tobe-calm

[tobe-calm]

13.03.23, 0103hrs

wow. it's been a hell of a long time since i had any posts.

this journaling thing is really ... inconsistent. it was consistent, i think, for a short while, and then it didn't.



so what happened in - the few and far-between?

i graduated with a BSc in nursing practice in July (the first of the best day of my life ever, if you ask me)

i got a cat (she makes me the happiest, although i am always waking up way before my waking hours to feed her attention and love. millie is truly like a baby, she is my baby.)

i let my past go. his presence in my life had never meant to be permanent despite my wanting it. some things you just can't force, i don't think.

i worked myself into opening up and allowing myself to be vulnerable, for me to accept the love i know i deserve. it took me losing him to know i could not live without him. it took me, seeing him with someone else, for me to realize the amazing and genuine love that i had let go.

August 1st, 2 years after we first started talking, with gaps here and there, and for the first time in my life at 25, i have a boyfriend. a boyfriend. who would have thought?

enrolled me (sponsored - ahem), in school the same year, but in October. people tell me i am crazy, for chasing studies (aren't you tired of studying? i can never study as much as you do, etc. well okay?). chose an advanced/specialised diploma in orthopedics because it reminds me of him somehow and ortho has always been close to my heart.

fast forward to today, i don't know when these conversations started or maybe we had eased into it naturally - everything with him feels natural, it's like walking into a space and knowing almost immediately that you are home, and you're walking straight into love - but we have started talking about things that matter. things like any normal couple would: health issues, financial standpoints, emotional, physical, and mental well-being, our irks and what makes us tick, reasons that draw us closer, talks about a wedding and a married life together, living together and having kids together.

we've eased into the meet-the-parents sessions, hopefully, there are not many judgments from his end about me, and i am still very nervous every time i meet his mother + i don't know how to address her as (ms. ? mrs. ? mom?)

USS. a lot of USS, but we've never been to USS from the first time we have known each other. never set foot to USS but we've had a whole lot of it.

me realize that i am writing a lot about him in this post and that is because my core memories and my favourite moments have always been with him.

that is all, i'm afraid.

it is dull but exciting. i would not have life any other way.

[tobe-calm]

looking at myself through the dark screen of my macbook and im literally sat here, crying while looking at the person in the reflection.

how can she endure so much yet remain patient and undeniably kind - even to those who did her wrong?

how can she have so much self control? does she see how strong she is?

it's amazing how she can make ends meet yet withholding secrets of her struggles.

it's amazing how she can heal people with her mere hands, brains, heart, her mere presence but yet she's destructive to herself.

it's amazing how much she gave even when it means giving all that she had, with nothing left for her.

she's amazing, she's fucking badass, hella admirable.

but why am i so pathetic.

are we the same person?

the person in the reflection is all that i want to be; strong, brave, empathetic, resilient.

but i don't think i'm that girl in the reflection. i'm not all that.

I'm not her.

[tobe-calm]

you will always feel like my long way home.

in a good way.

one with a breathtaking view, spending more time together, reluctance to leave each other, always craving for more

but eventually we’ll reach our destination

and then we’ll go on our separate ways

[tobe-calm]

i dreamt of you btw, and

my parents loves you in that dream

and you were being so good to me and so protective (in a good way) bc, after chancing upon my mum while we were out, she suggested that all of us head home tgt (you heading back to my place) and when we’re seated in the bus, a bunch of guys (lol) were outrightly staring at me and some of them were trying to take unconsented photos of me and you were being so protective of me, while my mother tried to scold all of them.

for some reason you’re being so touchy w me - like you kept holding my hand, pulling me close to you, and making that small rubs with your thumb on my hand and though it did nothing to deter the eyes of those men, you made me feel comforted a bit.

you even shield me away from their prying eyes bc even tho i donned on my hijab, you still valued me as a person and everything else i stood for (the fact that i didn’t like being photographed in the first place and when this incident happened, i hate it even more)

and throughout the whole entire ride, you made sure i was safe, and made sure that my mum was being safe too.

and it did something to me but more importantly i felt a huge sense of gratitude for having look after me and my mum even in my dreams.

plus, it seems like my mother acknowledged you as someone for me bc she never has acknowledged any guy that stands by me

so ya - i thought id tell you that

[tobe-calm]

journaling is much easier than having to write a 4k word report/dissertation that is due in 2 couple of days

i had a dream. its been a while since i had any, and it had to be about you.

i had a dream, and despite you being in it, i was thoroughly saddened and heartbroken by it. just what is the Universe trying to tell me?

i had a dream, you sauntered into a restaurant with a girl in tow, you were holding her hand (or was she holding yours? i couldn't tell)

and despite the growing blurriness of my vision, i saw you clearly, guiding her towards your table, taking out the seat and pushing her in towards your table. (where had this act of chivalry come from? why didn't you do it with me?)

and you sat, facing towards me but in the moment you caught my eye, i blinked and you were gone. (why did you leave? did you think i was affected by your presence? or was it you by mine? regardless, i was. very much. truly, affected by seeing you with someone else and i thought, ah, did you finally had it in you to find someone to settle down with?)

i looked everywhere for you, i'm getting whiplash from the desperation of trying to find you. you were just there, a second ago. (why did you have to leave? were you embarrassed or is this an act of kindness? that you wanted to spare me from the embarrassment of seeing that i still have nothing while you, probably, have everything?)

