trulymesblogoflifesofar

[trulymesblogoflifesofar]

Let me run you thru a scenario real quick. This scenario has happened many times and most people just let it happen as a normal thing and I'm not completely ok with it.

Scenario: you're at a store shopping getting a list of groceries you need for whatever reason. You're shopping dealing with kids and groceries and for some reason you forget something and you're already walking out the door so you look down at your kids, the cart full of groceries and the many many people walking in and out of the store and past you. Debating with yourself on whether to trudge thru this one more time knowing you're tired the kids are tired you're just ready to go and then suddenly you get an idea. You look down at your 6-12 year old and think they know how to work the machine they know exactly what I'm looking for and where to find it YES they can do this for sure. Ok, so you explain to them what they need where to get it what it's called and tell them that you'll either be right here or at the car. They tell you sure or yes mama I can do that no problem. They run off with the money as fast as they can going to get the thing you need.

Little to yours or their knowledge someone has been watching you following you, taking photos of you. This person follows your kid sees where their going and yes they got the job done got exactly what you needed no problem but as they do this evil person is making a call to their friends outside telling them to have the van ready. This person follows your kid outside while your kid is looking for you, they may have forgotten where youre parked. They start walking in a familiar direction and as they do they're not even noticing a van slowly following them.

Scenario over: you see where I'm going with this? You don't want to hear the rest! I don't know about you but this type of thing runs thru my mind every single time I see a child alone in a store buying something for their parents. No child in these times should be anywhere alone, phone or otherwise! My son has autism he never leaves my site at the store if I'm not holding onto him he's holding onto the buggy.

Granted most parents say we're teaching them about money and responsibility, well ya know what, you can do that standing there with them! Too many missing kids are out there! Too many times I have messages from amber alerts about people kids getting taken! This world does not keep our children safe! We have to keep them safe and something as simple as running into the store for you is no longer safe. Stop fucking doing it! A simple run into the store could change your life forever!

#bemorecareful #protect the children

[trulymesblogoflifesofar]

I pray for you, I pray for that baby, i pray for your soul, everyday! ive never forgotten you, i didnt leave you, just because i no longer need you in my life does not mean that i no longer love you. i will forever love you. me choosing those who chose me first in their life was for my benefit, was for my health. i needed space. 

you said we were so close, but yet i was always the last on the list to know when you were hurting or who you were fucking. so close, yeah sure. 

i never felt like your sister i never felt like you really loved me and i finally realized that i would never be number one in your life, or number two, or hell number ten. Up until i made it official i was still at the bottom of the totem pole and thats ok. i finally realized that some people family or not will not love you like you love them. LET THEM GO!

they didnt need you before they damn sure dont need you now that youre gone and living your life. the life you were living with them being nosy and just watching without asking “hey bitch you alive?”

You never asked me how we were doing, never called when i was sick and homeless, never once sent my son anything for christmas, birthday, easter. i always thought about your babies. i never had as much money as you do now to go out and decorate five damn christmas trees but i always made your babies a handmade gift because all we could ever afford were gifts for our kids. i felt bad every fucking year but that didnt matter to you no. we didnt even cross your mind. 

you wanted to blame me for not seeing my baby when you deleted yourself from that account first. the account i specifically made the day after my brother died you deleted yourself from that, but we not gonna talk about that huh? 

you wanted to say i did you wrong and yet on a daily basis you forget the one lady that raised you the one lady that still loves you that would fly to you in a second if she could. FORGOT HER MOTHERFUCKING BIRTHDAY!! AND WHERE WERE YOU FOR MOTHERFUCKING CHRISTMAS!!!! i will never forgive you for leaving her alone and crying and neither will you. 

shes hurt and crying and broken because you choose someone else everyday you choose a devil everyday over her. for what money, things, shit that means absolutely nothing. 

and you wonder why the fuck i left you! 

wonder no more! 

[trulymesblogoflifesofar]

Love is it really so hard?

Do we make love hard by putting our expectations on people for things they didn't even know we wanted! We do it without even knowing it, we look at people and have these high hopes for them, the internal thoughts that tell us this is what we want give it to us.

Maybe us having those internal thoughts is what's keeping us from seeing who a person is to u

[trulymesblogoflifesofar]

It's amazing the things you feel for certain people that never truly in their hearts cared about you! The actions of those people deeply wounds you and they have no idea they've even struck a blow. How do you go about your daily life and just ignore the woman who raised you the woman who gave you your strength the woman that sat there with you when you cried.

She cries for you, prays for you, loves you no matter how much you destroy her and yet you give her absolutely nothing.

That's why I left you, that's why I no longer acknowledge your existence, because that woman is my mother and you will feel her pain!

I will no longer keep quiet! I will no longer abide by her pain caused by the ones she loves!

You will feel my anger!

