tripping-on-assid

[tripping-on-assid]

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I’m right where I left off. I used to like reading my posts before I posted another update, to see the relative standpoint from where I stood then to where I stand now, and all the things that I was wrapped up on, I’m still wrapped up on. The underlying pessimism will and cannot go away, even after this long. Yet, everything has changed, I have changed. This sounds so wrapped up, so cryptic, and it is because my mind is and pretty much always scattered between worth and worthlessness. I don’t like to affirm this,but it probably seems apparent I am not the starry-eyed kid I used to be. I have changed, for better or for worse. It seems I take too dearly the blessings and curses of my situation, “the devil you know is better than the devil you don’t”. Society, Florida coronavirus cases spiking, my awesome fitness, BLM, my relationship with Journey, Bobo, my job, my family, these are the things spiraling out weave in the fabric of time in my psyche. So much more could be said, and probably should, but I’m tired of writing now. So, I’ll see you when I see you Josh, hope you’re doing good in the future myself  and if not, just know present Josh loves and cares about your wellbeing right now :)

[tripping-on-assid]

102919

Before reading any of this, I feel like it is in my best judgement to say I am pretty drunk. It’s weird, life...is the weirdest its been. I can’t feel like this is a paradox, in which I’m doing the best thing vs doing the worst thing. It’s hard to type this and connect my thoughts, since I’m drunk. but I guess this is the only way I can get my thoughts across. From a thing I’ve done for two years, explaining in some detail the intricacies and dilemmas and the /checking for typos/ to make sure I convey my thoughts in the most conveyable way. It’s rough rn I can just tell you, without any other context, and with my drunk comprehension of life,, I can ultimately say it’s rough, but what can I say? What really can I say? Convey all my problems in my subjective manner in some sense that my words make an impact? Of course they do, but with social isolation shittt, it just diminishes. Who am I really to say that I’m suffering though. In a subjective sense, it isn’t that bad but, shit dude’s going through bad stuff. The paradox, like always, between self-worth and ego death  

[tripping-on-assid]

31819

It’s been another long while since I posted, mainly because I am still in stasis. It’s been an odd and interesting few months. Still no friends even though I’m making some conversation with some friends like Austin. And that’s good, I’ve been also playing the guitar and going to the gym quite a lot more. Honestly, I need that if I am living like this. I need some decent goals to mitigate the destructive behavior I’ve kinda manifested. It’s rough, like, work is rough. I mean it isn’t because it is simple and it’s chickfila, like honestly, being in the kitchen, it’s really not that hard. But the pessimistic thoughts, the isolation, my awkwardness and introversion is just, fucking radiant. One odd thing I’ve suspected would happen is that someone would catch on. Someone would be like “Hey Josh, you’re not acting like yourself, what’s wrong?”, and of course, no one gives a hand out like that, and it’s not even like I really expect one. Like honestly, look 4 or 5 posts back, and now look at the recent ones, goddamn they’re so much more depressing. It’s like, you can see an obvious shift but no one really cares? No one notices? No one talks about it. 

And I think that’s where the guilt comes in, it’s all on me. It’s me being repressive, being regressed and damn, I just need some aggression. Something to kickstart me into going into a new “epoch”? But, you see, I’m attributing my personal regression to an external aggression. There doesn’t need to be an external agitator, just the removal of regression. But the regression itself is pretty powerful, as you can probably tell by me bitching to Tumblr about my issues of the past few months. I can change my circumstance, really, anytime, so why am I hanging on? Am I manipulative? Confused? Not gonna lie, sometimes I genuinely hate myself and want to ((die)) but ay. within that deep passion of hatred and self loathing, I find myself finding myself. 

[tripping-on-assid]

11719

It’s been a while, and since the last post, relatively speaking, not much progress in the sense of the issues I was facing three months ago are the same issues that I’m struggling with now. It’s very peculiar, the fact I use more composed writing now than while it was a year ago. Perhaps it is that I am hiding, being secluded. I’d honestly say I’m isolated and it’s just very complicated. I’m awkward, I’m starting to develop quite a bit of social anxiety and I never really dive deep into personality. Why? I don’t know, I just don’t want to be attached. Love is just such a complicated thing, and it’s a hard thing to get messed up in. It’s hard when you have a life with a person, a good job, like, now I’m making 11$ an hour doing the easiest shit at chick fil a. Within this though, it has quite a bit of redemptive qualities. For starters, the disassociation is nice, that sounds quite tragic and sadistic but, I’m not going to lie. Life is pretty good, a simple, okay-ish paying job, a girlfriend that loves you and marijuana to help you (jesus christ I’m extremely cliche), that’s all I really need. Because I feel greatful in a weird way, despite a bit of the time feeling like shit, (I know this is also going to sound really cliche) but I’m like growing. At the same time I’m being some bad emotionally disconnected freak, but at the other end like wow, I’m going to the gym more, I’m starting in the kitchen at chick fil a and it looks honestly pretty promising. The relationship with my family is iffy, but that’s mainly because damn, my social awkwardness nowadays is through the roof. It’s like someone turned on some switch, like I sense the disappointment. The words of my mom to figure out wtf to do with my life, because Im about to graduate with my AA but...I still got to figure school shit out. My grandmother thinks I’m smoking too much and that’s why I don’t seem ambitious but let’s face it, a year ago, throughout all the times I’ve posted, I guess it should be inferred that Im not ambitious, but it’s not only that, it’s that goddamn sadness, that goddamn isolation.

