tomstoast

[tomstoast]

Love getting put into my crate at night #my crate

[tomstoast]

huge as fuck claims court. im suing you for one william dollars asshole

[tomstoast]

[tomstoast]

take my mermaid quiz boy

[tomstoast]

Ok this isn't a bug but I need to share - LOOK at these absolutely minuscule precious little poppies

White pygmy-poppy, Canbya candida, found in Southern California

Photos by keirmorse, mojavedon, and pokemon_master

[tomstoast]

theres nothing "common" about the loon. to me.

[tomstoast]

Hi straight dude on the bus. If you want to act like me taking up MY seat's-worth of space is oppressing you, I can just keep pushing your knees away with mine until I'm sitting in your lap, and it's gonna be gay when it happens.

[tomstoast]

Me and my cousin have an ongoing bit where we pretend we made "slightly better" versions of things where we'll be like.

"That was a pretty good movie, but not as good as my movie, House of 1001 Corpses," or "I guess this song is okay. Kind of reminds me of a song I'm working on called 'Faster Car'."

Never once has it been funny or made anyone but us laugh.

[tomstoast]

you have to get worse. you have to be more fucked up. you can't let yourself be assimilated. you're an artifact of creation and you know yourself so well you shaped your form like glass to bend light. you gotta love how fucked up you and your friends are. there are so many of us and we can't wait to meet you. we're so glad you're here.

[tomstoast]

Crying and putting in a grocery order at the same time like "yeah I feel deeply unlovable and loathsome to my core- oh the generic brand tortillas have 2 more per pack at a better price," like dude my brain wants me to hurt myself and I just want to find the mexican 4 cheese blend in the largest bag possible

[tomstoast]

Do you like my son?

[tomstoast]

I love in grace kelly when mika says he tried "a little freddie" bc it's like mika we are all friends here. let us be honest with one another. there is no way that the amount of freddie that you tried was "a little"

[tomstoast]

Put me in your shopping cart and take me with you while you buy your groceries.. you dont have to buy me anything i'll just watch. But i wouldnt refuse a snack or a treat...

[tomstoast]

I really don't know what to do with the fact that my teeth have been toothpaste flavored for over 24 hours despite much eating and no additional toothpaste. Like what's even happening there. Perplexing.