trashyhistory

[trashyhistory]

Your blog is amazing! It must be protected at all costs. 😘

Oh that's so sweet! Thank you so much. :)

[trashyhistory]

nothing good comes from kissing cousins you guys

The Randy Roosevelts

Ah, the Roosevelts. They're like a less hot, slightly less fucked up version of the Kennedys, which really speaks to exactly how fucked up the Kennedys were (and probably are). Theodore Roosevelt, God of Teddy Bears, has kind of become this emblem of manliness, what with the fact that Cracked writes about five articles on him a day and also there was this one time where he punched a bear while riding a moose or something. I don't know. His descendant, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, has become known for that scene in Pearl Harbor where he magically stops needing a wheelchair because he's Angelina Jolie's dad or something. (I don't know.) And Eleanor—oh, Eleanor. Wasn't she, like, our first gay first lady or something?

I'm going to focus a little more on the latter two in this entry, and let me tell you. A) Eleanor's sexuality is definitely not something you should bring up with your conservative great-grandma and B) for our often-infantalized “first??? disabled president”, FDR got a lot of ass. Like, a lot a lot.

"Hey Eleanor--"  "Shut the fuck up."

So. Once upon a time, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, from here on referred to as FDR because that's a hella long name, was this rich hunk of burnin' love who happened to be the fifth cousin of the manliest man who ever lived. Ironically enough, even though he apparently idolized Teddy as a politician, FDR campaigned against him. Partially because he was a bleeding heart liberal and partially because, I happen to think, he was an asshole. Like, campaign against your Republican relatives, guys, but do it on the DL. Be subtle.

As the Roosevelts do, when FDR decided to find a wife he looked no further than his family tree: enter Eleanor Roosevelt, who didn't even have to change her name when she married young Frank because hey, marrying your cousin is totally normal. To her credit, FDR's mom was apparently like, “SON, I THINK THIS IS A BAD IDEA” probably followed by “SON, I THINK YOU'RE TOO MUCH OF A SLUT FOR MARRIAGE” and maybe “SON, SHE'S A LIL GAY(?)”. But lo, FDR was a politician in the making and Eleanor was super smart and back then marrying your cousin who literally shared your last name was apparently something voters liked. (We've come a long way, America.)

The marriage started off... not awesome. Not horrible, either, but not awesome. Eleanor wasn't what we would call a sexual dynamo, referring to sex as “an ordeal to be endured”. And it was an ordeal that FDR liked to endure over and over and over. In her early days, Eleanor was also something of a shrinking violet, preferring to stay home with the kids rather than go to parties. Yes, despite that whole “get your filthy mitts off me hubs” thing, they did in fact have six kids, one of which died in infancy. The first was born barely over a year after the wedding, and Eleanor popped out another a year after that.

Sometime in 1914—probably while Eleanor was pregnant with baby number five—FDR decided to start banging a woman named Lucy Mercer, as you do. Couple issues with this: A) despite her aversion to the marital act, Eleanor would turn out to give a shit about where FDR's dick wandered and B) Lucy Mercer was Eleanor's “social secretary” which is SO TRASHY OH MY GOD. Some date the beginning of the affair to a couple years later, which really doesn't make it better because no matter how long they were going at it, Eleanor found out in 1918. Via letters that FDR wrote after he returned from World War I. Letters in which he seemed to thinking about divorcing Eleanor for Lucy. Letters where Lucy had to be the one who was like, “Um, that's kinda gross, actually”. When your husband's mistress is the voice of reason in the affair, you know you're married to a giant asshole.

To the credit of Eleanor's mother-in-law, Sara, she was apparently pretty fucking pissed when she found out about the affair. (Probably less because her son was dicking around and more because when you dick around, you need to be classy enough to make sure the wife doesn't find out.) I'm mainly mentioning this because she allegedly threatened not give FDR “one more dollar” if he left Eleanor, which is both hilarious and outrageous because lol trust fund babies. Whether because he actually wanted to be a halfway decent dad or because he knew a divorce would ruin his political future, FDR decided to stick with Eleanor. But whatever life had been in their marriage prior was gone, and they went from “grudging sex buddies” to “political partners/pals”. Frankly, it doesn't sound like there was much of a spark going on before then, but Eleanor's behavior following these events would raise some eyebrows.

FDR, for whatever reason, promised Eleanor that he'd end all contact with Lucy. I say “for whatever reason” because he totally didn't. It's unclear for how long the two attempted to pretend they weren't into each other, but the affair was definitely back on from 1941, which indicates that FDR was carrying a serious torch for Lucy. (Who had married in 1920.) Suffice to say, this torch did not stop him from seeing other women. The funny thing about FDR's cheating is that he definitely screwed around as much as or more than presidents like LBJ and Clinton (though not as much as Kennedy; I'm pretty sure that JFK's number was somewhere around Lord Byron numbers, which is saying something because Lord Byron was open to both genders). However, when we see FDR depicted in pop culture, he's often portrayed as our kindly, frail, disabled president who is much too weak to go sleeping around. (This also relates to JFK, who is often portrayed as super vital when in fact he had almost as many health issues going on as FDR. Being disabled didn't stop JFK from getting laid, so why would it stop FDR?) Guess what? He did.

And he possibly, maybe, wasn't the only one in the marriage with a side chick. Ah, yes. We're hitting up the old “was she or wasn't she totally super gay” question. As usual, I have to say that the jury is technically out and, barring the revelation of early twentieth century paparazzi photos featuring Eleanor macking on a girlfriend, we'll probably never know the truth. (And even if those photos came out some old white dude would still be like, “Well, ah, yes, French kissing was a common form of sisterly affection back in the day.”).

Following FDR's election to the presidential office in 1933, Eleanor went from that shrinking violet to the assertive, somewhat butch wacky grandmotherly figure we think of today. She was extremely involved in FDR's political life, their marriage having morphed from a regular marriage to a politically charged friendship. (And to her credit, she did do her part to take care of him after he was struck with polio and became largely wheelchair bound. Which is probably more than I would have done, seeing as I would have pushed him down the stairs or something.) She became good buddies with Amelia Earhart, who would take her out on the town in what I imagined were vaguely sexually-charged ladies' nights.

But palling around with boyishly pretty young pilots is not what sparked the rumors about Eleanor's sexuality. That would be Lorena Hickok, or as Eleanor would charmingly call her, “Hick”. Hick and Eleanor had met in 1928, and Hick had gone on to cover FDR's presidential campaign as a reporter for the Associated Press. Ironically, the two really ended up bonding during the ride to the funeral for FDR's mistress's mom (more on that particular not-Lucy Mercer mistress later) which is just so morbidly delightful I could scream.

Again, we have to acknowledge that female friendships at this point in time were very different. Eleanor and Hick did exchange over 3,000 letters over the course of their friendship, which in itself is not that weird. However, Eleanor's letters to Hick were up to fifteen pages long each, and contained phrases like “I can't kiss you, so I kiss your picture good night and good morning!”. She also wrote about wanting to kiss Hick on the corner of her mouth—many of her expressions of affection were, at least on the page, pretty physical. Eleanor wore a ring from Hick on the inauguration day, and granted Hick her first interview as First Lady.

Shortly afterward, Hick left the Associated Press, allegedly because she recognized that her close relationship with Eleanor made it impossible for her to stay objective. With Hick often in New York and Eleanor usually in D.C., the two despaired over spending so much time apart, making it up with frequent letters, phone calls, and trips to Hyde Park, the Roosevelts' home away from home.

nothing sapphic going on here

People often wonder about why potential affairs like this—and FDR's definite affairs—didn't make news back in the days that we typically consider more conservative. The thing is that while the news was conservative in theory, they tended to be much more chill about keeping open secrets secret. You wouldn't see “Eleanor Roosevelt Might Be Dating Hick” in the headlines, but you'd probably hear it through the grapevine. Certainly, undercover homosexual relationships were not unheard of at this time; you need only look at the personal lives of the many gay and bisexual actors of Old Hollywood to know that there seemed to be an implicit understanding of how damaging that particular issue could be.

That being said, while Eleanor was rumored to flirt with other women like her friend Marion Dickinson—who was most definitely a lesbian, as open as she could be for the day—Hick was the main female fixture in her life. Now, that doesn't mean that Eleanor's rumored affairs were limited to women. Gossips of the day whispered about her having an affair with her political ally Harry Hopkins, and a cop named Earl Miller. The Miller relationship in particular seems significant, if not as significant as the Hick relationship. Some have commented that just as Eleanor came to accept FDR's relationship with his longtime mistress, he accepted Miller. However, others have said that while Eleanor had a deep love for Miller, it never became physical.

So what about Hick? Like I said, we'll never know if they became physical. I gravitate between thinking that Eleanor was too aware of her husband's position to actually engage in a full-blown affair, and thinking that she was just ballsy enough to do it. But I do tend to think that Eleanor and Hick were deeply in love; probably the great loves of each other's lives.

Now, about that mistress of FDR's... Well, there were several, rotating at different times. FDR and Eleanor had stopped consistently living with one another at some point well before his death, and that left a lot of time for women. One rumored lady friend was—of fucking course—his cousin Daisy Suckley. Another was Princess Martha of Sweden, because God knows the president's libido is more important than international relations. And obviously there was Lucy Mercer, in and out of FDR's life. But arguably the most consistent relationship he had with a woman was with Missy LeHand, his secretary. (Yes, another secretary.)

