towhomeverthisconcerns

[towhomeverthisconcerns]

yet another quarantine related thought dump

it has been a HOT minute tumblr. I figured since I took a 3 hour nap and then drank tea at 10:30pm, I might as well get the thoughts rolling since I’m very clearly not gonna sleep for the next 13 hours (probably) LOL. 

some lessons and interesting things about myself I’ve learned in quarantine:

+ I am the best version of myself when I feel like I have things to do. Not having a schedule actually makes me become a lifeless physical blob. I’d rather plan days where I do nothing than the other way around.

+ It’s okay to not really know what you want. Feelings and motivation comes and go and are super fleeting. This is perfectly normal.

+ Open honest communication is so much harder than you would think. Mustering up the courage to tell someone you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around them really takes a lot out of me and honestly I still struggle with this. But it’s definitely something I can work on.

+ Sometimes I enjoy texting people, but not talking to them. Sometimes, I enjoy talking to people more than texting them. Sometimes I am all talked out but that doesn’t mean that I don’t want you to share your thoughts with me. Talking actually does take a lot more energy from me than I believed.

+ I am very very selfish. I kind of always knew this, but this became even more apparent during quarantine. If I come off as selfish to you, please let me know. Any examples or instances when you felt that way would be really helpful. 

+ I’d like to practice listening more. Anyone have any pointers?

+ I enjoy 1 on 1 conversations the most.

+ If we were ever friends at one point and something happened that naturally or unnaturally made us grow apart, even if that event wasn’t a good one, I still think about you and hope you are doing well. I may not think it right away, but I really believe eventually I do. I hope some of you find solace in that.

+ I actually really enjoy talking about Christianity but I don’t bring it up because it’s kind of taboo and I don’t want people to feel uncomfortable but I really wish I could have more conversations about it. This makes me sad.

+ I really am not good at words.

+ I’m definitely addicted to tea. To the point that I get in a mood when I don’t drink it. This is dangerous.

+ I romanticize things a lot. Not in like a “I love you” kind of way, but more like in a “this action, this book, this character, this poem, this little moment in my life, etc. is super romantic”. I’m not sure what this means but I started to notice this a lot.

+ I value friendships a lot, and I’m still learning how to be a good friend. Thank you all for bearing with me while I continue to learn and try my best to nurture relationships. 

If you read this whole thing. Thank you. Not sure what I’m trying to accomplish here but I hope these lessons also help you in some way? 

[towhomeverthisconcerns]

[towhomeverthisconcerns]

081519

AIGHT SO. Tracy and Joanna told me to write down my thoughts and feelings about Missions ‘cause I find it really hard to talk about how I feel so here it is. I got out of bed for this so CHARLES. I HOPE YOU’RE READING THIS. (He’s literally the only one who reads this stuff. LOL)

I think the biggest thing that I got out of this missions trip is that God really moves in our lives in ways we can never expect. Ever. And like I know it sounds super cliche but it’s 100% true. Here’s the thing people. I fell out of touch with God a LONG time ago. Probably near the beginning of my second year of college/end of my first year. And I really struggled with that. I was too embarrassed to admit it to my old church. (granted my old church was not the best environment to be in either... but that’s a whole ‘nother post) It was really hard for me to feel the calling to go to church every Sunday because I felt so ostracized. And like I tried talking to people about it but I don’t think they were in a position to be able to understand where I was coming from. 

Anyways. Fast forward a couple of years. I’m much more open to going to church, but I know I don’t want to go back to my home church. I talk to Josh about church hopping, and he invites me to his. He offers to carpool with me, which is probably like the biggest incentive to going to a church that far. Otherwise I probably wouldn’t. LOL. But I actually was able to connect with the people at that church, and I really felt a different vibe at this new church compared to the old one. I’m not saying my old church was a bad church. I just think I grew and evolved into a different person, and my old church just didn’t suit who I became? I don’t know if that makes sense. Regardless, the point is that this new church became a church that I really wanted to invest in and it was a big turning point in my spiritual faith, because I now had a solid community I could go to every Sunday.

At this point, I’m still very weak in my faith. I mean I just started going to a church, and then I took a month break from it to go to Europe, and then I came back sparingly because Josh goes to NorCal like once every other month, and I have Tet meetings every so often that I really wish I could get out of but it’s really important that I’m there so I try my best to be there. This just all goes to show how I really didn’t feel like I was ready for Taiwan missions. I mean who am I to lead these kids to Christ when I’m struggling with my own walk with God? I felt like I didn’t deserve to go on this trip. But what can I do? My family signs me up every year unless I protest or have a very legitimate reason. I was going whether I wanted to or not.

