trashpanda13

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Hey DC —

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Ok ik this probably isn't real but what if Alfred thought it would be fine if he just gave Tim the suit and told him "go, be free, don't die or you're fired" bc he forgot kids don't usually fight martial arts or given Bat Training™ from a young age. Imagine:

Alfred: Go be the light in these dark times, son.

Tim: thank you. I will.

*15 minutes later*

Bruce, kicking down the door, holding Tim by the cape and dangling him like a scuffed cat: ALFRED WHAT THE HELL!

Alfred: Sir! That was mahogan-

Bruce: You can't just let him go out there! He didn't even know how to punch correctly!!!

Alfred: Whatever do you mean, he should have learned that by now.

Bruce:

Alfred:

Bruce: ... W h a t

Alfred: Young Mr. Drake should have learned by now several martial arts. I mean when you were 11, you-

Bruce, absolutely tired: Alfred.

Alfred: -And by 16 he'll be ready for aerial combat. When I enlisted, lying about my age, I took to the planes rather fast-

Bruce: ALFRED.

Alfred: Don't shout at me, Master Bruce, it's unbecoming. What is it?

Bruce, holding up Tim higher to be in Alfred's line of sight and gesturing vaguely at the small child: HE DOESN'T KNOW COMBAT. HE'S NORMAL.

Alfred: Normal? What do yo- oooooohhhhhhhhhhh

Bruce: YEAH. 'OH' IS RIGHT!!!

Alfred: ... What did I just say about shouting? It's unseemly, Master Bruce.

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He played Roblox murder mystery 2 in 2018-2019, trust!

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Nightwing by Ethan Young

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One of the first lessons Bruce taught Dick when he was training to become Robin was to make use of every weapon in his arsenal. He of course meant his utility belt. But Dick just nodded his head so seriously and said, “Got it.”

And that’s how Robin became the menace kid that bites people. His arms are held back by a goon? Chomp! He can’t reach his birdarangs in time? Chomp! He’s just mad at someone and needs a quick and easy attack? Chomp!

Bruce can’t even get mad, because Dick always looks so proud of himself, and it does work rather efficiently. So he’ll just sigh and pinch the bridge of his nose (even if he’s wearing the cowl) and tell Robin he did a good job.

Bruce is just thankful he doesn’t bite other kids at school when he’s being Dick Grayson. He’s called into the principal’s office at Gotham Academy for enough other reasons, he doesn’t need to add biting to the list.

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Jesper: I'm 80% water 20% waffles and 100% sexy

Matthias: That's 200%

Jesper: I'm twice the man you'll ever be

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sure I could become a slut. but you see, I'm scared

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The Wayne family decide to do a 24 hour charity livestream. It quickly descends into chaos and so many new memes are born.

The highlights include:

- Everyone painting along to a Bob Ross video - Steph's painting somehow catches fire (it was Damian).

- Damian challenges his brothers to a lightsaber duel

- All the kids vs Tim at Call of Duty. Tim wins.

- Dick kicking everyone's asses at Twister

- Dick and Jason try the milk gallon challenge. It does not end well.

- Tim tasers Jason. They get a paramedic to supervise. It takes both Bruce and Dick to hold Jason steady. Tim is grinning evilly the entire time.

- They try to play Werewolf but for some reason they let Stephanie be the "overseer" - goes about as well as you'd think.

- Bruce killing is at karaoke

- They read fanfiction of themselves. Jason gives constructive criticism.

- The most chaotic game of Cards Against Humanity to ever happen

- Superman makes a guest appearance to read some bedtime stories

- Damian has school the next day so he can't stay the whole time but he does introduce all his animals before he heads off to bed. There are about four new ones Bruce didn't know about.

- Bruce shows off all his kids' baby photos. No one knows where he got them from.

- There is a "Wheel of Destiny". They spin it every hour and whatever it lands on, everyone has to complete that task.

- Barbara is there mostly to monitor the livestream and donations and also tell embarrassing stories about the Wayne kids

- Just Dance Rasputin

- Cass tries to teach her dad and brothers ballet. Dick and Tim do pretty well, but Jason tries a pirouette and lands on his ass.

