trixr4kiddz

[trixr4kiddz]

if mom had just staked me maybe fulton wouldnt have gone after her. if she had just listened to me when i said everything was fine she would be safe if i had just not gone afer that wight she would be safe this is all my fault i cant do this

im going to find fulton and drain her dry or meet final death trying

[trixr4kiddz]

She's hurt and I'm just stuck here doing nothing because I don't think before I act!!!

If I had been smarter, better, I could have followed her during the day but no I had to go and make stupid choices and win stupid prizes!!!!

I should have tried to get on that damn boat. I should have just left well enough alone. I should have stayed dead.

sawyer's right i should be put in topor time out. i wish mom had done it. i guess i know where i get my stupid decision making from.

[trixr4kiddz]

mom's in so much danger and it's all my fault.

Cor said I should just lay low, Uncle ash said I should just lay low. Hell, Q wanted nothing more than for me to just lay low.

I thought maybe ignorance is bliss but now I feel even more awful. Instead of dicking around for the last 9 months I could have been DOING something. Getting stronger. Finding that cnt and disembowling her with my teeth and claws.

when i find her, i am going to drain her dry. i am going to find that bitch and drink every last drop from her.

fuck it maybe ill even embrace her myself. use my own blood to bring her back just so i can kill her again and let her rot in the sun.

[trixr4kiddz]

I miss mama. She would know what to do but I can't get her involved.

Maybe she already is? I think I'm afraid to look. Leo hasn't updated his insta in a minute but that's not super unusual for him when he get into his projects. I haven't seen him in a while tho.

Tobes... I should call him. My phones mic doesn't work... maybe I have my airpods in my purse? I should check later...

Q's not at the apartment. If nothing else I guess I could go by there...

Ugh it's a 3 hour walk. No way.

Annnd... even if I had my car, my mom has my keys. Great.

[trixr4kiddz]

I feel just awful. Just awful awful.

I think I took part in something dark. Dangerous. I can feel her, I think... in there...

I can't feel the first guy. He's... he's gone... I think we were kind of the same? Alike enough that I think he's at peace in here.

But her? I can still feel her. Squirming around. Rotting. Messing with me.

I just got so mad! What she was doing made me SO MAD. I couldn't think. It felt targeted. Intentional.

I feel so stupid. Taking the bait like that. Ugh.

[trixr4kiddz]

I'm just shaking I'm so mad I don't know.

Last night my friend Alley gave me my phone back. It's kinda busted up but whatever. I can see like... half the screen? Auto correct save me. Save me autocorrect.

Anyway I'm great full for the opportunity to process but also I don't know I'm just so afraid so afraid.

I remembered something. It's jer. Shes the one that killed me. She took my fuckin mom. She has her and I'm afraid. I think she's alive?? I hope she is. Idk what she wants.

I called my uncle. He knows. I'm glad he didn't like,,, disown me or whatever. I kept waiting for him to be mad, but he wasn't. He sounded resigned to it all.

I told him I killed someone, for fun, because I was pissed off. He was all like "been there," and I'm just like what the fuck do you mean???

I'm just glad I have some time alone right now. At first I was kinda upset Alley brought my phone back but right jow I'm so afraid and I'm just thinking about what would happen if I didn't know.

It feels like she's taunting me. You know the moon was the exact same as the day she killed me?

Uncle asher called her Fulton. He said to not get involved. I can't. She started this and I'm gonna finish it.

[trixr4kiddz]

My whole life is just exploding I think.

Idk just... why would she DO that!!! Why why why why???

I think I just need to process I guess. I'm sitting in the alley on the ground rn. The baby one and.... my mom's friend are talking about something idk. Mom just left...

But yeah- that's it. My mom. So I didn't die btw but I wish I did!

We were walking home when she comes and blocks our path brandishing a fucking crossbow like a crazy woman. And blocking the way we came is her fucking new bestie.

I wanted to, idk, do something? Protect my friends? Make it all worth it?

But I couldn't. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think. I.... idk I think I saw something... remembered? There was so.ething else. Darker... deadlier... I think it killed me... I don't know.