Missy was different, though, for several reasons. She was the only person allowed to call him “F.D.”, and took on much of his caretaking after polio confined him to a wheelchair. Missy would accompany FDR everywhere—to physical therapy appointments and on his houseboat. She was so attached to that houseboat, by the way, considering it their “special place” that she had a nervous breakdown and was put on suicide watch when he sold it.

Yep. Bet you weren't expecting that.

See, that's one of the things that made Missy different. She wasn't exactly the most stable of women. She had a breakdown when FDR ran for governor against her wishes. She made his favorite things her own—drinks, sayings, the like. She helped him for hours at a time with his fucking stamp collection. She was obsessed with him in a way Eleanor and arguably Lucy Mercer, who had enough dignity to go off and get married and live her own life for a while, couldn't be.

Perhaps because Missy filled that adoring spot in FDR's life, Eleanor tolerated her. They even seemed to become friends. Some say that this is because Missy and FDR's relationship was romantic but never consummated due to his illness. One Roosevelt son has alleged that his father was definitely sleeping with Missy, while another says it was impossible—we'll never know, but you know... I tend to think they were nailing. Sorry kids.

Either way, Missy actually ended up predeceasing her beloved F.D. She suffered a collapse and became an invalid while in the White House. Some say that her illness was linked to FDR's clear affection for Princess Martha. Either way, he cared enough to divide his will in half—one half going to Eleanor, the other to Missy's care. She attempted suicide before being sent to live with her sister and eventually dying at 45.

FDR died the following year, leaving us with Harry Truman, a considerably more awkward-acting president. The White House wouldn't see so much sexual action again until the Kennedys got into office. (Ironically enough, Eleanor's endorsement of JFK was seen as a major coup during his presidential campaign.) I know that the Roosevelts leave behind a legacy of, like, saving us from World War II and the New Deal and shit like that. But when I think of that family, all I can say is: “Oh, so that's America's alternative, classy version of the royal family? They're supposed to be so much classier than the Kennedys—okay, whatever man.”

When I think of the Roosevelts, I think of secretaries and sexy reporters and lots of cousins, some of whom sleep with one another. And really, isn't that what the American dream is all about?

[trashyhistory]

bisexuality for everyone, or: the vita sackville-west story

Vita Sackville-West: Violet, Virgina, and all the others

Marriage is one of those things that just fascinates me, particularly as marriage equality becomes more and more of a reality (yay). I don't really see the appeal of a piece of paper saying that I'm essentially contractually bound to someone, on pain of losing tons of cash in a divorce. Still, I expect I'll do it, partially because—in America, at least—marriage on paper brings a lot of legal advantages that I'd like to indulge in, and partially because I like me-centric parties. Also I'm really into wedding dresses. And wedding cake.

Still, what makes marriage so special? Legal marriage. Because, in a sense, isn't anyone who commits to one's partner “married”? (Not that marriage equality isn't important, because everyone should have the same legal rights no matter what the gender of their partner.) But yeah. What I'm getting at is “Portrait of a Marriage” by Vita-Sackville West (via her personal journals and writings) and her son, Nigel Nicolson. The marriage in question? That of Vita and Nigel's father, Harold Nicolson. They were both rather upper-crust, rather snobby (particularly in Vita's case) and rather rich. They were also—both--rather bi.

BI THE WAY

Upon first glance, Vita and Harold's marriage could either be swept under the rug as that of a gay man and a lesbian wedding for convenience and status. Most of her affairs were with women; most of his were with men. I mean, honestly, it's hard for me to find notable affairs of Vita's that don't involve ladies. But to just act as if Harold and Vita didn't have a marriage—albeit a very open one—would be completely wrong, because dammit, these two people adored each other. They even seemed to like doing each other, at least enough to go at it at least twice over the course of their marriage (yielding two sons). Of course, maybe they did only have sex for procreation, but that doesn't mean they were necessarily just married buds and--

Today, I'm going to tell you about Vita Sackville-West, the man she loved, and the women she also loved and had a lot of sex with.

As you can probably guess from her name, Vita was born into wealthy aristocracy, so it was no surprise that she, at 21, married the similarly wealthy and similarly aristocratic Harold Nicolson. Of course, Vita was no blushing virgin. She'd already had an affair with Rosamund Grosvenor, whom she'd known since she was around 7. The relationship was ended because of Vita's marriage, which was to be expected, but probably didn't have legs anyway because Vita wrote in her diary that Rosamund had no personality.

That was the thing about Vita. When you look at her paintings and photographs, when you read her writings and what people write about her, you get the sense that she had the kind of persona that Lady Gaga wanted to project when she dressed up in drag those times, except cool and with less grease. What I'm saying is that Vita strikes me as a smooth operator. Like, the woman's a regular casanova. But like any serial womanizer—and by “any” I mean “only some maybe sorta”--she did have that one great passion who could have ruined her for all others. Could have, but didn't quite.

Enter: Violet (the future) Trefusis. Daughter of Alice Keppel—King Edward VII's mistress, definitely deserving of her own post—Violet was a socialite in the making who met Vita when she was 10 and Vita was 12. Four years into the friendship and Violet was giving Vita a ring and confessing her love and oh whoops there goes the king and off goes the Keppel family into mourning that guy who totally wasn't banging Mom no way no how.

By the time Violet saw Vita again, the latter was engaged and hooking up with Rosamund, and shit had gotten Complicated.

Violet's protestations didn't stop Vita from marrying Harold, which always makes people think ugh, there goes chauvinistic, homophobic society ruining a perfectly good lesbian love story. Except, it's a little messier than that. For one thing, even if Vita felt obligated to get married, she definitely had no problem with flaunting her affairs with women. For another, she really did have a bond with Harold, who adored her and was a little off the “straight and narrow” himself. Throughout their marriage, both Vita and Harold indulged in same-sex affairs. It's speculated that they may have had a little agreement going on from fairly early in the marriage—Vita could have her affairs and Harold could have his, as long as they were emotionally faithful to one another and open with each other.

Of course, all of this is easier said than done, particularly in the misogynistic world of the early twentieth century. For one thing, Violet didn't particularly care if Vita was married; or, for that matter, if she herself was married, as would later be the case. Though Vita and Violet didn't see each other for some time, the threat of World War I in 1918 gave Violet a good excuse to rekindle the old spark. Violet insisted that she needed to get away to the country, because of course it wasn't safe in London. Reluctantly, Vita and Harold invited her to stay in their country home. Vita was a mother of two by then; but all was not well in the marriage, as she would eventually admit to Violet. Harold had apparently contracted an STD during one of his dalliances. However chill Vita and Harold were about their open marriage, an STD tends to put a damper on any relationship, and it left Vita open for Violet to make her move.

The two ran off together in what some have called an elopement. Vita became newly inspired as a writer, cut her hair, and began dressing like a man. Harold was none too pleased about not being invited to the party—after all, Vita was clearly prioritizing Violet over him—but in letters, she assured him that he was first in her heart. (A fact of which Violet probably wasn't aware.) Violet, on the other hand, was still single at this point and sure that she and Vita could somehow work this out and live happily ever after together.

Violet's mother, Alice Keppel, had other plans. She had been pushing Denys Trefusis as a match for Violet for some time. Though she wasn't totally adverse to Denys as a person, Violet was determined to stay unmarried and be with Vita. Vita, on the other hand, thought that a respectable marriage might make things easier for her and Violet. Harold had allowed her a weekend home where she and Violet could do whatever they wanted, no questions asked. They traveled to Paris together, partied it up—but Violet wanted none of that “lavender marriage” business. Eventually, Alice Keppel pushed the issue so much that Violet had acquiesce; this was made easier by Denys's apparent promise that the marriage didn't have to be consummated if she didn't want it to be. At this point in time, Violet and Vita had pledged to be sexually faithful to each other. If this seems like something of a balancing act for Vita—a husband and children she was supposed to put first on an emotional level, and a lover she was supposed to stay loyal to sexually—that's because it was.

Still, Violet didn't exactly go into the marriage with a happy heart, writing to Vita, “Are you going to stand by and let me marry this man? … You are my whole existence.” Vita did, in fact, leave on holiday with Harold when Violet married Denys, only to run into Violet during the honeymoon. The affair quickly took over their lives again, with Denys now fully aware of what he'd gotten himself into. With Denys raising a big fuss over the relationship, Vita again fled with Harold—hinting, perhaps, that no matter how much she loved Violet, the latter would never be number one in her life.

Violet didn't want a conventional life in any way. Vita, on the other hand, had her affairs; but she also had that conventional lifestyle with a husband, children she loved, gardening, and writing. Violet's marriage to Denys was miserable. He resented her relationship with Vita, and was sick both mentally—from PTSD—and physically.

Determined to have what she'd always truly wanted, Violet planned to run off with Vita, possibly for good. Violet went first, planning on meeting up with Vita later—only for Vita to run into Denys, who was searching for Violet. Denys and Vita apparently got along quite well, which perhaps had a hand in her cooling passion for Violet. The entire affair came to a hand when Harold, Vita, Violet and Denys were all brought together. Harold revealed that Violet had slept with Denys and broken her vow to Vita, a fact which may or may not be true. No matter how desperately Violet begged for Vita to believe her, Vita was done with the drama. She went home with Harold, and the affair with Violet gradually trickled away. The two would briefly reconcile in 1921. However, for whatever reason, Violet was the one lover of Vita's that Harold really couldn't abide by. He threatened to end the marriage if Vita didn't leave Violet, and when push came to shove, Vita chose her husband family over her lover, leaving Violet heartbroken.

