tofuchi

[tofuchi]

Okay, but what if your lips touched mine, huh? What if we held hands and fell in love? 😤

[tofuchi]

Being told I undoubtedly have the potential to reach for Nationals before I age out of being a Senior but being given the pass to supplement my training with steroids if I were very serious was heartbreaking. I know it’s prevalent and not at all a secret within weightlifting but at my core, I am naive. I’m not going to taint any of my finishes with anything that isn’t 100% my own effort.

I’m adding yet ANOTHER training day to fit in accessories even though I’m already tired right now after 5 days a week. Most of our other lifters train 2 - 4 days a week and I’m doing 6. I’ll be training every day Monday - Saturday now just to get barley stronger. I’m even changing my fucking work schedule to accommodate training — I’m starting work earlier Monday - Thursday so I can leave after a half day on Friday. Once CrossFit’s 24 hour access is opened to our membership, I also told my coach I’m ready to start doing two-a-days to fit in even more things. I’m trying. I’m tired and there are days I cry because I’m not where I want to be but I’m trying so hard. And I’ll keep crying before I I train dirty.

[tofuchi]

I think for a while I felt like I needed to hide how I felt for my boyfriend because I have this fear that people look and just think “there’s boyfriend number 1,265, how long will this last?”

I know how I felt before. I know that with each relationship prior, something was missing. I never looked at someone like they made the sun shine. I never felt a warmth to my core every time someone touched me or when I heard their voice. I didn’t ever feel like there was nowhere else I’d rather be than with that person. I never used to stop what I was doing to just tell someone “I love you so much.”

At some point, part of me wrote it off and thought that kind of love was something I’d never have. Maybe I just didn’t have the right personality for that kind of love. But I do. I always have. If I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have sadly acknowledged the lack of it in my relationships. I wouldn’t have longed for it, wishing for something to click for me. Now it’s all I feel and I never want it to end.

[tofuchi]

I fell in love with my best friend without realizing it. Through drunken nights at our old gym, nights at Wang Chung’s, and every single shitty CrossFit workout we did together. And then you finally kissed me not knowing how I’d react.

I look at you every day with love and wonder. I have never, ever felt this way about anyone ever. You’re it for me. That’s all that was written for me: you.

[tofuchi]

I’ve never wanted to cry as I talked to someone because of good feelings. I love you so much and I don’t know what to do with myself sometimes. I’ve never been this openly loving or vulnerable with anyone and it’s terrifying but also freeing. I’m used to being aloof and masking my feelings to some extent, but I’ve also never experience feelings this strong. I can’t hide how I feel and I can’t help but do really lame things like make a photo of you and our pets my phone wallpaper or tell you I’ll miss you as soon as you walk out the door for work. I’m overwhelmed constantly, but in such a new and good way.

[tofuchi]

Instead of writing emotional posts here, I got a pen and to-do list page from my notebook at work and wrote my feelings down on paper, folded it up, and stuck it in my partner’s bag last night to find today at work. He ended up finding it and reading it before he left for work this morning despite my protests (it’s like someone opening a gift I got them in front of me…I don’t like it). Even though the feelings I feel are all good ones, they’re just hard to say sometimes. I write more eloquently than I speak so I did that and finally directed it at him and not the internet. And he cried…and that makes me love him and his big, soft heart even more.

[tofuchi]

You chose me and you choose me every day. The first words out of your mouth every morning are either “I love you” or “good morning, my favorite person.” Your eyes are still closed but you can feel me rolling out of bed. You’ve told me countless times that you liked me basically as soon as we met but just never thought it would happen because I had a boyfriend. On your birthday, she took off of work to hang out with you and you chose to hang out with me. When she was texting and calling when we were together, you’d either ignore her or tell her you were busy and couldn’t talk. She used to get mad because you wouldn’t text her while you were with me and our friends from the gym, but when you were with her, you had no problem texting me all day or all night. You constantly post photos of us or the things we do together but in the 1+ year before us, you never once posted a photo of her or even mentioned her in anything. You wouldn’t even tell us her name until you let it slip one night at dinner and we all immediately looked her up under your Followers list on Instagram.

I’ve told you I’m just scared that you’ll do the same thing to me. And you always tell me that that’s ridiculous because you’d never do it to me. You wanted me for so long that you’d never, ever do that to me. I was hung up on you ending your relationship with her out of her anger. I felt like she made the decision, not you. But until then, I withheld my feelings too, because I left like I was in limbo so I left you there.

You tell me you’ve never felt this way about someone before. Ever. Yet, the doubt still creeps into my head sometimes. I guess being hurt once was something I never got over. And instead of moving past it, I kept my guard up and bulldozed over other people because that’s what had been done to me by both parties — my partner and the person they fooled around with. Instead of growing, I only learned to play both roles while still expecting fairytale love. And that’s on me.