Another thing I really struggled with was finding out I was going to a camp where I knew NO ONE. If you don’t know how Taiwan Missions for the FECA family works, basically since there’s so many schools/regions who teach at, there’s actually 4 different camp sites that the teachers live in, and each site has their own set of schools that they go to, and so we really only get to know the people at our own camp, and even then we only really connect with the ones that go to the same schools as you, because those are the people you actually spend the most time with. For me personally, it’s ideal to be in a camp with at least 1 of my family members, whether its my mom, my dad, or one of my sisters. I just really like having that support/person to complain to (there tends to be a lot of drama on these missions trips, of which I can explain if needed but for now we’ll leave it as is) So it was really hard for me to accept that I was going to a school where I would have 0 moral support from my family. I brought this up to my mom and she told me she could switch me to a different camp if I really wanted to. And at first I was like YES PLEASE. But then my mom told me to pray about it. So I did. And that was something I really struggled with because I could really feel like God was saying “Trust me, I put you in that camp for a reason.” and I was very like “Are you sure. ‘Cause I’m really not for this. Like. Can’t I at least have ONE of my sisters???” But I decided to listen to God. I’m not even sure why. I just knew in my heart that I had to go to Camp 1 by myself. And that was something that made me SUPER nervous.

I was also super nervous about people’s expectations of me. Like, they all knew I had been on missions for a LONG time. (since 2011) But I’ve been so spiritually removed from it that I felt like I wasn’t in a position to lead anyone. I hardly prepared for this trip other than that one prayer I did about moving camps and showing up for literally 1 out of 6 training sessions. LOL. But everyone would look up to me and expect me to take charge. Which was a super frightening expectation to have put on me. 

Not only all of that, but also I was going Week 2. Which means all the people at that camp would’ve already formed their own friendship groups because they all went through week 1 together. Except for me. So I wouldn’t know anyone... and still be expected to lead... and just.. GAH. SO MUCH STRESS. TT__________TT

So fast forward to Day 1 of missions trip for me. I’m doing my literal best to just listen to God and do as he says. I went into this trip with more intention than I’ve ever given this trip in my life. LOL (well maybe not but it sure felt like it). I’m much more mature than I was in 2011 so it was definitely a different experience this year, because emotionally and spiritually I was more mature and in tune with myself. But OH MAN. The week went by so QUICKLY and I really truly connected with SO MANY LOVELY INDIVIDUALS <3 

I’m gonna go into it chronologically but the order doesn’t really matter. 