Both Vita and Violet would go on to have other—largely female—lovers. Violet would live largely separate from Denys for the rest of her life, while Vita would continue her largely happy, open marriage with Harold. In the late 1920s she began an affair with Virginia Woolf, and became the inspiration for the main character of Woolf's “Orlando”, about a person who spontaneously changes genders. Occasionally, she would entertain male lovers, like Evelyn Irons (she was also involved with his female companion, Olive Rinder) and Henry Lascelles.

Vita died at 70, noted particularly for her gardening. Which I personally find kind of hilarious. Like, you never know what the nice rich lady who tends to the roses next door is up to privately. Right?

[trashyhistory]

[sings rihanna's 'where have u been'] this is the blog of my dreams. thanks for existing/maintaining; it is awesome and you are gorgeous

Thank you!  This is so sweet, I appreciate it.  With all of my schoolwork piling up I feel like I haven't been as "on it" as I could have been, but I love this blog and trashy history in general and I hope to keep it up for a long time. :)

[trashyhistory]

seriously the catholic church considered canonizing this lady

Columbus, Granada, and the Morally Gray Catholic Monarchs

I know I just made a recent post about the family of the Most Catholic Monarchs (or rather, one—that one being Juana La Loca) but I just can't resist making another.

A) Because I've just started Isabel, a Spanish series that is both very good and pretty accurate to the life of Isabel of Castile, especially when you compare it to American/British historical series.

B) Because holy shit these people were way crazier than we give them credit for.

Get drunk party hard

See, for the most part, everyone is interested in British Royal History. There's a few reasons for that. First of all, the English monarchy has experienced a vast number of crazy rulers and scandals that persist to this day. Second of all, that fascination probably has to do with the fact that England, at one point, had a stake in virtually every part of the world. (Minor exaggeration; ignore it.) Plus there's the whole “America has Hollywood and Hollywood dominates much of the film industry” thing at play; when Americans aren't pretending that the Kennedys and the Roosevelts are “our royal families”, we admit that we're really kinda jealous that England still has a royal family to make fun of, and we react by making movies about them.

But seriously, guys. The Spanish monarchy. Particularly in the fifteenth and sixteenth centuries. Guys. Guys, guys, guys.

Technically, of course, Spain wasn't Spain at this point. Rather, it was the Iberian Peninsula with a whole bunch of pocket kingdoms like Castile and Aragon and Portugal. Some of them were fairly powerful; others were not. The really fascinating thing about this particular period is that all of these nations that we associate with Renaissance supremacy—England, Spain, France—were sort of on the edge of becoming what they would become, and it all happened relatively fast.

And I think that the Most Catholic Monarchs and the massive shitstorms that happened before during and after their reigns can be partially owed to their very successful self-mythologizing, the title of “Most Catholic” (which was given to Isabel by Pope Alexander VI, aka Rodrigo Borgia, whom she despised) and that little Christopher Columbus thing. Most Catholic doesn't really make the uninformed think scandalous or sexy or murderous. And again, Hollywood is responsible for much of history's image, and I think that America is too busy associating “Isabella and Ferdinand” with Columbus sailing the ocean blue to remember the important exploits of Isabel and Fernando. (Also: nobody likes to think of what happened after Columbus sailing the ocean blue. And by what happened after I mean the essential beginning of a genocide.)

So. Let me set the stage for you. King Enrique of Castile has divorced his first wife, Blanca. (Who incidentally would go on to be imprisoned and likely poisoned to death by her own family.) He marries the comely teenage Juana of Portugal, and everybody decides not to talk about the fact that he and Blanca were married for thirteen years without a single pregnancy. It's pretty common knowledge that Enrique couldn't get it up, but he claimed that this was due to a Blanca-specific curse and had prostitutes testify to his virility. Classy.

Here's the thing I've always wondered, though: if your king told you to say that he had banged you, would you really protest? (Particularly if you got paid, which prostitutes often were?) It kind of reminds me of that time that a six months pregnant Lucrezia Borgia was declared a virgin by midwives. There are times when you don't question authority.

So Enrique and Juana seem to get along fairly well. However, they're very different personalities. He's perceived as weak in both body and will. She is much younger, much more attractive, and tends to wear low-cut gowns. Years pass without a sign of pregnancy. During this time, Enrique becomes very close friends with the courtier Beltran de la Cueva, a handsome ladies' man. Enrique and Beltran are so close that gossips begin to murmur “hey guys this is kinda gay”, which I generally don't give credit to for reasons that will be expanded upon later.

It's a good thing that even without children, Enrique technically has heirs, right? Well, sorta, but he would really prefer to have kids. Those heirs are his half-siblings Isabel and Alfonso, by his father's second wife Isabel of Portugal. Isabel of Portugal had been tucked away with her children since her husband King Juan's death, partially because Enrique didn't particularly want the infanta and infante around if he didn't need them, and partially because of another predictably bonkers story that had something to do with the queen dowager's messy mental state.

Isabel of Portugal had often been ignored by King Juan during the beginning of their marriage, largely due to influence from his favorite, Alvaro De Luna. They couldn't even have sex without De Luna giving the go ahead. After the birth of the infanta Isabel (who is, for clarification, The Important Isabel) Isabel of Portugal became depressed and influenced Juan into doing away with De Luna via the assistance of the nobleman Alfonso Perez. De Luna found out, got pissed, murdered Perez, and Juan used this as an excuse to have De Luna executed. What a mess. Seriously. Juan died soon after these traumatic events (and less than a year after the birth of the infante Alfonso) and Isabel of Portugal had been gradually losing her mind ever since.

But hey. At least her kids were backup heirs in case Juana of Portugal never got pregnant, right?

Only she did get pregnant. About six years into her marriage, Juana finally showed up pregnant. Yay! Enrique finally made it happen! Right?

Ah... That's subject to debate. Juana had always been the subject of gossip. Some had already said she'd had affairs by this point. When her baby girl and heiress was born, the child's official name was Princess Juana; but many called her La Beltraneja.

Yep. Many were—and still are—convinced that Juana had an affair with Beltran, possibly with Enrique's desperate permission. Some will argue that the tales of Enrique's impotence were later embellished by pro-Isabel propagandists and La Beltraneja could have easily been Enrique's. However, when I personally consider Juana's later behavior and the fact that neither she nor Blanca got pregnant over such long periods of time—this wasn't a Henry VIII situation where pregnancies happened and were lost—the evidence is pretty damning. I tend to err on the side of Beltran being the father.

And so did many people who liked neither Henry nor the company he chose to keep. While the nobles dutifully swore allegiance to La Beltraneja as the Princess of Asturias—and heiress to Castile's throne—shortly after her birth, privately some looked for other options. After all, Enrique had two certainly-legitimate siblings right underneath his nose. In fact, Isabel and Alfonso had been brought to court during Juana's pregnancy, and stuck around after the child turned out to be female. Even if there was no question of La Beltraneja's legitimacy, people were uncomfortable of the idea of a sovereign queen of Castile, and Alfonso seemed like a welcome alternative.

In 1467, prominent nobles rallied around the infante Alfonso, who was a young teenager at this point. They put together forces to go up against Enrique's in the Second Battle of Olmedo. Though neither side one, Enrique conceded to appoint Alfonso as his heir. However, Alfonso would have to agree to marry his half-niece La Beltraneja. He did, and all seemed amicable. Until, of course, Alfonso died of the plague—or maybe poison—the following year. Oops.

Alfonso's supporters had not gone through all this shit to end up with La Beltraneja. The scales were balanced; either way, Castile was going to be ruled by a woman. At seventeen, Isabel was around eleven years older than La Beltraneja. She was certainly legitimate; and she was damn smart. The young princess had a reserved attitude and devout faith, believing that if God wanted her to be on the throne, then she sure as hell would get there.

And her will was definitely stronger than Enrique's. It's a testament to his own lack of personal power and possible uncertainty about La Beltraneja's parentage that he agreed fairly quickly to recognize Isabel as his heir (on the conditions that while he couldn't marry her off without her consent, she couldn't wed without his consent). Of course, there were other factors at play here. Juana of Portugal—La Beltraneja's scandalous mother—had been banished from court when her daughter was still young, largely due to the rumors surrounding the child's father. The queen had been sent to live with a bishop, which was probably the best, least-sexy place for her to be, right? Wrong. Juana had following in love with the bishop's nephew and, in quick succession, borne him two sons. The fact that the children were healthy boys was an affront to Enrique; the fact that they obviously proved that Juana's initial “infertility” had not been her fault made him look even worse. In 1468—the same year Alfonso died—Enrique divorced Juana, though he still recognized La Beltraneja as his daughter.

By the time she hit eighteen, Isabel was attractive, accomplished, and about to inherit Castile. She'd already been betrothed a million times before, first to Fernando of Aragon when she was six. Enrique's attentions had since moved on to other potential alliances. He offered man after man to Isabel, and she refused them all. A French alliance, Enrique, thought, would be perfect. A French marriage would also take Isabel far from Castile, and she knew it.

