trubilee - Tumblr blog

[trubilee]

I love to lay when layin' is next to you

(bazzi, i like that)

The trouble with wanting is I want you

(joy williams, the trouble with wanting)

[trubilee]

"w! why do you have to take so many pictures of everything? do you have to take so many, of every single thing?!"

"yes i do! because i want to remember all the things in my life."

[trubilee]

stepped on glass

yesterday i stepped on a tiny piece of glass (i think it had splintered off my work phone when it dropped at some point) and it was there wedged right into the bottom flesh of my big toe and i waited on the rocking chair for paul to come home (resting the unwounded side of my foot on the ottoman, thinking the gravity would help keep the glass near the surface of my skin instead of sinking deeper in) and when he did he took the tweezers and extracted it from my toe so quickly and precisely and there was it only left behind a little spot of blood and i swear it may have been the sexiest thing he's done in the 8.5 years we've been married.

[trubilee]

finally. finally. finally

[trubilee]

scootering + sand playing w/ halmoni harabuji on friday, haircuts + playpie on saturday, church crafts + super mario (first time at a theater!) on sunday. puzzle and random paper crafts. what a wild and fun summer weekend for w and us. hide n seek and chasing at parks in between.

[trubilee]

big days r coming

[trubilee]

few nights ago when W and i were praying, he prayed something i haven't heard him pray before.

"and God, please protect us from death... because we don't want to die. we only want to die when we're supposed to."

(to be fair, every night when i pray with W, we include certain constants--one is against bad dreams, even though i also like to tell W that if he doesn't like bad dreams he shouldn't watch so much tv--and a few things at the end that are important to me. one of the things is that God would protect our family from disease and premature death and trauma.)

[trubilee]

we are visiting A's family tonight in RD. A is one of Paul's closest friends and the reason he thinks he was supposed to go to the particular college he did, not bc the college or the college's arch program was great by any means but bc A was his roommate and A influenced his faith so much while the two of them were best friends beside each other there. in that sense i guess that paul's A from college is my A from law school.

anyway, it's been years since i've seen them bc covid and geography. but i found myself feeling more on guard, defensive, bracing myself, little bit nervous even... downright skittish, actually--than i might even normally feel w one of paul's friends who i don't know that well. and i was like why, t? why do you always feel so like, lowkey 부끄러워 when ur around him? is it that his success, his sense of principles and conviction, vision, his well-known discipline, his veering-on-cyborg type A-ness/perfectionism/high achieverness about everything from work to health to faith, has from the beginning so eclipsed any of his peers'?

and i was turning this question over in my head as i thought about how much time we'd need to get us and the kids ready to drive over, and maybe it's the more aerial sort of perspective that the passage of time seems to endow on us or something, but i think i know why i feel and have historically felt this way around this guy A and his wife and kids.

it's because i (or my living insecurity or whatever this voice is) feel like wonder if God loves this guy A more than He loves me.

[trubilee]

fact is, having homemade hot chocolate with mini marshmallows on top + freshcut strawberries with coconut whipped cream, a few nights in a row = noticeably improved feelings re: quality of life

[trubilee]

Wow, and that post was even before we got the call about the house!

[trubilee]

so grateful.

ugh, so grateful.

so grateful.

[trubilee]

The father in him, the B, would not countenance tears. On second thought, they wouldn’t come anyway, as if his ducts had been cauterized. He had never known what to do with the affections of others. When his mother would squeeze him as a child, her way of showing love, he would squeal “Mama, stop!” in delight, but his voice had long lost that register. “Dorogoi,” M said (“My dear”), “do it for yourself, if not for me and N. Save yourself from this endless heartache. It’s okay to give up on a dream. The majority of dreams don’t come true. Our whole country is learning as much.” —

[trubilee]

"I know how much you love this place,” M said, “but it’s only a placeholder for your memories. For a time when this was the only spot on earth where you had friends and were welcome and loved, and everyone spoke your language. Well, you have friends now, and you speak the language, and you don’t have to pine for me anymore, you can have me every day and every night.”

[trubilee]

As a child he had lived in fear of being scolded and maybe he feared it still. For thirty-one-year-old E, nothing had been worse than being told he was wrong. That’s what F had taught him, how hurtful it was to try something and still remain inconsequential. But as he told his story to D, he managed to see just how funny all of it was. How steeped the world was in artistic failure, even as the artists (and sometimes the society around them) failed to recognize that failure as such. Gradually he began to do what S always did when he spun a tale—he began to make fun of all the principals, chiefly himself. As soon as one acquired a liberal education, huge parts of life became an elaborate joke. Maybe that’s what you paid for when your parents’ check cleared with the bursar—the rights to the joke. 

[trubilee]

He nodded thoughtfully, picked at his larb with mass-produced chopsticks, knowing he could no longer eat any more of it, delicious as it was. Even though the tables were far apart, his senses were now heightened enough that he could hear every conversation around them (mostly they were about local real estate), and his poor bladder was now consumed by that sweet, lovely panic that accompanies reciprocated love.

[trubilee]

He wished he could fall in love with someone as his wife evidently had done. He had chased after beauty for such a long part of his life, until he had caught up with it and found it, like everything else, worthy of no more than a chapter or two of heightened prose.

[trubilee]

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