triptychcryptid

[triptychcryptid]

Thanks for the tag!

Favorite color: Pink! But my favorite combo is hot pink and like a cyan/turquoise

Last Song: The Gym by Wolves of Glendale

Currently Reading: Nothing much. Recently finished Sunrise on the Reaping though

Currently Watching: Malcolm in the Middle. I remember watching it when it was airing and loved it. Have not seen it since then. XD

Currently craving: Sleep.

Coffe or Tea: both, but coffee is life. I put SO much creamer in it though. XD

@localcanadiancreature62 @rayyanishere1 @sharksfrommars

get to know your moots tag game ! ✶ answer the questions, then tag six people

favorite color ꕀ green and brown last song ꕀ tú by maye currently reading ꕀ the luminaries by susan dennard currently watching ꕀ the great british baking show currently craving ꕀ massaman curry. like always. and like. alcohol and a couple cigs HAHA. a break too :P coffee or tea ꕀ always tea! i don't like coffee

ty for the tag @saltcxrcle ! tagging: @lelapine @toadspondofwhimsy @outof-spite @h0neyst4rz @hhoneylemon @our-lady-of-venom

[triptychcryptid]

DD Mabel: Adorable. Sweet. Cares fiercely about her family and friends. Silly. Makes horrendous looking concoctions that somehow taste amazing. Very creative. Great at sweaters. Very good at nails and makeup. Great Sister.

Also DD Mabel: Picked up Revenge Glittering from her grandma. Thinks every outing is an opportunity for romance. Once stalked a boy home only to learn he was actually a really young looking Dad. Ran all the way back home after that. Sleeps in the weirdest positions. Steals Ford's socks and bedazzles them, then wears them around the house. Once tried to Bedazzle Stevie. Stan had to intervene because Stevie was all for it.

[triptychcryptid]

Ah, this is so good!

My precious baby Anti! 🥹

What is this, a crossover follow-up?

You know it! Thank fuck Part 2 is finally done, it was fighting me this whole time and I finally managed to wrangle it into submission lol.

Art by @tearosepedall

Part 1

“You’re going to have to remove a few layers if I’m to administer proper medical attention.” Ford grunted, scanning Jerk Ford to keep an eye on his surprisingly stable vitals. They were just now starting to dip into potentially life-threatening territory, which was impressive considering that Jerk Ford had been riddled with holes for at least an hour.

“Only if you take off your helmet." Jerk Ford retorted, his words at odds with how he moved to dutifully hold his hoodie and undershirts up so Ford could scrutinize his wounds unhindered.

“No.” Ford snapped without conscious thought, a knee-jerk denial to such vulnerability. Taking off the helmet would remove his prescience from the equation and tip the scales in Jerk Ford’s favor. He couldn’t afford to give Jerk Ford any advantage or he might take control of the situation.

"You're asking me to strip in the middle of a grimy alleyway, the least you could do is take the damn bucket off. We have the same face for fuck’s sake." Jerk Ford scowled, his grip on the bunched up fabric of his layers tightening. His nails were brittle, indicating an underlying health problem beyond his current injuries.

Ford grimaced, acknowledging that Jerk Ford had a point. And, for the sake of keeping things somewhat amicable, he supposed that it was a small price to pay. Besides, he still outmatched Jerk Ford in terms of both speed and strength. If his counterpart tried anything, he was confident that he could handle it.

Ford reached under his jaw, fingers finding the metal side release buckle and unclipping it with a firm press on either side. The thin, needle-like probe plugged into the port embedded in the back of his head slid out and folded away into a hidden compartment before he hesitantly dragged his helmet off. He squinted at the sudden wave of sensory input, no longer filtered by the helmet.

"Huh, interesting. That a prescription helmet? Or did you bite the bullet and get some Space LASIK?" Jerk Ford huffed, sharp eyes roaming over his face as if committing it to memory; or perhaps searching for something. Either way, Ford felt exposed under his piercing gaze.

