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T minus 18 months

More or less, anyway.

The biggest thing since the last update was when my home GP gave me a huge anxiety attack when they told my mum my referral hadn’t been processed because I’m at uni and should have been referred to my local GIC.

So that sucked.

Especially because that GP had just been really bad at relaying information and just wanted to ask for my uni address because the main NHS system didn’t have it. My referral is as it was.

I think it shook my mum quite a bit because I heard about the referral through her and broke down with her on the phone. I think that was the first time she realised how much it meant to me.

We had a chat about church, because I’ve not been back to my first church here since last term. The main reason is that the new vicar knows my dad fairly well and I didn’t want to complicate my dad’s work life any more than I might have already. I simply didn’t feel safe going to that church with someone who could potentially out me if my dad had spoken a lot about me being at uni - which he often does.

If there’s one thing my mum understand, it’s feeling ostracised at church, and I think that was another turning point for our relationship since I came out. I’ve gone to a different church since, and it’s made a big difference.

Then I had quite a big conversation with one of my housemates about what it means to be trans. It was a tough conversation, because she’s not exactly great at thinking before she speaks. She still “thinks homosexuality is wrong” but she accepts that being trans isn’t a choice. It’s caused a lot of stress since, because she doesn’t understand the impact of suddenly springing these opinions on me or my girlfriend, and now thinks she can ask me any question at any point. It makes me happy that I’ve changed her perception of trans people, but her comments do hurt.

I’ve still got a weird relationship with food and my weight. I’ve put back on the weight I lost last term, I think through stress and eating less healthily than I did before. It’s more noticeable I think because I’ve been helping at ergs more so I’ve been physically in the gym - just with my joints playing up as much as they have, even sleeping has been risky. Today I noticed that my arms are fatter than they have been, yet I can put my watch one setting tighter than I could before. My jeans are looser around the thighs, but around the waistband you can see my hips bulging. I’ve been trying to eat less as well as healthier but I don’t have the willpower or the energy to cook healthy dinners.

I’ve been comparing myself to others again a lot more than I did last term. I keep daydreaming about what it will finally be like to be on T. What it will be like when I’ve had top surgery. For the first time, I’ve imagined having bottom surgery. And now? I’m fed up with being trans. For the first time, I’m not proud of being trans. I’ll use it, sure, to be a role model, to help other people and inspire them, but I’m disgusted by being trans. I hate it, and I hate that I feel so inadequate in this body.

I’m applying for an internship that looks exactly like the kind of career I want except there’s no hiding that I’m trans if I want to be gendered correctly. My mental health won’t take not being gendered correctly. I’m going to be openly trans for the first time and I’m scared, even though I know I need to get used to it. I need to get my suit tailored because there’s so long until I get on T.

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T minus 19.5 months

Something inside me has been putting off updating, hence the 19.5 counter since a 20 would be vastly inaccurate.

A lot has happened this last month:

1. Christmas. Was as much a nightmare as expected. I didn’t feel too bad dysphoria wise until we had guests over from boxing day onwards, when I was being noticeably gendered. My uncle likes to call me [adjective] woman/lady/girl which isn’t the best, especially since he and my aunt stayed for an extra day without warning any of us. I was in pieces by the time they left and frankly that ruined the rest of the holiday. I was ill until new year, at which point I’d given up even trying to stay healthy.

2. My best friend visiting from Germany when I got back to uni was a much needed boost. I’m so unbelievably comfortable around her and it was so nice to be able to relax at home and be my own self without worrying about her judging me.

3. I went to the national LGBTSteminar with my girlfriend and another of my friends and it was the most inspiring thing I’ve been to. It was a group of LGBT+ scientists talking about scientists and their LGBT+ experiences both separately and together and I came away with about a hundred new role models.

4. The Steminar gave me a whole new perspective for this term that I’m reappreciating having read the T-21 month update. I can’t put my finger on why but I’m standing taller and I’m more comfortable in myself now that I can see other trans people who have made it in their fields. I’m not alone, and if anything is going to be a hindrance in my scientific career, being trans won’t be that thing. In the Steminar, being LGBT+ was celebrated. I was allowed to be trans and something else and have outside interests but also be proud of the qualities that being trans gives me. Even now, two weeks later, I’m bowled over by how much of an effect it is still having on me.

5. I got a first in the piece of work I was doing all of last term (the presentation I talked about was part of this). I am beyond relieved, but also the comments were really nice and they said they liked the presentation. It’s been a great booster for the term and I’m feeling more driven than I think I ever have at uni.

6. My Erasmus+ application has been sent off and every time I think of going abroad I can’t wait. That’s a big improvement from two terms ago when I didn’t want to even do a 4th year.

7. I’m still struggling with church. I haven’t been since being back at uni, partly genuinely because of coxing and the weather (we’ve had so much ice here it’s been a hazard just opening the door) but partly because as comfortable as I am being trans now in every other part of my uni life, I’m not comfortable at church. The vicar is getting increasingly involved with the youth but he knows my dad so well that I can’t chance being on anything on Facebook or even introducing myself to him. I’m uncomfortable being a trans Christian and I’m uncomfortable outing myself to anyone who doesn’t already know.

8. My house is all Christian, which makes a difference, but one of my housemates has recently brought up having a house prayer meeting. I can’t help but feel incredibly uneasy at the thought of praying aloud. My faith is deeply deeply personal and a lot of my conversations with God and prayers have been in my head as I break down in tears, just thinking at Him rather than articulating anything. How do you explain to your cis housemates the insecurity that comes with being a trans Christian? How do you explain that you don’t want to go to church because you’re different, and so painfully, obviously different? Church has gone from being a haven like in first year to causing me so much stress and anxiety now, but my housemates always sound disappointed when I can’t get to church.

