towriteasong

[towriteasong]

07/15/2017 2347 possibly going into 07/16/2017

hello and hi there. It’s been a while. I guess to start off, it’s somewhat late. I am feeling lonely tonight. I just want someone to talk to right now. At the moment, you’re the only one I can speak up to. So how’s everything? Hope all is well. To begin, I am really overthinking. Maybe I’m not? I’m not too sure how I’m thinking currently. Idk if its because I’m being neglected by someone or if my last IG post was great lol. Lemme ask you a question, if you liked someone, wouldn’t you be comfortable inviting them out to a gathering with a couple of your friends, who hasn’t even met the person? Oh I’m sorry, I have to fill you in. Long story short, I met this girl, and we went out twice so far. Nothing crazy, just small dates. Difficult part is that she is in school, nursing school in fact, and I understand that is priority over everything. But when we first met, it was really great. Our conversations were lengthy and replies were undeniably fast. I loved every single moment of it. However it was short lived because of the start of school. We met up, for the first time, before the start of classes, and it was GREAT. As in, she was down to earth, focused, and overall entertaining. I loved her enthusiasm of life and her positivity. Our night out was very spontaneous. I didn’t have any specific plan, it was more like a “go with the flow” night. However, I made the most of it. I kept it simple and she seemed to enjoy it. Next Monday, classes had started and she had already warned me that school is priority. As classes went on that week, our conversations became less and less. I made it a mission to greet her “good morning!” with a side of a motivational meme, to kinda lighten the mood for the whole first week. We met up again on her first day off and she seemed stress, but kept a smile that can brighten up the darkest of days. Right off the bat, she apologized for lacking on her texts. I understood. I needed patience, As that day progressed, I learned more about her. However, there was something that kept her distant. I had asked her “so what are we? how’s this whole thing going?”. She said she’s “keeping an open mind” I don’t exactly know what that means. She mentioned that there was something that had happened in her past and that it could be the reason why she would stop talking to me. Idk. I tried extracting that information from her but she said she’ll tell me when the time is right. A positive outcome from the night was that she mentioned to me that she does not date more than one person. So I guess that’s good. It kinda calmed my nerves from that week. It seemed promising and I trusted her. I mentioned to her about a  beach trip that me and some friends are going. She seemed interested. Speed up to the day of the beach trip. She ended up staying home. But later texted me that she wished she had came along. That shows interest right?

Fast forward now. it’s been close to 2 weeks since I last saw her. For these last 2 weeks, it’s been me always initiating conversation. Is that normal? I mean sure she is busy because of school, but sometimes I feel like I’m putting myself out there all the time and show up like a fool. Our conversations went back to being short. Her responses are just short and nothing to follow up on. I guess school is taking a toll on her social life?

Well today, I wanted to take her out for dinner. But when I asked her if she was free, she already had plans with her roommate because they’re hosting her roommate’s boyfriend’s birthday thing. IDK how I feel about that. Is it normal to be not invited? Am I overthinking it now? I mean I invited you to come to the beach with me and other strangers, but I don’t get an invite to a “little” gathering? Idk. Idk where I stand now. I just feel neglected again. I don’t have to be there constantly but it’s been 2 weeks that I haven’t seen you. At least something as simple as this would suffice. I didn’t even attempt to ask her tomorrow if she had any plans since she has midterms to study for the next day. Idk. I’m really lost once again of where I stand. I just want some kind of reassurance from time to time ya know? Am I being childish right now? Acting like a little kid that doesn’t get what they want? I don’t think I’m asking too much. 

Well I think that’s all I got right now. I seem to be running out of what to say. I’m gonna try and sleep. Well look at that, I did end up writing till the next day. Until next time, over and out.  