The perspective is beautiful, unique. It’s seeing things through quite an absurd radical massive perspective shift from personal problems to the grand scheme of the human race. Fueled not only by philosophies generated by psychedelics but by philosophers and awesome youtubers. It’s working out and having the coolest mediation, or just being at the ZONE at work. Or writing this (not really, but im talking about the flow of your mind simply on the blog, which it has and hasn’t because talking about the bad stuff is overrated to me, but the worst thing is, is that it’s happening and I don’t know how to talk about it, I don’t know how to address it, and here I am, still writing in parentheses). My life is both a flipside of an upside and of a downside. I’ve never really been alone as much as I have been now. And it sucks, but I’m making the best of it. I’m sorry I’m focusing about the negative stuff and I don’t like to admit that it’s there, but I need somewhere to address it. I just don’t really know what the fuck to do with my life. No one really knows that, and the isolation is healing and hurting in the coolest ways possible.

P.S. One day I really hope you read this and just get through it, that niche, and I hope you smile. :)

[tripping-on-assid]

111918

0816

So I’m just about to go into work, which I think is a good time to vent about my feelings. Here I am, juuling, just chilling. Journeys at work, and I’m here. It just hurts because I haven’t talked to Anyome really about my genuine feelings in a while. I’ve been held in a stasis in life where I’m doing stuff but goddamn I just feel so helpless and hopeless. I’m sorry I haven’t posted a lot but this has been a vice ive been battling for a few months. It’s ridiculous even that I have to resort to here to write down my incoherent thoughts, because I can’t even comprehend what is wrong. It just is. It just isn’t somewhere where I want to be, but somehow I’m still here. In a sense I will desire this or else I wouldn’t be here but, it’s mainly due to a fear of leaving. Of completely leaving all that I’ve invested in Edgewater. My relationship and my job is basically it but those are two huge things to just throw away, but it’s even worse not being able to talk about your feelings. This is all self inflicted and all my fault, but one day I will. And when that day comes goddamn, it makes me anxious just thinking about it. The transition. The crescendo, the end. The end of so much that I’ve had experience here. It’s just rough thinking sad thoughts at work about all the bullshit you’re going through and not having any friends at work. Alienating yourself from everyone…what the fuck is beneficial about it? Why post shit like this on here? It’s doing nothing to change your situation, but instead you’re doing it. I feel trapped. This sounds so cliche and it sucks. It seems like I’m writing some cliche sad post…make it as cliche as you can, because I am sad most of the time, or better yet not sad just, here. I’m just here. I’m not living life to the fullest extent that I desire to…and that KILLS me man. So why am I here? Why do I do this to myself? Love sucks. Relationships are hard and they suck. I feel so bad. Oh well, time to get ready for work and try my best to make today ‘okay’

[tripping-on-assid]

101518

It has been a while, too long? Perhaps, but nonetheless, it’s that time again. The time of awkward and weird personal problems too hard to just simply fix them without fucking some stuff up. 3 months since my last post and I can even see in myself how even my last post was forceful, it was as if I needed, I wanted to document myself. I wanted to express myself but without much passion. That isn’t what this is here for, this is to express genuine emotion as to what I am feeling at the time. No structure, the theme is my feelings.

A lot can happen in a few months and I don’t know if a lot has happened or too little has happened. I don’t know where to begin but all I know is that I have this overwhelming depression that has sucked so much life out of me. Why? I personally believe it is to maintain the status-quo. It is to maintain what I know I am comfortable with, familiarity...I’ve always had a hard time leaving that. But at what cost? Why is it that I continue onward like this when I know something isn’t going right with life? Is that what most people do? Find something or someone comfortable and settle with it? Settling down? I am sorry if I am sounding ambivalent with what I am trying to convey but I don’t know what I am trying to convey. 

It’s love, I think it is love. The love of my girlfriend. What do you do when you find someone you know is good for you, who loves and cares and provides for you, why is it that when I have a great thing that my lack of similar passion gets in the way? And why is it I don’t know when to continue and when to keep going in relationships? 

