transadvice

[transadvice]

Do you have any good trans book recommendations? Preferably about trans men's experiences but anything really is fine!! 👍

Here are some of my favorites. These are all nonfiction.  "We Both Laughed in Pleasure: The Selected Diaries of Lou Sullivan.” Lou Sullivan was an activist and historian in the 70s and 80s whose experiences feel shockingly modern and relevant. He was an out gay trans man in a time when that was widely considered a contradiction in terms. Although Sullivan’s story is sad in that he died too young of AIDS in the 1991, his diaries are full of joy.  “Gender Queer” by Maia Kobabe. Graphic memoir. Honest and detailed exploration of questioning and searching for an identity in adolescence and early adulthood.  “Something That May Shock and Discredit You” by Danny Lavery. Essays, some of which are about transitioning as an adult. Other topics include classic movies, 19th century literature, and growing up evangelical. Lavery has an odd, comic style that will hit with some people and not others, but people who like it will REALLY like it.  “Whipping Girl” by Julia Serrano. Culture criticism articulated with such razor-sharp observation and analysis that it is cathartic to read. Read if you feel like getting righteously angry.  “Yes, You Are Trans Enough” by Mia Violet. A memoir with an uplifting message. The title cannot be said enough.  “Transgender History” by Susan Stryker. Yes, we existed in history!

[transadvice]

I am kinda questioning whether I'm trans and I honestly just need some help tbh because I feel like I'm struggling and haven't seen much or anything off people sharing my experiences. Ik I'm probably just on the wrong side of the internet and there's loads but I fell really alone right now and I don't have anyone to take to about it and my mental health isn't at a great place rn. I'm still a teen so Ik I'm young and I'm a bit of a late bloomer so I'm currently in puberty and it's honestly hell. I don't recognise the person in the mirror and I feel like I'm changing into the opposite of what's right. I see so many people talking about how they realised they were trans and how they always felt this way but I honestly don't see myself in that. I'm afab and I've not had any kind of issue with gender as a child. I mean I guess "girl" didn't feel right but I just felt normal so I didn't object. I feel like my world and identity is collapsing around me and everything to do with me hurts. I've never had long hair but I desperately wish I was shorter. I like clothes and most of mine are feminine and I even enjoy wearing long skirts but I honestly can't bear to wear shorts or t shirt because my arms and legs look so wrong. I mentally always refer to myself as a boy and when I envision myself in the future I see a man. I'd love to look like a boy but it's just not me. That's not who I am. I'm not trans because I'm just not. I really really desperately wish I was though but I just hate everything. Idk this is probably all incoherent rambles but I just need to get it out. I'm in a safe space if I was trans. My close family and friends support and my boyfriend is a trans man so I do definitely have exposure to it. I just don't feel like I'm the same as any other man or boy I see. I still enjoy being feminine but terms like girl and lady make me want to scratch my skin off. The person I see in the mirror is not me in the slightest. I have autism so idk if that's what it is because Ik that is common for female autistic people to not feel female and this is probably just something that comes with puberty but I seriously have no idea what to do about this. I could talk to my therapist but I'm not sure I have the words. I don't want to be trans. I really really don't. I'm queer and autistic and afab and that makes the world a scary place with so much staked against me and I'm terrified. I don't want to add another thing to the list of things people can discriminate against me be because. This is probably too long and incoherent and I'm really sorry but I just need to vent