[towriteasong]

June 4, 2017 0953

hello there- its been a month since my last entry. How’s everything been? Hope all is well. This week hasn’t been that bad tbh. However, today took a turn. My sister finally told my dad about her situation. She told him she will still pursue her major, but he didn’t believe her. He kept comparing her to me, how I’m a liar and a big disappointment. But my sister is different. She is not like that. She will never be like that. This will be a tough summer 2017. I know he won’t stop mentioning it and it will further depress my sister. I still have hope in the future though. She’s gonna make it through successfully. I know she’ll make us all proud. Right now, it’s just an obstacle that we’ll overcome. 

Well, I’ll talk to you soon with some kind of update. lateers

[towriteasong]

Hola 04/20/2017 (midnight after work)

Hey, so I’m heading home now, waiting for the bus stop and all. I’m sitting at the planter area where it smells like newly placed fertilizer/shit. Work was kinda tiring I’m not gonna lie, even though it was slow lol. It’s not as entertaining as it was for the past month while we text each other. However, people were asking me why I was so quiet and so serious. My response was simply "It's just one of those days" and shrugged it off. I took my break at my usual time. Nothing really new today at work, other than the apparent “internet monitoring” which I call bullshit. I messaged Hely earlier, asking if there’s any update about you, no response from her just yet. I’m still hopeful of some news. I miss you a lot. Today was hard to get through because I didn’t have you to tell me that there’s a group of puppies visiting your office or that there’s another incident consisting of one your buildings in London, that your company designed. You were on my mind all day, as clichè as that may sound, it’s true. Idk how I’ll sleep tonight, afterall, it is day 2 of no contact with you. I hope to see you soon or hear from you again. I hope all is well on your end. Oo, also, I had my first Twix and Three Musketeers chocolate bar. Damn, it’s been a really long time since I had them.

[towriteasong]

Hi hello 04/19/2017

Hi, hello there. I hope you’re ok. When you sent me that message last night, it made me worry. Where were you heading to? What made you leave? What was happening? We talk everyday. I know you’re going through some things with your parents but I didn’t think it was gonna come down to you being forced to leave. I reached out to the only person that I know the name of and asked if you were ok, if she received any word of your whereabouts, if you were gonna come home safe and sound. It was all happening too fast last night. I couldn’t think straight. I couldn’t focus on what laid in front of me. I was too worried about you. You made me worry too much. I wanted to know how you were, how was your day, how you spent the rest of the night but no response. It made me sick. My bus ride home was lonely. I was back to where I was before I met you, alone with no one to check on me if I’m home already or if I had gotten on the bus alright or that ever so excitement of a “Yay!!!!” text message that I looked forward to every night. It was getting dark again, falling back with no response. When I found out you got home safe, I had the best sigh of relief. You were ok. But please, don’t do that again. I’m waiting for you to reach out to me, so you can personally tell me what happened. I want to comfort you. I want you in my arms again. I want to hold your hand like we did. As I begin my Wednesday, I’m missing our “Good mornings :)” to each other. I can't just forget about what we talk about in the past month or the times we had with each other. I want to continue this. Please come back, I miss you more than ever now. Please, I don’t want to be alone again.

please.

[towriteasong]

8/15/2013

Hey again. You know what I hate? People who don't respond back. I mean no matter whatever is going on with your life, a simple yes or no wouldn't hurt. I've been waiting for an answer from this girl since yesterday and no reply. What the fuck. It seriously pisses me off that this shit happens. I absolutely hate it. Till right now, 10:31 p.m., 8/15/2013, she still hasn't replied back. Both text and fb message. I'm just annoyed. Another thing is the fact everyone is busy. Busy with other stuff. I wanna go out tomorrow, I don't want to be stuck in the house. I don't know what or who my other options I have. ugh. FML 

[towriteasong]

