train-bench-footrest
gay musings from a yearning homo
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Understand that there is a beast within you
that can drink till it is
sick, but cannot drink till it is satisfied. Understand
that it will use the conventions of the visible world
to turn your tongue to stone. It alone
knows you. It does
not wish you well.
—Frank Bidart, excerpt of "The Third Hour of the Night", in Half Light
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full of regret and shame for Being 23 and going through it
#having a crisis over being an attention seeking idiot#but i just want friends without being awkward or weird#idk idk idk no one tells me how i’m doing in social interactions#bc that’s a weird fucking thing to want
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The reoccurring theme of being unwanted in your childhood and seeing yourself as some kind of monster and how you feel like you have to move mountains to get people to like you
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like a moth to a flame i can’t help what i desire etc etc
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when you become so scared of slipping back into bad patterns, you slip back into bad patterns<<<<<
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all of my self development is in the pursuit to feel less lonely
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something to recognize that choosing recovery again and again is difficult work, and you are not weak for faltering
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"Fat Top/Switch" by Emilia Phillips
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finally beat the hasn’t had gay sex allegations……
#like a week ago#shit is soooo fun#i just hope we’re not bothering my roommates#or theirs lol#but yeah#gonna get a strap tomorrow
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2023:
TIME IS NOT SLIPPING THROUGH YOUR FINGERS LIKE DESERT SAND
THERE'S A WHOLE WORLD IN JUST KNOWING THE SUN IS THERE
THE WOUND IS NOT THE SIZE OF YOUR LIFE
AN EXCESS OF PASSION IS NECESSARY FOR YOUR PRESENCE
YOU ARE NOT AN INDIVIDUAL
TIME TO FIND A NEW CREATURE TO BE
OPEN UP
THIS IS NOT YOUR GRAVE
GET UP COWARD
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there needs to be more resources for adults on hormones to be going through puberty at 22 is fucking humiliating
#i’m HORNY. ALL THE TIME.#i’m awkward and wondering if people like me and CONVINCED they hate me and i’m anxious and gross and smell bad a TWENTY TWO YEAR OLD#i thought i solved this shit and now i’m right back there#don’t get me wrong the changes are great and i’m happy but god it sucks some times#mine#personal#don’t reblog
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tboys will be forced to get out of bed for work instead of sleep in and jerk off for 5 hrs
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i…………………..cannot handle tik tok
#is this a psyop#so this rumor starts and then they can fear monger about testosterone#and how you inject both and they’ll find like one chemical overlap and then
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do you ever sit with a group of people and not say anything for the entire time so theres no reason for you to be there youre just awkwardly listening to people converse while doing your own thing and wondering how its so easy for them to just talk or why its so hard for you to say anything
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okay so i haven’t done my t shot yet (tomorrow) and rn i’m essentially going through puberty again :,( but i’ve seen mickey and stuff from spn and now i wanna rewatch
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