FIRST THINGS FIRST. Jo Nathan. That is the nickname he gave himself to me. Just saying. I did not come up with that for him. LOL. But yes he was a blessing from God I didn’t realize at the time. But he was also new to Camp 1. He was at Camp 3 during week 1, but they moved him to Camp 1 for week 2 and so he was just as nervous about fitting in as I was. Which is probably why we were able to connect so well to the point that people thought we were friends way before this trip. Jolene was the one who told me I could trust him, ‘cause I told her about my worries about not having someone to lean on/complain to at camp LOL. So day 1 I asked who Jonathan was, and found him and immediately told him we were gonna be friends. And then luckily we were forced to sit next to each other (since they arranged our seating by schools/class#) and thus I was able to sit next to him every time we had worship, trainings, sermons, etc. I really miss stabbing him with the Sword of the Spirit but I am so grateful he was willing to open up to me and be my friend during that week. He made me feel so much more relaxed because at least I had one person who was willing to laugh with me and at my jokes. LOL. I really appreciate the friendship we made during that time, and I can only hope it continues to grow as we move forward. (although if it does die, that’s ok because that’s also very normal in life.) SECONDLY. SAMUEL LIU. Ohmygosh. This boy is such a joy and blessing. UGH. Jo Nathan did not go to the same school as me so I only really talked to him in the evenings. But in the mornings, I was able to be as silly as I wanted to be because Samuel would always be 10x sillier. HAHA. My favorite thing about Samuel is his willingness to serve. His heart is so pure and he’s so good at words of affirmation (one of my top love languages) and he just made me feel SO LOVED. He truly is the little brother I never knew I needed. Side story: I was assigned worship leader for the morning assemblies, but I literally did not remember the dances, and so LITERALLY THE DAY BEFORE DAY 1 OF TEACHING I learned the dances as diligently as possible and found out that Samuel would be at the same school and so I asked him (and this other girl who I’ll get into later) to teach me and also go up on stage with me and HE SAID YES!!! Q____Q Just having him there made me feel so much better about leading worship. But my favorite memory with Samuel is when he asked me to share my testimony. I’ve never had someone ask me that before. I was so touched that he wanted to know. It’s such a great thing to ask someone. When I shared with him, I really felt like God was showing me that he had a plan all along, and it was through talking to Samuel that I realized I was actually supposed to be at this missions trip all along. Jesus was using me to teach myself that I am so much stronger in my faith than I believed. He gave me so much wisdom during that week. I am so grateful to have experienced that week in Taiwan. God is so amazing. So awesome and powerful. I have so many more memories with Samuel (like DEEP DOWN, OH DEEP DOWN DOWN and KTV on the bus) but I’ll have to save them for another time because this post is already WAY too long. NORA AND DAPHNE. These 2 girls are so so so precious. Daphne is really shy but has the heart of an angel. Truly she is so willing to serve and does things she’s not entirely comfortable with in the name of God and I am so proud of her for that. It’s really not easy to break out of your comfort zone, especially at the young age of 14. Daphne did not have an easy time teaching in Taiwan, but she’s already talked about going back and I’m just. What a great example of God’s disciple. She really has such a pure heart that is so willing to learn and I can’t get enough of it!! She was really hard for me to read at times because she hardly ever expressed her true emotions and is the type to keep things to herself if she’s bothered, but I know she’s working on it. My biggest fear was that I would step on her toes without knowing and she’d get upset but never talk to me about it. In the end I’m not sure if that happened or not but overall I want to say we had a good time together. I learned so much from her, and I hope I can continue to learn from her in the near future! Nora is much more open compared to Daphne (not that that’s a bad thing), and she was also willing to help me teach the dance on stage for worship during morning assembly. She was actually the one who spent the most time with me making sure I knew the choreography the night before our first day. AND FOR THAT I AM FOREVER GRATEFUL <3 Her heart to serve is just as big as Daphne’s and I’m so proud of her as well. She really did a great job teaching alongside her co-teacher. She was also willing to be silly with Samuel and I which was super fun! I’m just so so grateful I was able to witness God moving in their lives and really wish I got to spend more time with the both of them. The two were so cute in the fact that they were always listening to me. God used them to show me that he would always provide a way, as long as I was willing to listen to him. My biggest wish now is to be able to get to know them more and hangout with them. If you see this and you know who I’m talking about, please lmk ‘cause I don’t have their contact info because I’m an idiot and didn’t ask in time!! q-q

RUBY and ETHAN. Both of them were my coteachers this year and I could not have asked for a better trio. Ruby is the mother of Daphne, and right away I could tell she was an amazing mother. The way Daphne is filled with so much love, you could just FEEL that Ruby really loves and cherishes her daughter. TBH it feels weird to call the mom of my friend by her first name but I had to do it all week in Taiwan so it is what it is. Ruby was super sentimental and pointed out a lot of things to me that I didn’t notice going into this missions trip. She really relied on me to teach her about this missions trip but through her I learned so much more about what it means to be a disciple of God. Ruby and Daphne are from HK, so they speak Cantonese at home, and so they both struggled with talking to the students at times, but through their serving heart they let go of that worry and came out to Taiwan anyways. Her love for the students was also super visible, and I really think a lot of the students were affected by her presence and really felt God’s love through her. She 100% respected me and Ethan the whole week and was completely open to our ideas. I am so grateful to Ruby for being there and supporting Ethan and I as the lead teachers. Ethan, Ethan, Ethan. What can I say. He truly was like a little brother in the sense that we bickered a LOT. LOOOL. But I really appreciated his point of view and perspective because it was one I was not used to. He definitely had a more laid-back approach to teaching the kids, whereas I had a more planned out one, but in the end we made it work. There’s a funny story I tell everyone about the first time we really FOUGHT but I’ll save it for another time. In the end I was able to learn a lot about patience and letting others take the lead sometimes. Honestly Ethan is a super great kid, and he did really well leading the activities that we agreed he would lead. I’m very thankful for the different perspectives he offered, and for the blessings God used him to show me in my life. 

There were so many more people that impacted me greatly on this missions trip. Christina, Jesse, Ariel (my roommates at the camp); Dorothy, Michelle, Debbie, Carrie; Brian, Tracy, and my baby sister Joanna. But the ones mentioned here impacted me the most during my week in Taiwan and I believe were the ones God really used to teach me so much during that week.  TL;DR: God really used the people at my camp to teach me that 1) I’m always the perfect servant as long as I’m willing to serve him, no matter where my faith is, 2) Trust in him always, because his plan is so much bigger than I’ll ever understand, 3) He is truly an amazing, awesome, powerful, and wonderful God.