- Tim does drag to Like A Prayer by Madonna. This is how his siblings find out about Caroline Hill.

- Duke reads some of his poetry. It makes Dick cry.

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I'm obsessed with Tim Drake joins the Batfamily early fics, but holy shit I just read one where Tim straight-up gaslighted the Batfamily into thinking he was their kid.

He snuck in, went to breakfast, said to Bruce "Hey, Dad" and complained that Bruce forgot to wake him up after Tim fell asleep in the Batmobile last night. And Tim said so with such confidence that Batman was like, "Did I forget I had another kid???" Freaks out. Does some sleuthing. Tim has planted all this evidence to make it seem like he's been living there a long time.

And they have to go make sure this isn't some time travel or multiuniverse bullshit. Meanwhile, Tim himself internally is going, "Holy shit is this actually working"

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The Robins meeting their future selves:

---

Robin Dick: So we didn’t kill the man that killed our parents?

Nightwing Dick: Ah, Damian was cosmic justice for what I put B through, got it. That makes so much sense.

---

Robin Jason, craning his head back and looking up at his older self: Oh, I became an asshole

Red Hood Jason, mentally: he's so small, how was I ever this small? When did I ever smile like that?

Red Hood Jason, verbally: Watch it twerp

---

Robin Tim: We are as bad as B was, and why are we still even in the cape business??

Red Robin Tim: first off, rude.

---

Robin Steph: So we finally wore B down completely?

Batgirl/Spoiler Steph, with a bat symbol on her chest: Didn't even have to get adopted like the other idiots

---

Robin Damian, disappointed, with sword drawn: We are the blood son of the bat, and heir to the al Ghuls! We shed blood for others, not heal it.

Doctor Damian, equally disappointed: Was I really the angry and tiny? No wonder Timothy didn’t take my murder attempts seriously.

---

Bonus, Duke:

We Are Robin Duke: We really get to work with the Batman? With the Robins? Wear the symbol?

Signal Duke, who has seen the disaster that the Batfamily is, but wants his younger self to have to suffer figuring that out for himself: Yup, we're the first day time vigilante too

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Tim tries very hard to “out-gay” the entire batfam every pride month. The best part is, none of them acknowledge it.

This kid is handing out pride flags as Red Robin. He has bejeweled all his weapons with rainbow rhinestones. He’s frequently on the news for just showing up at pride parades as Red Robin. As Tim Drake, Bruce’s darling son, he has posted multiple YouTube videos where he just buys every pride item a company has put out for pride month and reviews them. He frequently comes to family dinner in full drag. AND NO ONE ACKNOWLEDGES IT.

Clark (eating dinner at the Mannor since Alfred insisted, leans over to Bruce and whispers): I thought Cass your only daughter eating with us tonight?

Bruce: She is?

Clark: Then who’s at the end of the table talking to Dick?

Bruce: That’s Tim.

Clark (confused but supportive): what.

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Jason trying to put all his blames on Tim 😭

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Extremely unsolicited Dick Grayson Robin opinion, but I hate when people retcon him into wearing shorts because the original look makes them uncomfortable.

They weren't UNDERWEAR. Learn what a LEOTARD is.

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Batman, at a Justice League meeting: Everyone, meet Robin, he's my...er...sidekick. He will be aiding us today.

Justice League, in shock:

Superman: Batman, that is a child. Isn't he a little young to be involved in our type of life?

Batman, giving the most exasperated sigh anyone in the room has ever heard, and catching everyone off gaurd: Yes. Yes, he is. He's supposed to be in bed right now. I put him to bed three hours ago. Then I got to the Watchtower, and he was there.

The Flash: What, you mean a seasoned vigilante who's fought longer than this kids been alive couldn't catch him sneaking out? I call bull.

Batman, giving Flash the most tired glare any person has ever worn ever: You try and stop him

9 year old Dick Grayson, holding a taser (Bruce doesn't know how he acquired it), eating from a bag of lucky charms, and grinning from ear to ear at the flash: Try me Bitch.

Batman: *Sighs*