm just hoping that might never happen. Everyday she gives me another reason to like her even more. And everyday I dig myself deeper into these feelings I missed having and sharing.

[tnecnivah]

And hurry up with that album Frank

Kanye sounds like a good guy, he's just trying to make the world a better place, but I hope he's okay and not feeling suicidal with all his tweets going on. But I feel him, he's kinda right about making Taylor Swift famous, I mean she was famous before, but after what he did to her, we felt sorry for her and started paying more attention to her. But on a side note, life has been crazy. Mom found out I vaped, she cried, I cried, it was a crazy moment. But she's still on my case and I've stopped but idk, I'm growing up, she needs to chill. Valentine's just passed, still single, apparently had a chance with my friends roommate, but I was too much of a puss, I kinda miss my ex? But only as a fwb kinda thing, but I mean still really good friends after I would hope. But also Diane for some reason. I'm just trying to be acceptable of myself. I hate compliments and I hate me idk why. But I also hate being so picky because I'm tired of being so lonely. But I always, and my friends always say I can do better. So why not aim for an A when you'e gonna try anyway.

[tnecnivah]

Where is Frank Ocean?

Monday night with the made me feel the warmth that I felt I had been missing from my own family in a long time. It also opened my eyes to the fun and joy I wanna have one day when I become a father. Baby Leila was just too cute and precious that I wish she was mine. Watching everyone say their goodbyes and giving such warm hugs and tears flowing down faces while they try to wipe it away made me miss a time where my own family use to do that. I don't know, maybe it's me, maybe I just feel disconnected with everybody. Then again if any of you were to ever read this you'd probably think differently. I can say I don't feel the love from anyone, but obviously there is love from a lot of people. Besides my family (dad, mom, sis) I'm talking about my cousins, I just don't feel the love from them anymore, sometimes I feel as if they treat me as a failure, or compare me to Phi, or even talk about how I was mean to my sister. Yes I regret being the mean older brother, but that's how family is, you grow up with mean or nice siblings whatever, but talking shit about me is even more fucked up and thinking I won't know about it. Things change and times have changed and I'm a better brother now, or so I would hope my sister thinks so because I do love her with the bottom of my heart, just like I love everybody else. But again if you were to read this and think you love(d) me too, I don't feel it and I don't know why. It's hard to explain but not even some of my friends are there for me. I just wanna find someone like how Angelica found David. I'm glad for her because David is really good to her and that night proved to me not just how good of a man he is, but also a good friend. He didn't do anything wrong that night in my eyes, but he felt as if he did and apologized for his actions which takes guts and I applaud him for that. I just wish Frank Ocean would hurry and release that album of his, it's been July to me for months now and I need a good cry because I haven't cried in so long. I feel like I need a good cry and Monday was the closest to it. I just want to make it big somehow, (obviously everybody else does) but what I wanna do with my money is feed the people who fed me. What some people are saying is that as long as I'm happy that I don't need to do anything for people..or something along the lines of that. But they're missing the point, what will make me happy is knowing I can help people who have helped me in my times of sadness, need, and pain. I always wonder if my friends or family will ever find this one day. Like what if they found this if I was alive? Dead? Hopefully 2016 will be a better year.

[tnecnivah]

Family, friends, & maybe one day love

I just wanna find love. Or just someone who's down for me like I'm down for them. No more flakes and no more excuses. I'm tired of acting like I don't care when I really do. Like, I don't REALLY care, but then of course it bothers me, but then again, does it really? Get it? Again I'm just tired of life, if I had someone to ride with me, it'd make it just a little more bearable.

[tnecnivah]

One of those nights ...