*please note. This is a really big thought dump to be doing at 3am so I apologize if there are grammatical/spelling errors, and if my thoughts don’t make sense. I plan to go over it and edit in the morning.

[towhomeverthisconcerns]

032119

This might come off as cold but. I don't need you. I'm at a good place in my life right now. I love my friends, I love my family, I'm uncertain about my future but it's exciting. So why am I emotionally investing in you? It doesn't really make sense to me either. I'm just as confused as you are. I just know that my heart breaks seeing you suffer, and when you're laughing my heart is full. I'm so scared of these emotions. I don't want to mess anything up. I don't want to let you in, because I don't want to lose another person again. I'm tired of letting people in just to have them leave me more empty than when I started. I hate when you talk about deserving people. I hate that you don't see yourself as someone confident, beautiful, and caring. Why do you keep beating yourself up? Where is this fear stemming from? I don't think it's really about who we deserve. I think it's more about who inspires us. Who motivates us, and adds a little bit more meaning, a little bit more happiness into our lives. I mean, we as people have all sinned. By default we don't deserve unconditional love. But we have it regardless. And I think that's what life is really all about.

I guess what I'm trying to say is - you're worth so much more than you think you deserve. I just don't know how to make you believe me.

How do I make you believe me?

[towhomeverthisconcerns]

030419

It's scary. The future. I don't know what to do, what to expect. I have goals, sure. But there's something inside me that holds me back a little. I'm lost. But I'm okay with all this. I'm ready to take it one day at a time. And I think that's all I really need. (:

[towhomeverthisconcerns]

011719

Self love anthem. I do not need to prove my worth to anyone. If I don't love myself, who will? If my make up is popping, and my booty never looked better, you bet your face I'm gonna take a selfie. It's 2019. I think we can stop slut shaming girls and encourage more love for yourself, your body, and your selfies. You go girl. You go.

[towhomeverthisconcerns]

I almost texted you

I missed you immensely today

But then I threw myself into my work and then I felt okay.

One day I won’t feel empty anymore

[towhomeverthisconcerns]

112218

Been awhile since I posted on here. Just wanted everyone to know I’m alive and well.

It’s thank you szn, so I just wanted to write a few thank you notes today.

I’m thankful to everyone who’s shaped me into the person I am today. I am not perfect. I know this. But I’ve never been prouder of my growth and who I am than right now. 

To my friends who’ve never left me, and been there rooting for me since New Jersey: You guys are the realest. There aren’t much left really. But Emily, Esther, and Jing. You guys have been one of the realest ones.

To my friends who’ve been there since I moved to Cali: You guys are always going to be special to me. Your friendships may have existed before I came into the picture, but when you took me in as one of your own, I will never forget the sense of family and peace I felt. I will always be thankful to have you all to lean on. Especially my church homies. To find such a special connection in the heart of God may seem normal to most, but it is incredibly rare and special to me.

To my CSULB friends: College is the weirdest time because your personal growth and experiences are increasing exponentially. To those who have helped me find a community to vibe with, I would not be who I am today without you all. Thank you for loving me as I am, flaws and all.

To my UVSA family: The biggest thing that bonds us all together is our love for helping others, and our passion to give back. To have found a family that loves volunteering as much as I do and to have created true bonds, not just the fake surface level ones most clubs seem to have, is a great treasure I will always cherish.

To You: Every relationship has ups and downs, and if anyone tells you otherwise, they’re either lying to you or them-self. But you haven’t given up on me yet. Thank you for creating a safe space for me to talk, vent, complain, and express my thoughts. Thank you for always being willing to listen. Thank you for loving me despite all our rough times. And thank you for showing me that my feelings matter, and my emotions are valid.

[towhomeverthisconcerns]

“But when I was 16, the most important thing was him. His name is Jiang Chen.”

[towhomeverthisconcerns]

A Love So Beautiful 😍

Since I can’t for the life of me get over A Love So Beautiful, I’ll just make a post about this adorable drama 💕

This is a compilation of some of my favorite scene/moments, so get ready for so much cuteness! 😍😍😍

Chen Xiao Xi ❤ Jiang Chen #OTP

oh look at him being not so subtle about his feelings!

T H E Y ’ R E   S O   C U T E   I   C A N ’ T ! ! !  😍 😍 😍

OH. MY. GOD. My heart literally stopped. ❤

“Hold hands, hold hands. Don’t need any other words.”

i’m dead 😵😍 also, this girl is smooth af hahaha

they’re so adorable! my heart can’t take it 😍😍❤❤💕💕

HE IS SO CUTE OMG 😍😍😍😂😂😂

“Then why do you always forget that I love you so much? I love you so much that even though there are girls that are taller, thinner, prettier, gentler, and more sensible than you, they are all none of my business.”

