tornado-s-tale

[tornado-s-tale]

My Heart has it's own Design

At this point I've heard so many opinions and gotten advice, (both wanted and unwanted) from so many people that I think I have reached a saturation point.

Love... is not easy. I never knew it could become so damn complicated even after 1.5 years together. What I'm doing right now.. if my people knew, or if any normal person who just started dating someone new heard about... I think they'd probably say I'm stupid or blind.

I won't say I'm blind in love. It's nothing like that. I know myself enough to understand that my eyes are wide open. And also that even if I do listen, sometimes I don't register it or understand the magnitude of things. I don't want to be like that anymore. I want to be better. In every way possible, but for now, more so they way she needs me to be.

Is this what not letting go and trying to be better even a bit feels like? When you don't completely understand the situation or even yourself but you want to keep trying because in your heart you know that this is exactly what you want?

I think so. I really do. And I definitely know this is exactly what I both want, and need.

I hope and pray that we work out, my love.

[tornado-s-tale]

CO2

and nothing says i love you like your eyes, fill my lips like Carbon dioxide...

maybe you were wrong and i was right. I don't care what you say another night, i just wanna be myself....

Yeah, nothing says I love you like the words that were never said but could be heard. If only there was peace around us babay, maybe you could hear me.

[tornado-s-tale]

Eggshells

I was very happy at first. So happy that I could not process anything but happiness. And so glad, oh I was so damn glad. Then it slowly started sinking in that things are better but all might not be perfect just yet. Things were not perfect before either but at least I didn’t feel or realize that there was a cliff that I could fall down. Right now, even though I might be a mile behind that point, it feels like I’m teetering on the edges of that cliff.

You told me that you couldn’t continue this anymore or didn’t want to because what if we did get back together but then you eventually stopped feeling anything for me. I feel like it’s sort of already began or I’m just so anxious that I take every small thing as a step in the direction of you losing the love you felt for me.

It feels like one small misstep and I will fall down this cliff. One small mistake and I will be back at the point I thought I was going to be forever.

I do not understand what exactly do you feel for me now. Or, for that matter, what you think when you hear my name, or the emotions that bubble up inside you when you think of me. I’m scared each moment and I don’t understand what you feel. I don’t know what exactly it is but your texts feel like they’re just there to show up and get the job done. I don’t know if it’s a conversation or an update or something else.

.

I haven’t felt this soul-crushing anxiety in a while. I don’t even know the last time I felt this anxious. I sort of realize now why I went as cold as an icicle when you said you were breaking up with me the first time. Maybe I subconsciously knew that if I got emotional, I would also be a huge wreck. Maybe I was on autopilot to save myself without even realizing that I was trying to do so. As far as I realize, that is the only reason I didn’t so vehemently oppose what you said then either and was trying to find logical ways to go about it.

I was building mental walls to keep the hurt away for as long as I could. But then, there are no walls now. There’s just me trying as I hard as I can and not having any idea about what I should do or how I should it. What is too much and what is just right? I don’t realize.

This uncertainty of not knowing how you feel is what is gnawing away at me, and I can’t do anything about it. You say you love me but you said that even when you were thinking about breaking up with me. Don’t get me wrong, my love. I love it when you say you love me and it does reassure me. And I’m reassured even more so when you say you’re not going anywhere. But, I don’t think you’ve said that exactly, maybe another version of it though.

.

.

.

I love you, My lil bear. I’m just scared as well, because I love you as I do. And my fear of losing you almost went from a nightmare I never had to my reality.

Just, please let me know about how you feel?

[tornado-s-tale]

Things will change again

Things will change again, but this time not for the worse;

Things will change again, and it might not be beautiful; 

Things will change again; though I never wanted them to;

Things will change again; though not in the way I wanted them to;

Things will change again; though I didn’t want them to;

Things will change again; and I’ll find a new way;

Things will change again; and it’ll definitely be confusing;

Things will change again; and it might put me into hyperdrive;

Things will change again; and I might finally find my peace;

Things will change again; no matter how much I yearn for status quo;

Things will change again; and maybe I’ll love you less;

Things will change again; but a part of me will always yearn for you;

Things will change again; and they already have started to;

.