Hey! Thanks for writing in. I am sorry to hear you are experiencing the pain of gender dysphoria. Your experiences sound very familiar to me, a trans person, if that helps you at all. If you’re asking if I think you’re trans, the answer is yes. Lots of trans people didn’t know they were trans in childhood; didn’t experience dysphoria in childhood; and never had an issue with gender in childhood. For many people, including myself, dysphoria starts in puberty or later. If your dysphoria is mostly physical - about how you feel in your body - it makes sense that you wouldn’t feel it until your body changes.  If you’re a teen, and you know some trans people your own age, then you know a subset of trans people knew they were trans in childhood. That doesn’t mean those are all the trans people who can or will exist. The folks who, like you, are figuring it out in adolescence (or later) have not come out yet. I promise you are not alone. Go to an online or IRL place where trans adults are talking (e.g. a support group) and you will find plenty of trans people who don’t fit the “I always knew” narrative.  The fact that you’re autistic doesn’t mean you’re cis. Lots of autistic people are trans. Actually, there is a surprising overlap - a higher percent of autistic people are trans compared to allistic people. Nobody really knows why this is. “Uncomfortable Labels” by Laura Kate Dale is one book by an autistic trans woman that discusses this phenomenon. “I’d love to look like a boy, but it’s just not me”: this feels like a very familiar sentiment to me. Before I transitioned, I felt that it would be impossible to do so; that I didn’t have the right; that the shape of my body and way other people categorized me dictated what I was allowed to do or want, or how I was allowed to identify. I don’t feel that way anymore. The impostor syndrome gradually ebbed away as I got further along in my transition. It felt impossible at the start, but I realized that I could do it by doing it.  The thing is that “I’d love to look like a boy” is not something that cis girls think. “When I envision myself in the future, I see a man” is not the way cis girls feel about their future. Cis people don’t wish they were trans. Wanting to be trans is diagnostic of being trans.  It doesn’t work the other way around, by the way. Many trans people wish they were cis, at least some of the time, because society rewards cis people. Wanting to be cis is logical in such circumstances, and doesn’t necessarily mean you’re cis. What would be a sign that you’re cis? Idk just not having a problem, not thinking about it. Any kind of painful longing about gender is a trans thing because cis people just don’t have a problem with gender.  Unfortunately, you don’t get to choose whether you’re trans or cis. You can’t decide not to be trans because it’s too hard. You can decide whether or not to transition, whether or not to tell anyone, whether or not to explore your gender presentation, what name and pronouns to use, how to dress, and so on - but you can’t decide to not be trans. Depending on your circumstances, staying closeted is sometimes a logical and reasonable choice. But it’s also true that when questioning trans people begin to think about coming out, transitioning, or taking the first steps toward exploring their gender, many of us people overestimate the danger and difficulty of the road ahead, and underestimate the joy and freedom. The good news here is that transition is an effective treatment for dysphoria, and that you can take it at your own pace and choose which aspects you want to do based on what feels good and right at any given time.  You identified two steps that sound like good places to start: talking to your therapist, and getting a shorter haircut. Neither of these commits you to do anything else, but both may give you more information that you can use to inform your next steps. 

[transadvice]

Hi how do I know if I am transgender

There is no surefire test, but if you feel you might be, or that you want to be, then you probably are. Just about everything in our society is set up to convince you that you’re cis, so it’s unlikely that your feelings of possibly being trans come from anything but actually being trans.  Let’s say there was a test - you pee on a stick or something - and the result say that you are trans. What would you do? What would you allow yourself to do? 

[transadvice]

Is it okay to say I transitioned if I didn't medically?

I came out as transgender male about 10 years ago, and then as nonbinary last year. I experience some dysphoria but as of now want to keep my body as it is. I did definitely transition socially but I feel invalided when people tell me I'm pre-Hrt or something because I'm not sure that I want to do that.

Yes, it’s okay. Transition can refer to medical or social transition. Many people use the word as a shorthand for medical transition, so you may need to specify “socially” as a point of clarification.

“Pre-HRT” is unfortunately a commonly used term to distinguish trans people who are not on hormones from people who are, but of course it excludes or diminishes people who are not planning to take hormones in the future (whether they can’t or don’t want to). If someone refers to you as “pre-HRT,” you could correct them to “non-HRT,” if you feel like making that point. 

[transadvice]

hi, i don’t know if you’re still taking asks about this, but i have a problem. i’ve been id’ing on and off as nonbinary for about 8 years now, and i really don’t know what i am now. basically right now, i’m afab but i feel like i should have been a trans woman. that sounds bad, but basically i have bad physical dysphoria and wish i had an amab body, but i like socially identifying as a woman. my dysphoria’s changed a lot but that’s what it is right now, and i really want someone else’s help with this. everywhere else i’ve looked for advice has used the idea of an afab wanting to be a trans women to be transphobic. i’m not claiming to be a trans woman at all, i just have bad physical dysphoria and it’s affecting my identity as a woman. what do you think?

So, I can see why the “I should have been a trans woman” framing rubs people the wrong way. While I can’t speak for all or even any trans women, I can certainly imagine a trans woman feeling hurt and alienated by the idea that you want to be like her by having more masculine body features. The last thing she’d want is to be defined by features she has dysphoria about herself, and that she feels are incongruent with her identity. Binary trans women would probably prefer to be thought of simply as women.  But I can also definitely relate to the experience you’re describing of having a jumble of conflicting gender dysphorias and euphorias that don’t seem to add up to anything anyone has a label for (yet). In particular, I feel like you’re describing a more extreme version of my own experience of being confused (before I knew being trans was a possibility) that my only option for being “gender non-conforming” as an AFAB person was to have a butch or tomboyish social role, wardrobe, haircut, etc. Yet I felt femme, not butch. I knew I that I felt myself to be gender non-conforming, but I also wanted to be femme. I related to gay men in media, but was made to feel that this was appropriating or fetishizing. I didn’t know it was an option for me to be a man. When I learned that there are trans men who are femme and gay, my mind was blown, and I thought, “That’s me!” My previous idea about trans men had been that they were extra butch and super masc. What I later learned was that the point is that your physical gender identity (the way you expect your body to be) and your gender presentation/social gender role are different things. I didn’t think the physical part could be changed, so I was trying to change the social/presentational part - even though it was actually more aligned with the way I wanted it to be - because I knew I wanted “more masculinity” somehow and it was the only lever I felt I could pull. Once I actually began to medically transition and my body aligned better with my expectations, I was able to relax into a gender expression that felt more natural to me. I no longer felt I had to make my presentation artificially masc in order to “balance out” the unwanted femininity of my physical features. At the same time, although learning about femme trans men was my “way in” to realizing I could be trans, I also have not landed in as femme of an expression as I was expecting. Early in my transition, I thought, “Once I read as male to people, I will do gender non-conforming things like wear makeup and dresses.” Only, I find I don’t really. What actually happened is that as my physical dysphoria was relieved, I simply found I thought less about gender on a day-to-day basis because there was no pain or emergency to resolve.  When you live with dysphoria, it’s really, really hard to figure out your label or identity or ideal presentation. All those things are affected by dysphoria, and it’s really hard to untangle those threads. Resolving the dysphoria can go a long way toward removing one of the confounding factors and clearing up the tangle. It’s fucked up that our trans health care models often require trans people to be 100% sure of their identity before they begin to transition medically, because that’s kind of an ass-backwards way to go about it. If you know you feel dysphoria about certain specific body features, if that feels like the glaring emergency, then that seems like a good place to start working on transition steps; the identity stuff will be clearer after the dust settles, maybe in unexpected ways.  At any rate, “nonbinary” seems like a fine place to land for the purposes of having a label. It’s a useful umbrella term that you can always use to mean “regardless of how I present, my gender identity is not entirely binary, and it’s too complicated to explain exactly how.” 