“I had eye surgery to enhance my vision.” Ford mumbled, oddly self-conscious about his voice now that he didn’t have the built-in voice modulator to mask certain emotions. It was easier to talk to people when they didn’t know what he was thinking or feeling. Of course, that’s not to say his composure wasn’t immaculate, but it was hard to hide from himself.

Jerk Ford nodded, his eyes drifting to the mouth of the alley as he let go of the cloth clenched in his hands in favor of dragging his hoodie up and off, closely followed by his undershirt and thermal shirt. He carelessly draped all three items over one of his arms to keep them off the ground but out of the way, his free hand adjusting his glasses since they had been knocked askew as he stripped.

The first thing that Ford noticed was how thin he was, his ribs visible under sickly pale skin. The brittle fingernails, the almost grayish cast to his complexion, the dark circles under his eyes, and the sheer amount of layers he wore on a pleasantly warm day had Ford suspecting that he was anemic on top of being malnourished. Ford contemplated giving Jerk Ford one of the snacks he kept stashed on his person before they parted ways, though he doubted it would be well received.

"How did you end up in the multiverse?” Ford asked, shedding both his gloves and trench coat to maybe help the other man feel less uncomfortable by further baring himself. His arms were covered in extensive scarring from blades and burns and bullets, though Jerk Ford didn’t give them more than a passing glance, far more interested in his face for some reason.

Ford rummaged through the pouches on his utility belt, retrieving a serum to kick-start the healing process and a second one that would help his body replenish the lost blood faster. Ford instinctively pressed a warm palm to Jerk Ford’s side as he stuck the first needle into the bullet wound, administering an equal amount into each hole in Jerk Ford’s torso before waiting for them to start steadily closing to make sure he didn’t need another dose.

"Bill possessed me and tried to start the portal, but my brother came downstairs to stop him. There was a fight." Jerk Ford recounted, mouth twisting as his eyes got distant, staring at nothing in particular when his attention turned inward. "Bill pinned him against a control panel and burned him, and he kicked us back as a knee-jerk reaction."

“I see.” Ford said in a carefully neutral tone, processing the freely offered information as his gaze swept over each injury to ensure that the damage was repaired, leaving sensitive pink skin where gaping wounds used to be.

"Knowing him, he still feels guilty about it, all these years later.” Jerk Ford sighed, blinking a few times as he returned to the present when one of Ford’s hands cupped his forearm, the other using two fingers to prod Jerk Ford’s inner elbow to search for a vein.

"If he hadn't kicked you into the portal, Bill would have made you kill him.” Ford stated, uncapping the second syringe to ease the needle into the vein that seemed most promising.

"I can hardly tell him that from this side, dumbass.” Jerk Ford scoffed, watching Ford slowly press the plunger so the iridescent liquid could enter his bloodstream. A beneficial side effect of the serum was that Jerk Ford would be warmed from the inside until the serum was fully converted into red and white blood cells, which would ease the complications that came with being anemic.

"Do you miss him? Your brother?” Ford asked, tucking the emptied syringe into the same pouch that held the first one before stepping back. Jerk Ford took that as his cue to shrug back into his undershirt and trademark hoodie, Ford himself pulling his trench coat and gloves back on.

"What a stupid question, of course I do. Every fucking day." Jerk Ford declared in such a casual tone that Ford paused, his brows furrowing as he scrutinized this strangely open variation of himself. He’d said those words like it was a simple fact, like it was expected and shouldn’t be surprising to hear in the least. "Most of the Fordverse does, but you know that pride and ego get in the way of admitting it.”

“You’re very self-aware for a Ford.” Ford remarked, tone cautious. He was used to navigating a minefield of bitterness and excessive anger –or even outright violence on occasion– when he brought up a Ford’s variation of Stanley; this was jarringly different from the usual routine of arguing with a man who would rather commit suicide desperately trying to kill a cosmic god then admit that they missed their brother.