So, very quietly, she decided to totally fuck Enrique over.

Aragon was a much smaller kingdom on the Iberian Peninsula. However, an Aragonese marriage would allow Isabel to remain in Castile and retain much of her personal power, while uniting the kingdoms and—though they didn't know it at the time—beginning the unification of Spain. Plus, Prince Fernando of Aragon was only a year younger than Isabel, already pretty accomplished, and quite smart. Perks!

The betrothal wasn't exactly against Enrique's will but it wasn't exactly what he wanted, either. And he didn't necessarily think that he had much to worry about at first. Isabel and Fernando were cousins—close enough to need a papal bull to marry. Thank God Rodrigo Borgia was the Cardinal of Valencia at the time—a sneaky motherfucker who conveniently got Fernando a bull that said he could TOTALLY marry his cousin if that's COINCIDENTALLY something he'd want to do. This bull, by the way, was made by a pope who'd been dead for like five years. LOL OKAY GUYS WHATEVER.

Fernando and Isabel married in secret with a lot of cute details like an elopement and him pretending to be a servant and political treachery. And by all accounts, the two genuinely came to adore each other. Their marriage was a match of somewhat opposite personalities. Isabel was reserved and calculating. Fernando was a bit more rash—if extremely smart and an effective military commander—charismatic, and outgoing. One detail of their marriage that I love is this time when Isabel refused to write Fernando letters in return—possibly because she was reserved and partially because she was pissed at him, probably—is Fernando's half-joking half-totally over the top response. He literally told her that if she didn't respond to his letters he would kill himself. LOVE.

The two did spend a lot of time apart in their marriage, particularly during the initial stages. Fernando sent a hand-written note to Isabel commenting that during the first three years of their marriage, they'd barely spent seven consecutive months together. Imagine a little frowny-face emoticon beside that message. (It actually says a lot that he wrote that by hand, as much of a royal's letters in the day were dictated and handwritten notes were considered quite intimate.) However, Fernando also had that charming Renaissance man tendency of never keeping it in his pants. Isabel was known for tolerating his infidelities—though she seemed to be significantly less fond of his younger bastards in comparison to the elder—while harboring a great deal of jealousy. At the end of the day, however, she and Fernando were a political and personal partnership, and though they spent a lot of time apart, they were clearly first in each other's hearts. (After their countries, maybe.)

By the time Isabel ascended to the throne of Castile in 1474, she and Fernando—who was still simply her consort and the prince of Aragon—had a daughter, Isabel. Her ascension wasn't easy. La Beltraneja still had a good deal of support. The fact is that nobody was ever comfortable with a woman sovereign at this point, and the fact that anyone could question her inheritance—and honestly, if not for her paternity woes La Beltraneja had a pretty good claim—made it even worse. (I mean, Elizabeth I would still encounter pretenders to the throne decades into her reign.) La Beltraneja also had the “advantage” of still being a malleable child, whereas Isabel was in her twenties at this point, having shown a good deal of independent thought in securing Aragonese support through her marriage. She'd also displayed fangs by using the questions surrounding La Beltraneja's parentage to strengthen her own claim.

La Beltraneja, at the tender age of thirteen, was married off to her uncle Alfonso V of Portugal. Seeing as this was actually the second time she'd been engaged to an uncle—remember that time she almost married Isabel's brother?--I don't ever want to hear again about how uncle-niece marriages were TOTALLY TABOO in the Medieval/Renaissance eras because guess what: they totally weren't. Add to their squickily close lineage the fact that she'd barely hit puberty, and you have a match made in hell. Alfonso did, however, back La Beltraneja's claim—seeing as doing so would make him, by many years her senior, the de facto ruler of Castile as well—in an effort that would ultimately prove pointless. After a few battles in which Fernando proved his usefulness as a military leader, La Beltraneja's hopes at reclaiming Castile's throne were dashed. Although she would eventually become a nun, she never stopped signing her letters with the title “the queen”. Regardless, Isabel and Fernando's daughter was declared Castile's heir shortly afterward. The real triumph for Isabel came with the birth of her son Juan. There had been a huge—for the time—gap between the birth of the infanta Isabel and Juan. Around eight years, to be exact, during which time Isabel gave birth to a stillborn son. Part of this can probably be owed to Fernando's frequent absences, as Isabel proved to have little trouble getting pregnant. But the birth of a male heir to both the Castilian and Aragonese thrones must have been a huge relief for the couple.

The thing is, Isabel and Fernando were just getting started. They ran a pretty tight ship in Castile, with crime down to record lows. They interacted personally with their subjects. Fernando's charismatic personality naturally appealed to people, whereas Isabel came to cloak herself in a Virgin Mary persona that is somewhat reminiscent of Elizabeth I's later “Virgin Queen” propaganda. (Which is kind of ironic, as Isabel was not only very much not-a-virgin but quite committed to having as many of Fernando's kids as possible.) Fernando was crowned the king of Aragon in 1479, making him at last Isabel's fellow sovereign versus her consort. This was the tricky part of their marriage, and it did lead to resentments: though Isabel was a devout, traditional Catholic woman of the time who wanted to have Fernando be the “head of the household” she was also naturally strong-willed and very aware of her own authority. It was a strong contrast to a later marriage of Catholic sovereigns, that of Queen Mary I to King Felipe of Spain. Mary, unappreciated and neglected by her husband, was desperate for his affection and longed to be a loving, traditional wife. Isabel seemed to understand that she and Fernando were in fact equals—in many ways he was probably lesser than she at times—and that, well, he'd have to get used to it.

Whether romanticized/apocryphal or not, the supposed motto of the pair stands true. “Tanto monta, monta tanto, Isabel como Fernando” translates loosely to “equal opposites in balance”. Some historians even believe that Isabel was a good, calming influence on Fernando, tempering his (grasping, power-hungry, rash) less flattering qualities, and that he grew so politically and personally dependent on her that her death is part of the reason why he treated their daughters Catalina—aka Catherine of Aragon—and Juana so poorly. One does wonder if Catalina would have been jerked around by England and Spain so much, if Juana would have been locked up for most her life, had Isabel been around. (Well, I mean, technically the longer Isabel lived the less reason there was to deal with Juana's mental instabilities but I digress.)

Not that I want to romanticize Isabel. I mean, woman definitely had her fucked up moments. Remember the Spanish Inquisition? That time when if you weren't Catholic and you happened to live in Spain you were totally fucked? Yeah. Isabel. Remember how few people outside of Spain today are even aware that a large chunk of it was once under Muslim rule? Yeah. That was kinda Isabel and Fernando.

See, after a while Isabel and Fernando had so much power that they basically decided, “Fuck, why not get some more and also get rid of the dirty infidels while we're at it?” You know. Standard 15th centuy Catholic stuff. Granada was the last real stronghold of Muslim rule in the Iberian Peninsula, and in 1482 Isabel and Fernando began their attack. I tend to think that while Fernando was more of a typical king of his age, Isabel really did have a fanatically religious streak. For her, I do think it was both a political and a holy war. For Fernando, the holy thing was kind of a perk.

It kind of annoys me that when people say “1492” they think Columbus. Because honestly—I get that he sorta kinda discovered the Americas that year EXCEPT OTHER PEOPLE TOTALLY DISCOVERED THEM BEFORE HIM, but all this other shit went down too. Rodrigo Borgia became the pope. Isabel and Fernando finally conquered Granada. And while they were at it, they decided to expel the Jews from their territories! (Unless you converted, because oh, then we're cool, right?) They made a show of playing nice with the Muslims too, but all that kind of dissolved after an uprising eight years later.

Yeah. 1492 was a big year.

So Isabel and Fernando had basically unified Spain, and lived out their golden years presiding over an empire, right? Eh, sort of. The Inquisition became a big deal following the unification, and though their children made excellent dynastic marriages, nothing really turned out exactly as the Catholic Monarchs had planned. Juan died childless, and the following year their firstborn, Isabel, passed away as well, with her infant son following soon after. Their third daughter Juana made a tempestuous match with Philip the Handsome, and would later end up inheriting the throne and (supposedly) going mad. While their youngest child, Catalina, made an excellent match with Prince Arthur of England, the boy died after less than two years of marriage and left Catalina a teenage widow. Isabel's health was failing her, and the continuous family tragedies couldn't have helped matters. In 1504, she died at age 53, leaving her third-born Juana Castile's crown. I've already detailed the shit that went down with that story.

At the end of the day, I think it's a mistake to glorify Isabel and Fernando. Yes, they were great leaders. Yes, they were perhaps the greatest, in many ways, Spanish rulers. But they also perpetuated anti-Muslim/Jewish beliefs that grip Christians to this day. I mean, it's really the typical “powerful person” paradox: on the one hand, they did a lot of cool stuff. On the other hand, they were kind of assholes. I don't think their flaws inhibit us from appreciating their qualities. We just need to remember that there are two sides to every story—especially when it comes to the Most Catholic Monarchs.