[transadvice]

Hey there, happy pride! I guess I have sort of a question that's been giving intense anxiety and feelings of guilt. I've been out as a lesbian for close to 15 years now. I never felt gender comfortable and the past two years I have realized, accepted, and come out to my wife/close friends that I am most definitely non-binary. I'm comfortable with all pronouns he/she/they, though I tend to vibe more with the masc side of my identity. I suppose I have two questions, please forgive me if it's too much, as this is a source of major anxiety for me. First, I'm wondering if I...well, if I even 'count' enough to be under the trans umbrella and call myself a trans person. I feel guilty over possibly taking space meant for "real" trans people and perhaps I'm not "trans enough". And my other worry is if I am still allowed to call myself a lesbian and take up space in that community now as well. I'm just a severe anxiety disorder riddled millennial too scared to ask anywhere else. I'd greatly love some perspective and insight. And thank you so very much for taking the time. ❤️

Hi! I've mostly retired from this blog - the longer I live, the more humble I feel that I have anything to advise anybody - but for Pride I will come out of retirement for this question.

Yes, you count.

Feeling not trans enough is such a trans mood that it is diagnostic of being trans. Cis people don't worry if they are trans enough.

Plenty of people define themselves as both lesbian and nonbinary. You would not be the first (but it would be okay if you were! Somebody's got to be the first of everything - a lack of role models doesn't mean your kind of person is impossible.)

You aren't taking anything from anybody by being trans. Generally, the more trans people there are, the better it is for other trans people, not worse. (See: the power of role models.) A history of medical gatekeeping has caused us all to have a scarcity mindset, but it's fake. Everyone can be trans. There's no downside. You're not using anything up. You are not "taking up space." You belong. Your presence is a gift. Thank you for coming.

See also:

"Yes, You Are Trans Enough" by Mia Violet [book]

A history of the "trans enough" narrative from The Gender Doula

[transadvice]

I don't mind if you never get around to answering this, but I do need to type it out: I think I might be a trans man, and I'm absolutely fucking terrified by that because I don't think my friends and family would ever accept me and the idea of transitioning is so scary and I'm out to a few people as a lesbian but I resonate so much more with mlm couples and I have no idea what the hell to do or if I'm just faking it or what. I don't really have dysphoria a lot but every day I wish I was born a cis man and was a gay man instead of who I am and when I imagine what I'd look like on T or with a binder I cry because I want to look like that so bad

I’m not sure why you think you don’t have gender dysphoria, because what you’ve described is exactly that. According to the clinical definition of gender dysphoria*, the definitional signs include:

A strong desire to be of another gender (“every day I wish I was born a cis man and was a gay man instead of who I am”)

A strong desire for the primary and/or secondary sex characteristics of another gender (“when I imagine what I'd look like on T or with a binder I cry because I want to look like that so bad”)

You need two of the six characteristics, by the way, to meet the clinical definition*, and I see two in your letter alone, so it seems like a pretty open and shut case.

* I don’t necessarily think psychiatrists have the right to define who is trans and who is not and I don’t necessarily think that you need to have gender dysphoria to be trans or benefit from transitioning. You might, for example, feel fine/okay/good as a woman, but be really delighted when you’re treated as a man (gender euphoria, rather than dysphoria). But even by the most narrow, strict, gatekeepy definition, I feel like you would undeniably qualify.