I think of my life as all a big mystery. I just wanna know if I'm successful in the future. It's been a rough time lately dealing with school and picking out classes, to thinking of the future, to your friends/co-workers hating you and still here being single af because you can't charm a girl into liking you. Classes picked out and paid for, all that's left are finals. Then coworkers hating me because I was being a bit too blunt with them. I don't care what people do with their lives, if they do what makes them happy then let them do what makes them happy. But I can state my own opinion about things all I want. For example, I have a coworker, we'll call her J, has an ex BF who is crazy as hell and they've been dating for three years. Long time yes, but if the relationship is bad, you leave and don't question it every time you get back together. My coworker D, likes her and wonders if he should go for her, and I told him she keeps going back to her ex and she's fake and crazy for that because she is, she knows she's playing D when she knows he likes her, but continues to talk to her ex, and like I said, I just stated my opinion of honesty and told him they wouldn't end up together in the long run, but said hey you never know, anything can happen and I could be proven wrong, but what I saw was if he really liked her, go for it, idc, all I knew was it wasn't gonna last, if he wanted to fuck, then fuck. But again, someone told J I said she was crazy which is kinda true right now, but you can't get mad at me for putting out my own statement, it's not like I hate you, I was being honest. It's not like you or anyone has never talked shit about me? But my point being is that this is all dumb. I don't care if J hates me, even if M hates me. I just don't want them to think that if I tell them to do something at work that they think I'm overusing my power or picking on them because it's not like that, but they'll make it seem like that because I know how they all act, I was in that little circle of gossip, I know how they treat others. But again, do I care? No. They can hate me all they want, they're still cool to me but it's w/e, fuck it. Then there goes my sorry story of a love life. I want a relationship, but the more I think about it, I feel like I can't compare to the ex and that I might just be a sad excuse for a BF. What if she's not down for me really? Idk. That's why I keep telling myself and (slowly hinting at some girls) that I'm young and just trying to have fun. Basically getting laid by some of my coworkers or girls I'm "trying" to talk to. I like this girl initialed M.C. But she seems really smart and not intimidating but just super mature or me while I kinda want a girl with a bit of a kid side. She's beautiful though. Hopefully we're to go ice skating tomorrow but we'll see. I just wish I had someone special in my life. It'd make living just a little more worth it because I hint to everyone that I don't mind dying right now this very second because I really don't. I sometimes wish someone would kill me, or is get in an awful accident (that's not my fault) haha but idk, I'm just scared for my future. I feel that (almost) dying would prove to me who actually cares about me. I know I haven't made a big impact to a lot of people, but I try to make little ones like paying for lots of things. I don't have a lot in my bank account, and my mom always asks me where my money goes but I don't tell her anything. Like tonight I wanted to pay for a girls meal after work eating pho, but she wouldn't let. She was cute, but she's 17 so a little too young haha, but I like to pay for people just so in that moment they'll think "man this guys kinda sweet" because let's be real, I don't have the biggest self confident, but I always like to just buy things for people and feel a little big and rich even though I die a little on the inside haha. There's just something about paying for a girls meal, even if it's not a date, that just feels like they'll like you a little more in that time for that split second, maybe even consider giving you a chance. Idk, I overthink my chances with girls a lot. Not even gonna lie, sometimes I even hope they'd give me a little extra, or let me give them a little extra if you know what I mean¿ But I'm still looking for that one special someone. Still waiting for a miracle or for me to end up in a hospital. I'm tired. Help me. Someone love me, be my friend. Work isn't exhausting, but people not liking me isn't bothering me because I could care less, I was doing good before I met them, and I can do just fine again without them, but the awkwardness of having them there just makes me idk, it's just weird because we all know there's tension. I just wish people had the same mindset like me sometimes and not give a fuck. It makes life a little easier because you don't care as much. But w/e, they'll know they're wrong and apologize sooner or later, and if kit, they're gonna have to talk to me soon because I'm only talked to when they need a favor. But that's how life is, there are those people that talk to you only because they want a favor. I'm just trying to live and love one day at a time. If I die I just wanna be remembered as the one guy who was nice, sweet, paid for things when he didn't and shouldn't have to, and just a sweetheart overall who told bad jokes all the time.

[tnecnivah]

What could be, or what should be?

Didn't think I'd like an Asian girl. But for some reason, there's something special about her, she's cute, funny, smart, AND has a fatass appetite like me, what more can a guy want? Idk, just sucks that she goes to school that's two hours away. Yeah that's not far, but in my situation it kinda is. I just wish we could've worked things out and maybe give it a shot. It might be the jealousy of me kicking in, but I also hope it's more of the fact that I really care about her, which I really do. It's just tonight made me want her more and I don't know why. But if it's not me, some lad will be lucky enough to have her and call her his.

[tnecnivah]

July 4-5

Crazy night tonight. Crazy day. Sad news was my best friend says he's leaving work to focus on his own things which is understandable, and he said that a while ago, but I feel like today was when I pushed him a little too far with my honesty. But we ended it with a crazy night with the cops. One for the books.

[tnecnivah]

It's my birthday

It’s 1:11am, I’m just here and I got 3 birthday text and 1 call from my best friend Ali at about 10 because she’s in her finals week at UCSB so she needs the sleep and it was really sweet of her to call even if it was before 12 because it still means a lot. I don’t care to say or tell people it’s my birthday, but I just want them to know, you know? I don’t want to be an attention whore by throwing myself out there in the spotlight, but I love the attention, I mean who doesn’t? It would just be nice to be like one of those people you see get bombarded with texts, calls and notifications that they can’t keep up with. I know people love me, but I just don’t feel it. Even my two best friends, one I truly love to death, and the other I love as a brother didn’t say anything right now and it’s understandable I mean, but ehh, I’ll just brush it off like any other problem. What’s funny is I got a text from Lexus which I for some reason thought it read Lucy in my mind because that’s who I thought had texted me, I just checked it a minute ago and realized the way I texted back to Lexus was meant in a way for Lucy, but I still meant every word none the less, there were just inside jokes she probably wouldn’t have got that’s all. But I don’t know how to feel right now that it’s 1:24, sad I guess? Happy 20. A year that’s kinda pointless before 21 in my opinion. Cheers.

[tnecnivah]

When people want something, they usually go after it and don't stop until they have it in the grasp of their hands. If they keep saying that they want it, but make no effort into getting it, do they really want it now?

[tnecnivah]

Random moment passing by

Can I just hold someone body to body, hers in front of mine, in the nude feeling each other's warmth, kissing her neck once, telling her I love her, and me, having that feeling of not wanting to let go... to let go of her and the moment.

[tnecnivah]

If I had a gun, I'd probably think twice before releasing it in my mouth

[tnecnivah]

I was hoping to get a text from you today because it would've meant so much to me. But you never texted me. I thought you said we were friends, and after today, after I couldn't get a simple happy birthday, I see how things are. Thanks for the memories and fun times we had. After today, you showed me that you've truly moved on to not even be my friend anymore. So I must do the same to you and forget about you.

[tnecnivah]

After what happened tonight, I really wanted to call you and just tell you a simple hello and hope you're doing okay. But I was too busy taking care of my best friend who just got hit by a truck. I'm still thinking why he got hit instead of me. It still boggles my mind and I wish I could talk to you about it right now, but times passed and it's too late now. It's 4:35am and I think calling you would be useless. But then sometimes I wish I got hit just to see if you or really any of my friends would come.