This is all so compacted with so much bullshit, bullshit I don’t know how to get my words around, this is compacted into dancing around deeper issues that I don’t know how to deal with. All I know is I don’t want this for much longer, Edgewater. And I need to do some things but they’re just going to be so hard. Where do I go afterwards? Maybe at least then, I’ll have a home, and maybe at least then, I’ll gain pieces of myself back. This is all so encrypted and bullshit and honestly, maybe this was less emotionally enticing as my other posts but I just needed to get these emotions out somewhere, they’ve been couped up for weeks and started months ago. Either way, I know I’ll look back on this message maybe with a smirk, knowing I got through all this personal shit I thought would be an ending for me. 

[tripping-on-assid]

72418

Today I had the joy of meeting a guy named “Judge��� who was friends with Jesse. Like Jesse warned me, Judge has a tendency to talk a lot, however he was immensely captivated in every conversation, whether he was listening or speaking. He reminded me about a lot of qualities I have myself, such as this beautiful way with how he articulates his thoughts. He is an atheist however he is a Pagen, him and Jesse met at their old work, Burger King. Jesse criticized him after he left that he was not a good worker, but only because I asked what kind of worker he was. Apparently he was very lazy. 

The thing that caught me about him was how smart this man was and he was only 22, which is totally subjective, with his intelligence he could be much far ahead of where he was, but he seemed pretty content with life and that’s overall the thing that matters. 

Yet another thing that really caught me was how Nihilistic Judge was, he proclaimed we were the last generation of humanity because we do not know how to treat eachother in a population this size and it will end in destruction, just something to think about. 

[tripping-on-assid]

71418

I find myself uninspired to talk on here. Maybe it is because I have become pretty transparent with my ideas in integration with real life. There is no need to roam somewhere to vent about my problems because I have established safe perimeters in where to elaborate on my thoughts and feelings among friends. It’s truly beautiful to see how much angst I held not even a year ago on this account and this side has seen some of my darkest times, and even though my life is far from perfect, I feel not much desire to post on here, however, it is beautiful reading these. To see the progress, to see the thoughts. 

Summer has been good to me. Since the last time I posted I have really rekindled my relationship with my mother, I feel much more comfortable talking to her. I am starting to gain more friends who I believe are great for me, work is going good, and me and my girlfriend are getting along pretty well.

There just seems to be this consistent urge to talk, to create, to better myself. To be heard. I don’t know, I dont have much passion trying to type, my thoughts are too scattered.

[tripping-on-assid]

Where all my pseudo intellectual thoughts take place lmfao

[tripping-on-assid]

6418

So I want to come back to this every once in a while because I think it’s great to document my life and things that are important to me. So I’ve been talking about usually what has been going on with my life, but I haven’t really talked about the shit I think about. One things I love about the Tumblr platform is the fact that everything is organized in such an elegant manner that you can really express yourself as an individual. So I would like to do that. I might start doing that, using this account as a place to put my pictures, music taste (even though I already HAD a blog for that), photos I find interesting, music reviews...I don’t know. I just really want a place secluded from everyone I know and have a place to reallllly retreat from. Anyways, one thing that has been going on for the past few weeks is that I’ve been really focusing on becoming a better person. Legit. And it’s honestly working out pretty fucking well. I think I dabbled in this concept in my last post but, I think it all started with finally picking up and trying to learn the guitar. I bought a Yousician account to learn the guitar and I’ve been kicking ASS on it. It is a very good app for beginners, and I know like 5 chords already, so that’s very cool. Unfortunately, I lost my debit card again and had to cancel my subscription for the time being so I haven’t really been guitaring lately, however I have been Jordan Petersoning, and I don’t know...I just really love that man. I told you I had a remarkable acid trip on my last post I believe, I took about 350 mics while watching Jordan Peterson’s 4th lecture in his biblical series “Adam and Eve and the emergence of consciousness”...absolutely astounding. One of the best trips I’ve ever had. Come up was clean. I remember just being very calm and confident on the comeup, I was also not really hallucinating, it was much more of a mind-fuckedupness rather than much visuals. Granted I know if I focused on the visuals more and not my thoughts, I knew I could’ve had a much more visually enhancing experience, which may have been better for me, to go with the flow, however, I had an aim that this trip I wanted to sort out my life, and wow did I... during one part of the trip I told journey how much I loved psychedelics and the reason for that was because it changed my mind on a lot of things. It got real deep dawg.