.

.

I didn’t want this day to ever come and no matter how hard I tried, it has. Things will change, and I will try my best to see that things change for the better, I love you, always have, and always will. You were my first love, and you have left the biggest mark on me among all the wonderful people I’ve come across throughout this short life of mine. 

[tornado-s-tale]

The Obsidian Abyss

Like a mesmerizingly deep obsidian abyss . . . When I first met you, there was no way I'd know; That one day you'd make me feel, That I was staring into a mesmerizingly deep Obsidian Abyss. I thought there was no way I could put it into words, But here I am. Listening to a song. Trying to fathom that boundless depth. There's no end to it. There's no exact definition to it. All there is, is a mesmerizingly deep Obsidian Abyss. When someone looks into an Abyss, the thought does cross their mind for a moment; The thought to jump. Holding nothing back, just giving yourself up; So what happens when you're not staring into just any abyss, But one which is so mesmerizingly beautiful it fills you up and makes you whole? Thinking of the Obsidian Abyss, does make me anxious; But when I'm hurtling through the Abyss, Time seems to slow down ever so much, You could even hear the seconds hand tick after what seems an eternity. It's amusing right? How Hurtling through an boundless depth, makes you feel that time slows down? Well, that's how it feels to traverse through the mesmerizingly deep Obsidian Abyss. There are moments when you want to stop Hurtling through, And just glide as you look at all the little details on the walls, The little details that you couldn't have had an idea, had their own story arc, The little details tell you, That maybe you can after all try to grasp a fraction of what, The deeply mesmerizing Obsidian Abyss feels like. You're a human, but you're different; You're reckless and impulsive, so sometimes, you go from gliding along the walls, Into a nosedive towards the invisible end. It seems like an end you can imagine, But not one that you can get to; Yet, you try to do what you can, You try to fathom the immeasurable depth, And you never. Ever. Stop gazing at the mesmerizingly deep Obsidian Abyss.

[tornado-s-tale]

I came back home today

I came back home today and my sister asked what happened near my tattoo. I told her that an insect bit me and the wound was healing. She later said that she thought it was a burn from a cigarette for a moment. Quiet perceptive lil sis, but your brother’s a wiz at bluffing. So, it didn’t take me much time to convince her and then easily change the topic.

Over call I used to tell my sister that a lot of things are happening and I’d give her the details when I got home. Well, I am home now but I can’t give her the details because I don’t want to relieve each of those moments again.

I’ve wanted to smoke since the last cig I finished when I reached Jammu. I haven’t smoked yet, and hopefully I won’t for any of the days I am here. Did sleep till the afternoon though, and also binged. Is this the next bad coping mechanism? Maybe, maybe not. Maybe I was just glad that I was home and could eat proper food for once. 

Also, yeah. My asthma is acting up again. Breathing is a bitch. And my inhaler is in my bag which is in mom’s and sis’ room. Can’t wake them now cuz sis has her IT board exam tomorrow and if I know on the door Yuki will start barking her fuckin heart out. It’s good that I don’t have severe asthma and just the mild one. Seems less threatening but asthma is NOT COOL. Severe or mild. 

An acquaintance asked how it felt being back home. I wanted to say just “good” and leave it at that. But I replied that “It was what I needed”. I’m tired and confused man. I can take one of these fuckers at a time. But both of them together make it hella hard for me to breathe. And then the goddang anxiety and panic attacks keep jumping into the fray like they’re exactly what the doctor ordered. nnAH MATE! you haven’t even been to the doctor yet????