As one of my favorite people on /r/ftm puts it, “Trans and scared is still trans.” In other words, the question of whether you are trans and whether to transition are two different questions. “I’m scared/I don’t want to/I have too much to lose” is a reason not to transition, but it’s not a reason you’re not trans. You don’t get to choose whether you are trans, and you can’t reason your way out of it. You can choose what, if anything, to do about it. Whether to come out (to anyone/everyone/individual people), whether to take any transition steps (medically/socially), whether to experiment with presentation (privately/publicly/in specific environments): it’s all up to you.

So. Let’s talk about being scared to transition.

I can’t tell you that your fears are unfounded. While closeted people often overestimate the dangers or negative consequences of coming out, it’s hard to know how accurate your fears were except in retrospect. In particular, youth who depend on their families for financial and practical support are often being logical when they choose not to come out until they are on their own for reasons of safety and in order to do things like complete their education.

With that said, it’s my experience that trans people considering transition (and human beings in general) tend to be too risk-averse. We overvalue what we stand to lose, and undervalue what we stand to gain.

Of course it’s a lot easier to picture what you may lose. That’s stuff you have now. Your current personal relationships, opportunities, status in your family and community, etc. It’s harder to appreciate a future that feels hazy and theoretical, feelings you have never experienced and may have never seen modeled. Things like:

What it feels like to not have dysphoria. To feel at home in your body; as if your body is simply yours. What if feels like to have an enormous part of your brain just sort of freed from constant low-level anxiety and discomfort, just available to relax and do other things - be creative, plan the future, be more present in your life.

A raised bar for happiness. So many trans people I know, including myself, experienced this. You go your whole life experiencing a certain range of happiness - let’s call it -100 to +100 with -100 being the saddest you’ve ever been and +100 being the happiest you’ve ever been. You think “What right do I have to be happier than about 0, maybe +10, most of the time?” Then, you transition and realize that your +50 was most people’s 0. Most people were just happier than you most of the time! And your cap is higher, too: you thought it only went to +100 but actually it goes to +200. You are not deliriously happy all the time after you transition, but your baseline and your cap have been raised because there’s not a constant weight of dysphoria dragging them down.

To be your authentic self in your relationships. To be able to be truly honest and vulnerable with another person, walls down, and not to worry that if they catch a glimpse of the “real you” they’ll run because this IS the real you and they see it and they love you as you are.

To bond with other trans people based on shared experiences and outlook, and to realize you’re not alone - profoundly not alone - that super specific experiences that you thought made you weird actually made you a member of a community.

I can’t guarantee that you experience all the most joyous joys and benefits of transition that a trans person can experience, nor can I guarantee that your fears are overblown and that you won’t lose a thing. Plenty of trans people experience loss and change along with their transition. (I lost some, directly and indirectly related to my transition, though I still feel that what I gained is so so worth it.) There is always risk in life and, unfortunately, an unfair share of it falls on the shoulders of queer people.

But I can promise you that there are joys. There is a future for you where you just have a normal boring life as a man and you don’t think about gender all the time. It is possible. Being treated as a man, having a flat chest, a deep voice, a beard, a “he” pronoun, nearly any aspect of maleness that seems so unattainable to you is eminently achievable and very reasonable to want and expect and reach out and take.

You only get one go-round on this earth so why not find out?

[transadvice]

I've recently begun reevaluating my gender identity and I'm definitely not the cis man I thought I was. I'm still figuring out exactly what I identify as, but my best guess is that I'm a trans woman. However I worry that I'm not giving enough consideration to the idea that I'm non-binary, genderfluid, agender or something else that exists outside the binary genders. At the same time, I also worry that my apprehension about choosing my identity stems from internalised imposter syndrome (1/2)

Part 2 of question: (2/2) and I'm only considering non binary and others as possibilities because they'd be easier to 'pass' as than being a trans woman. Since I've still got a lot to figure out, I was wondering, what questions should I be asking myself and where should I be directing my introspection as I do so? As an additonal side note; I feel more dymorphia about body hair than I do about having male genitals, is that unusual? Thank you for your help and advice.

My answer: 

Side note first: it’s totally common to not have genital dysphoria, or to not have much. Pop culture does us a disservice by painting genital dysphoria as the main or most important sign of being trans. It absolutely isn’t. Some people have it, and lots of people don’t. It’s common to have more dysphoria about other physical characteristics (e.g. body hair), or about social signifiers (e.g. pronouns), or about physical characteristics for social reasons (e.g. voice but only because it gets you misgendered), or to not have dysphoria at all but only euphoria (i.e. not disliking the name ‘Steve’, but just really loving/wanting the name ‘Katie’). By the same token, genital surgery isn’t the only/most important transition step, and for many people it’s not even on the radar! Of course, pop culture is mostly cis-driven and the cis tend to vastly overestimate the importance of genitals to gender identity, so.  