"We all have the ability to be. But for a lot of us, we're too stubborn. The sin of pride hangs over my head as it does any other version of us; the only real difference is that my ego is not the most important thing in the multiverse to me." Jerk Ford said with an indifferent shrug, bracing a hand on the wall to push himself up straight, looking pleasantly surprised when he found that his legs held his weight.

“What is the most important thing to you then?” Ford asked, intrigued by this strange version of himself who’s brutal honesty came off as jerkish and abrasive. Ford has met all kinds of Fords from every stage of life; but this Ford, this so-called Jerk Ford, was the first one he had met that he didn’t actively want to maim.

"Going home. It's been a long time, but I know there's at least one person who is still waiting for me." Jerk Ford admitted, brushing himself off. He was avoiding eye contact and his posture indicated that he felt awkward, all signs that pointed toward Jerk Ford making himself look occupied on purpose. It was a common tactic used among Fords when the matter of feelings came up.

“And what of Bill Cipher?” Ford prompted with a grimace. Uttering the name made his mouth feel numb even now, all these years later. The chill that crawled down his spine was expected, as was the sudden flare-up of his rampant paranoia. Suddenly, he wanted the helmet back on more than anything, wanted the comfort of his technology.

"What about him? He's probably being a total bitch to someone else right now." Jerk scoffed, waving a hand dismissively. Ford was momentarily stunned by how… unaffected by the topic of Bill Jerk Ford was, as if Bill didn’t have the same hold on him as the demon did other Fords. “If I wanted him on my mind 24/7, I wouldn't have bothered with a metal plate."

“You’re not concerned that he might seek revenge against you and your family?” Ford asked, his voice harder than he’d intended. Jerk Ford’s eyes cut to him, staring with an intensity that made Ford posture on instinct.

"I can either go back to my dimension and seal it against him because I'm the only one from my Earth who knows his weaknesses. Or, I can die in a suicide mission against him, and no one seals it. It's not a hard choice. I'm not some hero trying to take on some omniscient triangle who's mad at being told ‘no’." Jerk Ford bit out, crossing his arms.

“And the destruction and pain he will cause because you didn’t destroy him?” Ford seethed, hands curling into fists. Jerk Ford’s narrowed eyes briefly darted down to them, something flickering underneath the defensive anger before it was swiftly buried again. “Do you often let others suffer the consequences of your mistakes because you can’t be bothered to fix them?”

"First you want to know about my relationship with my twin, and now you're getting on my case about Bill Cipher?” Jerk Ford retorted, bracing himself in a manner that signalled that he was ready to bolt at a moment’s notice. “If you're so concerned, why don't you go around eradicating that isosceles bastard and all of his alternates? Is it because you're too busy committing the most elaborate method of self-harming possible?"

“You can’t just go home and pretend he doesn't exist and that he doesn't have a personal vendetta against you!” Ford snarled, closing the gap between them with an abrupt burst of movement, slamming his counterpart up against the wall. Jerk Ford’s annoyed expression finally cracked, revealing the unmistakable wariness beneath. “He will destroy everything you care about and everyone you love, saving you for last. And if you’re lucky he’ll just kill you and be done with it.”

"I don't think this is really about me right now." Jerk Ford said slowly, one of his hands tentatively moving to Ford’s wrist. His fingers curled around the sliver of skin beneath his sleeve, gently squeezing, and Ford’s entire body hummed with the cautious contact. "Look at me, I can't even fight you. If I tried to take Cipher head-on, it's going to end with me dead, Cipher alive, and my dimension unsealed. It's my fault, I'm not going to lie about that, just like most versions of us I did this. But if I'm gonna fix it, I can't do it from out here."