Journey kept interrogating me on why I loved psychedelics to the point where I think Sigmund Freud would be proud of the therapy progress me and Journey made that night. I broke down crying and actually think I had some childhood regression shit go on because I was hunched over and started saying “sorry sorry sorry Im sorry” to journey when I started crying. It felt like she was going to beat me up. And like holy shit, that was such an eye opener...because i dont know, I always felt very feminine, and I think i still am very feminine. Mainly because I never had a stable father figure in my life..my dad was addicted to pain killers (even though he was the greatest dad aside from his addiction), my ex stepdad (during my childhood) was paranoid, bulimic, and a tyrannical son of a bitch who exploited and emotionally abused me and my mom for quite a while. HE certainly played a major part of my regression since I always felt so...useless around him. Then my mom’s ex boyfriend just never really tried to get close to me. Not only that but because my mom was my main caretaker, she never really let me try a lot of masculine things. I was interested in Karate and she never let me went cuz she was scared I would get injured. I wanted to play football but I had to substitute for flag football. I just never really had much expression for my masculinity...and that fucked me up physically and mentally. Not to mention it made me very susceptible to bullying, which Id like to say I was apart of from like, 4th to 7th grade. Mannnn, that shit was rough. Shit is getting me very depressed that I found all that out but, hey, that was one of the biggest things I learned on that trip. And that analysis really made me look into myself much deeper in a lot of aspects, but not only that, but I’ve been trying to better myself with telling the truth, and trying to live the best life I can.

That trip was very profound and led me to really getting into Jordan Peterson’s biblical lectures much more. Im currently on #10 out of 15 and they have been nothing but beneficial and so intriguing. The way he sets out the bible with his speech is astounding, and has led me to trying to “develop a relationship with god” which is an abstract ideal rather than something literal. And I’d like to clarify if ANYONE aside from me decides to ever read this is that I do NOT subscribe to a religion, though Jordan’s lectures were on the bible, I certainly believe that if there is a metaphysical reality out there, it is much more richer, diverse, and greater than any religion can try to conceive wtf is going on. Either way, I would say that I am spiritual. Nonetheless, this thing of “developing a relationship with god” has really been working out for me. I found out that two of my coworkers at chickfila also like Jordan Peterson and are also very intelligent and open minded as well. And thEYD LIKE TO BE MY FRIENDS! dude thats so cool. But aside from that, me and journey are doing great, and Im falling in love with her more and more everyday. Idk, Im tired of writing and dont know much to write about, soooo till next time tumblaaa

[tripping-on-assid]

The risks that accrue to you for speaking the truth are so much more minimal than the risks that accrue to you from deceiving yourself and other people that they’re not even in the same universe…speak the truth!

Jordan Peterson (via moralanarchism)

[tripping-on-assid]

53018

So its 144 in the morning and I just got done playing some League with Alex. I missed him to an extent, he is very very smart but, there’s just some existential nihilism in him way too much, or maybe not even that, but just, he refuses to put blame on himself. Which ultimately, has treated him worse than better. I tried to write earlier today but all of it seemed so forced. So, here I am, I definitely wanted to write on here tonight though. Mainly because life is going pretty well for me. 

So probably one of the craziest thing that has happened to me in the past few weeks has been that I had one hell of an acid trip about two weeks ago. I spent the majority of the time tripping, thinking. That shits immense man, I think it is so astounding that psychedelics basically cater to whatever your consciousness is thinking about during that time of your life. It was great because I was already in a good time in my life...I just finished up my spring semester in college with C’s, and I was genuinely happy I passed because I shit the bed fall semester and that really made me sad. But then again, last fall I was a fucking mess and going down a pretty bad path, mainly due to my nihilistic tendencies towards existence. Though, it is much more rich and deep than that, ultimately, my mindset was not in a good place for at least a year...in fact I was never really taught well to have a good mindset. I just learned from Jordan Peterson. But that’s the man who got me...I remember watching his 4th lecture in his biblical series about the emergence of consciousness while tripping and man, that shit genuinely got me so bent. Though, it was a pretty decent trip. It definitely did have the opportunity to get dark but I kept a strong headspace. Not really any visuals, however, I definitely felt the head high. About 300-400ugs which has been the most I’ve taken. Astounding. 

Either way, that trip compelled me in ways because even though Journey was an /okay/ tripsitter this trip (mainly because she ranted about her problems while I was coming up and I was like “woah hold the phone I need good vibes” and also because we had an altercation about one of my friends, Jourdan. (Who isnt really even a friend right now, damn how unfortunate)) the greatest thing to come out of that were my vulnerabilities. Holy shit, I remember tripping and telling her how much I loved psychedelics and how they’ve impacted me so much...one thing led to another and I started getting REALLLY fucking deep into my childhood...like what happened was some Freud repression therapy or some shit, and wow it was intense. I remember feeling like a kid again, and then feeling so vulnerable and submissive, because I remember how upset I got when I didn’t know how to stand up for myself because I never had anyone give me the confidence or tell me that standing up for yourself was good for you. So, as a child I was bullied a lot, and I was arguably bullied by my stepfather often. It made me feel helpless, and I continued that mindset up until recently, when I remember feeling so little and feeling like Journey was going to beat me up. I was crouching with my hands covering my face, like dude, it was crazy. And after I did that, wow, I had no idea I actually felt that helpless about myself, and that really actually made me tear up from time to time for the next couple of days. But ultimately, I embraced that fact and I dont know, I’m trying to learn how to play the guitar now, even though the past week I havent been on it, but I’ve been really getting into Jordan Peterson. Right now I’m on his tenth lecture in his biblical series, which is about 20ish hours of lecture material I have watched. He’s really impacting my life in a very meaningful way. Chick fil a is going better, Im starting to make good friends there and I think that’s great. That people /want/ to actually associate with me. I want to talk more but at the same time I am pretty tired, so personally I think im going to stop writing, but, life is going good. Im going to take Journey four wheeling soon! Journeys super in love with me, Im really in love with her, I just need to invest my time in something worthwhile, an artform. Etc. Because I think i have amazing ideas I would love to try to put on paper. Anyways, till next time 

