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Illustration by Sophie Lucido Johnson

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why are you so fucking tedious

By the power of daily 54 mg of methylphenidate, whatever amount of caffeine is in an eyeballed big mug of instant coffee, two different antidepressants and a three year stint of weekly cognitive psychotherapy.

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Looking at urban animals has become a lot more fulfilling after learning to not anthropomorphise them. Like the sparrows in the underground section of Helsinki railway station. I used to look at them mildly saddened, thinking that the poor things must have flown in here by accident and now can't get out. But they aren't trapped, really. They're smart birds, surely if they can find their way in, they could find their way out if they really wanted to. They don't care about human concepts of freedom, or manmade vs. natural environments. They are just as free wherever they are.

Here they are safe from the elements, safe from predators, clearly unbothered by the people. There's plenty of odd random scraps for food, and other sparrows to hang out with, and considering the way they sing, this is a place worth marking as territory. If they were trapped and distressed, I don't think that one would be yelling "THIS IS MY HOUSE. IF YOU'RE ANOTHER MAN AND YOU'RE IN MY HOUSE, FUCK YOU FOR BEING IN MY HOUSE."

They're here for the same reason as I am: less noise, wind, and cars, and easier access to deli ham.

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Online friendship is seeing that your buddy sent you a discord message saying "free horse corpse" at 4:43 am, and needing to process what the fuck that means before putting together that they were replying to something you sent them at 7:30 pm yesterday.

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Some story with two siblings who get into utter bullshit together, and every single time they're caught, the older one puts on a brave stoic stance of "I'm the one at fault, my little brother/sister is innocent, I take full responsibility. I was the one who pulled them into this, if you have to punish someone, let it be me and me alone."

And every single time their parents are like "look, you are not in any way responsible of your sibling, but I'm proud of you for wanting to protect them. It's noble of you to ask to take the full punishment for yourself, and it would be low of me to take you on that offer." and proceed to not punish either of them.

The parents never put it together that this was the plan all along, the younger sibling is in on the scheme too. They know that the punishment never happens and the Older Sibling's Noble Sacrifice is just their regular Get Out Of Jail Free-card.

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Energy, matter, and problems can neither be created nor destroyed, but they can change shape, current, location or form. You cannot simply make your problems go away. They will not simply disappear into nothing. But what you can do is transform that problem into some different kind of problem.

Ideally, into someone else's problem.

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An entire race of creatures that perfectly resembles, detached human arms, but happily go about their business, have their own small villages, and are lightly disturbed when they see humans.

Humans get to feel the same way a chimera feels when it sees a singular goat or snake or lion just walking around on its own.

­I was going to delete this as just kind of "this is a weird thing with no context", but I love the final section.

Centaur who's freaked out by humans and horses. What the fuck? Where's that other half come from?

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The BBEG's henchmen are a gang of walruses comprised of the miniature Smallrus, the towering Tallrus, the spherical Ballrus and the eucalyptus-loving Koalrus.

­The villain themselves is a dead serious tyrant who's deeply embarrassed by them.

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Enemy encounter: a two-headed monster made of the grotesquely-conjoined and reanimated corpses of Romeo and Juliet, hideously joined together in undeath and unholy matrimony. Romeo spews and spits the poison elixir that claimed his life while Juliet wields the dagger that she used to commit suicide.

­"A Plague On Both Your Houses", coming to a cinema near you this summer.

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Power Word: Pontificate

(to get the BBEG to spill the beans already)

­Verbal component: "Hey, before I roll, mind telling me a bit more about your worldbuilding"

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The BBEG is known as "The Ruthless".

Because his wife Ruth left him.

­High Fantasy Elon Musk AU

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A group of hostile robotic aliens attack the NASA base.

Turns out they landed on Mars, found the Mars rover roaming the landscape, and assumed that it was an abandoned pet ditched on a desolate planet by some heartless owners, tracing down the "owners" to teach them a lesson.

ultimate outdoor cat

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Played at a friend's oneshot, I was given a "ring of beast turning". Once a day I could use it on any beast and they'd be slowly rotated by 180 degrees.

­Big instagram channel when

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In a game with allocatable skill points, alongside things like "strength" and "stealth," include a "traction" stat which determines the amount of friction a character's surface has. It starts at 0.

­I drop it to -10, use the points I got to boost my durability and slam into the BBEG at 15% the speed of light.

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Cool Additional Rays For Prismatic Spray

Brown: On a failed save, the target is banished to another campaign run by a different GM. Off the player goes!

Crimson: Exactly the same as the Red Ray but the fire damage is 30% more pretentious.

Black: You can't have a black ray of light. Black's the absence of light, remember? Come the fuck on. Get your head in the game.

Smaragdine: On a failed save, the target is stunned until it can find a computer and look up what colour "Smaragdine" is.

Pink: Yay! On a failed save, the target is filled with joy and whimsy for 3 turns! Then it takes 100d100 damage of every type.

Turquoise: On a failed save, the target is stunned. It must then make a Constitution saving throw at the end of each of its turns. If it successfully saves three times, the spell ends. If it fails its save three times, it permanently turns into Sheldon Cooper. The successes and failures don't need to be consecutive; keep track of both until the target collects three of a kind.

Grey: On a failed save, absolutely nothing happens.

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a 40s cartoon-styled campaign where everything works on cartoon logic. you run off a cliff, make a dex save. if you roll high enough, you can leisurely walk back like nothing happened. got hit, make a strength save. if you roll high enough, you can push the attack back like nothing happened. but don't get too comfortable, as the same applies to the rest of the world. also, for flavor, the entire world is in monochrome and technology isn't as modern.

someone please tell me if this exists, like an even further throwback version of straight to vhs - paper

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Paper Mario-eque Action Commands being adapted to a tabletop RPG in the form of getting an attack bonus for successfully punching the dice mid-air

­I mean, I'd give someone a bonus for that. It's pretty impressive.