“I–” Ford cut himself off with a shuddering breath, his grip on Jerk Ford’s hoodie loosening. The red film over his vision slinked back into the bowels of his mind, leaving Ford staring at his counterpart, towering over Jerk Ford’s slightly shorter frame menacingly. “I… can see where you’re coming from. The best offense is a good defense, as it were. Play to your strengths.”

Ford let go of Jerk Ford’s hoodie. Stepped back.

“That’s all we can do, out here.” Jerk Ford murmured, his lax hold lingering, a welcome warmth against Ford’s skin. He breathed in deep, holding for a few moments, before exhaling slowly. Ford’s insides were jittery, but the contact grounded him to the here and now. He wondered how Jerk Ford had figured it out, or if he had simply made an educated guess and hoped for the best.

"You never did say why you hounded me. Any version of us would be down for a philosophy chat if that’s what you were looking for. You're not after a bounty. And the Hate Club has a policy of shooting someone dead if they 'sympathize' with me.” Jerk Ford changed the subject with surprising tact, finally relinquishing his loose grip. Ford watched his counterpart’s arm fall limp at his side, a part of him mourning the loss.

"I wasn't after your bounty specifically, no. Though you were brought to my attention due to a wanted poster.” Ford hummed, taking the out that was freely offered with no small amount of relief. "I was mainly concerned for your brother, so I figured I would evaluate your character to determine whether or not you were as bad as your hate club claims.”

"Oh no, I'm definitely as bad as they say. Except to my brother. You won't believe me when I say this, but he is literally the only person in this whole multiverse that I've never been mean to. It's not like they ever believed that… or bothered to ask.” Jerk Ford snorted, something akin to bitterness in his tone. Ford really couldn’t blame him, not when the vast majority of their variants were insufferable.

"So long as you're an adequate brother to Stan, I could care less if you're good or bad.” Ford grunted, striding over to where he had discarded his helmet in his rage, scooping it up and wiping the grime off the otherwise unblemished surface with the sleeve of his trench coat.

“Why do you care at all?” Jerk Ford asked, his voice closer than Ford expected. Ford turned to confirm that, yes, Jerk Ford had trailed after him. Ford had been one wrong word from inflicting bodily harm no more than a minute ago and his intended victim wasn’t running for the hills. How peculiar. “Don’t you have your own brother to look after?”

“My brother…" Ford pauses, a lump forming in his throat. He swiftly donned the helmet to hide behind carbon fiber, fiberglass, and expanded polypropylene. He swallowed thickly, mouth twisted with grief and guilt. When he tried again, his voice was monotone after being filtered through the built-in modulator. "My original brother. He's– well. I haven't seen him in decades.”

"Like the rest of us?" Jerk Ford drawled, raising a brow.

“I'm just one of the many Fords who didn't realize the damage they were doing until it was far too late." Ford said blandly, head ducking a bit so he could stare down at his hands. Being destined for greatness meant very little when it had cost him half his soul, a price that Ford realized was far too steep far too late. "I have no one to blame but myself for what happened.”

“Hm.” Jerk Ford hummed, his expression giving nothing away. Ford had no idea what he could be thinking, it was… unsettling. Ford would analyze his counterpart to figure it out, but he didn’t actually want to know what the other man thought of him now that his inadequacy was made so glaringly obvious.

“No scathing comment? From what I’ve been able to gather about your character thus far, it’s unlike you.” Ford huffed, attempting to make light of the situation, but it fell horribly flat. Stans excelled in this area, but Ford had never seemed to get the hang of coping with humor no matter how much time he spent around variations of his brother.

"Look, I've been called a lot of things; a jerk, an asshole, a jackass, a bitch–and all of those things are true.” Jerk Ford stressed, his brows furrowed. He almost looked offended by the implication that he would be that cruel, and his next words confirmed it: “But I'm not a monster.”

“No, you’re not.” Ford agreed, his attention drawn away from his counterpart when his proximity sensor chirped at him. Ford’s eyes flicked to the icon, selecting it with a blink. Movement at the mouth of the alley, steadily making its way closer. The dot was moving slowly, indicating cautiousness. There was a high probability that whoever was approaching was one of Jerk Ford’s allies, over 70%.