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Malcolm X, (1962)

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edwardslovelyelizabeth replied to your post “hey please talk about how weird and creepy tiberius (livia's eldest son) was?? i'm reading i, claudius right now and there was mention of some of his 'habits' which led to the deterioration of his marriage with julia and i can't find anything all that comprehensive about it”

He also most likely killed/ordered to poison Germanicus, father of Caligula, and certainly exiled Cal's mom and imprisoned his brothers, though I think they were plotting against him.

Ah, yes.  I've heard that Tiberius COULD have had a hand in the deaths of every single one of Julia's prematurely-deceased children as well.  I'm a horrid judge of Roman emperors in general because a) I haven't done much specific research on individual rulers post-Augustus and b) I'm so used to the concept of Romans killing each other for the that I can't even say it was that bad anymore.  Everyone was assassinating each other! 

[trashyhistory]

hey please talk about how weird and creepy tiberius (livia's eldest son) was?? i'm reading i, claudius right now and there was mention of some of his 'habits' which led to the deterioration of his marriage with julia and i can't find anything all that comprehensive about it

Sure!  It might take me a while, though. I've promised to make all these posts and I keep getting distracted by school/interesting historical folks.  

I will warn you--you probably know--that I, Claudius is extremely anti-Livia and anti-everyone who was ever close to her.  It's not exactly known for accuracy.  Tiberius is typically remembered as one of the "bad emperors", but almost everyone who recorded anything about him had some sort of biased so it really is hard to find accurate info!  I don't know too much about him myself, though I've never heard anything about weird sexual habits of his--more that he was a poor ruler and hated the job.  Gloomy, depressed, dangerous, etc.

I do know that he loved the wife he divorced for Julia; their marriage was pretty much doomed from the start.  She wasn't so hot on marrying him either and had plenty of affairs.  I have heard rumors that Tiberius had her starved to death, but we just don't know.  

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the lady who wore caesar augustus's testicles as earrings

Running This Town: The Machiavellian Livia Drusilla

If you haven't seen HBO's “Rome”, you should. It's not what anyone would call accurate, no matter what anyone tries to tell you otherwise, but it's good. And even when they're doing crazily inaccurate shit, the historical domain characters' personalities are left intact enough for me to buy into it. But one of the places where “Rome” really fucked up was the storyline concerning Octavian's—aka Caesar Augustus—marriage.

Basically: Octavian sees some chick at a party, he proposes, tells her he likes to beat women because it turns him on—flash forward a few years and plot twist! She's slapping him around in bed. And he loves it. That, and a little moment where Octavian's mom Atia—the most inaccurate character on the whole show, by the way—completely slams her daughter-in-law is the most we see of Livia Drusilla. The actress is good. The characterization? The entire storyline for that matter?

Oh, honey. The real Livia would roll her eyes at those shenanigans. Amateurs.

Living the thug life.

Livia has the distinction of being the first real “empress” of Rome. Because prior to her husband pulling Rome's shit together, it was basically this mess of senators and nasty democracy and shit like that. She also has the distinction of being the empress who carried her husband's balls around in a little purse, but you know. History books have their thing, I have mine.

A quick rundown of the surrounding events: Livia was born into the Late Republican Period, which has nothing to do with Mitt Romney and a lot to do with Julius Caesar almost becoming the first emperor of the Roman Empire but not quite getting there because of that time Brutus and Cassius convinced everyone that murder was TOTALLY LEGAL if you didn't like the guy. Following Caesar's death (where Livia's story really begins) Rome was basically divided into the pro-Brutus and Cassius camp and the anti-Brutus and Cassius camp. The latter, after a significant amount of bitchy squabbling, was eventually led by Mark Antony—Caesar's favorite dudebro, Cleopatra's lover, all around my favorite douchebag—and Caesar's nephew/adopted son (????) Octavian—he of the platform shoes and cold as ice sensibilities that made him not only Rome's first emperor, but, some would argue, the best one. (Which is pretty fucking sad. Like, THE GLORY OF THE ROMAN EMPIRE—all downhill from here, guys.)

Livia began life as a fairly typical patrician woman. In her early teens she married Tiberius Nero, who, like, totally wanted to stab Caesar until that wasn't cool anymore. (Note: wanting to stab Caesar became uncool about as soon as Caesar breathed his last and the conspirators realized shiiiiiiiiiit we probably should have killed all the people who liked Caesar while we were at it.) While all the civil war and strife was going on (not that time, the first time) Livia was enduring things like her father offing himself alongside Cassius and Brutus and her husband continuing to resist Octavian, which, as it turned out, was a really bad idea. (Another note: you want to live in Ancient Rome? Support Octavian. Like, just a suggestion.) During this time, Livia gave birth to her first son, Tiberius, and eventually ended up running off with her husband in order to not get murdered by Octavian, which was as it turned out pretty ironic.

Eventually, Livia and company returned to Rome, hopefully to live out a life of peace and harmony which totally did happen. Pregnant with her second child, Livia met Octavian at a dinner party. And apparently, despite the fact that both Livia and his own wife Scribonia were both very married and very knocked up, Octavian was sprung from that moment on. Now, he had plenty of political motivations behind marrying Livia—her familial connections, for one—but I like to think that somewhere in his Machiavellian heart Octavian was just really, really, inappropriately into a married pregnant lady that wasn't HIS married pregnant lady.

Whatever the reasons, Octavian divorced Scribonia on the day that she gave birth to their daughter—his only living child, as it would turn out—Julia, further solidifying my theory that Octavian was, in fact, one of the pod people. Tiberius Nero would go on to divorce a six months pregnant Livia, because that was totally his choice and not something he was forced to do by the guy who officially controlled a third of the empire, and possibly more.

Wait, what? Yeah. Following the suicides of Brutus and Cassius, Antony and Octavian sat down to divvy up the empire (Caesar, for the record, had done the same thing with his pals back in the day; it didn't really work). It was called the Second Triumvirate, made up of Antony, Octavian, and Lepidus. Who is Lepidus, you ask? Nobody cares, that's who.

So, yeah. Octavian was a massively powerful guy by the time he met Livia—and he wasn't even twenty-five. They married three days after she gave birth to her second son, Nero. Livia had to send her sons off to live with their father, as was customary for the times. And that sucked. But though we have little record of her personal feelings, you do get the distinct sense that this is a woman who knew that she was hitching her cart to the winning horse. Plus, get this: her ex-husband? Yeah, he gave her away at the wedding. Fuckin' hilarious, guys.

We don't know a lot about the inner workings of Octavian and Livia's marriage. What we do know is that they were married for the rest of his life—fifty-one years total—and divorce was never discussed, despite the fact that it was fairly easy to get and common amongst the patricians, particularly when a wife failed to provide a male heir. Which Livia technically did; throughout her marriage to Octavian, she only got pregnant once and that resulted in a miscarriage. Maybe his one child with Scribonia was a lucky shot—and indeed, I've never heard of Octavian having any bastards. Whatever the case, their lack of biological children together ended up not mattering; more on that in a minute.

There are plenty of sordid tales about Octavian and Livia's relationship. Some say that she was so beautiful and he was so into her that the site of her naked rendered him impotent. Which, on the one hand, yay you're so hot his penis can't take it! And on the other hand... well, those things kind of cancel each other out, don't they? Another rumor is that to keep Octavian sexually dependent on her, Livia procured virgins for him to deflower. (This wouldn't be the first time a rumor of that sort would be spread; gossips would later say the same thing about Louis XV's chief mistress Madame de Pompadour, though there would perhaps be more truth behind that tale than this one.) There's not much evidence for either of these stories, and they're generally accepted as rumors spread to further vilify Livia. In general, she did her part as empress to represent the perfect Roman matron, dressing modestly and playing the part of the submissive wife in public—while in private she was one of Octavian's chief counselors and one of the few people who almost always had his ear. Who knows if they had the passionate relationship that their initial coupling suggests—but at the very least, they respected and trusted each other, and I tend to think that they were genuinely in love. Once emperor, Octavian let Livia have control over her money, which was a big fucking deal back in the day, and built somewhat creepy statues in her honor. True love.

"Oh, babe.  You shouldn't have...

All that aside, Livia's reputation rose with Octavian's fame. As everyone knows, his working relationship with Antony—who was legally married to Octavian's sister Octavia, but after a certain point consistently living with Cleopatra in Egypt, having fathered her three youngest children—crumbled. Around this time, there came a saying that Livia and Cleopatra were the two most beautiful women in the world, which was really just another way of pitting Octavian and Antony against each other. “My chick's hotter than your chick”--that kind of thing. But, as we all know, Antony eventually ended up killing himself, with Cleopatra following soon after. Cleopatra's children with Antony went to live with Antony's technical widow, Octavia, in a household that sort of bled into Livia's. (Livia would, by the way, regain custody of her sons after Tiberius Nero's death.) Livia didn't have to worry about Cleopatra's firstborn by Caesar, Caesarion, because Octavian kindly had him executed.

As time passed, Octavian became known as Caesar Augustus, that dude from the Bible whose census program made Mary have Jesus in a manger. Thanks Octavian! Of course, what with the fact that Octavian's only living child was his daughter Julia, there was still a question of who would follow in his footsteps. One of Octavian's only buddies, Agrippa, was a particular favorite for the job. But seeing as Agrippa was around Octavian's age and ended up predeceasing him, his sons seemed like worthy successors and Octavian summarily adopted them. None of this adoption stuff was all that weird for the time, by the way. The patrician men seemed to have a strange case of mass infertility at this point. (Unless you were Mark Antony; everything his dick touched got pregnant I swear.) Julius Caesar only had two known children—his daughter Julia and Caesarion. Adoptions were a way of creating heirs, for lack of a better term; as I mentioned earlier, Octavian had been adopted by Caesar and favored as the heir over his biological son.

