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The Patriarchy III

Being a man doesn’t mean you have to hide your emotions. Being a man doesn’t mean you have to act tough and spout threats of violence. Being a man means that you can show your emotions, be open with your partner, friends and family. It means realizing that the patriarchy hurt you too.

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The Patriarchy II

It must be unsettling for you, to have a daughter who questions everything you were taught to be as a man.

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The Nightmares Disagree

When I would come to you because I was in distress, you would tell me that I was fine.  When I would tell you I was upset, you would tell me that it wasn’t a big deal.  I learned to second guess my feelings and my intuition.  When I got older, I stopped telling you how I was feeling.  When I was upset and scared, I told myself it wasn’t a big deal.  When I woke up screaming because of…

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The Patriarchy

The most dangerous thing for the patriarchy is a daughter who questions everything.

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Building Walls

Before I tell you my secrets, my stories, I have to spend weeks, months or years building my armour. Building my walls. They have to be impenetrable because they need to keep out your reactions. Sharing is supposed to make us closer, but sharing only shows our distance. I have to put my own feelings aside to deal with yours, because you can’t deal with them yourself. How is that fair? I’m…

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It Doesn’t Matter

You taught me that my feelings didn’t matter. You taught me that I was feeling too much. You taught me that unless it’s physical, I need to shove it down. and so I did. and so I didn’t report my rape because I didn’t have any bruises on my skin. I didn’t realize that the bruises were inside me.

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You told me that I could tell you anything. You said that you would always be there for me. But when I bared my soul, you stayed silent and left without a word. How can you say that you will always be there when your actions show the exact opposite?

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To Be A Poet

How easy it is to become a poet when your soul is broken and your heart is filled with pain.

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April 27

Peace, love, believe survivors, and fuck the justice system.

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Words to a Younger Self

If I could tell my younger self something, I would tell her that your feelings matter. If you’re scared, there’s a reason. If you’re angry, there’s a reason. Don’t push aside your feelings just because other people tell you that what you’re feeling doesn’t matter. Just because it’s not a big deal to them, or it doesn’t matter to them, doesn’t mean that it shouldn’t matter to you. Listen to your…

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Survival Doesn’t Always Mean Fighting

It’s taken years to not hate myself for not fighting like I thought I would. Your body does what it needs to do to keep you safe, even if it’s not what you thought it would look like. Survival doesn’t always look like screaming and biting; it can be freezing or disassociating . It doesn’t make what you went through any less painful or real. Sometimes I still feel a lot of guilt about how my…

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To Feel How I Feel

I wish that he would be able to feel how I feel. The trauma the nightmares, the feeling of violation, the disgust. that you would know how it feels. I wish that he would be able to feel how it feels to want to run, but not be able to go fast enough. I wish that would be able to feel how it feels to want to scream, but not have any words come out.  Jail is a place that you go trauma is a feeling…

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The Lies We Tell Ourselves

You’re ok He loved liked you  You’re exaggerating  You’re fine You made it all up It’s your fault If you didn’t want it, you would have fought harder  You wanted it the second time If you didn’t want it, you would have screamed  It wasn’t rape

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Getting Clean

If you fall in a puddle of dirt, you can wash it off; you can shower with soap and you can scrub and scrub until your skin is raw to wash that off. But there’s nothing you can do to scrape your insides out. I can scrub and scrub my skin with the most abrasive brush until it bleeds, but it will never get rid of the feeling of needing to clean my insides out erase, every trace and disgusting…

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Pretty Women

People think that if you are a pretty woman, they are entitled to your body. We’re left scarred, paranoid and isolated.  The blame is always put on women, while the men go unharmed and unfazed.

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The Price of Youth

I told my mother once, when I was younger, that men made me uncomfortable when they cat called me in the streets. She said “Be thankful, you’re young; one day they won’t do that anymore.” Is being uncomfortable in my skin the price I need to pay for being young? Maybe that’s why I always wished I was a little bit older.

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Running

The past few months, I have been trying everything to distract myself. Painting, working out, writing, cooking. This is me running, trying to distract myself, trying to not let the demons catch me.  They say you can report SA, it’s a crime after all; but make sure you have a mountain of evidence, and oh, also don’t wait 4 years to report it, even though it took you that long to feel like you had…