Okay. Onto your main question. It can definitely be a journey to figure out the specific flavor of your trans-ness: whether you are binary trans or nonbinary in some way. There’s a lot of gray area between them, and it’s okay for your thoughts to change on that over time. You don’t need to pin it all down now. Nor do you need to fully figure out your identity before taking any transition steps. In fact, I think that’s often impossible. You can only get so far with introspection alone. At some point you have to start trying stuff.

Think of this this way: It’s not like you’re choosing between the Deluxe Binary Transition Package and the Prix Fixe Nonbinary Transition Package. Every transition step is a la carte. You can change your name, or not; use she/her pronouns, or not; take HRT, or not; wear dresses, or not; and so on. Any of these steps could be part of a binary or nonbinary transition. You don’t have to know ahead of time how each step will end up factoring into your overall transition journey. You just have to want to do that one thing.  

So my challenge for you is to get out of the theoretical and into the practical.  Set aside “who am I really” and “what does it mean.” Those questions are too big, hard, and abstract. Instead ask yourself: What do I want to do or try? What makes me feel bad? What makes me feel great? What’s the next step I can try that may help me get further from bad and closer to great? If I’m not sure if I’ll like something, how can I test drive it in a safe way? 

For example, you know you feel dysphoric about body hair. Okay: so laser/electrolysis seems like a reasonable direction to go. If you’re not sure you want to make it permanent, or you can’t afford to, you could try waxing, or even just shaving your legs. You don’t need to know if you’re a trans woman or nonbinary in order to remove your body hair, temporarily or permanently. 

Each decision or experiment will give you more information. It may become more clear to you over time that you lean in one direction or another. Or you may end up where I am - still not sure if I’d call myself binary or nonbinary, but so glad I took the transition steps I did nonetheless. Happy enough that it doesn’t matter. 

P.S. You don’t owe everyone you meet complete knowledge of your gender identity, whether or not you understand it yourself. It’s okay to have a “public” and “private” version with more or less level of detail/precision.

P.P.S. Fear is the mind-killer. Any time you find yourself thinking “I must be X because it would be easier/less scary than being Y,” that’s a time to really lean in and unpack those thoughts. For one thing, it’s not true (neither being nonbinary or binary trans is inherently easier, they both have different challenges). For another, it’s not relevant. It doesn’t matter what outcome you hope for; you are who you are. And the least easy thing is to try to force yourself to be someone you’re not.

[transadvice]

i don't see how there can be much advice in this situation, so feel free to delete if you don't know what to say or smt!!! i just need to vent a bit. i got asked to do an interview for an article on writing for my school's newspaper. i agreed to do it, but i'm a freshman & haven't even gone to school physically yet bcuz of covid, so I asked that my pronouns be specified somewhere. idk, i just... wanted to start off with the right foot i guess, esp. since i feel like writing is (1/2

Part 2 of question: 

... usually(wrongfully) geared towards girls. she said she would and it was all cool! i was actually excited. but then i got an email today. the teacher told her to avoid using pronouns for me, & it’s too late for me to say i don’t want to do it bcuz I already sent everything & the girl’s grade is hanging off this report. i’m just so… sad. angry too. just overall upset- i was excited to be in something bigger and to show off my writing, to be treated equally, but i just feel so small now. 2/2

My answer: 

I’m having a little trouble following the characters here, but it sounds like a student reporter from your school newspaper asked you to do an interview, and you agreed along with requesting that your correct pronouns be included. Later, the reporter came back to you and told you that she had been overruled by the teacher advisor and they would not print your pronouns. 

I’m curious, is the reporter planning to misgender you in the article, or just avoid pronouns? Either way, this is straight up transphobic (I think misgendering is worse than avoiding pronouns, but they’re both bad). It’s also just bad journalistic ethics. You laid out conditions for being interviewed, and she did not meet them. It would not be wrong for you to insist on pulling the interview. I don’t really see how her grade can hang on this interview (isn’t the school newspaper typically an extracurricular acitivity?), and anyway, it’s not your problem. You made it clear what your conditions were. As an interview subject, you have every right to back out if you feel the paper is planning to misrepresent you. 

I acknowledge that the teacher is more at fault than the reporter here, but it’s possible the reporter has more ability to push back than she thinks, once she has something to lose. Anyway, it’s the only leverage you have. You don’t need to be “the accommodating one” just because someone else is being unreasonable. If this reporter’s grade hangs on the interview; if she can’t print the interview without your consent; if you won’t give consent if you’re being misgendered; and if a teacher is forcing her to misgender you: she can take it up with the teacher! You’re not doing anything wrong. 

In the event that the paper runs the interview without your consent, or you choose not to withdraw consent, it’s certainly a shitty situation, and I don’t blame you at all for feeling betrayed and disrespected. You’re in the right here. 

Some things you could do to take action and/or help yourself feel better: 

- If there is anyone who works at the school that you trust, such as a teacher, administrator, or guidance counselor, talk to them about it. 

- Write an op-ed for the paper denouncing the paper’s policy of misgendering students. 

- Tell friends what happened and get some support.  