9. I watched One Day At A Time and realised how much I miss my grandparents and I can’t help wondering what they’d make of the whole trans thing.

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T minus 21 months

It’s been an academically challenging month, and with that comes a ton of insecurities about everything. My voice is noticeably higher than cis men’s, obviously, so I still sound and look like a 12 year old.

I coxed for a men’s crew who amazingly thought I was a guy which was...very nice if confusing. My own boat club continue to correct people on my pronouns which is incredible.

I went home for a weekend for my cousin’s birthday and that was brutal. Ironically, the only one of the 6 parents to call me by my shortened, gender neutral birthname was my uncle’s wife who hates my mum and hated their mother when she was alive. My parents consistently called my and my sister ‘girls’, and used ‘she’, which really doesn’t bode well for the holidays given my dad was even aware how hard meeting with family is for me when I’m not out to them because he brought it up on the way to the station.

I’ve been struggling with feeling like I’m inferior to other people because I’m trans. There’s a lot in the media that targets trans people and it is a struggle, especially when places like college that should be at least comfortable for me are often full of people arguing both sides of any trans argument very loudly - and frankly it’s as exhausting being supported as it is being denied. My existence isn’t up for debate either way.

I’ve not been to church for a while, just to avoid hearing the wrong pronouns. I want to go, but I don’t want to put myself in that position.

Related to voice, I’ve noticed I’ve been speaking less so people don’t hear my voice as much, but I’ve got a presentation tomorrow which counts towards my degree so has my birthname all over it and I’m debating if I should bind even though my ribs are playing up again.

I’ve got to sort my year abroad application and work out how or whether to disclose that I’m trans. The coordinator has so far been using my birthname in everything, including in front of other students, despite the fact that all my emails have been signed with my chosen name.

I’m still losing weight and my sister noticed, and I’m still exhausted from all the work and other stuff this term.

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T minus 22 months

I’ve been thinking more and more about what my life will be like post transition. I can’t wait to wear clothes that properly fit me, especially suits, and I can’t wait until I just look like a small guy, permanently.

I want to teach, but teaching when I’ve just started T feels very risky. I want to get a job, but the same thing applies. My most likely course of action will be taking a gap year for my first year on T (and hopefully top surgery) then going to Edinburgh for a masters.

At the moment, I have no concrete future plans and everything is running on day-to-day deadlines.

I got a call from CHX about changing my address because the system just loves when you refer yourself from your home GP. It’s happening. The wheels have been set in motion. I’m so excited.

I’ve lost weight without actively trying to, which is nice. My trousers are getting baggier and I’m losing some of that curvy-ness I’ve had since I was 10.

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T minus 23 months

It’s been an incredibly busy month what with term starting at the start of October.

Transition-wise nothing has happened except my parents continuing to use the wrong pronouns and my sister still calling me her sister.

The main cause of stress has been academic which makes a nice change from trans stuff. The one member of staff I needed to come out to was my German leader, who took it really well and keeps checking with me how she can make sure I’m comfortable in her classroom - her words, not mine.

The student minister at church continues to think I’m female and I don’t have the energy to correct her right now. It’s currently enough that my closest church friends use the right pronouns and all my (Christian) housemates do too. 

I’ve had some strained ribs so haven’t been able to bind, so passing has gone from 5% to 0% and it’s knocked me a bit even though the people I’ve been largely use my pronouns anyway.

My latest haircut is my favourite from three years of short hair and combined with some of my new shirts and a fresh shave actually makes me look masculine from the shoulders up. Dodgy elbows and knees have slowed my goal of bulking up on the muscle front, but these things happen.

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T minus 24 months

11th September marked my trip to the GP to be referred to Charing Cross GIC, starting my journey down the long road of medical transition in the UK. There is currently a 12-14 month waiting list for a first appointment, followed by a rough 12 months of other assessments and appointments before hormones can be prescribed.

Add to that my year abroad in a year’s time, and I’m looking at at least 24 months before I start T.

I came out to my parents rather unexpectedly in January, and since then have been navigating the painful situation of a lot of confusion and a lot of hurt on both sides.

Getting to the GP, with my mother by my side, was really the first time I felt truly supported by either of my parents, and the calm acceptance of the GP we saw made it an incredibly positive milestone.

Just getting the process started has changed something in my mind. Transition is still a long way off - something I know my parents are glad of - but knowing that I now have a rough timescale to work with has done wonders for my mental health.

Instead of “I wish I could go swimming - but I’ll never be able to swim in a body I’m comfortable in”, I find myself saying “I wish I could go swimming - but wait a couple of years and I can.”

I can’t wait for the time when I can play music with a flat chest and no binder. I can’t wait for the time when I can buy clothes that properly fit because I don’t have to hide my chest. I can’t wait for the time when I can wear a suit that hugs my shoulders and ignores my hips and I can’t wait to be happy in my body.

And now, that’s not that far away.

(Okay, 24 months is still quite far away.)

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A bit about me

This blog is where I plan to document my transition from now, a few weeks after my GP referral, to at least 36 months’ time when I hope to be a year on T.

It will be a monthly update on my medical and social transition and probably not a lot more than that because I’m a student who keeps discovering deadlines even though term is yet to start.

I will also share some of the advice I’ve been given and experiences I’ve had as a trans person of faith. Being in the LGBTQ+ community and in a religious community can be alienating when both sides seek to exclude you and I know of precious few people in my off-Tumblr life who are LGBTQ+ people of faith. We are not alone.