trekoflife-blog

[trekoflife-blog]

Six years...

It has been six years since you decided that “no” wasn’t a good enough answer for you. I wish I knew then, the things I know now. I would still probably not do anything differently because unfortunately, we live in a world where because I consented in the past, it means that you could not rape me, but that is what you did. You raped me. I told you that I would not have sex with you unless you had a condom because all of my medication and I didn’t want to risk it, I was17. But you decided that it did not matter, you wanted me and I was your girlfriend so you had every ’right’ to my body. The truth is, you had no right. Never. I said no before, and during. I said no. I could have screamed and brought attention to your family, but I was scared. Me, scared, while you raped me just feet away from your family. No, it was not a violent rape, but it was awful and it still ruins me. Sometimes I wish that I would have gone to the cops... but I know I would be different if I had. It just sucks when I feel as though my family does not truly know who I am.  

[trekoflife-blog]

(via https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZmWBrN7QV6Y)

Dear S,

I hate you, I absolutely fucking hate you more than anything. I never use to admit how much I hate you because I did not think it was fair to blame you. I blamed myself for what you did to me. You were my boyfriend, it had to be my fault. I didn’t understand where all this hatred was coming from until right now. I have been fine for awhile now and did not understand it. Yesterday, Lady Gaga released her new music video and I wanted to bawl. It’s been almost four years… I am finally starting to realize that it’s true, no means no. Even if they are your boyfriend. I have realized that I am not a victim, I am a survivor.

I thought that I had to be strong. Not only for me, but for my friends and family. I was strong from the moment I left your bedroom. I was late getting home because I bawled my eyes out the entire drive home. I felt dirty. I had to lie and say that the movie ran late and go to my room, by myself, go to bed, and go to school the next day. I have had so many problems in these past for years that I would love to blame on you.

I had to go to school the next day and deal with my friends either believing me, or believing the lies that you had told them. It’s not rape if it’s your boyfriend and you’ve had sex before. Oh he said that you were cheating on him so he broke up with you. Almost no one believed my side of the story. Why do people think that everyone can just go to the cops? I certainly couldn’t have. Its not rape if you didn’t call the cops or tell your family. It’s not rape if it wasn’t violent. It’s not rape because I didn’t scream for help even though your mother and her fiancé were in the next room.

It has been four years… I am about to graduate college and still cannot get over that night. It plays on a loop in my mind. Have constant nightmares…. Four years… But that is nothing compared the the rest of my life changing from one night when I was 17 years old and your chose to take advantage of me.

I hate you for how much pain I feel any time I hear about a rape on campus. I hate you for every time I cringe when my friends my jokes about assault. I have you for my fear to walk alone at night. I hate you for my need to not be alone. I hate you for my body image issues. I hate you for my binge drinking and binge eating. I hate you from making me over think every single thing that I do. I hate you for making me want to feel needed by everyone that I meet. I hate you for asking people if I hate you after what you did to me. I hate you for the fact that every year at this time I become an emotional wreck because you ruined a part of me that I will never get back. I hate you because when I have children one day and they ask me about rape, I cannot honestly tell them that I was never raped, or that I will have to fear for my children every time they go out with someone that they are suppose to be able to trust, that I am suppose to be able to trust them with.

I thank you for the drive that I have. I thank you for me becoming an overachiever to get away from that town. I thank you for pushing me to help people who have been through everything that I have been through. I thank you for making me hate you so much that I was finally able to realize how bad you were for my life.

Yours Truly, The girl who hopes that you see this and Lady Gaga’s new music video and actually feel bad about what you did to me.