But the thing about Octavian's would-be heirs is that they kept fucking dying. His nephew Marcellus dropped, and soon enough Agrippa's sons did as well. What some would call bad luck and, oh, living in a pre-vaccination/antibiotics era others would blame on Livia. Every rumor-monger who didn't like Octavian's involved wife said that basically everyone who stood between her sons and the throne was killed by her hand. Including—according to the most famous rumor about Livia—Octavian.

I really don't buy that last one, partially because Octavian was really old for the time when he died, partially because there seems to have been no strife in their marriage, and partially because it just seems weird that she'd kill all these heirs willy-nilly but wait fifty-one years to poison the big guy. After all, her sons were more than ready to ascend before then.

Wait, what? Her sons? Yeah. After everyone else died, Octavian really had no other option but to make Livia's sons Tiberius and Nero his heirs—he adopted them, and even married his daughter Julia to Tiberius. (It... didn't go well.) Never mind that Octavian was said to have disliked Tiberius. Never mind that Tiberius was said to forever resent Octavian and Livia for forcing him to marry Julia. I mean, let's be honest: at this point Octavian had pretty much run out of heirs. Beggars can't be choosers.

Following Octavian's death—which really doesn't come off as mysterious when you read about it—Tiberius became the emperor and Livia the queen mother of sorts. She was officially adopted into the Juliian clan and given the title “Augusta” in accordance to Octavian's will, which is super romantic in my opinion. For some time, she remained an adviser to the emperor, keeping confidence with her son and maintaining a lot of power. Unfortunately, Tiberius became amazingly insecure about the fact that he owed his throne to his mother, and rather than being grateful for it.

Admittedly, Tiberius apparently had a heap of mommy and daddy issues. Some think his parents' divorce and his status as a stepson—versus a real son—of Octavian's did a number on his mental state. The deal was sealed when Livia and Octavian made him divorce the wife he loved for Julia, a woman he loathed. Altogether, these aren't the worst reasons for resenting a parent, to be sure—but Tiberius reaped quite a lot from his mother's dubious deeds. What with the emperor thing and all.

Tiberius avoided Livia for virtually the rest of his life. He refused her many of the honors Octavian had given her, partly because he didn't want to give her honors and partly because Tiberius apparently hated honors in general, which is super lame to be honest. Even once she died, he stayed in Capri rather than deliver her eulogy. You know who he sent in his place? Fuckin' Caligula. Of course, nobody knew how hilarious this was at the time, but I'm sure that later on after Caligula had been assassinated by his own guards, they all had a good laugh about it.Tiberius, being an asshole, didn't even bother to fulfill his mother's will. In fact, it wasn't until the reign of Claudius, over a decade later, that Livia was completely deified as she and Octavian had wished. (Octavian's deification meant it was only right, really.)

So at long last, Livia had become a goddess. You kind of get the sense from the historical accounts of her that she already was acting the part for much of her husband's reign. She was dignified and chaste, implicated in some of Octavian's more ruthless political moves but also capable of mercy. I think that certain historians' depictions of Livia as this domineering man-woman have more to do with sexism and fear of a powerful lady whose husband appreciated her as much for her mind as her body. Whereas Cleopatra and Antony's relationship—just as political and personal as Octavian and Livia's—can be romanticized due to the “love children” between them and Cleopatra's exoticism, Octavian and Livia's relationship is harder for people to understand (and sexualize). On the one hand, they came together in something of a scandal. On the other hand, he treated her with great respect, and she returned that respect by not putting on a scandalous show—as much of the women I discuss do—but maintaining the image of the perfect Roman couple. It's the image Octavian needed when establishing his empire, promoting the moral facade that he wished to put on, and that in some ways supported his right to rule.

I wonder if there would be quite as many rumors about Livia poisoning people if she had acted a little more bubble-headed, a bit more like Octavian's beautiful trophy, rather than an empress of stony grace. I'm not saying Livia was perfect; she was hardly mother of the year by today's standards, and I wouldn't be shocked if she did poison an heir or two (just not her husband). But why decry Livia and raise high her husband—a man responsible for countless deaths by virtue of being Caesar Augustus? A man whose ruthlessness was, for quite some time, virtually unrivaled?

You know, I keep going back to the comparison of Cleopatra and Livia. I think that the fact that Livia and Cleopatra were so different yet both so vilified tells us one thing: it is impossible to be the perfect woman. No matter what you do, somebody's gonna say you're the greatest whore who ever lived, or some poisoning bad mother bitch.

[trashyhistory]

Oh, my God. I found Heaven. This blog gives me life. Never stop doing you.

Thanks so much!  I'm trying my best to make it interesting and am so glad people have responded positively.  

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if this happened today they'd probably blame it on her period

Women and Their Emotions: The Sad, Questionable Tale of Juana la Loca

You know how sometimes when you're in the middle of midterms and you want to post about whacky and wild royals but you don't have time to research more obscure figures who, while super valuable, you're not all that familiar with? Yeah. That's where I was. I wanted to write about someone whose story I'd read about a few times, while not tipping back into the big, familiar folks that I'm saving for later. Also, I've been rewatching The Tudors. And as I watched Maria Doyle Kennedy look nothing like the real Catherine of Aragon while acting exactly like the real Catherine of Aragon, I thought: hey! Remember Catherine's crazy ass sister?

You've probably heard of Juana la Loca in the context of her dragging her husband's coffin throughout the country, occasionally opening it to kiss his decaying toes. Because that's a nice story to tell the kiddies. As with most indisputably awesome historical tales, that one's not exactly true. But it's not entirely false either.

Finally, if you haven't heard of Juana la Loca, I'm reasonably sure that you've heard of her little sister, Catherine of Aragon. You haven't heard of her? Oh my god. Henry VIII's first wife, guys. The Spanish one. The one before Anne Boleyn. Okay? Got it. Let's move on.

Which is worse: being branded as a lunatic, or marrying Henry VIII?

The funny thing about history is that the more you research it, the more you realize that all these looming, important figures are related to one another. (Probably because they're inbred as fuck.) Richard III? Kind of Henry VIII's great uncle. Queen Victoria? Grandmother of doomed Tsaritsa Alexandra (otherwise known as Alix of Hesse) and thus the great-grandmother of that oh-so-famous Anastasia. In this case, it's kind of insane that Juana is both the sister of the woman ballsy enough to face down the king of England to keep her marriage together and the daughter of Europe's Most Catholic Monarchs.

Isabel and Ferdinand will get their own post, probably, but I know that every American kid on the face of the planet has heard of them—as Isabella and Ferdinand, those cool folks who bankrolled Christopher Columbus's trip to not-India. Wow... Thanks, guys. The indigenous peoples of the New World are really grateful.

Though Isabel and Ferdinand are often touted as the monarchs of Spain, they were in actuality the separate sovereigns of two different kingdoms: Isabel of Castle, and Ferdinand of the much-smaller Aragon. Their marriage essentially united the nations, as their heir would inherit both, and for the most part they ruled fairly equally. As Juana grew up, there was no expectation that she would ever inherit. Isabel and Ferdinand had one son, Juan; and for that matter, Juana was the third child, younger than both Juan and her sister Isabel. She was raised to be the perfect bride, the sticking point of a marital alliance. However, in her teen years she began showing signs of rebellion, questioning Catholicism—which was kind of a not-great thing to do when your parents basically invented the Spanish Inquisition.

Despite her unfortunate tendency towards having an individual personality, Juana did have one thing going for her: she was hot. According to basically everyone who ever wrote about her, Juana was a great beauty by the time she was sixteen, and it was at this point that she was sent off to marry the seventeen-year-old Philip, Duke Burgundy and son of the Holy Roman Emperor. He's often called Philip the Handsome, which basically clues you in to the fact that he was a massive douchebag.

Handsome?  If you insist...

True to dicktastic name Philip apparently took one look at Juana and commanded that their marriage happen, like, right now, so that they could get to consummating. Juana was immediately smitten with her young husband, and you can imagine that a naïve, sheltered virgin with parents whose own marriage was somewhat legendary would take Philip's enthusiasm to mean love. And by all accounts the two did have quite an active sex life, with Juana birthing five children throughout their marriage, pregnant with the sixth when Philip died.

So what was the problem? Well, that's where things get murky. Philip was, no doubt, threatened by his wife's loyalty to her parents—and later on her growing political importance. He also had a bad case of Wandering Penis Syndrome. Juana, on the other hand, comes off as predisposed to depression and neuroses. This is where we come into controversial territory. I'm all for feminist perspectives on history; I consider myself a feminist. More radical views will insist that everything about Juana was made up. She was never the least bit mentally ill, just independent, and her male oppressors concocted tales of madness to keep her down.

See, I tend to think that Juana could have easily been bipolar or depressed, among other things, without being completely insane. Mental illness does tend to run through her bloodline, particularly within the Habsburgs descended from Juana. And she did have a very rough, traumatic life. The woman was so busy popping out babies that postpartum depression alone could have messed with her head.