OKAY I WANT A JIANG CHEN!

AAAWWWWWWWWW 😍😍😍😢😢❤❤❤💕💕💓💓

Lu Yang ❤ Lin Jing Xiao

❤ ❤ ❤

“I shouldn’t like a girl this much. A girl who looks pretty, smiles prettily, even her fierce demeanor is so pretty.”

“These three years of high school, I’ve liked her for three years. Even though she never regarded my liking for her as being real, I would still like to stand here and earnestly convey my feelings this one time to let her know. I like her. I like her!”

“Lin Jing Xiao, I like you very much.”

HE FREAKING DECLARED HIS LOVE FOR HER IN FRONT OF EVERYONE AND HONESTLY I NEVER LOVED HIM MORE THAN I DID IN THIS MOMENT

AHHHH MY SHIP SAILED I CAN’T BELIEVE IT  ❤ ❤ ❤

😢😢😢

“Lu Yang, did you save the Earth in your past life?”

“I think I saved the entire Milky Way.”

“Rosetta finally found Philae, and I found you, Lu Yang.”

AWWWWW the wedding scene made me cry i love these two so much! 😭😭😭❤❤❤

I swear, there are times when I ship them harder than the main pair. I mean, just look at Lu Yang’s face whenever he gazes at Lin Jing Xiao  😍😍😍

Wu Bo Song a.k.a The Guy Who Deserves Better

Okay, usually I hate characters who gets in the way of my OTP, but how can I hate him? How can anyone hate him? I mean, look, he does all these things just to make Xiao Xi happy!

He always goes out of his way to help her and/or make her smile! My favorite was when he made it snow! ❄❄❄ Fine, it was a fake snow but still! He did it just because Xiao Xi mentioned it would make her happy if it snowed, and he made it happen! Big AWWWWWWW ❤💕💘 You’re the best Wu Bo Song!

I was so grateful that Wu Bo Song was there to save Xiao Xi when Li Wei made a move on Jiang Chen 

His goodbye speech to Xiao Xi made me cry and I just want to hug him during that scene (since Xiao Xi didn’t even bother to lol)  😭💔

To be clear, I never shipped him with Xiao Xi but my heart breaks every time his does 💔. He really does deserve better. I really hope there’s a season 2 and he finally found someone for him (me lol)  ❤ ❤

Their Friendship

The friendship they shared is truly one of my favorite things in this series. They support and will always be there for each other. Even though their group formed in an unconventional way, it still blossomed into something beautiful that lasts even after they graduated high school and had separate lives. 

A Love So Beautiful is now one of my favorite dramas ever! It’s just so wonderfully adorable ❤ I couldn’t stop watching it! As soon as I finished an episode I would want to watch the next, and the next, and the next, and at the same time, not wanting it to end.This is something you would want to watch over and over again. I HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT even though you don’t watch this kind of stuff, you’ll still like it. I rarely watch dramas and I loved it! This is perfect if you just want something cute and/or to laugh and swoon!

BONUS: Listen to the OST. It’s so cute! I can’t get it out of my head. (I even learned how to sing the chorus, so I can sing it whenever I like)

[towhomeverthisconcerns]

It just occurred to me that sometimes I feel unfulfilled in my relationships with people even though I see them quite often. And it hit me that it's because it's just saying hi to them, talking to them for maybe 5 minutes, and then moving on with our lives. While that's super nice and all, and don't get me wrong - I love seeing my friends, it just isn't ... enough. I crave something deeper than surface level friendships. I want to connect with people on that deeper emotional level. I want quality time with quality people, open & honest conversations about our fears, our dreams, our motivation. Would anyone like this as well?

[towhomeverthisconcerns]

03.27.18

10:39

I still miss you. I think I'm allowed to though. I wish I had more chances to show you how loved you are, but you gave up before I could. It's been more than a week since the poorly timed break up. 2 days since we've talked. I'm still hanging in there. Things can only go up from here, right? I hope so. I hope you're finding happiness somewhere. Our story isn't new. It's quite cliche actually. That doesn't make the pain any easier. I'm clinging to the fact that I want you to be okay, and I know you're wishing the same for me.

[towhomeverthisconcerns]

[towhomeverthisconcerns]

Sensitive people should be treasured. They love deeply and think deeply about life. They are loyal, honest and true. The simple things often mean the most to them. They don’t need to change or harden. Their purity makes them who they are.

Unknown (via onlinecounsellingcollege)

[towhomeverthisconcerns]

[towhomeverthisconcerns]

[towhomeverthisconcerns]