- Talk to someone you trust outside the school, such as a family member or therapist. 

- Use your writing talent to express yourself in your own way, such as by journaling, writing poetry, posting online, etc. (whatever your medium is). Take your power back by representing yourself the way you want to be represented. 

[transadvice]

My sister just came out as trans and I wanted to send her a care package to let her know I love and support her. I'm the older (cis) sister, so I was thinking of giving her some of my clothes/makeup. Is there anything else that might be a useful/practical gift for an adult beginning her transition?

Hey! I think this sounds like a cute idea! I am totally on board with the idea that transition is a time when you get gifts. Just like a housewarming, it’s a time when you often need new stuff! Early transition folks can always use more clothes. Make sure you have a sense of her sizes and style preferences so you give her something she can use. (It can tricky for cis people to give trans people their old clothes sometimes because of sizing issues; for example, I’m quite small so most of my cis male friends’ old clothes are too big. This is especially noticeable for things that require specific sizing, like shoes. But it can work if you happen to be similar sizes, or if you give one-size-fits-all things like accessories.)

I’d also include something not related to her transition, just to show you still think of her as her, a unique individual, and not “generic woman.” For example, you might include a book or snack she’ll enjoy.

If, like many trans people, your sister struggles financially, and you can afford it, money or a gift card could also be great!

Trans friends of tumblr, feel free to suggest other stuff! 

[transadvice]

Hey! I've identified as non-binary since I knew what the concept was but more recently I've been trying to distinguish whether or not that I should identify as trans as well? Ive always thought I was fine with the body I was born in and I figured that meant I was cis, but recently I've acknowledged that while I've accepted the way I was born I would have really preferred to have been born the "opposite" sex. Basically I wish I was going about transitioning towards the middle from the other direction. Some friends have joked that I'm kind of "trans lite" which is sort of what I've been going with haha.

I really relate to your concept of, “Well I’m nonbinary, but I wish I were getting there from the other direction.” There have been so many times in my life pre-transition when I wanted to rock androgynous fashion, but felt I couldn’t because I would be read as a woman, when what I wanted was to be read as a man wearing makeup or whatever. There’s a great page in Maia Kobabe’s fantastic graphic novel “Gender Queer” where e represents eir gender presentation as a set of scales. What Maia wants to achieve is balance, but “assigned female at birth” as a huge weight weighing down one side, which makes em feel like e has to load up on masc presentation to balance it out. 

I will say, just as food for thought, that those feelings have gotten a lot easier for me since I did take transition steps. Taking testosterone, getting top surgery, and changing my name and pronouns alleviated a lot of dysphoria. It means I can figure out what I actually like in terms of my presentation, instead of what I feel will overcome the burden of my secondary sex characteristics and balance the scales. 

Just because you’re nonbinary doesn’t mean you can’t or don’t have a preference for certain body characteristics, binary pronouns, or anything else that’s usually associated with a binary sex or gender. You don’t have to “get over it” and be okay with something you’re not okay with just because some other nonbinary people are. You are also allowed to take steps to change those things you’re not okay with, even if you don’t change everything, and even if you never ID as binary.

“I accept that I was born this way” isn’t the same as “cis.” There’s a difference between being grudgingly accepting something and preferring it. Cis people aren’t “just ok” with being their sex. They wouldn’t have it any other way. That’s what it means to be cis. If you wish you had been assigned another sex at birth - even if you feel that it’s not a strong or important feeling, and even if you feel that you would still be nonbinary in that scenario - that sounds pretty trans to me, my friend. Not trans lite. Just trans.

[transadvice]

I feel bad about being attracted to women. Before I realized I was trans, I was fine with complimenting girls and thinking that they're beautiful and stuff, but now that I'm a guy, I feel like I'm making them uncomfortable by being attracted to them. My biggest fear is becoming a creep when I'm an adult, especially towards women because I know what it's like to feel creeped out by men like that. Is this normal? I'm asexual if it helps.

You’re not being creepy just by being attracted to people. What makes creepers creepy isn’t the fact that they’re attracted to other people, it’s the way they express that by crossing boundaries and failing (or refusing) to understand signals from the other person that their attentions are unwanted. 

It’s true that, because of some extremely shitty behavior mostly by straight cis men, women are often on their guard around men in a way they aren’t around other women. So, while a nonsexual compliment such as “I love your top!” could come across as just platonic cheerfulness if you’re read as a woman, the same compliment may seem like a come-on if you’re read as a man. Even if you’ve wanted to be read as a man all your life, it can be painful and sad to begin to “pass” and realize that women are now afraid of you or on guard around you in a way they didn’t used to be. It’s not your fault, and it’s nothing you did, but it’s still a good idea to honor that guardedness by keeping your interactions polite and respectful and not trying to get too familiar, too fast. 