[tripping-on-assid]

4218

923pm

It’s been a while. So for that, there is quite a lot to catch up on. However, like always, I’ll just write until I don’t want to anymore. Don’t care for spelling, grammar, correct sentence phrasing, any of that, just my thoughts.

I want to start off by saying that while im writing this I took about half/quarter of a tab about 45 min ago. Just for the concentration. Also, so I could probably get super intense and “deep” with what I write. Im also listening to Periphery in the background and it’s nice. The amount of acid I took wasnt much...at most it was 50ugs. I used the rest of it from microdosing. Hell, I might not even feel it since I microdosed today lmao. Nonetheless, placebo never hurt anybody right? lol. And if the acid doesnt work I got some coffee

Since I last posted, back in November, shit went FUCKING DOWNNN. Since November, Royce and my mom split, we got a new house, quit my job at panera and I failed 3/4ths of my classes that semester. Royce left because of some selfish reason of how it was “god’s plan” for him to turn over houses, and my mom didnt want to deal with that so she left his ass. I got pretty fucking sad over failing my classes, as you could see I was ranting and raving how much I despised college back in November but reality got kicked into gear when I failed. Kinda sucks. My mindset was ridiculous back then, and it still is now, however back then, it was intimately superficial. However, the deeper I got with philosophy and spirituality and all that shit, I kinda wanted to step up my game. 

Weird shit can happen to you, and weird thoughts come into play when you’re naive. And like, Im still 19. Im not granted with all this wisdom but I respect and value education. Knowledge. Discomfort. You see, how amazing would it be to just, trip on shrooms or L every few weeks, thinking about your life and thinking about all the crazy questions in life and actually have it set. How amazing would it be to smoke weed and do the same thing, everyday? Seems great, however, that isnt the best way to live. I lived it and honestly im still kinda living it. I quit working so the only obligation really I have is school and thats every other day. Living thankfully from my tax return and financial aid reimbursement. But even that is spent on shit like weed, which I blow through pretty quick. 

I italicized the word discomfort from the last paragraph because a lot of my role models talk about that, PsychedSubstance, and especially Jordan Peterson have spread that message. And like, that message is honestly everywhere “no pain, no gain” “smooth sails dont make good sailors(something like that)”, I mean, it’s everywhere. But, I took a good look into it and kinda really get the meaning of it. That’s what I like to do, I like to grab ideas by the crouch and examine tf outta them. Nonetheless, the discomfort idea is pretty solid. Jordan Peterson elaborates on the synonym of suffering though.

+Trip report: I think I kinda am feeling it, very slight visual distortions and lighting intensity. 

Anyways! Thats another thing Id like to talk about, psychedelics. I mean, when do i not, but, I told myself and my girlfriend (we’re still together and we’re going pretty good! In fact we’ve gotten much much closer since November) that I would  take a break from psychedelics after I had a 5g shroom trip that was wayyyy too intense for me. I said I wouldn’t do hallucinogens until april 8th, and guess what? I didnt fall through. Because guess what? It isnt april 8th yet. In fact I’ve microdosed twice. Sooooo, I broke that promise. And that brings in a problem, who do i go to when I cant tell my girlfriend stuff? Why cant i?  Why are there some things that I should keep private and why am i keeping this a secret? I dont know but it feels much better to type this out than to live without it being somewhere.   So youre probably thinking how I couldnt keep my word, well let me tell you a story and end with a self analysis.

So about a week ago I got back into town from visiting the day with my grandmother/aunt/cousin/mother for my grandmother’s birthday bash. I was pretty bummed I had to go (even though i had a pretty good time there, we played scategories, it was fun) because i was missing emo night in daytona! Well, I got back into town enough to see half of it and my friend Mashal ( i bought L off of him before, me and him are pretty good acquaintances) asked me if i wanted a tab. I was like “aw hell yeah but I dont have any $” and he was like “its fine bro here you go enjoy” 

So right when i got it i was ecstatic. It’s like i couldnt wait until april 8th. It was in my hand, I couldve tripped that night, but i knew i had a promise to keep. A promise id eventually break but, it gave me so much more passion in life. The hobby of reading about trip reports, about being able to trip again, it was just. So.Fucking.Interesting. like honestly, tripping is so profound. I mean hell, Im on a little bit of acid rn. 

