tothoseitmayconcern

[tothoseitmayconcern]

Rewrite :

You gather it when you masterbate alone accidentally wearing the same deodorant your ex used to wear

You find it in the spur of the moment date that never ends

You find it when you see your friends bust a move just like you do

Serenades by Mac Miller and dance moves with your best friend

Waiting for him to come back home to you

You don’t only find inspiration you find yourself

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It’s been 446 days, it’s good to see you

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It’s weird to be back here

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You can’t force inspiration from the text book things in your life

You gather it when you masterbate alone accidentally wearing the same deodorant your ex wore

Reclaiming the moment for yourself

The high sex fantasy

You can have it alone you really can

You don’t need to be pushed coerced and regret not remembering

You can do things you don’t remember safely with the right crowd

A crowd of one

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I’m reading my old posts

They may be dark but they’re so inspiring

I’ve always been twisted when I’m alone and I love it

I love to be alone

I think I find solace but I need to find a way to make my brain wire this way without drugs

Maybe it was a mistake taking them to begin with

I don’t mean tonight I mean in life

But is it better to have lived and lost than to never have lived at all?

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I’ve got to start writing again

Even if it’s failed nonsense poetry as usual

I know

You

Can’t

Call it

A poem

Just

Because

You write

It

Like

This

But this is how my brain works

This is how it flows

It only makes sense to separate it all

Which I guess says a lot about me

I love to be separate from it all

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Masturbate the pain away.

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A Thank You To Bishop Briggs

I’ve always made monthly, weekly, daily playlists throughout my whole life. Usually just a compilation of the same 200 songs in different ways to encompass the emotions I had, or longed to have, at that time in my life. Now with the access to Spotify, Apple Music etc. right at my finger tips it’s much more satisfying to make these playlists. They’ve become a mission each month to find a few new songs that have all the vibes I’m looking for and build from there.

Over the years I’ve become less judge-mental of these collections of music. The names, content, etc. is no longer something I spend hours (maybe even days) grueling over trying to make trendy and appealing to the masses (aka my 6 friends).

I remember a couple years ago I was cleaning at work (I worked at a gym) and one of my friends came over and popped an earbud in my ear and said “dude you’ve got to hear this song”. It was River by Bishop Briggs. I immediately whipped out my phone, disregarding any pending punishment by my bosses, and started a new playlist. The title: bb. Following that shift I went home and found every song she had released and scrolled to the bottom of every social media platform she was on. Staying up all hours of the night watching YouTube interviews and reading buzzfeed articles.

Fast forward and you started releasing your own monthly playlists for the public on Spotify. Opening up your version of what had been such a personal outlet for me for years for the world to see. Every month I sit in such anticipation for these collections of songs. It never fails to floor me when we have the same songs or artists tied between them. The variety of music, the range of styles and emotions that are encompassed within these lists each month are priceless and I don’t think as a fan base we can really thank you enough for these little windows into your soul each month.

But we can certainly try.

Thank you.

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I’m trying to be better

I officially can’t stand

I’m wasting away while I’m wasted

Slurring and stumbling my way through life;

Such a fraud

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4/01 1:56am

He asked how I was so drunk but he doesn’t know I’ve been drinking all day.

I opened the bottle at 12 and I’ve been slurring ever since.

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3/31 My Doorway

Everyone thinks I’m okay

But I’ve been drunk all day

I’m an addict and you’re in denial

I realize how awful I am

One day you will to

That’s what I’m most afraid of

That’s why you don’t know my handle

I love you so much and yet I’m so afraid of you

Boys are confusing

One day you could love me

One day i could not be sexy enough

Or here enough

Or maybe too drunk

Please help me

Do you know me?

Do you really?

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Some Taylor Swift Inspired “Poetry” For Y’all

I think it upset you

When I said “hey!” And shut my book

You show me your works, yes

But oh my, is all this writing different!

I see your paintings

I see your drawings

I know they’re full of emotion

But it can be seen through one’s own eyes.

I don’t know how to be anything but painfully blunt

There’s no other way things can be taken

The last thing I want to do is scare you off,

Hurt your feelings

An angel from above

Opened your gates for me

Do you know me?

Do you really know what you’ve signed up for?

If you don’t,

And it gets scary,

Just remember

Do the girls back home touch you like I do?

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I don’t know what you were expecting with me, but I hope you were wrong.

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She’s coming to see me next week

I don’t think anything but this skyline has filled me with such excitement

I know we’re not what we were

But my god were we great

Troublesome and dangerous

Always breaking the rules and pushing the limits

Boundary is a foreign word for us

Always accepted

Always encouraged

I’ll never be able to thank you enough

You see the beauty in my ability to exist alone;

More than I could ever ask for

Soon we’ll lay here side by side

Sipping and smoking in the grass

Nothing but opportunity for adventure at our fingertips

Finally where we belong

Maybe it will be when we belong too

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Faces passing

Bodies shuffling

I love you

But there’s so much I know we can’t experience together

I don’t love you any less

Someone won’t care so much

Let me make mistakes

Wander out alone at night

Sometimes freedom is more than necessary

You don’t say I can’t

You say I shouldn’t

I hate that

I love to be alone

I love to be free

The complication is I want to be alone and free with you

I don’t want us to have limits

We may have boundaries

But rules aren’t there for anything else than to be broken

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27 March 2018

Last night in Paso Robles.

Moving to San Francisco tomorrow.

I’m very excited.

I’m so scared I could throw up.

Here’s to new beginnings...