That doesn’t mean you can’t flirt! Flirting can be amazing and fun for everyone! Flirting isn’t in itself a creepy activity, it’s only creepy if it’s boundary-crossing. But you’re not one of those guys who claims that women are an enigma and there’s NO WAY to tell if they’re enjoying themselves or not. You know firsthand what it’s like to be creeped out by men, and you know the signals people send when they’re trying to shut down an interaction (e.g. changing the subject, trying to leave, weak laughter, closed body language). You also know what it looks and feels like when someone is enjoying the interaction and wants it to continue.

It’s pretty common for people with low self-esteem to assume nobody wants to talk to them and therefore everybody is just grudgingly putting up with them instead of genuinely enjoying them, and from what you’ve told me, I think that this is more likely than the possibility that you are actually being creepy. These self-loathing thoughts are just your jerkbrain talking; it’s not true. Just as you genuinely enjoy and welcome attention from your friends and dates, so do they genuinely enjoy and welcome attention from you, because you’re awesome! 

[transadvice]

how do non binary people count as trans? i’m figuring out labels (if any) for myself and i’m considering “agender,” which is under non binary, which is under trans. can agender, demi gender, and non binary people use the trans flag and call themselves trans?

There's no Official Ruling Body of Labels, so you can take whichever ones you feel apply to you and leave the rest. In the abstract, I would in general consider agender and demi-gender to be under the nonbinary umbrella and nonbinary to be under the trans umbrella (trans expansively meaning anyone that’s not cis). However, some nonbinary people do not consider themselves trans, and I’m not here to make them! It’s really up to you which labels speak to you and which ones you feel describe you accurately. 

One thing I would suggest you watch out for is internalized gatekeeping, which is when you think, “Sure I would LIKE to be trans, but unfortunately I don’t count because of reasons.” Or "I'm just a fraud, taking attention away from REAL trans people." Many, many trans people (including both binary and nonbinary) go through a lot of angst about whether or not we are “trans enough.” We tend to be a lot harsher on ourselves than we would be on anyone else. Sure anyone ELSE can be trans, but when it comes to ourselves, we narrowly define "trans" in such a way as to exclude ourselves. It can help to force yourself to actually spell out, in words, the reasons you think you are not trans (maybe write them out). Then ask yourself, if a friend said that about themselves, what would you say to them?

To sum up, as a nonbinary person:

- If you don’t want to identify as trans, you don’t have to

- If you want to, you can

- If you want to, but you’re worried you don’t count, ask yourself why; could it be internalized gatekeeping? 

[transadvice]

Hi I’m afab and questioning my gender. I wanted to know if the binders with zippers are a good idea. I already have a regular binder but it is impossible to put on. I know I probably got the wrong size but the zippers look so much easier.

I’ve never tried a binder with a zipper but some people like them. You might have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find the binder that’s right for you. 

Shapeshifters makes a binder with a zipper and they have a FAQ about it, if that helps. (Not an affiliate link, just something I found.) https://shapeshifters.co/2019/08/22/2019-3-18-zipper-binders-everything-you-need-to-know/

[transadvice]

my girlfriend of one year came out to me last night as trans (mtf). im so happy she’s doing this and im so happy she told me. but im so scared in the process ill lose her. im so scared i wont be able to support like she needs or i’ll remind her of her past. im so scared ill lose her.

Breaking up is not a foreground conclusion of transition. I personally know many relationships that have survived and thrived after one (or both!) partners transition, and I believe that it is both possible and more common than people think! I know I advise a lot of early transitioners on here to break up with their cis partners, but I do that when the partner is unsupportive, which you are not. 

It’s ONE DAY after your partner came out to you and you are already referring to her with new pronouns and language. You are happy for her. Your first thoughts are how you can support her and hang onto her, not what this means for you. You have everything going for you, my friend. I am not saying that your relationship will 100% last forever - nobody can promise you that -  but it sounds as though, with regards to her coming out and her transitioning, you are doing everything right. 

There’s no manual for how to be a good partner to a trans person. When it comes to her gender and issues relating to her transition, everyone is different, so you just have to listen to her about what she wants and needs. Beyond that, it’s the usual healthy relationship stuff: kindness, honesty, reciprocity. 

I wouldn’t worry too much about “reminding her of her past.” In my experience, most trans people do not need or want a complete break with their past in order to move forward with our transitioning. Sometimes such a break is thrust upon us, and we deal with it, but I have never known a trans person to WANT to lose their primary personal relationships due to transition. We want our people to accept and love and support us, to listen to us and trust us about our own experiences, and to be able to adapt to the (relatively small tbh) changes that we make to be more comfortable in our lives. Like you, we worry that coming out and transitioning will change our relationships. I’m sure that for your girlfriend, hearing that you love her and you want to continue to be with her was extremely reassuring. 