"I did have to sink that low once. Once. It was to save my life, but I still wish I didn't have to.” Jerk Ford continued, as if he couldn’t stop himself, like he was trying to convince Ford –or perhaps himself– that whatever he had done didn’t make him scum. Once upon a time Ford would’ve been able to relate, but now there were only a handful of lines that he would not cross.

"We all do things we're not proud of to survive. I would never hold that against you, doing so would make me a hypocrite.” Ford offered, multitasking between keeping track of the dot and presenting his own opinion on the matter. He could tell that his words settled Jerk Ford a bit, easing a deep-rooted doubt that no amount of empty words could soothe.

“Psst! Jerk!” A familiar voice carried through the quiet alley, Ford turning to get eyes on the colorful man that was crouched behind a dumpster nearby. The Anti-Ford’s gaze kept straying from Jerk Ford, anxiously checking to see if Ford had moved. “Dude, let’s get out of here before… he tries anything. S is waiting around the corner for us.”

Jerk Ford heaved a sigh and shuffled forward, bypassing Ford to reach his ally, who lurched to his feet in order to meet him. Quite brave of the Anti-Ford considering he was clearly terrified, all but dragging Jerk Ford back the way that Anti-Ford had come. The Anti Ford was whispering a mile a minute, continuously looking behind them like he expected to see Ford rushing at them.

However, Jerk Ford only looked back a moment before the pair turned the corner to meet up with this mysterious ‘S’ figure that the Anti-Ford had mentioned, his expression once again unreadable.

[triptychcryptid]

Better get your kicks somewhere else, Billy Boy. XD

Jerk Ford AU: Bill's Disappointment

The way I write the timeline in this AU is when Canon Ford went after his Bill Cipher for his suicide mission last stand, most of the other Fords across the multiverse were doing the same thing at the same time. Jerk Ford, although aware, did not.

But his Bill Cipher was still expecting him to do the same thing as the rest of the Fordverse.

Bill's waiting in his little pop up dimension looking at his watch like "He'll be here any minute now... Any minute."

Meanwhile, Jerk Ford is in the parking lot of a Space Waffle House downing a bottle of Seven Crown.

---

Also, Bill hates Jerk Ford. Hates him for catching onto his 'muse' act, hates him for stringing him along romantically for knowledge and to say that he siked a God.

As much as he despises Jerk Ford though... just like Canon Bill is implied to be, Bill from this AU is also an obsessed ex. His rage and hatred for Stanford Pines is matched only by his thirst for him.

However, the entire time Jerk Ford was outside of his dimension, he and Bill did not directly see each other or interact. Jerk at 57 years old isn't exactly the same as he was at 27. Obviously, its been thirty years. But physically, one of his most obvious differences is he lost a lot of weight and slimmed down even compared to Canon Ford; something that usually isn't usually noticed because he never bothered getting clothes in a smaller size than he was used to after being portaled.

After not seeing Jerk Ford up close in thirty years, Bill Ciphers thirst for him dries right up when he finally sees him again during Weirdmageddon, just because he's not a bear anymore.

-In the Fearamid Penthouse Suite-

Bill, staring at Jerk's chest while floating in front of him: Where did they go? 🥺

Jerk: Are you trying to body shame me? You? You're literally two dimensional.

Bill: Say, is your brother still single?