Either way, the main issue Juana seems to have had during her marriage to Philip was a problem with handling his infidelity. Most European queens were raised with the implicit knowledge that kingly husbands cheat, and you might as well grin and bear it. As long as you have your son, you're the winner here. (Having a son, by the way, was not Juana's problem. Two of her six children were boys.) Juana's sister Catherine is the icon of queenly dignity, living in dignified tolerance of her husband's mistresses until he decided to marry one of them. Juana just couldn't stand for Philip's affairs; and God knows he had a lot of them, and he wasn't discreet about it.

One story has Juana cutting a mistress's hair and leaving it on Philip's pillow. Another features a pregnant Juana going after another mistress with scissors after catching her and Philip in the act. Again, who knows how much of this is true? But honestly, much of what is recorded about Juana—besides the whole toe-kissing incident—doesn't seem so out of the realm possibility for a mentally ill person. (Speaking as someone who's dealt with a good deal of depression herself.) Now, whether she was so far gone that she was incapable of ruling—that's another question entirely.

Another problem encroaching on Philip and Juana's marriage was a different kind of jealousy. See, Jauna's family was hit with a bad case of Royal Death Syndrome. First went her brother Juan, whose wife would give birth to a stillborn baby girl two months after his death. The following year, her sister Isabel, queen of Portugal, died giving birth to a son Miguel, who would also die within two years. That left the “heir” slot open to none other than Juana. A few years after she married Philip, she was the Princess of Asturias, the future queen of Aragon and Castile, and massively more important than her husband.

About eight years into the marriage, Juana's mother Isabel died, bringing her father Ferdinand fully into the drama. Isabel's death meant that Ferdinand was no longer the king of Castile, as he'd always technically been a consort and the sovereignty belonged to Juana. Of course, he was allowed to rule while she was away, but that wasn't good enough for Ferdinand . He minted coins with both his and Juana's faces, and spread word that she was insane and incapable of ruling. Philip wasn't going to let that slide; he did the same coin-minting thing and began calling himself the king of Castile—which, on a consort level, he was.

Ferdinand's tactical mistake was making a French marriage in order to produce new heirs. The people of Castile had loved Isabel, and were certainly more inclined to side with her daughter than her Aragonese husband, his new French wife, and any children they might produce. Juana and Philip traveled to Castile to assert her rights—or, in his Philip's eyes, his rights. Because, as it cannot be stressed enough, Philip was a massive tool. He negotiated with Ferdinand and the two at one point came to the agreement that Juana was stupid crazy because WOMEN, AMIRITE and Philip could rule in her stead while Ferdinand returned to Aragon. The very same day, Ferdinand changed his mind, saying that Juana's—his—rights could never be taken away by her husband, and he'd always stand up for her and blah blah blah. Basically, Ferdinand was a backstabbing asshole, and Philip was a less intelligent asshole. And though she and Philip were recognized as Castile's rulers, Juana was screwed.

Because the thing about Juana's mental illness is that for all we know, she really wasn't the type of person you wanted running two countries. Maybe she was unfit to rule. Maybe she was severely depressed. But when you hold her behavior up against men like Henry VIII—beheaded two of his wives, divorced a couple others, generally spiraled downwards throughout his reign—you have to wonder why she's given the title “la Loca”, why she was locked up when others weren't. The answer has a lot to do with the fact that she had a V were those other rulers possessed Ps.

Less than a year after Philip and Juana officially became king and queen of Castile, Philip dropped dead of what is officially typhoid fever. Back in the day, however, everyone believed Ferdinand poisoned him, which honestly isn't that bad a theory. That's when the rumors about Juana dragging her husband's coffin through Castile came about. The unfortunate fact is that Juana was unable to secure her rule in Castile, and her father only let rumors of her insanity grow, perhaps even encouraging them., (What a guy.) Her other children, including her heir Charles/Carlos, were tucked away in Flanders, which further weakened her image. By the time Ferdinand sailed back into Castile, the country was in seeming chaos and everyone blamed Juana.

EVERYONE GRIEVES DIFFERENTLY OKAY GODDDD.

I think you know where this is headed. Ferdinand took control of Castile and all but forced Juana to cede royal authority to him; she was put away in a convent with her youngest child Catalina, the daughter born after Philip's death. Nearly a decade later, Ferdinand died, his second marriage having failed to yield a living heir. The Aragonese throne went to both Juana and her teenage son Charles, thanks to her apparent madness (though not without some skirmishing, what with the fact that Ferdinand had hated Charles and there were several attempted claimants to the Spanish throne). Juana had to technically authorize Charles as her co-king, which wasn't much of a problem. They were, effectively, the first rulers of a united Spain. But the fact of the matter was that Juana was a sovereign in name only. Two years after Charles took control of Spain, he was elected the Holy Roman Emperor—his paternal grandfather's former position.

Following an attempt by Castile's lords to overthrow Charles—which Juana almost supported—the queen ended up returning to total confinement, which she'd had a brief respite from following her father's death. Like the lovely men before him, Charles declared Juana completely mad: “It seems to me that the best and most suitable thing for you to do is to make sure that no person speaks with Her Majesty, for no good could come from it”. Basically: don't talk to the lady who remains the one major threat to my rule!

Juana's youngest child, Catalina, left her once she went off to marry, leaving Juana virtually alone at the convent. I'm not saying she was neglected; I mean, this is still the queen of Spain, here. Her rooms were apparently very comfortable and supervised by one of her daughters. But the fact of the matter is that Juana still goes down in history as one of those crazy bitches who was better off locked up. Which is heartrendingly sad, if you ask me. The worst part is that at the end of the day, even Juana's son didn't come to her rescue. And sure, the people of the day had a far inferior understanding of mental illness—which, hell, still isn't understood these days. But it's fairly clear that Charles was far more interested in maintaining his rule than taking care of the mom he admittedly didn't know very well.

Juana died at 75, having spent most of her life in the sixteenth century's version of a mental institution. Kind of ironic that she, the daughter of the Most Catholic Monarchs who dared question Catholicism ended up languishing in a convent. And yeah—by ironic I mean horrific.

[trashyhistory]

Hey guys!  Sorry for skipping this past week, I hope to post something this weekend but I'm studying for a couple midterms so fingers crossed!  But once those are over, things will be back to normal.  

[trashyhistory]

I love, love, love this blog! As an ancient history aficionado, I wondered if you might do a piece on Olympias or Alexander the Great. The nonsense that went down in that family might be two or three posts!

Thank you!  I plan on it.  I'm really busy this weekend, so I'll probably just a top ten--something easy--but I'm very into Olympias in particular so I plan on writing about them!

[trashyhistory]

hey sorry i seduced your emperor by being awesome

Empress Theodora: started from the bottom now I'm literally ruling an empire

I have a love/hate relationship with the phrase “behind every great man is a great woman”. On the one hand, it's totally true. On the other hand, it's not exactly true because if it was it would go “behind every great man is a greatER woman”. Also, there's this suggestion of conniving opportunism, like every single one of those great women is a Hillary Clinton type on steroids. (Nothing against Hillary Clinton; I mean, she's a politician like the rest of them, but I'm kind of fond of her completely transparent desire to rule as our overlord.) Like there's no such as a partnership. All of the “great women” are using their magical vaginas to control the weak-minded but charismatic men, like Kerry Washington and her eyebrow-less president on “Scandal”. (Again, nothing against Olivia Pope. I get the appeal of power. I get the desire to control politics. But at what cost, Liv? He has NO. EYEBROWS. NOT A BROW IN SIGHT.)

I'm not saying that those women never existed, because contrary to popular belief, my gender is imperfect. (Okay, that's a lie.) But sometimes, there comes this perfect storm of a dude who actually knows what the fuck he's doing and a lady who knows that even more so. And her dude knows that too, right? And he's not only okay with this but completely unthreatened and supportive and--

Look, I'm not saying that Theodora and Justinian had some perfect, postmodern relationship. Because for one, I'm sure they didn't, and for another, they did not in fact exist in the postmodern era. I know this is a shock. Justinian and Theodora presided over the Byzantine Empire, and despite the fact that “emperor” was less of a father-to-son deal and more of a “let's give it to the coolest dude with the most cash” type position, it's still pretty safe to say that a Byzantine empress came from noble stock, right?

No. No. You are wrong about that, sir.

Your Dolce and Gabbana Fall 2014 Collection has nothing on this.

Due to the fact that nobody wrote shit down unless they were a) recording important things or b) spreading rumors about important people, we aren't exactly sure who Theodora was before she became THAT Theodora. (More on what THAT means later.) But we do know that she was no princess, and that on some level, she was probably involved in the sex industry.

Hold up, hold up, you say. How dare you suggest that Theodora was involved in the sex industry? She was an actress, woman, and those rumors about her being a prostitute are total lies spread by her enemies--

Wait, wait wait. I never said Theodora was a prostitute. But the thing is that the “sex industry” is kind of a blanket term that doesn't always refer to explicitly selling sex. Like, pro-tip here. Your friend working as a phone sex operator? Is not a prostitute. But she is a sex worker, and there's nothing wrong with that. For that matter, there's nothing wrong with being a prostitute, either. On an official level, Theodora was not a prostitute. Yet, in the world she lived in, she did basically make a living off of her body, and hey—you do what you gotta do.