And that leads me to the analysis and honestly I dont know if thats good or bad. I dont know what to think about that. Because i know my attitude shifted considerably from no desire to trip to wanting to trip hella bad. Getting back into trip reports, reading about different combos with weed and other substances. I missed it. And honestly, that kind of worries me a bit. Because my passion is what? Learning about and doing psychedelics? 

It’s so weird because I tripped a lot last winter, once every few weeks, if not every one to two weeks. And even though it was so profound, I got HPPD. And i think that really fucked with my brain. Theres this fog i get in my head, foggy/cloudy mindset. Where focusing, thinking, talking, doing stuff is a bit more...complex than it is usually. I think i suffered a bit of disassociation too. I would constantly think I wasnt myself, that maybe I was just some vessel, or some robot just doing mundane tasks. It was the weirdest feeling ever. However, I was going through a lot like...I was pretty fucking sad. So HPPD with depression wasnt the best. I was sad I was moving, I was sad my parents broke up, and I was especially sad over failing my classes, and...i also got into two car crashes, both within a month. So, I felt like doodoo. But which came first? the chicken or the egg? Did i get sad because of the psychedlics and then had a crash or did i have a crash and then get super sad? either way, i was a mess. And leaving psychedelics out  was uncomfortable because I remember doing shrooms once because I  had problems to fix. But my mood and my mind couldnt handle psychedelics. And I dismissed them, but after Mashal gave me that tab, I felt the same passion I had last winter over psychedelics again. And I was just so happy that I would trip again soon. 

So that happened. In fact, April 7th is when im planning on tripping, Kyle (ex panera employee also Journeys best friend...crazy!) is planning on coming over to journeys and we gonna trip, smoke weed, and chill and I told him i wanted to go see nature and stuff. Im also on a break from weed so when I do smoke on saturday, my tolerance will be 0 and I will have an intense af experience. Im ready. 

Also, this is my like, 3rd night at my mom’s house, and 1st night with the computer back. So maybe ill hit you guys up later with maybe something more thought out, but this is my entry! till next time

[tripping-on-assid]

121417

1208am

So I don’t really post much on here like I thought I would, mainly because there’s just cooler shit to do than to type out your problems. Nonetheless, I think something happened to me tonight that needs to be documented, and that is the fact that my Mom came into my room crying and telling me she loves me and how all she wants is for me to have a good life, this all just happened a few minutes ago. I told her about my college classes and how I only passed one out of like, the three I took. And she’s disappointed in me, I talked to my grandmother tonight because my mom gave me her phone and I got a lecture from her, and I think that is what I needed. 

You see, in my opinion I think humanity, consciousness, society, meaning, purpose, all of those things are inherently flawed, nonexistent or fabricated. I got into such weird phases the past year, whether it be from drugs and listening to trap music or doing psychedlics and philosophizing about life, whatever the case, it has been quite the ride.

But all of this is mediocre. I can think, I can chill, I can get high all I want but as to how much benefit will I be to society? If it even means anything. Why did I keep pursuing school even if I didn’t want to do it this semester? Because of my mom. What is it with the attachment of family when it comes to making decisions? That is my meaning right there. Knowing that people care about me, for whatever reason, and trying not to let them down. But not only that but I realized about a few days ago that I want to help people in my life. Perhaps be a 911 dispatcher. 

I’m tired and I don’t want to talk much but I feel like this is notable information, long story short, I don’t want to fuck up with school anymore. I love my mom and I want to be a beneficial member in society. I know this is blunt without much reasoning to it but, yeah. 

[tripping-on-assid]

Trip Report 1

112917 719pm

So I wanted to make this not only because I haven’t posted in a while but because this experience taught me to respect the FUCK out of Psychedelics, especially if you’re planning on taking a larger dose than usual. Set and setting matter so fucking much. And another thing, don’t be as stupid as me.

So I got two tabs from my friend and they both were about 150ugs give or take a bit. So I decided on taking them the day I had off of school and work which is very rare. The morning came to when it was time to do them and me and my girlfriend went out to Peach Valley for breakfast and after the food, I decided to take them. It was around 10 in the morning and she was running a few errands and I felt them coming on around 30 minutes in, it was fucking intense. When we got to her house I decided to lay down, chill, and watch some videos about North Korea. And holy shit, not even an hour in the visuals were crazy. The koreans in the documentary looked Kawaii as fuck, like they had big eye balls and I was like “holy shit I can’t do this anymore”. So I decided to try to have sex and that was too much for me too. The ceiling in my girlfriend’s room was making a kaleidoscope pattern in which it looked like the ceiling was just a veil covering a vast space of blue behind it through the kaleidoscope (keep in mind the ceiling isnt actually blue this was just my hallucinations). So I’m pretty much plateuing now, so I decided to go into the bathroom and looking at myself and holy shit my fucking face was distorted as hell, like it was melting and morphing and I personally thought it was pretty cool, but kinda weird seeing your face melt off. 

