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[treadingthroughfreefall]

Rhythm of Trust

Ba-dum… Ba-dum… Ba-dum…

So I’ve had this post on my mind for a good long while now, but have only recently found the necessary voltage to shock it out of my system.  In fact, it has been loitering in literary purgatory since about 4AM this past Tuesday morning.  Only now has it found its karmic purpose…

This past year has been surreal.  Definitely the most enlightening period of my Life.  The reason for this is simple: I’m more aware & conscious than I’ve ever been.   And more humble, too.  I understand everyday is a chance to Die–and to be reBorn.  I do this thing where I set a word as an intention for the entire year.  This year that intention was “Trust”.  Little did I know how swiftly the Universe would deliver those lessons upon Me.

Ba-dum… Ba-dum… Ba-dum…

As I said it’s been a wildly expanding year and it’s barely been 4 full months.  In just one third of the year I have managed to perform in my first epic contemporary fusion piece at the UCSD Forum Theater, discovered the joys of immersive dance theater, had an out of body experience on stage, had my words & philosophy on dance published in the Library of Congress, star in a music video for one of my all-time fav hip-hop groups, got back into martial arts, have deepened my personal practice of tai chi, & have even met a real life Shaolin Monk to guide me in the arts of qigong & chi cultivation (like something out of a kung fu fairy tale)…

All of this sounds like rainbows and butterflies.  In all honesty, it is.  However,  it does have an undercurrent that highlights it all with a deliciously contrasting thick brushstroke of darkness:

                  …I am currently suffering from a spine injury.

I would say recovering, but for the moment my word choice is entirely appropriate–suffering.  But before I explain I will admit that this injury is honestly one of the best things that could have ever happened to me.  I say this because it has helped me find a very specific song–a very unique rhythm if you will.  

This rhythm is like no other.  It is the Rhythm of Trust.

Ba-dum… Ba-dum… Ba-dum…

Flashback to December.  Some colleagues & I were neck deep in our rehearsal process for a show.  My body felt strong, but brittle.  I was pushing so hard that at times I felt like I couldn’t hear or see a thing.  Strong but brittle.  A six month hearsal process of roughly 15-20 hours per week will do that to you.  Strong but brittle.  One little mistep & I would be done for.  Strong but brittle.  I could feel my body conjuring up old memories from injuries long past.  Strong but brittle.  One wrong push and my body would weep.  Strong but brittle.  And that’s what happened…

…We were practicing a lift.  I felt a disk slip in my back…

Ba-dum… Ba-dum… Ba-dum…

It’s now January.  Our piece is 55 minutes long.  Including myself, there are only four dancers.  The tech rehearsals were grueling but there is no better anesthetic like the anticipation of performance.  I pushed through.  The show was a hit.  I learned to push myself and find solace in the pain & lack of ability.  February is upon me.   My body was in shock.  I suffered a fever due to shock the afteroon before a video shoot. I had a limp throughout the entire month.  For about three weeks I couldn’t move my legs.  For almost two weeks I was bedridden.  During March, my hip joints were on fire, my calves were flaring up.  Swelling in my legs.  Urinated blood.  And then during the month of April, I could finally walk without someone/something holding me up, but I swear to God on certain even & odd days of the week all my vertebrae feel like Jenga blocks.  It was either numbing or painful just to breathe.  Fuck you ribcage...

…at any moment I could topple over.  I was partially paralyzed.  Cannot feel my legs fully.  Do I even have feet?

Ba-dum… Ba-dum… Ba-dum…

So yes.  I am suffering.  But not for the reasons one would think.  As each day goes by, I learn more and more.  I suffer because I am stubborn.  I suffer because I refuse.  I suffer because I am resistant.  I suffer because I do not allow myself to learn the true lessons that this injury is attempting to show me.

I suffer because I am a stubborn male ego…and am not humble enough for my own wisdom…for my own recovery.

