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Vincent van Gogh, The Starry Night, 1889 🎨

Edvard Munch, Starry Night, 1893 🎨

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I love when they

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I took myself to the beach the other day to watch the sunset at a spot that typically doesn't have many people, like usually I see maybe 3 other people. But in that short time I spent sitting on a log I watched 3 different couples come down to the beach and pause together to look at the sunset before carefully stepping up on a big log to get to the actual beach. They all shared a moment of touch, a hand on their back or leaning their heads together or reaching out to ensure the other could cross the log safely. Very small moments but it felt very intimate for me to be seeing them all. I think I felt jealous that I don't have someone to share those small moments of connection with. To share a sigh and take in the sunset together. I’m jealous that other people are in love and have someone to love. I’m jealous that I’m not that person for someone.

But I just tell myself how nice it is that i can appreciate the view on my own, and spend as much time there as I want. How nice it is that I crossed the log on my own, how i could choose which path I took and how much time I took getting there. How nice it is that I am wearing the handwarmers I knit for myself, and how holding my hands in such a way keeps the warmth.

but I can never hold my hand the way someone else could. I want someone else to rub their thumb on the back of my hand. I want someone to be gentle and thoughtful in the small ways they touch me.

It feels like I’m never gonna find another person I want to love. it feels like something is wrong with me and i can’t figure out what I need to be doing differently in order to find someone who wants to be with me. it’s been years since I’ve fallen in love. it’s been months since i’ve been held. im like wishing wanting waiting for something to happen but maybe nothing will. maybe I’m not meant to be a lover. maybe i am supposed to be alone. maybe i won’t find someone who i want to be with. it’s human to want that life but maybe it’s just not for me. i have a whole life ahead of me but ive spent so much of it alone and im tired! im tired of this loneliness. i just want my hand held.

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porn bots love me, fish fear me

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when i was a kid and i would hear about things like solitary confinement and how being alone for too long can make a person crazy, i was so confused as to why that was, but now…… oh i’m starting to get it now

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starting to loose faith in the affirmation that i am worthy & deserving of love!

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The Yellow Cloud ~ by Maurice Sapiro…

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Andy Goldsworthy, Snow Shadow Brough, Cumbria 13th January 1985

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i regret my haircut and people keep telling me it looks good but i feel so ugly and weird and not myself when I look at myself or try to take pics of myself! but idk what feeling like myself even looks like anymore!

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Ritual   -   Mia Bergeron, 2020.

American, b. 1979   -    

Oil on panel ,   10 x 8 in.  25.40 x 20.32 cm.

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Józef Chełmoński (1849 - 1914)  

Moonrise, 1888

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tfw ur crush tells u they just wanna be friends & they realistically can’t see me more than once a month…… but want to talk about their other partner to me…. to process their anxious attachment polyamorous feelings… I hate it here :|

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Caspar David Friedrich (1774 -1840, German) ~ Schwaene im Schilf, 1820

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letting go | words for the new year

( original post )

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‘Winter sun’, Mikhail Markianovich Germachev