The entire trip was good until around 5 o’clock and that’s when it started to get not so good. I was very quiet, which is weird because in the past whenever I did L I was usually energetic. Or even with shrooms I could be able to talk, this trip I couldn’t. I didn’t feel like it. And that made my girlfriend really uncomfortable and in turn made me uncomfortable. I went on this huge rant where I said I didn’t need drugs to be happy? Which is completely accurate but while I was tripping I guess I took the implication that I needed to feel this way to be happy. Not only did the anxiety of not being able to convey my thoughts very well scared me but I was also getting short-term memory loss, and I completely freaked out. So even if I wanted to have a conversation with my girlfriend, I would just forget what we were talking about 20 seconds ago. NOT ONLY THAT BUT I also had a shift at work I was supposed to cover around 1 in the morning (it was a truck shift so I just take everything that the truck sends and put it in its place at the store I work at). So I was hella freaking out. So in order to calm down I thought that going out to eat would be a good idea (keep in mind the visuals are still in full swing), so we go to Red Robin and the dim lit corners of our booth changed colors. Sort of like an RGB type of lighting where it would shift from green to red to blue, over and over. It was actually pretty cool and interesting. Though I still wasn’t in the mood to talk and I didn’t eat much of my food. After the drive back it was around 10 and the hallucinations were still there with the RGB shifting lights. I decided to just calm down. Me and my girlfriend started watching a show on Netlflix and it was nice, though I was stuck between watching that and listening to music. Then, it was around 12. About time to go. So I calmed down and convinced myself I was alright. Now keep in mind I was in Edgewater and my work is in Ormond. So, the drive alone is around 30 minutes taking the highway. So...I get in my car and drive. I go to a gas station, pick up a redbull and then get on the highway to get to work. On the way there I tried to keep my cool as much as I could and I did a pretty good job of it. The dashed white lines on the highway were changing color and the road look like a tube I was driving in. The highway signs changed color, thankfully no one is on the goddamn road at 12:30 at night. 

I made it there safely, thank fucking god, and I was in the parking lot waiting for the truck to come and the waiting was horrible. One of the worst experiences in my life. The creeping anxiety that came with me still tripping and the fact that I needed to cover up my tripping as best as I could scared the hell out of me. I was extremely suicidal saying repeatedly to myself “I want to kill myself” while sobbing. I was still rational in a sense though because I was like “I might not want to kill myself tomorrow or after I sober up but right now I really want to kill myself”. Thankfully, I had a friend to talk to me before the truck came and she helped me out a lot. Soon enough, came the truck and I did my best to act cool and honestly I was very focused much of the time. Doing mundane tasks like putting shit away while on acid is pretty enjoyable, I was coming down and usually when I come down I get the disassociation from my ego that I really enjoy. I felt extremely spiritual and had very profound thoughts. Even though it was very scary having a person there (the baker) that doesn’t necessarily mind you  but would certainly freak out if they knew you were tripping. Putting everything away takes about 3ish hours, and it is pretty overwhelming because they stack boxes upon boxes that takes up about a quarter of the store, but I just kept saying “one step at a time” and kept focusing on each item. Soon enough, around 5/6 o’clock the morning associates showed up. One of them asked me if I could take her shift and for her to leave me alone I just blindingly agreed. Since it lasted around 20 hours it was the longest trip I had and i thought i was going insane and I just wanted it to stop. Luckily I woke up a few hours later for school and I felt a tad more functional. Moral of the story: if you’re taking acid have at least two days where you can fully recover.

[tripping-on-assid]

111417

642pm

Just another thing, I also don’t remember the last time I showered. Which is also another part of me being fucking pathetic. 

Also, I wish there was a philosophy side of Tumblr that I wish existed. A better way to get discussions across, which Tumblr isn’t much of a platform to do that. It’s more of a statement platform. It’s more of a listen, read, see, hear, type of platform. Like, any of my audience could talk to me if they wanted to but this platform is pretty complicated when it comes to talking to people. But I really wanted to address the issue of compassion in today’s society. 

So instead of going to class I decided to smoke most of the rest of my blunt and then drive around and do whatever shit I wanted to do, which was really just going to a park and going to smoothie king and driving through the loop, nothing too special. Eh, I dont want to explain it anymore Ill stop it here.