I suffer because lately, I haven’t allowed myself to hear the Rhythm…

Ba-dum… Ba-dum… Ba-dum…

Every time I had allowed myself to be vulnerable this year, it has always ended up being a wonderful experience.  Every time I decided not to freak out, it always turned out for the better.  Every time I TRUSTED, the Universe loved me more than I could have ever imagined.  EVERY SINGLE TIME.  I lost my wallet at a taco shop on the other side of town…the guy who found it ends up being a new client.   I quit my day job, and now I am finding the time & means to truly embrace my creative passions.  Started feeling a buzzing in my spine & the sensation of a real fragility in my bone structure, and now I’ve re-embraced yoga, tai chi, and qigong as ways to find some real true healing; even found a mentor in the form of a true Shaolin Monk.  And then I stumble across a chance to lay my heart bare & next thing you know I find an affection that sets my chest ablaze with wild inferno.

Ba-dum… Ba-dum… Ba-dum…

The Rhythm is everything.  Trust is everything.  If I don’t trust the Universe then how the hell can it trust Me?

This injury is there to test me.  To make each moment infinitely more conscious.  To allow me to see what it is exactly that I genuinely Love.  And what I am willing to do to respect, honor, and fight for those things.  If every step I take is painful, then who/what will I being willing to walk for?  If every breath is strained, then for who/what will I breath for?  And if lying still & alone in patience sends a buzz of distress through to my core, then who & what will I endure the quiet & torturous stillness for?  And if something raps at the window of my very soul, then what would I be willing to die for?

If there is anything all those questions (& the nagging physical symptoms) are teaching me, it’s that the process is sometimes difficult to understand.  But everyone is at their own place in The Process–especially myself.  But even if I do not understand the Process, it is always working out in my favor.  The Universe is always working in my favor.  ALWAYS.

“Things do not happen to You.  They happen FOR You.”

I have never felt more vulnerable, more susceptible, more weak than I am right now…and I have never felt stronger.  And the Rhythm has never felt stronger…

Ba-dum… Ba-dum… Ba-dum…

Many many many things lie upon the horizon for Me.  It’s all so clear.  So full of Life.  So full of Love.

And so thus, all experiences are valid.  I welcome it all.  Both the Yin & the Yang.  For I am a human being with a fiery & creative passionate soul.  And I was destined to be Alive.

Ba-dum… Ba-dum…

    Ba-dum…

And so with the Rhythm of Trust pulsing strong in my veins, my Heart as my Metronome, & the winds of the Universe at my back I fall forward in vulnerable grace and allow myself to do what the wise dancer in me has always done…

…Trust the Rhythm.

**********************************************************************************

PS:  Big big thank you to all those who attend my class.  There were days were I would literally have to do physical rehab for like 2-3 hours straight before teaching class.  And it has always been more than worth it.  You guys seriously feed my soul.

#confessionsofadancer #confessionsofacripple #fearless #lovefull #die #liberate #beborn #ichoose #ifuckinglovedance #yinANDyang #iwillendureforallthatilove #whatwouldyoudiefor

[treadingthroughfreefall]

[treadingthroughfreefall]

Surrender

My heart has been dancing with you. I feel dizzy.  Off balance.  My heart is racing.

My mind writing poems about you. My mind feels hazy.  Overstimulated.  Discombobulated.

My eyes diving deep into you, noticing you, admiring you, caressing you, tasting you. My eyes deceive me.  There’s no possible way.  I am looking in a mirror.

You spark tremendous curiosity within me. I am infected with a wild fascination.  Only these internal shackles restrain me from the depths of passionate obsession.

You frighten me. You frighten me.

You read my body in ways that astound me. Your eyes pierce & penetrate.  No matter how I try to cover up, I feel naked under your forceful gaze.

You challenge me. You inspire me.

Although I try, I can’t stop looking for you. You are the Queen of my idle mind.  Your kingdom is vast.

Your presence soothes me. You bathe me in your Moonlight.

Your hands transform my energy into a soft, warm liquid. My hands want to dismantle you.  Rip into you & caress your soul.

Your smile tickles my lips while teasing my heart. Your fire inspires the Art in me.

But these senses frighten me. I am fearful--I am on the precipice of being consumed by them.

My bones tingle with a delicious fear.  It is both delicate yet devastating.  I have not felt this way in eons.  I feel deliciously alive.  It surprises me.  It comforts & terrifies me.  My confusion betrays my confidence.  I feel at home while being lost at the same time.  Yet deep down I know that the path to my greatest power lies in decadent surrender.

I feel something surging within.  I try to suppress it, like a foolish child attempting to hold back a tidal wave with his hands.