The daughter of a bear trainer and a “dancer/actress”, Theodora began working to help support herself and the family at a very young age. And when I say young, I mean “I sure hope she'd hit puberty by then” young. There are some indications that she started out working in a brothel, but in what capacity is unsure. She transitioned at some point into being an actress, and this is where a lot of people jump in to be like SEE? THEODORA WAS AN ACTRESS. NOT A PROSTITUTE AT ALL in manner that is both really demeaning to actual prostitutes—like you can't be smart if you use your body to get ahead—and also downplays how shitty Theodora's early life was. She was likely under sixteen when she began work as an actress, and yes, that involved sex on some level. Actresses of the day were more about selling sexual favors than giving a great performance.

And of course, one of the most salacious rumors about Theodora centers around her entertaining career. Again, this is a powerful woman with a ton of enemies: it's hard to know what's truth and what's fiction. But, aside from all of the horrific things that an actress would have gone through at this time, I kind of find this story... awesome? In, like, a mortifying way? Theodora's number, which may or may not have been real, was called “Leda and the Swan”. If you haven't heard of the Leda and the Swan myth, let me fill you in. Zeus, in accordance to Greek myth, wanted to fuck everything. The noble Leda, stunningly beautiful, was one of those things. But she was married, so she couldn't bang Zeus, right? So he transformed into a swan. Some versions of the story portray it as a rape, and others as a seduction, but either way: Leda has sex with swan!Zeus, gets pregnant, lays eggs, and had a few semi-divine children, among them Helen of Troy.

Right. So how do we perform this little number?

Well, the rumor is that Theodora would do her little dance and someone would release a large bird—probably a goose rather than a swan. After removing all or most of her clothes, Theodora laid down on the stage, with corn or breadcrumbs sprinkled over her naughty bits. And the bird would, well, do what birds do when offered free food. Again, on the one hand this is actually a pretty clever way to make a ton of money by a Byzantine actress's standards, but on the other hand OMG GROSS WHY.

Luckily, at around 16, Theodora became the mistress of a Syrian official named Hecebolus, and headed to North Africa with him. Yeah, you heard that right: 16. She was 16 when she left for North Africa, which means that all of that horrid stuff I mentioned above happened before then. You'd think that she'd be much better off as the mistress of a relatively powerful guy, but nah, because Theodora's life kind of sucked at this point. There's indication that Hecebolus mistreated her, and either way the relationship ended, leaving Theodora to fend for herself in Alexandria, Egypt. She apparently did somewhat well there, rubbing elbows with some important people thanks to her boundless charisma. She also discovered Miaphysite Christianity, which to the best of my Protestant knowledge is a branch-off of the Orthodox Church.

Around her early twenties, Theodora zipped back to Constantinople and officially left the sex trade, becoming a wool spinner and probably resigning herself to a humble life except not really. She may have actually encountered Justinian at some point before this, but they didn't know each other know each other, you know? Either way, a few things you should know about Justinian: he was the nephew of the current emperor, Justin; he was a little quieter and more studious than the average patrician of his time; and according to legend, he fell in love with Theodora almost immediately after meeting or re-meeting her at her spinning wheel.

Who knows how much of that last bit is the truth. But the thing is that there is very little Justinian had to gain politically by marrying Theodora. And that's what he wanted to do, and there's a point to that that I'll get to in a minute. She had no noble family, her past was a bit on the sketchy side, and there were probably plenty of politically advantageous women who would have been happy to have him. Plus, it's quite possible that Theodora had a daughter by another man at this point. (We know that Theodora had a daughter and that Justinian recognized the child as his, but there's some question about whether or not the kid was born before Theodora and Justinian's relationship began.) I mean, with most romanticized historical relationships, you can think of a valid political reason for why the couple got together. Mark Antony and Cleopatra could have loved each other, but they were also a political partnership; Henry VIII was smitten by Anne Boleyn, but if he hadn't met her he probably would have divorced his wife anyway because he needed a male heir; Augustus and Livia were a match made in evil genius heaven, but with their marriage came an important alliance. So on and so forth. I just can't think of any reason aside from genuine affection and admiration that Justinian would have wanted to marry Theodora. I mean, going with the theory that her child was fathered by another man—though there seems to have been a rash of male infertility amongst the patricians at some point, some have argued that Justinian was gay. But if he needed a beard, why Theodora? Why not a woman with a rich family and connections?

Throw aside her risque past and complete lack of “good” family and Theodora was kind of a catch. She was young, presumably attractive, and had quite a brain on her, as would later be proven. It seems that Justinian was especially fond of that brain part, and he didn't just want her to be his mistress. He wanted to make things official. Too bad about that pesky law preventing patricians—especially patricians expected to be the next emperor—from marrying actresses. Emperor Justin actually wasn't against changing the law for Justinian and Theodora, but his wife, Empress Euphemia, vehemently disagreed. Apparently she hated Theodora—or her profession—and prevented the two from marrying until her death, a few years after they met. As soon as Euphemia hit the grave, Justin changed the law and Justinian put a ring on it. Two years later, in 527, Justinian became the emperor and Theodora one of the empire's most unconventional empresses that it had ever seen.

The stone cold face of someone who doesn't give a fuck.

In 532, a riot broke out between two factions—the Blues, which Theodora favored, an the Greens—after a chariot race, because that was what people flipped out about back in the day. (I know, I know, it was more complicated than it seems. Don't try and school me on the history.) The rebel Hypatius was declared the new emperor, if not an official level. Long story short, it got really out of hand and Justinian and his advisers were on the verge of leaving the capitol (ah yes; let it not be forgotten that some of what the people were rioting over had to do with Justinian's choices). Theodora basically called them out as total wimps and made a speech about how real rulers died on the throne instead of living in exile, saying that “purple makes a fine shroud” thus becoming one of the most badass people to ever live. Realizing that his non-patrician, penis-lacking wife had just made him look like a complete chicken, Justinian rallied his forces and ended up killing 30,000 rebels, Hypatius among them. And to think—if he'd had a wife a little less ballsy, that wouldn't have happened.

Following this incident, Theodora basically became Justinian's co-ruler. Their relationship was one of nearly-unprecedented shared power. Together, they built Constantinople up to be a glorious city, adding in a little thing called the Hagia Sophia. Theodora did a lot to aid the city's prostitutes, establishing a convent where they could be “forgiven” and assisted in pursuing new lives. Some of her reforms included: making rape punishable by death; forbidding the exposure of infants; outlawing the killing of wives due to adultery; and giving women more rights over their own children. Undoubtedly, she made enemies during this time, with some rumors implying that she got rid of one or two enemies in anticipation of what would happen if she outlived Justinian. Her niece married his future heir, and Theodora did as much as she could to make sure that there was a clear distinction between senators, magistrates and their like, and the ruling couple. People, no matter what their rank, were required to prostrate themselves before Justinian and Theodora when approaching the throne.

Goals.

In fact, it quickly became known that it was a better idea to take on Justinian than Theodora. While Justinian wanted to promote the Chalcedonian faith, Theodora was partial to her fellow Miaphysites. At one point, Justinian commanded that Chalcedonian missionaries from Thebaid go to meet Silko, the king of the Nobatae. Hearing this, Theodora went behind his back and wrote to the duke of Thebaid, informing him to delay Justinian's missionaries so that hers could arrive first. This is kind of fucked up and kind of hilarious, but mainly hilarious. I mean, let's be real: who was the dude who wanted to flee as soon as the shit got rough? Justinian. Who would have lost the entire empire if Theodora hadn't piped up? Justinian. Who would you want to be taking religious advice from? NOT JUSTINIAN. The duke decided that he'd rather fuck over Justinian than Theodora, and by the time Justinian's missionaries arrived in Nobatae, the king had already warmed to the Miaphysites.

Sadly, like all amazing badass ladies, Theodora was not immortal. She died at forty-eight, and Justinian, despite basically being her bitch throughout the marriage, wept openly. (Maybe he did that because he was her bitch throughout the marriage. Maybe Justinian was like OH NO I DON'T KNOW HOW TO POLITICK???? WHAT DO I DO???) Today, many of her reforms are regarded as some of the first teeny-tiny baby steps towards feminism, though of course Theodora wouldn't have regarded it as such. She was a woman trying to get ahead and keep things together; but at the same time, she took the time to give back to the people who helped her, and those who suffered as she had. To me, that's the most kickass thing about her.

[trashyhistory]

Loved your recent blog post! Would you consider making one on Ramses II? Keep up the great blog :)

Thank you!  And I plan on it; I adore him, frankly.

[trashyhistory]

This is an awesome blog! Have you ever thought about doing a post on Simone de Beauvoir?

Thank you!  And I haven't, but I'll add that name to the list. :)

[trashyhistory]

I LOVE THE AMARNA PERIOD thank you for talking about it it's such a weird piece of history

You're welcome! :)  I love the Amarna Period; I wish there was a whole mini about the shit that went down with Akhenaten/Nefertiti/Smenkhare/Neferneferuaten, it's got "epic" written all over it.  

Also, I feel kind bad bc I asked everyone's opinions and then I did something nobody asked for, but Theodora is next!  (I think.)  I just got inspired by looking at Akhenaten's artwork, and I already knew a lot prior to doing extra research so it was a very organic~ post.