[tripping-on-assid]

111417

553pm

So I made an effort into wanting to post today, mainly because I had a lot on my mind. There is a sort of effort that goes into this that makes starting this a huge pain in the ass. Sort of like school, but more leisure-oriented. First of all, I skipped my pre-calc class today. Which I have been doing more often now towards the latter end of this year. I don’t know, the past week has been a “wallow in self pity” type of fest for me. I just know I don’t need that class anymore for my major that I switched so why care? That is a horrible mindset because that just throws a ton of money down the fucking drain. But hopefully I can makeup my fuck ups by my past dual enrollment credits and I don’t know. I don’t know. Right now I would probably be high. Which is what I really want to talk to you guys about today. Even if I only have one fucking follower, I still don’t care, it’s more of a diary than anything else. My dealer texted me about two days ago saying he had some “sour diesel” and I’m just like “yeah sure fuck it”, I’ve been wanting to text him for a few days now to hook me up with a prerolled blunt but I didn’t want to intrude on him too much since I bought a quarter off of him a little over a week ago. But, soon enough, I gave in, and two days ago I asked him for the blunt. Well, there’s just something about smoking now that makes me very uneasy. I don’t feel good where I am in life right now. I just don’t. I feel like it’s a variety of factors but the main one HAS to be smoking. It has sucked my motivation dry to do schoolwork. And that is upsetting coming from a Cum Laude High School honors student. College doesn’t really matter to me. It never has. I was never given an emphasis on applying for scholarships, I never went to go visit a college to see what it’s like to live the University life, I’m stuck in a time in my life where I don’t give a fuck about school because I was really never given the emphasis on how glorious it may be. Throughout all my years trudging through highschool, I just want schooling to be over. So bad. But I know with time, I will get AT LEAST my associates and then be able to live a more independent life. 

You see? I’m 19 years old. I want to live that life already, I know it sounds naive and really immature but I just want to fucking move on with life already. 

And I feel like this immature feeling is just coming from the perspective that 2017 was not my year. Not in the least bit. It has been nothing but a downwards spiral in so many aspects of my life. Socially, academically, with my job (kinda sorta), it’s rough, you know? I think the major factor of it is because I REALLLLY like the way pot makes my mind feel. I like the thoughts I have. Everything else sucks though, my physical health has deterred a lot because of it I bet. 

That’s why I want to start a new phase in my life soon, where I just don’t smoke. Back in the olden times where I actually invest my time into something that matters. Something I enjoy doing. Something that makes an impact in society, in life, rather than just mope around and smoke pot. It’s humiliating to a certain extent, and there needs to be an end to that. 

You see, the past year has been good to me (which is contradictory from my last statement I realize), in the sense of learning about the world, learning about life, coming to terms to things about a lot of stuff. I have dove into spiritual depths I never imagined. I organized life. How the world works. Oh my god I just feel like I have come to terms with so much. I’ve discovered so much, but the question is, do I regret it? These are vital times in my life. By having these experiences I actually had to give up quite a bit of success, instead of being “magna cum laude” I got an F in the last quarter of a class of mine that brought me down to only “cum laude”. Shit that could have easily been avoided if I were to just do my homework. I failed a college class while in dual enrollment (thank god it was my last semester being a senior or else I would have been kicked out) because I forgot the due date of our final and then only about three days later I logged into my college account to realize I forgot the final, and I just shrugged it off. I didn’t email the professor, nothing, I just took the L which could have not have been the case. I know I’m more than likely going to fail precalc, I withdrew from my financial accounting class, no longer a business major...this is the purest form of fucking up your year academically, and I could give less of a fuck about what my GPA is. This is me going off the deep end. This is me ruining my life.

Not only academically has it been hard but socially it’s been hard too. Honestly, I know I have a great girlfriend. I love Journey a lot. Why? Because she has been a role model of who I’ve been wanting to be like for yearrssss. She’s self-driven to get what she wants. She’s motivated. She’s cute, sweet, funny, oh my god there’s so much I adore about her. But with all the investment of her I’m missing out on a ton of personalities. Which is one thing you got to sacrifice when you’re in a relationship. But it’s not just that. It’s my best friends. I lost them too. I lost Emily and Torin. Emily because I was irrational and unfollowed her and eventually blocked her because of drama caused between me and HER bestfriend. And Torin because, well, drugs. Torin has been my friend for about three years now, and considering I don’t really maintain people long in my life, that’s pretty long for me. Emily was my friend for about a year and a half. And you know, I could ask for them back, I could tell Emily I’m sorry and that I miss her and she’ll probably understand if I tell her the whole story about how I felt but, I know it’ll never be the same. And Torin? I know I could probably just get more invested back into video games and we’d be closer but he’s got his own crowd that he fucks with now.

It’s an odd time in my life. For sure. But I want to change it because weed has been nothing but self deprecating the past few weeks and I don’t want to feel that. I want to be more fit. I want to be more energetic. I want to take tasks face on and not procrastinate as much. I want to feel happy and content with life without the use of drugs. And I can do that, I’ve done it before. it’s just rought transitioning you know? Outside from a certain mindset or state of being. It’s tough, but I bet I can make it to where I don’t smoke as normally as I do, that I can be more physically active, I just don’t know where to begin with most of that stuff. It seems so challenging but I know it’s just the mindset of how to begin it.