7/26/2013

Hello there. So today is my friend's birthday. Me and my sister was suppose to go to his birthday party but now I can't because I supposedly had to tell my dad in the beginning of the week. Like what the fuck. It makes no fucking sense that me and my sister cannot go. Over what? The fact I didn't tell him in advance? I was more concerned about school. For real, I'm beyond pissed. All this shit is getting to me. I just wanna give up on this shit. I'm tired of giving dumb fucking excuses and shit. I wanna do something that I like. I wanna leave this place. I wanna give up nursing and all this stupid bullshit. I just wanna scream and be left alone. There's no surprise for me anyway. I always was better off alone. No one really cared for me. I survived 21 fucking years without a real friend. No one's doesn't just text and ask how I'm doing. How's my classes? or even, Hey, do you wanna hang out? FUCK THAT SHIT. all this is too much. I wanna leave and stay alone. Just travel and be alone. I don't need anyone for where I'm going. If I die, like who gives a shit. No one's gonna come to my funeral/burial. My life has just been a bunch of stupid fucking excuses, lies, and mislead interpretations. 

[towriteasong]

I have nothing anymore

nothing to live for. I'm such a mess right now. I don't even want to stay in school. No one cares how I am, or even appreciate what I do for them. I hate this place. I just want to move away from everyone here and never see there miserable faces again. School is such a hassle, I just want to finish, but it's so far away from completing.  FUCK THIS LIFE. 

[towriteasong]

12/19/2011

Today was actually a bit productive. My mom is doing well, she can finally move around and talk. She had planned a prayer service for the 1st Death Anniversary for my lola. She invited some of her friends over for the prayer service. But, before all of this happened, my family was busy cleaning the house, cooking, and all sorts things. My parents left me alone in the house near noon so that they can buy more ingredients. As it turns out, they bought some Popeyes chicken to serve our guests, who knew? Overall, the prayer service went well, but something was bothering me. It was my upcoming Anatomy final on Wednesday. I didn't get a chance to study!!!! I promised myself I would at least review or look over what I had to cover, but I didn't get a chance to. Oh dammnit. So, all of tomorrow, is gonna be a study day for me. Wish me luck!!

[towriteasong]

12/18/2011

This was a very dramatic day, even for me. I thought my mom would be sent to the hospital or even worse, I could lose her just before Christmas.

It was 8 a.m. and I was downstairs watching TV. My mom comes down and heads to the kitchen to make breakfast. She pours herself a cup of tea and I set the table up. She told me to wake up my sister and my dad, and so I did just that. As I headed upstairs, I noticed that she was going up too. She said she was just going to the bathroom. So, I knocked my sister's door and told her that breakfast was ready. I noticed that my mom didn't close the bathroom door and usually she does, for privacy of course. As I was still trying to wake up my sister, my mom called me from the bathroom. The first time I just "yea?", and didn't go to her. She called me a second time and this is when I went to her to see what's wrong. What I found out was that she passed out in the bathroom. She was not herself, and it seemed like she was in "shock". Her eyes were closed and her hands were shaking, similar to someone having a seizure. I knew that in this type of situation that panicking was a bad idea. So I calmed down, went up to her, and tried to help her regain consciousness. I held her head up and placed my hands on her cheeks. I needed to see her eyes, I needed my mom back. I called her name about 5x, with my voice going louder. After 2 minutes or so, she finally looked at me and responded back. I was so glad my mom responded. After that, my dad finally got out of his room and asked me what happened. We escorted my mom out of the bathroom to the bedroom and she laid down. 

I know I was calm, but I had so much fear and anxiety built up inside me. I couldn't believe that I witnessed it and actually rescued my mom. I just can't imagine if I did not respond to her. 

[towriteasong]

12/17/2011

So to kick off my Saturday morning, mom cooked breakfast and I loved it. It was simple, but a great way to start the day. I didn't feel too good waking up though, let alone getting ready for work, but I had no choice. 