Without saying a word, you speak to my soul.  You appeal to a space inside of me that is sacred.  A space with few footprints; not many have walked here.  It is my private playground.  My most honest place.  This is the space where my Divine lives.  The God in me that gives birth to poetry, painting, & passionate movement.  Too long have I been a tiger afraid of his stripes. You met me at wondrous time in my Life.  I have spent my recent Life dedicated to living from that divine space.  Dedicated towards attaining my truest freedom...  

...and You threaten me with fiery Liberation.

And I know that if I allow that Fire to consume, pillage, and devour me--that You will undoubtedly be devoured along with it.

And so from now on with every breath I take, I recite mantra with a soft internal whisper:

...Surrender.

[treadingthroughfreefall]

Harold Ramis was the master of the smart dumb-movie, which he could only make because he actually was one of the smartest guys around – he could fence, speak Greek, joke about Trotsky, and do the ritual drumming he learned attending Robert Bly’s men’s groups. Like [Bill] Murray, he was always more serious than people originally supposed.

John Powers on the late Harold Ramis  (via nprfreshair)

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Working hard for something we don’t care about is called stress; working hard for something we love is called passion.

Simon Sinek (via psych-facts)

[treadingthroughfreefall]

I hate being sick.  The end.

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[treadingthroughfreefall]

by spiraldelight

“happiness is in front of your eyes”

[treadingthroughfreefall]

It’s so hard to be understood in life, and that’s why, when you meet someone where you understand each other at that moment, you sort of want to hold on to it, you know?

-Josh Homme, Queens of the Stone Age (Sound City 2013)

[treadingthroughfreefall]

[treadingthroughfreefall]

Turn Up!!!

Been a while since I've written anything on this thing.  Hell, it's been a while since I've really had anything to say--anything worth actually sitting my ass down and writing about.

Well, thankfully enough I found some blogging mojo.  Which is good.  That means I'm experiencing swift internal movement again--or in other words--GROWTH. A FB status I literally posted 5min ago:

First Rant of The Year:: Today I managed to fail miserably at something I'm good at--great at even. Like not only do I know in the deepest parts of my Heart that I can do this, but I know it straight up in the deepest parts of my friggin BALLS yo! And damn, it was like friggin terrible super fail status... ...and holy smokes I couldn't be Happier :D I seriously raced home so stoked off my failjob just so I could put down some thoughts to paper on what to adjust. The main crux of thoughts permeating my dome was that my issue wasn't so much for lack of ability, as it was just a lack of Focus & Organization. In other words, I'm working way harder than I need to. And so thus, my energy/focus aren't as consistent as they could be. Certain things need to be re-calibrated... I'm just super mega friggin glad that I recognized the problem b/c that means a solution is also present. TIME TO TURN UP.  Shooting my motivated vibes out into the Universe so that it's out of my head/heart and out in the world. It's real now. It's tangible. And now I'm accountable. All in all, I'm grateful to the max because now the only place to go from this point, is well--UP  Sincerely, Yourself PS: My teaching/class format needs to change a bit. And workdays and dance need to be separate homie...schitt gets counterproductive -___- #challengeaccepted #bringit #gonnalearntoday — feeling excited.

Holy fucking smokes I'm fired up!!!  Like, I can't remember the last time I was this excited about fucking up.  It's weird...or I guess I'm weird.

But yeah, like I stated I'm working waaaaaay too hard.  Expending too much energy, or leaking it needlessly.  I need to calibrate my pacing &  fine tune my focus so that I can manage to balance everything that I'm juggling.  I'm after an extraordinary Life full of wild endeavors and passions.  They require more than ordinary measures...

...I guess I just needed a little reminder B)

[treadingthroughfreefall]

[treadingthroughfreefall]

For those who don’t know, in 5 Centimeters Per Second, Akari & Takaki’s childhood setting is based on the real world Shinjuku, Tokyo, which interesting enough, is also the setting of Director Makoto Shinkai’s latest work Garden of Words, the areas shown in 5CM/S is just about few miles away from Shinjuku Goyen, the main setting of Garden of Words.

Images source from a blog where a photographer who resides Shinjuku and took interest of the locations.

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People think of education as something they can finish.

 Isaac Asimov (via blua)

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Framed Nature by Ianception

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The next step in my wardrobe #evolution

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