[tofuchi]

We were watching Jane the Virgin and cuddling on the couch the other night. When Young Jane asked her mom what love feels like and her mom responded by saying that it feels like your heart is glowing, it made me feel silly for thinking I knew what that felt like. But I do, because I feel it now. I haven’t felt this way in a really long time. My last relationship should’ve made me feel that way, but it didn’t. The one before that did on a few occasions, but it was so toxic and unhealthy that I prefer to just not think about it at all.

The first boy I loved laid in my bed when I was 15 years old and told me that I’d been to a place in his heart that no one else had been. And I’ve been chasing that kind of warmth for 13 years and I finally have it now, and from a person I never expected it to come from. And that’s what makes me cherish this warmth and comfort and happiness even more.

I’m finally deeply happy with every aspect of a person. I’m not trying to change someone or hoping someone will change. I’m not trying to change parts of myself for someone. I love all of him and he loves all of me, and even when I’m what I perceive as “being shitty,” he’ll remind me that loving me means he wants all of me, not only the good parts on my good days. He’ll tell me it’s on him to turn my bad days into better ones.

I’m in a very good place. Falling in love with one of your best friends is a game changer, truly.

[tofuchi]

I have to shut my brain off or disconnect it from my heart or something. It’s doing the thing again where I get stuck in my head and only focus on bad feelings. But I’m not just focusing on bad feelings. I’m latching on to them, milking them, and wallowing in the bad feelings. I make up scenarios in my head and run along with them until I feel awful and like I need to peel my skin off. I haven’t felt this way in a very, very long time.

[tofuchi]

Floral triceratops by Vallavica

[tofuchi]

10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU (1999), directed by Gil Junger

You know, there’s a difference between like and love. I like my Skechers but I love my Prada backpack.

[tofuchi]

After talking to friends last night, our relationship was put into a new perspective for me. I was moving at such a fast pace, and changing at the same pace, and we met and you wanted a relationship. I didn’t and I eventually just said ok because I liked you. But I didn’t stop changing. I started CrossFit and that changed me even more. I poured all of myself into it because it made me happy. You stopped playing music (Covid was out of your control, I know), you stopped playing tennis. You just played video games and watched anime and waited to hang out with me. I was honestly relieved when you went back to school for nursing because it meant you’d be studying and I had time to myself. I existed outside of our relationship and that was where I flourished.

Then I met someone who also loves to play video games and watch anime, but who also pours all of himself into the gym and his goals.

I tried to make the pieces fit with you because it made sense. But I quickly realized that’s what it was but I kept trying to make it work because there wasn’t actually anything wrong with you. You didn’t hurt me, you were actually incredibly kind to me. But it just didn’t click. I clicked with him immediately and over the next year, we became really close friends while I was existing at the gym in my space, while you waited for me at home. And one night, he decided, “I’m going to kiss her” and I made the decision to let it go far past that. I made choices and I own up to them. I don’t lie when people ask me if I cheated on you. I wanted that spark. I wanted butterflies in my stomach when someone touched me. I wanted to want to kiss someone all day. I wanted to want to stay in bed all day making love. And we never had that…but he and I do. From the moment he kissed me, at that very moment, I thought about you for a second or two but then my mind went straight to “fucking finally” and I lost myself in him. He pulled me on top of him and told me he’d wanted me for such a long time and it hit me like a bus that I did too. And that’s the kind of spark I’ve been chasing. And I don’t feel bad for choosing what I wanted and what made me happy. I didn’t do it the best way at all but I didn’t let myself stay where I no longer wanted to be. You didn’t make me unhappy. At all. But everything was dull and muted and safe. It didn’t excite me and it didn’t make me want…you or what we had. And that’s just what it was. Indifference.

[tofuchi]

I guess dating a creative, I should’ve expected and been fully prepared to have songs written about me and our relationship after we broke up. Still, it’s strange. I hope I don’t ever hear them.

[tofuchi]

I love you. I loved you when you made me dance with you in the kitchen and twirled me around. I loved you when you had the blanket over our heads in the living room and said it was a time-stopping blanket so I wouldn’t need to leave for work. I love you.

[tofuchi]

I feel like I’m still not doing this right. We aren’t “together” but I want to post photos of us. We look great together and I don’t want to hide my affection for you anymore whether it’s through social media (is this a love language? Lol) or at the gym. I was the one who was more aloof at the beginning but I do have a lot of love to give if someone can get it out of me, and you are.

We aren’t “together” because of me, I know that. I need that year to figure out why I am the way I am, but maybe it’s because everyone was missing something. I know I’m still on cloud nine with you but even before we started doing what we’re doing, you checked the boxes. I can’t take my eyes off you. Even when we first met and people at the gym asked if I thought you were cute, I said yes. And I meant it. You’re funny and you make me laugh without trying. We can talk about gym stuff, memes, life stuff, work, tv and movies, anything. We can workout together and compete against each other tooth and nail but in the end, I want you to succeed just as much as I want myself to, and you the same for me. You’re genuinely kind and you truly have the biggest heart out of all of the people I know. You’re one of my closest and dearest friends, and I’m the same for you. And you’ve checked these boxes for the last year without me having any romantic feelings for you. I just knew that even as a friend, you had a lot of wanted I wanted.