When I woke up at the hospital after... everything, Quinn was just SO upset. But I felt like she was actually LOOKING at me for the first time. It was so, so nice that she was finally LOOKING at me. I didn't really ask a lot of questions.

She said that all that matters is that I was safe and alive. And she was never gonna let me go and get hurt again. She's been so ON me tho, and it's like, I get it, but she won't. Talk. About it.

And now she's not even talking to me. She's been leaving me on read. I can see her start and stop typing and it's like, godddd. Whatever.

I never really gave much thought to my ~missing time~ but like... there's this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that I feel like I'm forgetting something important.

I guess it doesn't matter, but I'm pretty sure I just lost my mom and my uncles. I thought I was ready for it but I guess not. Idk...

I don't know what I want to do. I'm hungry, I'm tired, I feel sick, like there's no point.

I thought I knew everything but I'm realizing just how little I know of anything. That sucks. It sucks. This sucks.

[trixr4kiddz]

I think I did something bad. I don’t know… 

Sawyer was mad when I got up. He was just watching. Said if I were one of his, he'd stake me right there and let me have a topor- timeout.

Some guys came by and picked us up- we're in the car now. I think they're gonna kill us? I hope not- at least I hope just me. The others didn't do anything wrong- they just wanted to help.

I’m thinking about going bear hunting with Uncle Will and Uncle Asher. Mom always called Uncle Will a proper sportsman. I can’t remember a time where we didn’t have a freezer full of vinnesin. Winny would pack Toby and I homemade lunchables to take to school with summer sausage and crackers from Uncle Will’s latest hunt. 

Whenever we went camping, Uncle Will always insisted on bringing nothing- The forest would provide, he’d always say. He’d take us out fishing and if we caught something good, we’d skin and fillet it right there at the camp site. 

Most of the time we didn’t - at that point Mom and Dad would reveal they had kept the camper kitchen fully stocked. As we grew older, Leo became more of a “Sun and Boys” kind of camper, and Toby was always too squeamish for hunting. Fishing was never my favorite thing, but it was always nice to be out on the lake or ocean with Uncle Will. 

I remember he was so proud of me when I got my first doe. I had never killed anything on purpose like that before. I thought it might feel, I dunno? Bad? Good? It just felt neutral. Messy. 

It was nice, seeing the freezer full with something I brought home myself. I felt so proud when Leo said my venison spaghetti was ‘not horrible’ and ‘great job sis.’

Uncle Asher though… in a lot of ways, he and Uncle Will were different. Uncle Will was quiet, broad, he had a presence about him. Like he could see through you, into your very soul. I wonder what he would see now….

Uncle Asher was wild. Loud. He knows all the best ways to get under your skin. He’s small, fast, agile. If Uncle Will was a wolf, Uncle Asher was a cat- lithe, graceful. 

He only ever hunted bears. One time, I asked him about it - why do you never come deer hunting with us, Uncle Ashey? I still remember what he told me. 

He said, “Bea, my darling niece. No offence to my darling husband, but it’s not 1892 anymore. If I need meat, there’s this little place I know called ‘Food Lion’ we can hit up. Will’s a softie. No matter what he says, hunting is about two things: strength and power”

I remember how it felt, having his hand on my shoulder. Strong, firm. Safe. 

He told me “It’s no sport hunting something that can’t kill you. A bear can kill you. If you don’t kill a deer dead enough, the poor thing gets eaten by wolves. You don’t kill a bear dead enough? Good fuckin luck kiddo. If it can’t kill me back, it ain’t fair. I only hunt shit that has a fighting chance. That’s strength. That’s power.”

I think I’m starting to understand how he felt. I’ve gotten pretty good at taking foxes. They’re shy little night creatures, but easy enough to catch off guard and WHAM. Sucks, but it feels better, more sporting than taking some poor sap’s cat or dog. 

But on the whole, they’re more flight than fight. Coyotes aren’t too bad, but they’re a little harder to nab in the city. Feels like you can’t even catch a real meaty one in the city limits without it bein some kinda kinnie anyway. Racoons? Possums? Miss me with that shit - oversized rats more like. (it;s the hands). 

This guy though? This bear? He could have killed us. 