One day you will cry for her, one day you will need her and she won't be there. Then the tears will flow, then you'll know what you did and then and only then will the true guilt consume you and I will not hold my tongue nor be there for you to cry with. My wrath will be too strong and my pain will consume you! For only I know her true words. Only I will be her voice when she can no longer speak.

[trulymesblogoflifesofar]

Have you ever looked down at your child sleeping and just dreamed of the life they would live. The world seems ugly and grey but when I look into her gorgeous face, I just smile. Children bring joy and happiness to such a dark world. I want to keep her innocent and small never let her learn the darkness I learned! Love is a funny thing I know one day she'll grow up and be her own woman with her own view of darkness I hope with all my heart that I'll be there to help her to guide her thru it and be able to show here there is still beauty out there!

[trulymesblogoflifesofar]

How do you tell the people you love that you don't want to celebrate your birthday! How do you say to your husband I'm sorry the one person I want to tell me happy birthday isn't here so I don't want a birthday! I cry all the time now every single time I think of him I cry! He was my brother and now hes gone! We had the same birthday month this was my favorite time of year and now all the happiness is just gone. I don't want to keep celebrating my birthday I don't want to be older then my brother he was supposed to be here he was supposed to have kids get married a second time and live just fucking live and now hes just gone and I'll never see him I'll never get to hug him or laugh with him again! Why fuckin why someone tell me why!!!

[trulymesblogoflifesofar]

Today has been something else entirely, almost as if I have bad luck on my hands. Staying positive is the key! I can do that right stay positive? Think good thoughts think of all the good you have come across all the good things that have happened that's the key, isn't it?

[trulymesblogoflifesofar]

Its getting closer and closer and the days drag on and idk how I'm gonna be when the times comes. What am I gonna be doing when I realize it's the day before? My life has changed completely and it's almost like it hasn't changed everything is the same but a piece of my heart no a chunk of my heart is gone! A chunk of my soul isn't there anymore! Life goes on but I'm still standing still in the moment! Standing there waiting for someone to say no he's not gone no he's okay he survived! It'll never happen but that's what I'm waiting for!

[trulymesblogoflifesofar]

not drawn by me but i forgot how to spell her name. credit her if you know her. 

i do however love this photo! 

[trulymesblogoflifesofar]

Hoarding Beauty

So, when things go wrong when life hits you with the heartbreak, what do you do?  Me well i tend to find things that distract me from reality books, making books, crocheting, pretty much anything that takes up so much of my brain space i cannot think of anything else. some say this is a bad habit, i find it helpful because when i finally have the time and effort to think about it (the heartbreak) my mind settles it in place like the last puzzle piece that makes the whole picture come together. when this happens i find it kind of peaceful almost quiet relief. i don't have to worry over it anymore i can just kind of think of it and it doesn't consume me anymore. its like a flower you see that is so beautiful you pluck it to take home planning to take care of it and grow it yourself. just a selfish way of hoarding beauty. yes that's it. hoarding beauty. because what are we if not people hoarding grief and pain in life. the pain makes us real the grief makes us mortal. its a hard concept to bare at first but think about it. we have no control over when we go, or when anyone around us goes. so why think of it in a horrifying way, they're at peace with whomever is up there. no matter what you believe they don't have the pain of existence anymore they are free. in a way that is kind of beautiful too.

[trulymesblogoflifesofar]

I am not ok, my brother hasn't been gone long. His girl has already moved on she's completely in love with someone else and im not ok with this! Idk maybe it's too soon maybe not how do I deal with this, it's her life! But God my brother was supposed to be the love of her life we were just talking about missing him and now she's with this guy wtf!

[trulymesblogoflifesofar]

I couldn't have said it better myself!

"There are people who, more than being part of your every day, become part of your breathing so that if you do not feel them it is as if the day did not finish waking. You live longing for them and you find them in the smallest things without even thinking about it. They sit on your shoulder and tell you secrets and recite memories to you. They are the perpetual prayer that your heart does not stop whispering and the breath that your lungs do not stop taking in.  They are the fingerprints on the tips of your hands and the moisture that wets your lips. They are the first rays of the Sun that warm you in the morning and the kisses of the Moon that guard your sleep. And as I write this I realize that I am deceiving myself,  there are no such people for me except you ...... only you. "

e.v.e.

[trulymesblogoflifesofar]

You ever hear a song that reminds you of someone.

Well rascal flats what hurts the most has me spluttering and damn near screaming all over my cosmetology homework!

All I can think of is my brother and cousin, so many others I have lost but my brother meant so much to me! We were so fucking close and we never met! I'll say that again we never fucking met.

I'm a bastard my mom and dad werent married hell they weren't even together when they had me.

When my brother got sent to jail he made a huge effort and contacted me. We wrote letters every month, we got to know each other. Once he got out he called me all the time and we made plans to meet but life never dealt us those cards.