[tornado-s-tale]

i think “i wish platonic dates with friends were a thing” is another way of saying “i want a deep emotional intimacy.” it’s a new age. shallow friends are easy to find and hard to let go. the two of you can sit for coffee, talking about nothing, secretly texting under the table that you want to leave. she begs you to come to the party but abandons you once you’re through the door. he won’t talk to you outside of class, won’t even look at you even though two weeks ago you kissed. 

it’s the age of the internet and our empathy is evolving. yes, isn’t long-distance now so easy. there’s a lot we have to be thankful for.

but there’s a lot that’s changing. there’s no words for the emotion you feel when someone is taking a picture with you that you know is only happening because they want to look fun and popular and you’re a prop; there’s no word for when you know it’s because you’re uglier than them and it makes them look good - there’s no word for watching people socialize for social media credit. we know it happens. not just “hang on let me take a picture of my food.” not just “i’ve got to text my mom back, one sec.” i mean that strange distance between two people who comment on each other’s posts but cannot connect in person. i mean you pour out your soul on twitter but then clam up in person. i mean internet loneliness; the sensation of 212 thousand followers and still so empty, knowing if the plane goes down, the ocean of the internet will wash out your memory. 

“i want a friend date,” she says, and he snorts - you mean friends?

it’s hard, sometimes. finding a best friend. when i was little i had an assignment about it. i remember crying in the hallway because i didn’t have one. everyone else in class did. i wrote about my shadow. i didn’t fit in. over the years i’ve had a couple. one turned out pure evil. a few were my best friend but i wasn’t theirs, in the end. a lot just drifted from me until we were only friends by nostalgia, not connection. but i ached for the feeling of a best friend the whole time: the person you can be silent with, the person you can be wild with, the person you can be 100% yourself with.

we live in a society where romance is said to be the only space you’re allowed to really be close with someone. how many of us have said to make sure you marry your best friend. we know from dating that there exists a kind of connection we don’t always get in our friends - even a platonic one, a connection of spirit, a freedom of behavior. 

i get it. a platonic date sounds wonderful. it’s not hurting anybody. let’s both have three seconds where we’re honest with each other in a raw kind of way. it’s terrifying. or we could just talk about what’s bothering you. i’m also still fucked up about the avatar: the last airbender ending; i also don’t get katara and aang. 

it’s about trust. about vulnerability. so yeah. maybe i’ve done all kinds of platonic-date things. but i’ve also had the opposite happen: the non-friend. someone you don’t want to cut out, not necessarily - but not someone you can tell your secrets to in the end. i think what we’re all asking for is to be less lonely. we want to get close to people, but we don’t want to seem like we’re hitting on somebody. 

come on out with me. we’ll both dress up and drink wine and split the bill and talk about deep things. be best friends for a moment. lord knows i need one. what i’m asking is for a quick moment of emotional intimacy. of reality. of not-just-here-for-the-party. i think a date sounds lovely.

[tornado-s-tale]

back to the GRIND

I have finished binging all the 5 seasons of Lucifer and sleeping all the other time as I now have just 2 days to finish my Constitutional Law assignment which I thought I’d do with a lot of effort but here I am.

well atleast now i have no more distracting things in my head and i can totally focus on my assignment and TOTALLY DESTROY it :)

[tornado-s-tale]

I have an assignment to finish TODAY and zero motivation to even start. hell. I didn’t even have the motivation to put the words zero motivation in caps.

[tornado-s-tale]

FML. kitna likha tha maine :”)

[tornado-s-tale]

New Shit Rolling in

(1) making a lot of THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID jokes and THE TITLE OF YOUR TEXTAPE.

(2) this wildlife photographer girl. hella cute and hella smart :””)

[tornado-s-tale]

21 huh? well what was i thinking anyway?

[tornado-s-tale]

Confusion

hey. So yep, there’s these two friends of mine I haven’t properly been able to talk to in a long time. Originally I thought that if my college re-opened after Corona maybe we’d talk face to face and atleast get to know about where we stand now? 

There’s a lot of history and even if I want to talk to them I have no idea at all about how to approach them? I don’t want to assume anything about what they are thinking and nor am I going to. But the fact is, I have no idea about how I should approach them and I don’t want to be an utter mess in talking to them even though I think and I know that I’ve improved a lot from the person that I was.

hah. yep. just. yep.

[tornado-s-tale]

23-02-21

Today was not good. It was slow, sad, tiring, made me feel helpless, I lost a teacher whom I might have not liked personally because maybe I didn’t really know him but I always acknowledged how amazing of a teacher he was. He was actually the main reason I opted for Sociology as my hons. subject in my B.A. LL.B. course.

