toxickoalas

[toxickoalas]

in the rest of my life (online and offline) i try not to be a complete fucking sadsack but actually now i think i need a place to be a complete fucking sadsack so here i am

i can’t believe toxickoalas wasn’t taken.

i’ll talk more about what kind of cancer i have and shit later i guess.

for now i’ve been looking at the grievingyoung​ tumblr and crying at the thought of what glen will have to go through. seeing it coming from a long way off, i think i’m more worried about it than he is, like my worry will mitigate any of the pain that’s coming for him. i just want to hold his hands and tell him that it will be okay and that he has already looked after me and my chronic illnesses long enough and everything from here on in will be so much happier and i’m going to look after him now and it will be okay.

i oscillate between wanting him to miss me and wanting him to just bounce back and get on with his life and be happy. i feel selfish about the former, it’s not like i’m going to be around to see how much i mattered. and i probably wouldn’t even believe it then. i bet if an afterlife exists, depression and self-esteem issues follow you there too. 

tomorrow i see the endo. and i’ll ask him about battlefield philosophies and whether i need to get my plasma dopamine and tyrosine checked, and if it’s even worth doing metanephrines again. it probably is. 

glen will sit there with me and i’ll forget that he’s there in a way because i go so deeply into myself when talking to specialists about how the tumours have grown and he is so good about that he never makes it about himself but man. 

i got him so many presents for his birthday this year.