If I may give you one more piece of advice, try not let fear of ending ruining the relationship you have now. Your relationship may end for any of a hundred reasons unrelated to transition. If so, you’ll survive. You are a strong person and so is she. Just as it’s possible to live fully with the certainty of mortality, it’s possible to love fully with the knowledge that all relationships end, whether that’s in a hundred days or a hundred years. Enjoy what you have together now. Love her. Let her love you. Live in the moment. What I would love for you both is to continue choosing each other, day after day, not from a place of fear and loss aversion, but from a place of strength and abundance. 

[transadvice]

I am a nonbinary who is afab. It is a relatively new revelation for me, as I also discovered I was aro/ace this last year as well, and the year has been a rollercoaster. Now, I am thinking I am a transmasc leaning nonbinary, but I am having a hard time thinking it through. Frankly, I am mentally exhausted after all of this, tbh. I guess my question is, what does transmasc mean to someone who carries the label? Can someone share their experience with transmasculinity?

I can tell you what transmasculinity means to me, but that doesn’t mean that it will mean the same thing to you. It doesn’t mean that if your experience isn’t like mine, you aren’t transmasculne. There are no hard and fast rules on this stuff, which is part of why it’s so hard! You’re allowed to identify with any words that you feel describe you. There will be no quiz. 

Starting with the nuts and bolts, I was assigned female at birth, but while I have never had a stereotypically masculine/butch temperament or fashion sense, I also never felt comfortable with being “a woman”, with being called “she,” with having curves, etc., so I set about transitioning socially and medically. I started that process not really sure if I’d end up identifying as a binary man or a nonbinary person, and to be honest, after four years, I’m still sort of in that “in between” space, although it does not cause me distress. I may just remain here! I’m very happy with my choices to change my name to a more typically male one, use “he/him” pronouns, get top surgery, and take testosterone. I don’t really necessarily feel like “a man,” or really understand what that means. I’m probably closer to being nonbinary in terms of my personal feeling about my gender, but if I have to choose, I am much more comfortable being read as male than as female. I still like to wear pink.

I often find “transmasculine” is the most apt word to describe me, although I don’t use it consistently or consider it my gender or anything. I use different words to describe myself in different situations, depending on the context, my mood, my intention at the time, and what aspect of my gender I’m trying to communicate at the moment. 

I identify myself as being “transmasculine” in situations when I want to communicate that (1) I am trans: that is, I do not identify with the gender marker I was assigned at birth, I transitioned, etc. (2) I am trans in a masculine direction: that is to say, I was assigned female at birth and my particular transition steps generally take me away from being read as female and toward being read as male. 

In situations where i don’t care about communicating #2, I might just say, “I am trans.” In situations where the main thing I want to talk about is gender expansiveness or the failures of the gender binary, I might identify myself as nonbinary. In situations where, say, it’s just a bureaucratic form and I want to get through the interaction with as little friction as possible, I just go ahead and check the box next to “M.” 

In other words, you don’t need to commit to a label. The further you are from the neat simplicity of the cisnormative gender binary, the more likely you will likely need to adapt different identifiers in different situations. This doesn’t mean you’re being dishonest or lying by omission, it just means you’re giving the amount of information that is warranted in a given situation. People often ask for gender when they mean something else, like “should we send you ads about pants ors skirts,” or “do you want to attend the bachelor or the bachelorette party,” so people on the nonbinary spectrum often have to get used to intuiting the actual question and answering it in whatever way makes sense at the time. 

If it makes you feel more comfortable to settle on a label, “transmasculine” is a pretty broad and fluid one that can encompass whatever aspects of trans-ness and masculinity that you want it to. 

[transadvice]

Hi, I'm a married trans dude and my husband is cis. I think this is more of a relationship issue but he doesn't make me feel handsome? He tends to ruin my enthusiasm when I feel good about myself by making jokes. He says he likes me whatever I look like. I used to be a model and cared a lot about my appearance but this attitude made me lose all enthusiasm... Like what's the point? He never even asks me for cute couple pictures... I don't feel handsome and therefore masculine...

"He tends to ruin my enthusiasm when I feel good about myself by making jokes” is where I thought “fuck that guy.” Look, I understand that it can be hard to navigate a partner’s transition - I’ve been there! But it’s not an excuse to be rude, belittling, or undermining. If you realize that you and your partner have incompatible goals in life, and that the feel most attractive when you are least attracted to them, you should have the courage and honor to just break up instead of picking away at their happiness through petty little barbs, 

Some relationships can survive transition, but both partners need to be extremely gentle and understanding and have A+ communication, AND they both need to be attracted to each other when the dust settles. Is your husband attracted to you? Does he want to be married to a man? 

It’s so demoralizing when the people you love insist on shitting on your gender euphoria. Transition is difficult enough without being surrounded by people who insist they love you but who go out of their way to ruin every fleeting moment of joy, or who are openly miserable when you’re happy and vice versa. When possible, I suggest getting physical distance from people like that, at least for a trial period while you work on your own stuff. It’s impossible to figure out who you really are and what really brings you joy when you’re trying to fit into the increasingly restrictive mold of “what would make my sarcastic partner happy.”