The only thing that’s different now is that you kiss my forehead every morning and every night. I lie down on your lap while we watch really awful reality tv before bed. When I started crying at the gym on Tuesday night because my training was going poorly, our coach immediately went to you and told you to make sure I was taken care of after we left the gym and you did.

You make me want to talk about how I feel because you’re open about how you feel. You’re vulnerable with me and no one has ever given me that. One of my exes and I only talked about our feelings out of necessity. We only truly talked when we were arguing or when I was on the verge of a breakdown and being eaten alive by my anxiety and depression. My last ex and I did not talk about our feelings at all in three whole years. I haven’t talked to someone in this safe of a space since I was in therapy. I can tell you how I feel and what I’m afraid of. I can be honest and vulnerable without the fear that you’ll use it against me. And we aren’t talking about these things because I’m angry or cutting myself in the bathroom — it’s because you check on me and want to know what I’m thinking and how I’m feeling. Like you said, my heart is in this, too, so you want to make sure I feel secure, even if this isn’t a “relationship” quite yet.

When you told me that you were falling in love with me, I panicked. And I know you saw it in my face and heard it in my voice. I don’t know how to not be someone’s girlfriend and I wanted this time to just be myself, separate from another person. But I want your love and I feel so special to have it. I know that when you love, you do it fully.

This is a completely novel situation for me to navigate. I always think I know what I’m doing. I’ve spent the last 10 years of my life in relationships — I thought I knew what I was doing. But truly, 7 years of those 10, I was miserable and a prisoner of my own mind and it was exacerbated by that toxic partner. The last 3 could’ve been great but there was no spark and I liked it because it was neutral. I didn’t feel threatened and I didn’t feel like our love was a rollercoaster; there were no low lows, but there were no high highs. With you, life is in technicolor and my heart just feels so full. I thought I could just sleep with you and not think about you at any other time of the day because I thought I could be a bad bitch that way. And I couldn’t. You’re too fucking sweet and when we’re at the gym, all I want to do is nudge your shoulder and hold your hand between our sets. Maybe it isn’t a bad thing that I don’t know how to not throttle my emotions and desire to be someone’s person. Maybe I just wasn’t finding the right one because right off the bat, this felt right. We fit from the moment you kissed me and since then, all I’ve wanted to do is kiss you.

[tofuchi]

When my ex and I broke up, part of me was always waiting for the moment I’d be sad or miss him. It’s been over three years and neither of those has happened. I sometimes dream that I’m back with him, but when those dreams occur, I’m in a panic and I’m aware that I’m with him and don’t want to be, and that I’d for some reason left the relationship I do have, and when I wake up I’m overcome with an incredible sense of relief LOL. I truly hate him. I wasted so much of my life with him and I’ve never stopped being mad at or disappointed in myself for letting myself be so insecure and allowing myself to put up with someone like him.

Those were the most important years or my life. 18 - 25 is when I should’ve been finding myself, meeting new people and dating, and staying out late drinking with friends; instead, I was always with my ex-boyfriend, partially because I didn’t trust him and needed to watch him. He couldn’t misbehave if I was always with him. But he found time when I couldn’t be with him (school or work). And now, that’s taken a toll on my current relationship because I love my boyfriend, but I’ve also met so many people through CrossFit and weightlifting in the last three years and in that environment, most of the people I’ve met and become friends with are men. One has become a really good friend, like low-tier best friend, and he’s the one my boyfriend has honed in on as someone I can’t be with freely. I have to pick and choose my battles to hangout with a friend and sometimes it’s exhausting.

Essentially I want my cake and I want to eat it too. I love being a girlfriend and I love having someone to come home to and hangout with and build a life with, but I also want to do things at the drop of a hat without asking someone if it’s okay, or I want to stay out until 2 a.m. on Friday nights with friends, drinking and talking story, without feeling bad that someone is at home. I’ve acknowledged that, at nearly 28, I’m making up for all the fun I lost between 18 - 25, but it’s just a little taxing…my friend will ask some nights after the gym, “hey, wanna grab something quick or a smoothie from Down to Earth?” and I always say no because I know what my boyfriend will say. I’m hungry after the gym and I get home close to 9pm, so it would be incredibly convenient to just grab food, but I can’t because I don’t want to ask. And I hate feeling like I need to ask. I used to tell my ex-boyfriend that I was doing something or hanging out with someone, but I’m a lot less angry and far more considerate this time so I don’t. Then on the other hand, I have my friend telling me I’m an adult and shouldn’t need to ask for anyone’s “permission” to do anything.

Anyway, at the end of the day, I’m just glad I’ve never had those “awww sad” feelings about my ex like I’d expected and that I do hate him as much as I’d always suspected lol.

[tofuchi]