Jerk: *offended Ford noises*

[triptychcryptid]

Uh oh, did DD Stan just make another Ford friend? But nooo, but he can't be friends with Watch because Watch is a Ford and Stan HATES Fords. Except Anti Ford because he's a precious baby angel. And maybe Loser Ford because he's just...so sad. XD But the ONLY thing I can think of is maybe when Stan's still on the Dino planet. When he's first there, he's in a "poor" area where the dinos uh..eat what they can get. XD So he gets hunted alot. So if it was something like he was greviously injured from killing ANOTHER dino, and his adopted Archaeopteryx daughter was off trying to find the Compy Doc that usually helps him (stan is like a fucking unicorn to this guy. He's SO excited to fix up a human xD) Ooor maybe his first year Bounty Hunting if he got injured. Either way, Stan would unfortunately be VERY hostile at first. XD

Hello! I have a VERY self-indulgent question. XD I have a silly little AU where Stanford views Bill as an actual god, becomes a religious zealot, he AND Stan get portaled, but Stanford goes back to Gravity Falls to start a Cyphertology cult and leaves Stan in the multiverse for dead. Stan survives and vows vengence on his Stanford and spends 30 years trying to figure out how to get back while Stanford tries to get the portal up to bring Bill and "salvation of their dimension" about. Stan has the second journal with him, which is why it's taken Stanford so long. XD

Anyway! What would Watch think of aallll of that? XD

If Watchdog can't beat some sense into Stanford, he's saving Stan the trouble and killing him. Watchdog isn't subjecting an entire dimension to Bill's psychotic whims because a mentally unwell Ford decided that this is the hill he wants to die on.

[triptychcryptid]

Lol, unsanctioned team up, perhaps? XD

Hello! I have a VERY self-indulgent question. XD I have a silly little AU where Stanford views Bill as an actual god, becomes a religious zealot, he AND Stan get portaled, but Stanford goes back to Gravity Falls to start a Cyphertology cult and leaves Stan in the multiverse for dead. Stan survives and vows vengence on his Stanford and spends 30 years trying to figure out how to get back while Stanford tries to get the portal up to bring Bill and "salvation of their dimension" about. Stan has the second journal with him, which is why it's taken Stanford so long. XD

Anyway! What would Watch think of aallll of that? XD

If Watchdog can't beat some sense into Stanford, he's saving Stan the trouble and killing him. Watchdog isn't subjecting an entire dimension to Bill's psychotic whims because a mentally unwell Ford decided that this is the hill he wants to die on.

[triptychcryptid]

I like your blog name! Very stimmy

Haha, thank you so much! You talking about the TriptychCryptid part or the Home of the PTA Velociraptor Mom part? Because both are VERY nerdy references. XD

[triptychcryptid]

Reblog

One of DD Stan's past one-night stands leaves newborn bastard on his porch. What does he do?

Oooh, you asked for it, TJ. XD

Dumb answer:

Actual answer:

Stan would legit try to track down the mom first. XD He's a super hot, cool Bounty Hunter. He can't have a baby, it would ruin his image! But like assuming this is the 90's, what's he gonna do? Use the Multiversal White Pages? He would weigh his options. Put the kid up for adoption? Not sure if he likes that. Doesn't know what kind of family this kid would end up with, but he's got a LOT of enemies.

Raise the kid himself? Look, he doesn't want kids. Never did. He didn't want to be a shitty father like Filbrick was. And with his lifestyle, it would be hard. Dangerous. Is this the kind of life he'd want for a kid, anyway?

So he'd go to Saoirse for advice. She'd tell him it was stupid to take a baby in with his lifestyle, and frankly, his ineptitude with children. But, if he DOES decide to keep the kid, Saoirse will be there to help him. She'll tell him when he's being a fucking idiot, but she'll help him with whatever he needs. But she tells him that if he raises this kid like his father raised him, she's handing the kid over to CPS . She is NOT fucking around. XD

So Stan ends up taking in the kid, raising it with Saoirse (and Stevie's help) and Saoirse helps keep him on the right track. Stan turns out to REALLY want to not be his dad, so he ends up being a good, encouraging, attentive father. But he also trains his kid to fight/kill like himself, obviously. XD And Aunt Sisi is the kid's Godmother.