There was so much I wanted to say to him so much we should have done and I can't fucking stand that we never did that we never met up and idk I jus feel so fucking guilty

I realized the other night that I cant talk to his fiance because I'm angry at her for knowing my brother so much better then I did. She had a life with him that I knew nothing about. Its not her fault and I shouldn't blame her for anything she made him happy and she loved him but God damnit I should have been there I should have known him I should have been able to fucking hold my brother and tell him how fucking much I love him with all my heart and now that chance is all gone he's gone and I can't fix it I can't hold him. All I wanna do is hold him!!

I'm so sorry Brandon I'm so so sorry! I should have been a better sister to you! I should have made a bigger effort! Fuck!!

[trulymesblogoflifesofar]

You know you fucking try and try with some people and they just remain the fucking same no change whatsoever

If you don't fucking like me stay TF away from me!

Why care at all about me?

Why aren't we friends?

Oh idk maybe because you a fake ass bitch who doesn't give a damn about anyone but herself and uses a platform to make herself feel important!

I'm sorry I was the only one on your FUCKING live! Get over yourself and appreciate that I made a goddamn effort!!

For fucksake just leave me alone next time!

You don't fuckin like me anyway!

[trulymesblogoflifesofar]

Its gonna be super hard, but I really have to start making decisions like a mom and start dressing like a mom.

Most days i walk around looking like a bum, shorts, raggedy tshirt and dude sandals. My hair is never done, I wear zero makeup.

Everything I do and wear screams I don't know what I'm doing.

Should I care about what people think, no, but I care about what my son thinks.

Also I don't feel very good about my appearance so I'm really doin this to feel better about myself. I want to appear strong, confident, and in control.

So the next time I go out of this house I'll be dressed like a normal human being who didn't just grab the first thing that didn't smell dirty!

You're probably wondering what my son wears, he wears shorts he picks and shirts that have pictures on them with long socks he's normal I can make time for him to look nice just never me...fuck what is wrong with me?

Ok chill!

I'm a mom so mom's know what I'm talking about, we make so much time for everyone else that we forget about us. We forget we are human and beautiful!

I just have to stop acting like I'm a teenager, I'm not anymore! I'm a grown woman about to be thirty in two to three years

Aaaahhhhhhuhhgdhhfjsmsksin

Yes I'm kinda freaking out.

I'm still in college I was supposed to graduate!

Is this a midlife crisis! Wtf!

[trulymesblogoflifesofar]

Have you ever just sat in silence and thought about your future?

I'm a mom, so that future includes my son's!

I just realized that I may have been looking at this mother thing completely backwards.

My entire life I have been spoiled! That's right I said it spoiled! I have been blessed to have a husband and grandmother and aunt that love me so fucking much they give me pretty much everything I ask for!

That goes for my son too and sitting here think about being almost thirty and where my life has gone and where it will be going, I feel like I've come up short! As if I'm not doing this mother thing right.

My son is ten he has autism and he doesn't speak. He has a few phrases here and there like hold this and please and thank you, the basics but askin him how his day went will just get you him asking the question as if that's the answer. That's how he thinks talking works. He's a very smart kid, very tech savvy, he's an artist too loves to draw and sketch and build things new toys and people! He's the best thing that ever happened to me. Here's where it gets tricky he doesnt do most kid things like take a bath every night, or brush his teeth (that was a hassle getting him to try btw) or eat what we eat. And I'm wondering am I doing this right?

Should I force him to do more things with us like we do? Idk I'm lost and I feel like I should be doin more because let's face it I'm not immortal and no one will love and care for him like me!

Back to the basic point he's ten he doesn't spend alot of time with me or his dad he wants to do stuff on his own and I feel like he's too much on his own what's he watching what's he doing whose he talking to? That type of stuff. He doesnt enjoy outside so he's mostly in his room watching movies. Mainly Lego Batman and ugly dolls.

For the longest time his world revolved around mine! Maybe, no it should be the other way, his world should be my world! Yes that sounds better. His world!

He wants more schedule I can give him that.

He wants homemade pancakes (his nana does that for him), I can cook too.

He wants more playtime, well damnit fucking do it.

We only get one chance to be the centerpiece in our child's world! We only get one chance to be the hero in their eyes! I only get one chance to be super mom to this kid! Why waste so much time trying to prove to social media that im the best fucking mom out there when the only person that should say that is him.

He's ten. It may not seem like it now but right now time is slow and I'm gonna stop wasting it.

[trulymesblogoflifesofar]

There is a red dragon that lives in my pizzda and every month or so I have to feed her these lil white things that come in plastic! During this time I have to deal with her constant attitude her constant agonizing head butting! Clawing at my back taring me apart, breathing fire bringing tears to my eyes making me scream and lash out at everyone including myself! At least for a while she's peaceful with hot cocoa and sweetcakes