I had a long day at work, doing nothing but just staring at the computer. My day didn't get interesting until the commute going home. I rode the L with some homeless guy near the back. When I boarded the train, I walked in casually, and just found an empty seat. Then, when other passengers started coming in, their facial expressions were just in disgust. I was wondering if it was me or somebody else. I was getting a bit self-conscience because I had a cold, and I had no sense of smell due to that. So, I turned around and noticed the homeless guy, it was actually him making everyone's faces disgusted. A big sigh of relief came over me when I finally found that out. 

[towriteasong]

12/16/2011

There are still times that I feel I'm worth nothing or I give up too easily. I'm so close to finishing what I've started but then I begin to slack and just leave it 90% done. Either the past comes back to haunt me or my attitude about my future is doubtful, I always find myself not wanting to progress. I know I have to,at some point, but right now I want my life to stay still. 

[towriteasong]

12/16/2011

First thing off, I headed to my school to try and talk to my teacher about what's gonna be on my final -.- Unfortunately, she wasn't there and I wasted my time traveling downtown. 

So for the rest of the day, no classes for me and I went out with my friends to Buffalo Wild Wings, and it was really good. We bought about 45 wings and ate it all! It was definitely something to go out for since the semester is about to be over and I haven't chilled with the crew in a while. 

[towriteasong]

A Shield

I think it's the upcoming rain that has been making me think. Girls I have known are always complaining about getting hurt from past relationships. Compared to me, I have never hurt any girl's feelings because I have NOT had a girlfriend. I don't see a reason why guys have to hurt a girl's feelings. I mean what's the use? What will you get out of her sadness? She's hurting inside and you think that makes you superior? I won't ever do that to my first girlfriend. As a matter of fact, I'm not gonna do that to any girl. The only way to solve problems is to just talk it out. Screaming or fighting is never the solution, it just creates more problems. So just keep calm and hear out what both of you have to say.

[towriteasong]

Healing

How long does a heart repair itself back completely? Feelings are torn and friendships are not in sync anymore. It seems like no one can help fix this. People try to help, but it doesn't help. Filling the void with a rebound or a FWB is not always the answer. The answer is to simply move on. It is hard but you can't dwell in the past forever. Love and relationships will eventually find you in a later time. This is just an obstacle that people always go through after a break-up. Carry on and live your life without the past haunting you.

[towriteasong]

Sometimes I just catch myself staring out into the window

I'm stuck in this room, staring at the window, fully knowing that my future wife is out there, somewhere. I wish I can meet her now and just tell her how much I love her. I want to be with her now, keeping her away from dangers out in the world, protecting her. This single thought makes me so anxious to just fast forward to that moment when we say "I do". I wanna spend every single minute with you when we meet. Sadly, I have no control of time, only the future waits for us to actually meet each other.

[towriteasong]

Imperfect

Sorry I'm not perfect. I mean what's wrong with me? Why can't you understand I have been the only one who understood you? And what about you? Why can't you see I've taken you out and you never call back after that day? I just wanted to schedule another day so we can actually get to know more about each other. Or you? Why did you make me believe that you liked me, when you were just gonna get with another guy? Don't waste my time with that bullshit. I've been kind to all of you, showing all respect and patience towards all of you. I'm not like those other guys out there that plays girls, hurts them emotionally nor physically, douchebags, or assholes. What do you want? You want me to become like those other guys? GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE. I'm not changing myself for anybody. 

[towriteasong]

FANTASY

I’ve stopped living in it. I’ve learned that being in a fantasy can lead to trouble. Thinking about the things that could happen turns out to not happen ever. Most of my experiences end up leaving me hurt or just isolated from my friends. I never want to talk to anybody or be with anybody when I’m in that stage. Lying on my bed, sitting by myself, and being silent are usually the signs that I’m just out of it. I’ve come to the conclusion during this summer that I have to face reality. No more “Stop losing confidence.” or “You have to at least try.” None of that bullshit are in my head anymore. There is no reason for me to expect anything from somebody when I know for a fact it’s not going to happen. This saves me the trouble and most importantly it saves me from getting hurt.