[triptychcryptid]

Based on a dream about the sea grunks I had long ago - forgot the rest of it except for this one specific interaction

[triptychcryptid]

a buncha fords

[triptychcryptid]

How fun does this look? 😃

Hehehehe

Made myself a bingo card for MerMay!

Feel free to use it if you wanna. Tag me if you do.

[triptychcryptid]

Omg, they're so fucking cute together! 😍😍

Fishing Buddies!

Other people keep drawing my boys, and I haven’t drawn them in a fat minute. So here’s more Pop-pop Stan!

[triptychcryptid]

a writing competition i was going to participate in again this year has announced that they now allow AI generated content to be submitted

their reasoning being that "we couldn't ban it even if we wanted to, every writer already uses it anyway"

"Every writer"?

come on

[triptychcryptid]

GRAVITY FALLS AU BUT ITS JUST STAN TWINS CENTRIC

(AU names at the bottom)

[triptychcryptid]

An official contestant in the… ahem… “sexy contest”…

[triptychcryptid]

This is so cool!

SUPES AU! SUPES AU! SUPES AU! SUPES AU!

Had so much fun talking details with my co-parents of this AU, @coldbronzemoon. The brainworms have taken over! So, here are the CONCEPT ART of the Cosmic Duo (designed by Bronzemoon as well!), and the adults in their "Primes" years! (The genres crash is so real.)

For context, you can read the starter post OR;

to extend our reach to the stars above by bronzemoon!!

Probably gonna drop more lore at some point, but right now let's introduce you guys to the current cast under read more!

Dipper and Mabel: Astro and Comet, the Cosmic duo! Magical Pre-teens with the power granted by THE AXOLOTL, the newest heroes on the block for Gravity Falls City! Ready to take the town by storm with their Magical Mascot, Waddles, the Cosmic Hog! [CURRENT STATUS: Debuted, active.]

Stanley Pines: The Piranha, the biggest crime lord in town. He'll chase you down and chew you up faster than you can flinch! [CURRENT STATUS: active.]

Stanford Pines: Six-Shooter, the scientist turned sci-fi gunslinger, the best protector and biggest hero of Gravity Falls City. Nemesis of Bill Cipher. [CURRENT STATUS: active.]

Fiddleford Hadron McGucket: The Spectator, Six-Shooter's Partner, tech genius, and owner of the biggest spy camera network in Gravity Falls. [CURRENT STATUS: retired.]

[triptychcryptid]

One of DD Stan's past one-night stands leaves newborn bastard on his porch. What does he do?

Oooh, you asked for it, TJ. XD

Dumb answer:

Actual answer:

Stan would legit try to track down the mom first. XD He's a super hot, cool Bounty Hunter. He can't have a baby, it would ruin his image! But like assuming this is the 90's, what's he gonna do? Use the Multiversal White Pages? He would weigh his options. Put the kid up for adoption? Not sure if he likes that. Doesn't know what kind of family this kid would end up with, but he's got a LOT of enemies.

Raise the kid himself? Look, he doesn't want kids. Never did. He didn't want to be a shitty father like Filbrick was. And with his lifestyle, it would be hard. Dangerous. Is this the kind of life he'd want for a kid, anyway?

So he'd go to Saoirse for advice. She'd tell him it was stupid to take a baby in with his lifestyle, and frankly, his ineptitude with children. But, if he DOES decide to keep the kid, Saoirse will be there to help him. She'll tell him when he's being a fucking idiot, but she'll help him with whatever he needs. But she tells him that if he raises this kid like his father raised him, she's handing the kid over to CPS . She is NOT fucking around. XD

So Stan ends up taking in the kid, raising it with Saoirse (and Stevie's help) and Saoirse helps keep him on the right track. Stan turns out to REALLY want to not be his dad, so he ends up being a good, encouraging, attentive father. But he also trains his kid to fight/kill like himself, obviously. XD And Aunt Sisi is the kid's Godmother.