and for some reason, i had been carrying a pair of your shoes in my bag (was it new? had it been well worn? i couldn't tell, but i had it. out of all things, instead of a sweater, or a cap, or your jacket, i had your shoes). it was my last chance at seeing you again. do i return it back in hopes of seeing you again? or do i want to hold onto it a bit longer, just so i could have that remaining one last chance to see you again? which one? why does it have to be this complicated?

delayed gratification be damned.

two steps at a time, i ran up the stairs leading up to the second floor of the restaurant and there you were, cozying up at a little corner table and no one else was around. (i am bothered. very much. by the fact that they put you with her, on the second floor with no one around. the first floor wasn't even crowded to begin with!)

i felt everything all at once. i felt everything everywhere - anger clouding my head, my judgments dulled, resentment lingered in my chest, pounding my heart with its balled fists, anxiety danced in my tummy, bringing nausea right up to my throat. so much more. there was so much emotions i couldn't name all of it - its a sensation overload that momentarily, i am dulled.

and though my emotional and mental state does not warrant me to be the kind of unforgiving jerk that i had become, i did it because i wanted you to see me. i wanted you to remember that this, is what you made me do. this is my unbecoming, since you.

so i stormed across the dining hall with your shoes in my hand, your gaze burning into my skin, a thick fog of anger and resentment (for you) clouding my vision and thoughts, i threw your shoes right in the water fountain right next to your missus, and stormed off. drenched be damned. she be damned. you, be damned.

this is my unbecoming and what has become of me.

this is me, after you.

[tobe-calm]

it’s always this:

you want to settle down with the one who doesn’t

and

you don’t want to settle with the one who does

[tobe-calm]

had a dream about a junior colleague at work

and i’m fkin flustered asf but i shouldn’t

because he has a gf 💀

[tobe-calm]

i hate the skin that i'm in tonight.

everything feels tight, tender and out of place.

neither here nor there

neither sufficient nor inadequate

this nor that.

i hate the skin that i'm in tonight

but it'll shed off in time,

and i hope for the best

[tobe-calm]

good heavens.

slept with chase atlantic in my ears and i dreamt of some semi-explicit stuff that turned me into a wiggling and moaning mess.

good heavens, Lord bless my soul.

[tobe-calm]

moulding myself to meet/accommodate to someone’s else’s needs is so tiring.

why can’t a rs be like having a best friend who doesn’t expect anything from you, let’s you be who you wanna be, doesn’t blow your phone when you don’t text them/etc

why can’t a rs be like the rs i have w my girls? good Lord it’s so tiring having to keep reassuring someone, to keep texting even when im not in the mood, to keep gg out for the sake of being in “close proximity”

why is dating so hard.

[tobe-calm]

am i the only person who thinks that absence does not necessarily make the heart grow fonder?

[tobe-calm]

googling lady health concerns bc no one taught me these things.

[tobe-calm]

happy at the thought of taking an MC but killing myself at the thought of actually having to go to the Drs to get that sick leave cert *gags*

[tobe-calm]

maybe i am the introverted girl version of a toxic extroverted fuqboi who likes the thrill of the chase but then backs off the moment he gets the girl.

the flirt who cannot commit.

devastating. tragic. horrific,

truly.

[tobe-calm]

my cry for help lol

liking someone when you're an introvert is sO. hard.

i'll keep my feelings to myself, i act differently around you, hoping that you'll notice me.

so when you finally notice me, i'd want to be your friend - and i'll try my v best to be that kind of friend that leaves a hUge impression on you - maybe you'll notice from the way i speak, the way i think, the way i act, my whole personality really. which then leads to me brimming with emotions i don't know if i can contain them all.

as if im a plastic bottle filled with boiling water and shaken to satisfaction. only to explode when opened.

only to explode when i let my walls/guard down - and then i find myself spilling (emotions i was not ready to be accountable for) all over - like a hot mess™ (totally stealing this line from a dear friend, bc we're all hot messes aren't we?)

so now our feelings are known.

and you'd want to walk me home. accompany me to work. text me on a daily basis. go out. see my face, even for a hot minute, in the flesh when you made a detour to my place. expect me to pull a rapunzel and go down to meet you every time you called. disrupting my peaceful balance and bombarding me with your wants and needs.

this is what i hate most about being in a non-platonic relationship. tOo much obligation, my introverted self is cringing.

so how do i tell someone that i like them, but i don't necessarily want to spend time w them. lol. i like my own space too much to surrender it to anyOne that is not my girlfriends.

God, help me.

[tobe-calm]

was on my way home from work and i had a thought.

what if, hypothetically speaking, am not cut out for the romantic stuff in life? you know, the falling in love, the gazing into each other's eyes, the hand holding, the "stay-by-you-regardless" moments?

what if i, only, enjoyed the thrill. the rush, the flirtations, the heat-of-the-moments?

what then?

[tobe-calm]

spilled thoughts #1

"you know," pops began, his head slightly turned to the side to exhale whatever remnants of his pollution on a stick from his mouth or lungs, creating thick wisps of pungent clouds, that unfortunately blows into the faces of his loving, innocent grandchildren.

his amused honey brown eyes met with sage's. the corners of his mouth pulled upwards in a gentle smile, smoothing out the wrinkles around it.

"life is but an adventure. you never know what you are going to expect." he continued slowly, articulating his words so carefully as if he wanted sage to remember it. remember what he had told her.

"it is like, having a stomach ache and you assume that you want to take a huge dump, only to realize that all you need is a good fart."

by the side, the twins, rue and rosemary, snickered. they have always found it funny when their pop creates funny analogies - or so it's called.

"like when you feel like throwing up but all you need is a good burp?" dill said awkwardly, trying to bridge the silence.

pop smiled. "of course. it's exactly like that."