Things didn’t really get much better either. I found out cause I forgot to turn off the lights of the car when I took it out to get groceries the foggy Sunday morning and that drained the battery of the car. But oh! That’s not the part that sucks! I didn’t really care about the car not working, I didn’t really have anywhere to go did I? 

The thing  is, i went with with my sister to feed the stray pups outside out apartment today and we saw that one of the pups’ legs was hurt. I might have felt sad and depressed for a few days. But nothing hurt me more than this. I wanted to take her to the doc at that moment cause dad’s car was there but I couldn’t because the vet wasn’t open then. And I called Parth if he could help with taking her to the vet. He said he would but then he remembered tomorrow is aunty’s birthday so she might take the car out too meet her friends and stuff. He said he’d come if he could but I’m not really counting much on that. So that, people, is how it really really sucks when it’s my fault the car’s bbattery is dead and I can’t take her to the vet on my own tomorrow.

I haven’t felt this hopeless and sad in a while. And I don’t really like the place I am in. I don’t like this and I’m tired. I hope this doesn’t last long. 

[tornado-s-tale]

Update.

Yeah. So those loopholes went to shit. And that “friend”, I honestly have no better word than backstab for this, backstabbed me :)

Hadn’t ever hated them before but well, I did hate them for what they did. It felt bad hearing about things that I had associated with them but then I just stopped. They just stopped mattering to me, and that’s sort of real sad after whatever had happened. But then again, they helped me realized that if you really want to yeet someone out of your life then you still gotta use the activities, movies/material, words associated with them but just cut off their memory from the same. 

That way you can enjoy the things you loved without their memory making you feel sad again and again. I don’t know how you do it but it just happens and it’s relieving when it does. 

Yep. Lot’s changed again. Right now I’m listening to my Law of Crimes explain his topic as I think I’ve known this already for sometime now though I haven’t attended his classes since like, the classes fucking started. I’m talking to a reeeeaaaaaal good friend I had to stop talking to cause the situation was just THAT COMPLICATED. But I didn’t really want to stop and I kept finding loopholes. And now, I think I have enough loopholes in place to keep in contact an a regular basis. 

Though I know a healthy distance now so nor do I make them feel bad about anything and neither do I feel bad. We’re both just taking our own path and vibing when we get the chance.

I’ve started reading again and I friggin LOVE THAT. My right elbow hurt like shit so I’m  taking meds till it gets totally healed up and then I’ll start workout and basketball again!!!! <3 

Das all for now folks. Love ya’ll!

[tornado-s-tale]

Just realized that I was doing good cause I hadn’t really thought for a really long while about that. About how it was left. I didn’t even look in that general direction. But the talk about that just made my mind go into overdrive. Overthinking about situations that might not even be there to think about. 

I was reading about self-defence from my Criminal Law syllabus and after I noticed ,y mind had gone into overdrive and began thinking non-stop about said situations I realized that I’d been staring at one single paragraph for atleast 30 minutes without even blink or maybe blinking a little. The fact is, I didn’t notice shit. 

I don’t know for how long I’ll be able to put off thinking about it or if I should or whatever. The thing is, I don’t know. I’m just going to try to stick to my schedule for now. I don’t know. And that’s really really scary. 

[tornado-s-tale]

Yep. Lot’s changed again. Right now I’m listening to my Law of Crimes explain his topic as I think I’ve known this already for sometime now though I haven’t attended his classes since like, the classes fucking started. I’m talking to a reeeeaaaaaal good friend I had to stop talking to cause the situation was just THAT COMPLICATED. But I didn’t really want to stop and I kept finding loopholes. And now, I think I have enough loopholes in place to keep in contact an a regular basis. 

Though I know a healthy distance now so nor do I make them feel bad about anything and neither do I feel bad. We’re both just taking our own path and vibing when we get the chance.

I’ve started reading again and I friggin LOVE THAT. My right elbow hurt like shit so I’m  taking meds till it gets totally healed up and then I’ll start workout and basketball again!!!! <3 

Das all for now folks. Love ya’ll!