I feel like such an idiot fool. There’s no way I could have taken it down alone- i swear even fuckin Lucy did more damage to that little baseball boy than me. 

When I had my mouth around him though.. I felt good. Powerful. Right. For the first time in a while, something felt good. Satisfying. Satiating. 

Quinnie’s got her stupid lil’ capri sun’s that taste like garbage. One time, Katie let me try a sip of the unprocessed stuff- still gross. Taking it from the source is… out of the question, honestly. It’s scary. I can’t… I cna’t control myself, I don’t think. 

I remember Quinn told me her kind were the exception, not the rule but… Honestly I don't’ really know. 

I think I’m glad Uncle Asher doens’t know vampires are real. I think, if he knew, he would very much like to hunt them. I think, if he tried, he would be good at it.

[trixr4kiddz]

oh my goddd what a crazy night tho for reall!!!!!

we found a baby one in the dumpster outside bdubs lol

he was like,,, just turned?? he almost ate garry lmao!!!

Q's gonna be p.o.'d w/ me for comin home after she went to bed but like,,, u can't keep me locked up in the apartment forever. Girl's got shit to do, ykno!!!

besides, it was fun. I feel like nothign interesting has happened since lockdown started. Q's been so busy at the hospital and work has been... ugh.

Like why do I even need 2 hold down a day job again? it's not like q couldn't afford the rent on this place by herself. Besides, I thin she's wrong about this being reversible. I wish she'd get that.

And even if it is, like,,, I can't unlearn this, ykno? It's like, you can go home but the journey has fundamentally changed you.

Anyway, sawyer said it was like, the 20th newbie he'd seen? crazy shit, that feels like a LOT. Like way too many. IDK somethings' going on, but I know if I try to look in2 it quinnie's just gonna get all ~stay in the apartment where it's safeeeee~~ ugh.

[trixr4kiddz]

girl's night girl's night girl's night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The bar's suposed 2 b closed cause covid or whatever but the gr9 thing about bein like dead or whatever is you don't gotta worry about crap like that.

me n the girls (katie and jackie) r gonna go bug lucy at the bar. If it's dead enough we can finally talk her in2 takin a damn break and playin push the button w/ us hee hee.

[trixr4kiddz]

Jan - June 2020 placeholder

struggle at work

quinn inisit on being normal, fixing it

intimacy problems

covid happens - wfh. trixie hopes she gets fired

trixie makes other friends quinn more distant

[trixr4kiddz]

oh to be the object of a vampire’s desire. to be their affliction, their lust for life, their reason to endure this new century even as the inevitable loneliness slowly creeps behind with passing years.

[trixr4kiddz]

the generational gap between me & the vampire who is biting me

[trixr4kiddz]

November - Dec 2019 placeholder

angst or whatever

find out katie is also a vampire

moving in w. quinn

[trixr4kiddz]

Couldn't sleep so I went for a walk. The city is nice at night - feels like the only time I can really Look, ykno?

I've just been so hungry. Quinnie says I gotta eat, and I have! Just… what I normally do.

The sun hurts, but it doesn't burn. My heart still beats in my chest. I breathe without thinking. My tears are clear. I think she's wrong about me. I don't think im… like her.

I love her. I've loved her for so long. I'm so grateful that this barrier between us is lifted but whenever she looks at me lately, she looks broken. Sad.

I really haven't changed much. I think we're it not for the 3rd eye on her forehead, I really wouldn't believe her either…

So shes special, touched… but I think I'm just regular. I'm just… hungry.

[trixr4kiddz]

It's almost my birthday. I am so, so hungry. I have been ever since the change. 

Quinn calls it the Embrace. She keeps saying “ I can fix this though. Don't worry. I can fix this. I promise I'll fix this. It's temporary.”

She keeps bringing me bags of…. Ugh. I just… i can't stomach it. 

Mama asked if I wanted to come home for the weekend, but I don't really have the time off and I just feel so sick. I'm hungry…

[trixr4kiddz]

Sep 2019 placeholder

The accident. Quinn is working night shift. Trixie can't remember that whole week.

Norma - she's like a salubri lacroix

Quinn - i can fix this. i can fix this.