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went looking for Goose this morning and he tumbled out of the kitchen cabinet

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i was at a coffee shop in some random town once waiting on my drink. i was the only person there until someone walked in and walked up to the register and they said something crazy like "don't fuck up my order this time, bitch" and i was sooooooo exhausted i stepped forward and i was just like [firm angry mom voice] "no. no. hey. you need to leave right now." and the barista and the customer both turned to me in abject shock and the barista started laughing and the customer looked horrified like they hadn't seen me when they came in and they said "i'm so sorry oh my god I work here. we're friends. i was just messing with them."

and i was like OH! that's a relief.

the barista was still laughing and they said "you were really about to fight for me. i love that." I said was in food service long enough that i'm always ready to fight a customer at any moment. i would have gone for blood. i would've used my teeth.

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This video lives rent free in my head

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yesterday in economic botany we were learning about plant based oil compounds and stuff and my botany professor was talking about lynn seed oil, which in woodworking is rubbed on over furniture as a varnish. this oil has an exothermic chemical reaction with oxygen, meaning that the reaction creates heat. what often happens, apparently, is that woodworkers will finish rubbing on the oil with a rag and then will ball up the rag and throw it away, but because the reaction is taking place and the heat can’t escape (like it would on a piece of furniture where it can be cooled) it gets trapped in the rag, which gets hotter and hotter until it reaches the temperature where it bursts into flame. apparently many woodworking shops have been burned down by this. the proper way to dispose of rags with this oil is to hang them up on a clothesline, so again the reaction never gets enough heat to start a fire. im telling you this because im a writer and ive never heard of substance that will just…spontaneously combust conveniently like that so long as it’s in a confined space. my botany professor tried it in a trash can in his driveway and it did indeed burst into flame after 45 minutes, which is an exceptionally convenient time delay. im sorry im tying this so fast my laptop is on 2% battery and theres no outlet an

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standout moment from Holly and her sister playing the Peppa Pig game

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It will get cold again eventually. The summer will not last forever. I’m not doomed to live in this unbearable heat for all eternity. <- said while gripping the countertop so hard that the tile is starting to crack

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I fucked up

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tiktok is so funny a video will say "tell me your most unhinged fave fanfic tags in the comments" and ppl will be like "omg dont hate me but....dacryphilia 🫣" girl first of all men crying gets everyone hard Second of all

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these are KILLING me

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Like a dog inspires a rabbit

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Can people from the United States stop making jokes about “WW3 😜”….there are people in Iran evacuating their neighborhoods, places they grew up, and all YOU are experiencing is watching the news and a few TikToks….

You are not at war, you will most likely never see war, and if your “dark humor” is coming at the expense of others then it is not dark humor, you’re just an asshole.

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spending his bounteous inheritance

Original photo credit: Pygmy Falcon chick at the San Antonio Zoo

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